Friday, August 16, 2013

Late to the joke party

So NBC were holding a special work shop for wanna be talk show writers like myself, so I of course was pumped to be a part of it, only I am a dumb idiot face who thought submitting would be easy, and waited till the last minute and missed it. So basically FUCK NBC (unless they read this and want to call me) I don't want to write for you anyway, I write for me, and MY fans, like the ones who come to this blog - I LOVE YOU GUYS - so here is a sample of what NBC missed out on today :)

Talk show workshop package

Monologue Jokes written for David Tieck

With summer coming to an end fashion experts have been trying to decide what was the look of the summer

Of course for teenage girls is once again 'trying to make my dad kill himself'

Officials say the recent developments in the war in Afghanistan have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda

Meanwhile Chris Cristie’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

Kanye West has recently claimed that he is the 'Michael Jordan' of music

And it’s clearly true because the best parts of his albums are always the 'air' between songs!

Katy Perry is now an ambassador for shoe manufacture Adidas
It's all a part of their new advertising slogan 'it doesn't matter how ugly your shoes are if everyone is staring at your chest'
Meanwhile Kira Knightley has was recently overheard saying 'you think my shoes are cute right?'
Last week was national friend week
Where we are reminded that dogs are mans best friend, diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and a dog who swallows a diamond buys a surgical veterinarian a new car

Billionaire Richard Branson is getting set to unveil his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2014

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2014 Yankee tickets

Book fans have been buzzed recently as it was discovered that best selling novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ was actually written by Harry Potter scribe J.K Rowling

Meanwhile I have released my more realistic version of  'The Ugly Duckling' where the mean bully ducklings all end up dying in drunken street drag race crashes

Surgeons in Baltimore recently removed a kidney through its donor’s vagina

Which is great news for Sharon Stone, despite all odds, her vagina may once again be useful

An 18 year old Lebanese woman has proclaimed that she would love to be a film director, but if this doesn’t work out she’d be happy to become a suicide bomber

Although a Hollywood career advisor has warned her; unless she focuses on a single clear career goal she’ll probably just end up in porn 


 Thank You Notes for Jimmy Fallon

Thank You butterflies for being way better than god’s first attempt Margarine Wasps

Thank You the word ‘Boing’ for only getting more and more awesome no matter how many extra Os you add - ‘Boooooooinng’

Thank You self-improvement for being far more achievable than my previous goal of ‘stealth’ improvement

Thank You ‘mid sized sedans’ for being a way cooler term than the original ‘giant sized misshaped small trunked family friendly mini vans’

Thank You adding ‘man’ to the end of sentences, being a way for kids to progressively mature away from ending sentences with ‘dude’

Thank You the television show ‘Nashville’ for being officially the worst spin off show ever, after capturing practically none of the spirit of the parent show ‘Smallville’

Thank You wallpaper for saving paint to huff for those last few fans of Chris Brown

Thank You sharp knives for being way better dinner companions than trampoline buddies

Thank You Super Shuttle for taking me to the airport with drivers with such bad BO that I can barely smell my fellow passengers curry breath

Thank You ‘center of attention’ for being so easy to achieve, just as long as you’re willing to permanently staple an aardvark to your face

They also missed my panicked 'fuck only one minute left' essay on why I want to write for late night - 'I really like it'. Oh man, I need more time to write again, seriously. Here's hoping.