Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Here comes the story of the Biting Man

The Biting Man

Teeth dig into shoulder on a Brazilian afternoon
Screams are let out by two with wounds
One is clutching his shoulder one his teeth
The Italian cries out 'you bit me' good grief
Here comes the story of the biting man
With an overbite and taste for human arm
His biting has definitely done some harm
Now a borderline cannibal but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.

First time he was playing in Holland you see
Another player was marking him brilliantly
Suarez says "I wanna score a goal you're making it tough"
The defender says 'that's my job, so tough luck"
So on the shoulder Suarez bit him hard
But his career wasn't fatally marred
Because then FIFA went all soft
'They basically let him off?'
And soon he was back on the field

Biting another human is a disgusting act
There's no player good enough to get away with that
But Suarez is one of the best players around
Scores goals so sublime he can excite any town
By now he's been bought by one of the worlds best teams
And Suarez thinks 'I can get away with anything it seems'
In football that just the way things go
Racial abuse and cheating just the way that he rolls
And somehow his value increased

This second time he was playing for Liverpool FC
A team with lots of honor and rich history
Suarez thought 'Fuck this teams reputation'
I'll chew on someone's arm they'll only give me probation
But he actually got suspended for ten games
Suarez turned around and said 'the media's to blame'
Liverpool supported him through it all
They liked the way he kicked them foot balls
And even for 40 million they wouldn't let him leave

When his suspension is over he makes a return
With a point to prove and a bad reputation to burn
He starts scoring goals at such a rapid rate
The media seem to forget about 'he-bit-me-gate'
Here's the story of the biting man
With a rat like face and taste for human flesh
That prick he'll never confess
Now a cannibal but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.

Holy shit this song is a fucking long one
Oh wait, ha ha, I just thought of an awesome pun
I might have bitten off more here than I can chew
This song is harder than human skin to get through

On to Brazil and Suarez reputation is fine
The biggest clubs in the world are saying he's 'MINE'!
The form he is in Uruguay could win the world cup!
That's unless Suarez seriously fucks up
How can the biggest sport in the land
Let itself be tainted by such a man
The game doesn't deserve this hit
Plus what's the deal with his stupid hand tape shit?
What a stupid little prick

Suarez can score goals that will blow you away
But that's not his favorite part of soccer these days
It's just a chance to get close to other's limbs
So he can salivate up and bite down some skin
That's the story of the biting man
But it won't be over till he gets a life ban
And we take back all his accolades
He's a filthy cannibal but one time he could-a been
The champion of the world.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How to meet me for lunch

Two days ago I did 'how to pay men like that to talk' and it was a very popular episode. I got thousands of people telling me how much they liked it, and from what I understand dozens of men like that have now been paid to talk. It’s really been a society altering episode, maybe even earth changing, especially the parts of earth with societies.

However, it hasn’t all been good news. Yesterdays episode 'How to do impressions', while beloved by the masses, was, as I have been emailed about by many, many angry people, was not 'how to meet me for lunch' as promised. My email box sounds like a damn pinball machine with angry responses, 'where is 'how to meet me for lunch’ damn it?' people have been emailing me, ‘how the fuck am I supposed to know ‘how to meet me for lunch’ if you don’t fucking tell me?’ others have written, and ‘I’m going on a hunger strike until I am dead, that’s because you didn’t do ‘how to meet me for lunch’ you prick, till I’m DEAD I tells you’ has been another common response. And I know, I am sorry. Here it is, it’s one day late. That’s the joy of a daily show, it’s only ever one day late, if I miss something, not that you don’t have the right to be pissed off and threatening life threatening strike type dedications, those are very valid responses, I am not in anyway discounting your acceptable and understandable reactions, just that it’s daily, so, sorry, I won’t let you down again, ok? I promise.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

I hope someone brought the butter

 I got a haircut yesterday - and yes, thank you, I wanted to look like a bearded lesbian, I am glad you noticed, approve and more than that applaud me for it. You are all very sweet and generous people, and I will most certainly take your compliments, love, and praise and pack them into the small hole I keep below my left pancreas, which is where I keep emotions that I haven’t had time to cram into my heart yet.

Of course there is a reason why I don’t foresee having time to shove them into my heart, because something happened during my haircut experience which is kind of a little concerning, and no it’s not my once again pathetic attempts to make small talk with someone cutting my hair, but thanks for noticing, I appreciate it, and enjoy your commendations.

Here is the thing, before the haircut the hairdresser washed my hair, because why else get a haircut other than for the opportunity for your one hair wash every year? And as the hairdresser was rubbing my head while washing my hair, she paused for a moment before anxiously saying:

 'Wow you really hold a lot of tension in your skull'.

So yes it is true, the tension in my brain is starting to infiltrate my skull and my head may pop at any moment. Now I am not writing this blog looking for sympathy nor compassion. All our heads will pop one day, it is an inevitable part of life. Some have their head pop way into old age, and some have it pop randomly still young and while their life is going great. It is something that we cannot change. Suddenly you hear a loud bang, and realize that no one near by was carrying a balloon, and see a body on the ground missing a popped head. That is something we all live with as humans.  

But what we don’t have to live with is having random brain parts from popped heads splashing on us ruining our shirts. If you see me coming, please, pull out your poncho and put it on immediately. You will not offend me in the slightest. I carry around a poncho everywhere too, and yet I, like I am sure all of you, have faced the horror of being on a train, or at a crowded party, where a head has popped and your poncho was kept dry and in your pocket, while one of your favorite shirts is ruined, and you’re all like ‘oh come on man, let a guy know if you think your head may be about to pop!’

As I look around the secret webcams I have pointed at most of you reading this, I am seeing a lot of nodding heads. And yet out in public saying things like this is for some reason taboo – ‘we don’t want to offend anyone who’s head is about to pop’ people whisper to each other. And yet every single one of us carries around a poncho at all times supposedly to protect our shirts from brains splashing from popped heads.

Well enough is enough. I am brave enough to say it – I am David Tieck, and according to my hairdresser, whom I see for all my medical needs, hold a lot of tension in my skull, and therefore my head may pop at any second.

Now it’s all of your turns, have you had a haircut lately?

Oh holy hell, as I am looking around the webcams I am not seeing a single hand up in the air. How the hell then do you even know if your head might be about to pop? This is so much worse than I expected! 

Forget waiting for someone to warn you that their head might be about to pop before putting on your poncho. Apparently most people haven’t had a check up as recently as me. Oh my god people. For all we know heads might start popping all over the goddamn place.

Screw it. I wanted to use my immanent head pop to encourage a generous warning period so we could get our ponchos on in time and save our shirts, but it’s useless, so let’s all just all wear our ponchos all the time. I ain’t spending one more night trying to wash splashed brains out of a button up.

So there you go, mines on. And yes, the garbage bag green does look nice with my bearded lesbian looking head. I will take your kindness, affection, and accolades and pack them right in there under that left pancreas right away.

Wait, one more thing, if your head is about to pop, does it matter what your hair looks like?