Monday, December 30, 2013

My end of year list of best end of year lists

It's the end of the year and you know what that means? Severe depression about failing to achieve what you hoped to in the past year, by which I mean it's time for every TV Show, Magazine, Newspaper, Website, Radio Show, and Park Soapbox Monologuer to reveal some form of 'best of' 2013 list - and yet, only right here at ‘Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! Fleeting Forever’ - will you find the list of the 'best' best of lists, and as the only person in all media to provide such a unique list, you can be damn sure this is a list so good it deserves it's own ‘best of best of lists list’ where it will take out number one in a power list of only the people cool enough to not do a cliché ‘best of list’, but instead a ‘best of best best of lists’ - i.e. only me- yep - that list would include only one person, me, and therefore be less of a 'list' list - and more of a declaration of a genius monopoly - but I don't do presentations of well deserved 'truly monopolizing genius' awards - so instead enjoy this - my list of the top ten best of 2013 lists:

10. ' Bread and Spread Magazine' and their ‘Top Ten Spreads for 2013 Breads’. Let’s face it, who didn't shed a tear when they saw that Countypool Dreamsted Home Crafted Orange, Lime and Cranberry Sweet Marmalade’ was finally knocked off the top spot by something called 'peanut butter'?

9. 'Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars and Bobsled Radio Show' – and their ‘Top 6 Other Forms of Transportation We Probably Should Have Put In Our Magazine Title Instead of that Universally Hated 5th 'car' list’. I know it was controversial, but if you ask me 'walking with aid of a walker' - IS a vehicle, and therefore deserving of its 'special mention slot'

8. 'Sarcasm Magazine' – and their list of ‘Lines in Speeches By Politicians Considered at the Time to Obviously be Sarcastic that Turned Out Weren't Actually Sarcastic’, with top spot going to their truly brilliant expose on Senator Bill Crunes 'I've spent dozens of nights working in a soup kitchen' speech – after it turned out he wasn’t being sarcastic, and he'd actually genuinely spent 23 nights working in soup kitchens, sadly one less than would be required before he could accurately use the plural of the moniker ‘dozen’ plural, and yet twenty three more nights than anyone had could possibly have guessed, you know with Crunes being a dickhead and all.

7.'Rolling Stone Magazine’ and their annual top albums of the year - putting Kanye West's Yeezus on the list,  ha ha, just when you think Rolling Stone is becoming irrelevant and they out sarcasm even Sarcasm Magazine.

6. '' for their annual 'Did We Do It, or Was is it a Hack Plastic Surgeon?' - and once again making us all both laugh AND spew with their bonus 'both' pics.

5. 'CNN' - for their ‘Biggest Stories of the Year’ - Once again top spot went to a SAD story. That's a million years in a row. Who'd have guessed? Mind blowing.

4. 'Cream Cheese Battles - the reality show' for naming 'Better than a bagel? Arguable, but not Provable' their number one episode of a pretty epic year, who would have thought upon first viewing that 'Toast for Most' could have been beaten? No one, that's who. let alone the truly marvelous 'Bread is Scared' which was simply marvelous TV . Seriously, fuck me if you've got a brain then get the box set, brilliant stuff.

3. 'Spread and Bread Magazine' and their list of ‘Great Spreads Our Rivals 'Bread and Spread Magazine' Ignored This Year’. People say that it's bad form to highlight the mistakes of a rival - this list showed it can also be hilariously inspirational. Seriously ‘Bread and Spread’ how did you miss ‘Nutella!’

2. 'Home and Garden but Let's Face it Mostly Garden' on Sirius radio - and their list of ‘Things in 2013 Purchased for the Home that Ended up in the Garden’, for being the only end of year list to have the balls to mention 'plants'.

1. ‘’ for their ballsy 'Things in 2013 We Liked Better Than Plants' list, and their more than ballsy, and yet very honest list, with a top three of 3. Abandoned Warehouses 2. Countypool Dreamsted Home Crafted Orange, Lime and Cranberry Sweet Marmalade 1. Let’s face it, basically everything.

-->Special note must go to Chucky - the 2:34pm soap box monologuer at Lexington Park in Bratwerst Mongolia for his monologue on 'The Top Ten Signs You Think Too Much About Various Types of Bread and Possible Things Upon Them you Might Spread' - I'd have given you top spot if I could Chucky, but it's just not a pure ‘list’ if you monologue it - sorry mate. Plus fuck you – I fucking am not 'clearly keen.'

Have a great 2014 people, I'm now gonna go introduce some Nutella to bread, ha ha, be scared bread, be very fucking scared!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Lessons from flying

Sitting in the middle seat between two strangers for my fourteen-hour flight from Los Angeles to 

Sydney in economy last night kind of sucked
I didn’t enjoy it when it was discovered that, after making a guy stand up, and a couple of other people move around, and then getting set up with my stuff under my seat, and books in ready, that it turned out I was in the wrong middle seat…

I wasn’t having fun when it then took me ten minutes, sitting on the floor next to the emergency exit, to find my boarding pass in the plastic bag medley that had become my carry on luggage (my lone flash of class) after I was forced to check mine for weight issues, all while feeling epically watched, and judged, and in the way, and moronic, while trying to find it…. ,

Joy did not wash over me when it then turned out someone else was in my actual middle seat…. and he was wearing noise canceling headphones so he couldn’t hear me asking him to move, and his eyes apparently didn't work… so I stood there for a few moments gesturing like a fool who got on the wrong plane….

Relief was had when I ended up just volunteering to take blind headphone guy’s seat, and the steward agreed I could, and then we took off and the food came, and was surprisingly good, even after my first choice ran out before I could get to it, so I demolished it….

While not having fun discovering that my new seats headphone jack didn’t work, so if I wanted to listen to a movie properly I’d have to switch back to my original seat, and you know put out a stranger in the wrong for my personal benefit, something I am incapable of doing….

Did I mention how classy my plastic bag carry on bag medley was yet?

In other news:

Crying baby right near me- check
Genuine death fearing turbulence - check
Epic long, long wait to for the turbulence to stop so I could eventually piss and ease my kidney ache - check

NyQuil time

Good result, decent amount of sleep, not sure how I fared during this time in my mission statement of: 'Don't make my seat partners pissed off they got me instead of who they should have gotten, that asshole behind me who actually seems really quiet and I don’t think has had to pee once'

I fared badly at this mission when I finally went to the toilet again after holding on for as long a freaking possible and they started breakfast service while I was in action, and started right in my area, which meant I couldn’t get to my seat until food had been put down, and I’d had to yell across my choice, and then had to make the guy who got the aisle seat get up holding his food tray and coffee, and headphones while I stumbled getting into my seat under my tray without spilling shit….

I decided to have a slight break from an insane need to not have strangers upset at me for very little, and instead stopped for a minute to fantasize about catching someone on the plane reading one of books and loving it, and reading sections to their seatmate because they couldn’t help but share it  - and I was in these fantasy clouds of joy when

'You ever r b’ said my aisle seat mate
'What?' I replied
'Be r?'
'Ben rrr a?'
'What? Oh oh oh oh have I been to Australia before? Yeah I’m from there actually, do you need any advice, um I ca….'
'NOOOO, I said DO .... YOU .... HAVE ... A PEN I CAN BORROW?'

Oh fuck I'm such a tool….

But then…. After ten minutes or so…. of feeling like a bad hearing loser… I hear to my right, from my window seatmate:

'Do you have a pen I can borrow?'

Yes, I heard him clearly, the FIRST TIME.

'No worries I replied'

I pulled out my pen, and handed it to him with zero embarrassment necessary - I've truly never felt prouder of myself! Joy!

And so I’m back in Sydney for a little while everyone, and kind of liking it so far. Flying is awesome.

And now a message from my pillow from this flight

‘Holy Christ this Dave guy drools, and I mean DROOLS, he fucking slept face down on me for hours, soaking me half way to the core, and then spinning me over to do the other side, it's not Christian, it’s disgusting, how can anyone possibly drool that much, how can anyone wake up, with a trail of drool from their pillow to their mouth, just wipe it across their face and go back to sleep again without caring about how fucking gross that was, and then sleep in the same way straight away again, KNOWING how much fucking drool was coming out. SICKENING. They should call him Droolie McDrool. I would NEVER want to sit next to that gross motherfucker on a plane'.