Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Don't ruin those girls, you bastards!

I’ve been thinking a lot about fame the past couple of days. As a famous author I am well on my way to being famous, I mean consider this list of places I have been recognized by adoring public:

-In an elevator.
- On the street.
- In a mall.

Sure, it’s only happened three times total, but those are the three most popular places for humans to be! Scientists claim that at any given point of time 79% of people on earth are either in the mall, in an elevator or on the street, and I have been recognized in all three of those spots, that’s got to mean something right?

Yes it does, it means I am well on my way to fame. Need more evidence? Well consider this true story - there is a TV show called ‘How Do I Look’ on American TV somewhere. The concept of the show is that they find people who secretly hate how a friend of theirs dresses and instead of having a quiet word, or realizing the best people are individuals who dress the way they do because they like it that way, and don’t need to follow fashions just to hide any personality they can, they get you to ambush them with camera crew and fashion experts and force them to become just another sheep in the latest unattractive and uncomfortable trend that is out there.

One of the suggestions they give as to why your friend may need a make over is that she may dress ‘nerdy or geeky’. How the fuck dare you ‘How Do I Look’ the nerdy/ geeky girls are some of the hottest fucking girls out there, how dare you try and get them out of their comfortable Converse and into ridiculous heels so they constantly walk with bleeding ankles, crushed toes and looking like thery’re always trying to take a turd. There are far, far, far too few of these girls as there is, don’t take them away from us.

I only know about this because they are about to film several episodes in Australia and they contacted me yesterday to tell me that ‘saw your photo and I would love to consider you as an accomplice’ and that in accomplices they are looking for ‘STYLISH FEMALES’!

Yes, me me me, according to them I’M a stylish female, So much so they want me to go on their show to show it off, hell yeah!

Also today I was approached by a newspaper to take part in their ‘asking people on the street if they are working on anything at the moment that they had put off to spring to start working on’ feature.

I was able to give them this direct quote in response to their question – ‘No’. And because of this delightful insight into the human condition I gifted them they felt they needed to also take my photograph, as clearly people would need to put a face to the name of this amazing ‘no’ person.

Fortunately as of the past couple of days I am rocking my – ‘I’ve had a lot of acne around my mouth recently so I haven’t been shaving at all in a vain attempt to hide it even though my beard doesn’t grow in some of these pimple spots but I feel like the more going on the less people will focus on the zits’ - full beard. Hell yeah!

So yeah, I’m pretty famous. And this is getting concerning. You see last night I was watching TV and for the thirteenth trillion time a television journalist mentioned that a celebrity that was now dead was having some of their former work used in a way that would mean right about now the dead celebrity would be ‘turning in his grave’.

This raises several questions:
1. Who invented this cliché and why is it so popular?
2. I prefer to sleep on my side or stomach, but they always place you on your back in a coffin, I sure as hell HOPE I get to turn in my grave?
3. Why does it take a misuse of your legacy to cause this, and what happens to side sleepers who aren’t celebrities?
4. Whenever a girl says 'don’t put words in my mouth' I always think 'really, what do you want me to put in there, something sexy, like my t-shirt, that’s weird?’
5. What the hell happens to celebrities who are cremated, can they not have their work exploited later or do we need to coin a new phrase?

The answers to these questions are as follows

1. It’s popular because unimaginative journalists are jealous of the coiner ‘Bob’, a necrophiliac who was famous in Victorian times for sodomizing recently deceased aristocrats.
2. No, you’re dead you idiot. Plus you don’t want to be buried. Plus you’re not really famous you were using sarcasm and irony above.
3. They get really, really badly decomposed, and teenagers use their house later in life to throw parties where ‘immoral acts’ take place, it really is sad.
4. If you’re going to eat my t-shirt, can I then sodomize you?
5. We need a new phrase, go coining crazy Dave, I believe in you!

Yay – coining time:

If they are in an urn we can say they must be ‘farting in their pot’.

If they were dumped in the ocean we can say they must be feeling like they’ve been ‘washed up a whales bum’.

If they were spread over a field we can say they must feel like they have ‘been blown up the nose of a person with a cold who then sneezed them into a salad bar sadly lacking in a sneeze guard causing a customer to complain that the lettuce is dirty that earns them a free voucher for a free diet coke upon next visit.’

If they were intentionally snorted, Keith Richard’s dad style, we can say ‘had a really weird son.’

If their partner had their ashes enclosed into a dildo she masturbates with daily we can say they must be ‘feeling like they sprung a leak during orgasm.’

The lessons are:

- Before I die I’m going to have two toes removed bury one and cremate one, just to figure out which feels right.
- If urination is not in your top four ways of removing urine from your body then you must be awesome.
- I think tomorrow I might remove some hair from my body, but which part, mmm mystery.
- I hope I find a partner one day who will dildo up my ashes.
- If I spring a leak I hope there isn’t some dude there licking it up.

And now so I don’t end with a disgusting imagery here are some more looks that ‘How Do I look’ thinks need to be repaired.

1. Sporty Tomboy needs to go Glam!
2. College grad needs a professional look! Or Stuck in her high school look and she’s in her 30’s!
3. Comic-Book Nerd.
4. Every day is Halloween with her quirky style!
5. She loves to wear “Little House on the Prairie” style dresses (long and patterned dresses).
6. Forever in hand me downs.
7. People who lost weight but still wear their big clothes.
8. Earth Mother.
9. Dresses like a kid.
10. Granola girl needs to go Glam!

What they really mean of course is:

Change your
1. Most guys dream 2. Fun 3. Individualistic 4. Super fun 5. Beautiful 6. Poor yet trying 7. Never says this is good enough until they reach their goal 8. Caring 9. Fun 10. Healthy
Friend into a high maintenance, boring, lives beyond her means, gives up early, stupid sheep.

Fuck you ‘How Do I Look’ I hope you all die, and are wearing such stupid tight clothes you CAN’T turn in your grave!

Then I hop Bob pays you a visit. Ahhh, necrophilia, you’ll NEVER be disgusting imagery!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vicious vicious criminal

If I ever go to jail I want it to be for something cool…. like vagrancy!

Other vicious criminals: Whatcha in for?

Me, only with a cool gruff vicious criminal voice: Nothing! And I mean LITERALLY nothing, I’m in jail for doing nothing for so long they put me in here, I do my nothing hard, I nothing to the core. When I’m feeling the demon in my soul I go out somewhere in public and just do nothing for so long and hard the cops are like 'if this guy keeps up with all that nothing he might fucking kill someone'. That's how bitching my nothing is motherfuckers. So stay away from my toothbrush or I’ll nothing you to death!

Priest, with tears in his eyes and a vicious quivering chin: We are gathered here today to remember the life of Tom, taken so young after David Tieck did nothing so long people started dying (now really crying) why didn't the officials stop this before it was too late, make that man do something for fucks sake!

Actually the cool thing about going to jail for vagrancy is the punishment is to continue to do nothing. Jail is literally like a perfect crafted school where people can master vagrancy! It's like Harvard man. Wow, the two pillars of cool, jail and Harvard, now I actually want to do it, I would do it too, but I’m just too viciously lazy, but still, stay away from my fucking toothbrush!

Also don't forget to go vote for me over here: http://www.pedestrian.tv/blogster/tech_media_culture for the love of god won't someone think about the vicious children?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

This is not a drill

For those who haven't yet, please check out my other blog

www.everyoneistalkingabout.com its my topical humor spot.

Also don't forget to vote for me in the Pedestrian Blogstar awards


Thanks awesome people

Monday, September 12, 2011

Really, really costly

Here is an exchange I just witnessed.

Frantic woman: Excuse me sir, I am really sorry to bother you, but I lost my wallet and I desperately need $5 so I can get home.

Naive looking man with welcoming grey beard and smile while pulling out cash: I don’t have a five, only twenties sorry.

Woman: I wouldn’t ask, but I am really, really desperate, you couldn’t give me a twenty if I gave you back a ten?

Man: Um, Um, Um, well, you know.

Women pulling out a ten: Please, I really need it.

Man, reluctantly hands over a twenty and takes the ten.

Woman turns around and as soon as he can’t see her anymore her frantic face changes into a beaming smile and she walks away with a smug skip.

The conclusion is obvious – the bus in Sydney must cost FIFTEEN DOLLARS!!! Why are you smiling lady, you should be OUTRAGED at having to pay that much to get home. Less smiling and more writing to your local government representative lady!!!!

I guess the real question is have you ever staple gunned your face to another persons face? It hurts but you end up getting to know them better.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A HUGE apology by me (and other capitalized words)

In my last blog I discussed the ongoing problem of violence around Sydney nightspots, and as part of that blog I was forced of course to discuss the people who are at fault for all this violence - the bouncers.

Well I have done some research, and from what I have now learned I have to whole heartily and quite humbly say this to all the bouncers:


Yes, I apologize for bashing you with my words and I also apologize for many times saying to people ‘if there was a button that could be pressed and instantly kill every bouncer in Sydney I would press it without hesitation or guilt’, and I also apologize for then fantasizing about how hard I would laugh watching the news trying to figure out how to make it seem like a tragedy.

Why have you changed your tune David? I hear some of you ask. Well I have been doing some research and it turns out being a bouncer is way, way harder than it seems. In fact, and I think few people know this, but just becoming a bouncer requires…

Wait, wait, I interrupt this blog for a bit of breaking coincidence I just have to share. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop writing this, and out the window a man just arrived who is currently drinking a beer the size of a small cow, that isn’t in a brown paper bag, adjacent to a public park full of playing kids, and is now standing over three guys trying to conduct a meeting and creepily staring at them. Then FIVE cops walked past, all kitted up with every baton and taser imaginable, this ONE day after the State Government announced new laws making it easier for them to deal with public drunks, and they just looked at him and did or said NOTHING. Wait, now he’s yelling at the meeting. Hmm.

So like I was saying, there is NO problem with drunks in this city, it is ALL the bouncers fault, and I have to apologize to them because I have now found out how hard it is even to become a bouncer.

Surprisingly the journey to this particular career path starts at birth. To become a bouncer you must be born really, really stupid. And I mean REALLY stupid, it is a tough window you must hit, because sadly if you are born with slightly MORE intelligence than your average bouncer has you will probably end up being institutionalized for being mentally handicapped. And that destroys careers before they even begin. And being born this dumb really does take some luck. It helps if your mother’s birth certificate somewhere includes the words ‘possibly a girl'.

For those dumb enough to avoid the institutions the journey has just begun, and it is far from smooth sailing (a sport they will never understand - ‘but when I am in the bath I sink in the bath, why don’t those boats sink in that big, big bath mommy’).

If they manage to make it into adolescence without drinking drain cleaner, forking the toaster, or taking an iron into the bath trying to figure out sailing, they will eventually find themselves identified as 'having literally no possibility of contributing anything positive to society ever' it is now time to undertake a dangerous and invasive operation where the parts of the brain that house ‘compassion’, ‘common sense’ and the word ‘sorry’ are cut out and fed to pet snakes.

Now they must navigate school, this is a minefield (things that often kill off potential bouncers - ‘really? This is ‘mine’ field, I want to run all over my field mommy’). During school they must get all the bully training they can, and really develop a hardcore passion for physically hurting people, but not so much that they get expelled, forcing them into violent crime and ending up prematurely in jail (most bouncers are not encouraged to earn a jail spell until at least the age of 22, any younger and they themselves will become the bullied and that can rekindle a long lost spark of empathy, an emotion that sadly can't be cut out and fed to a snake, or exist in a bouncer).

If they get through this, and few do, it's time to learn about the intricate skills of bouncing (also if you want your kid to grow up to be a bouncer you must ensure that he never goes anywhere near a jumping castle when he is a kid, the word ‘bouncing’ to him must ONLY conjure images of violence. If he does get invited to a party with a jumping castle make sure he goes in there holding a hunting knife ‘why is all my blood not on the inside of me now mommy?’ – So you’ll know how people are supposed to look if they want to have fun in a club son.)

Bouncer tribes, like most evil cults, have a distinct set of commandments they must know inside and out:

1. If it has a penis it is too drunk to come in.
2. If it has tits it is allowed to puke into a puppy’s face and still come in.
3. Pay bribes to cops BEFORE you bash someone for nothing.
4. Put on pants BEFORE you put on shoes, it’s much more efficient.
5. Remember the cops want to bash people for nothing too, make sure you just antagonize some to the point of wanting to fight.
6. All men’s shoes are wrong.
7. Once a week laugh and laugh while setting a box of puppys on fire that you’ve stolen from a cancer kid that was given to him to cheer him up after his dad died in a botched attempt at a bone marrow transplant on the day he found out Santa wasn't real.
8. If you must experiment with irons in the bath unplug them for god sake.
9. Punching people in the face is fun.
10. Why does my brain feel hollow, is there bits missing?

And that’s it. It usually takes them a few months to look up all those words in the dictionary so they know what they mean (‘what does ‘botched’ mean mommy?’ – ‘It’s what the doctor did to my boob job son, that’s why I have sex with 24 year-olds in the toilets at your job’) and then a year or two to memorize the list, but then they are free to stand in front of nightclubs. It’s shocking isn’t it, I had no idea getting that job was so hard.

So all I can say is sorry for being so hard on you bouncers, you’ve had in tough. Wait the word ‘sorry’ has been physically removed from your brain, um, how can I explain – it’s like wanting someone else to feel better about something you’ve done, you know almost like the opposite of bashing them for no reason.

As for you patrons there is hope for you too. If you want a fun night out you can party in almost any other western city in the world and bouncers will for the most part help you have a fun safe night (also known as doing their intended job). Or if you are stuck in Sydney consider this easy trick - just cut a small square of blank paper, write P.T.O. on one side and then also P.T.O. on the other side and hand to bouncer and before he’s managed to escape the trap you'll have already had a fun night and will be half way through a late night kebab.

As for me I am going to stop complaining about bouncers and instead try and walk home without this drunk outside puking on me, maybe I’ll just hand him a puppy.

‘Where is my puppy mommy?’
‘I gave it to a guy to give to a drunk to puke on, trust me, one day you’ll get your revenge, oh yeah, you’ll get your revenge, also damn you hurt coming out of my penis hole son! Also if you go to the toilet at work tonight make sure you say hi.’

Monday, September 5, 2011

Unnecessary acts of violence

And now, for a change of pace, it is time for some hard-hitting journalism from Dave.

This past week in Sydney, as part of their only job requirement - keeping patrons safe and having fun, several bouncers at nightclub hot spot, ‘The Ivy’ dragged a man into the basement and beat him near to death. Then when the cops showed up they told them ‘the bad man done run away boss, he not in the room in the underground being having the skin on his face bones ripped off with knuckles, I swear he ain’t boss, I swear’ and when the cops chased after this ghost down the street the bouncers used the time to clean up the crime scene so, they hoped, they could get away with it.

‘Come to the Ivy this weekend, everyone is safe and having fun at the Ivy, we hire security to SECURE it!’

What did this guy do so wrong to earn this beating? Well he was wearing the wrong shoes of course.

Well I am only speculating, but Sydney Bouncers are obsessed with shoes in way that makes the Sex and the City girls look like double leg amputees who cry at the mere mention of footwear existing. And due to some vortex of logic at some point in history the police and government have declared that bouncers are welcome to perform any act of prejudice, cruelty or violence to anyone they want to as long as before hand the bouncer has told them that he doesn’t like the guys shoes.

I have numerous Asian friends, for example, and there are several clubs in Sydney that have a no Asians allowed policy, but that’s hard to enforce under normal laws so instead what they say is ‘Sorry, you can’t come in… wearing THOSE shoes!’ It doesn’t matter what shoes he is wearing, they can be sneakers, they can be brand new $500 leather shoes hand crafted by the pope, or they can be, and almost always are, the exact same shoes as other people are wearing that are let in just before you and just after you. This can be if you’re Asian or any other ethnic minority, or literally any other sub-group they want to be prejudice against, long hair, gay, fat, old, too ugly, fancy shirt wearer, hat wearer – this is true, there is literally several men hired by the State government who’s job is to drive around to pubs and make sure no one is wearing a hat in them – seriously as ludicrous as it sounds this is 100% true! I think a politician saw a spy movie once where a bad guy had a hat that had a knife in the peak and he screamed ‘hats can kill’ and dedicated his life to making sure if someone is wearing one when he gets to the pub he must leave it on the table, NOT on his head, phew everyone is safe.

Now what often happens is the person being discriminated against will say ‘but I can see four people in there from here wearing almost identical shoes as mine, what the fuck?’ The bouncer is now allowed to say that he felt ‘threatened by this behavior’ and is allowed to beat this man to any level of pulp he so desires and the next day the media shouts ‘alcohol fueled louts creating violence in Sydney streets again!’

It should be pointed out that this is very much allowed by the cops. I once witnessed a man getting rejected by a bar because his outfit was wrong (he was Asian) and this man responded by purposely walking through the velvet rope, which inspired the bouncer to pick him up and throw him onto a very busy highway, only not killing him by the fate of a red light, before chasing him up the street. I frantically located policemen fearing for the man’s life and after telling him what happened the first cop said to me ‘fuck off mate’ and when I looked to his partner to figure out what was going on he added ‘he said fuck off mate’.

Ah to protect and serve.

Another time I was in a bar where the bouncer was such a cock to me on the way in that I vowed not to spend a cent on the inside so I didn’t drink anything at all. A couple of hours later I was kicked out with no explanation. Pissed off I tried to argue with him at the door merely wanting an explanation and the cops showed up saying:

‘What’s going on here’?
‘I was kicked out and I merely want an explanation’
‘It’s because you’re drunk you fucking idiot and if you don’t leave right now I’ll smash you in the face with my baton and throw you in the paddy wagon’ said a police officer to me, and fuck you I haven’t had a sip of alcohol.

Ah to protect and serve. I literally cried after this, it was the moment I knew the wonderful Sydney I grew up in no longer existed. It was also the closest I ever have or ever will go to committing an act of violence, I actually thought about it - that's intense for me. I also once thought about picking flowers, but I didn’t do that either, I am not a man of action.

Violence on Sydney streets has been a big talking point in the media in the past year, much to the surprise of everyone, even though I had this article published in the Sydney Morning Herald five years ago:


Yep – I predicted this all! Yet I still don’t have a real journalism job.

No one can figure out why this is getting so out of hand even though it’s been the same for many years, and also the fact that the nights they do police blitzes there is always WAY more violence. Wait, add way more cops and there is way more violence, I just can’t figure it out!

Let me think about this – when I put chocolate powder in milk the milk gets chocolaty, and if I put more chocolate in the milk gets more chocolaty, so if more cops means more violence it’s the milks fault?

Of course all of the discussion is coming from police commissioners, politicians and journalists, 100% of whom haven’t tried to have a party night since 1972, and therefore have no fucking clue what they are talking about so just blame it on alcohol and young party enthusiasts.

Equivalents to this idiocy:
- Toddlers teaching people how to perform heart surgery
- A ‘Where to stay in Tunisia’ book written by a someone who’s never left Anchorage Alaska, and has never learned to read
- A vegan proclaiming ‘Now THAT was a good meal’
- People who are Chris Brown fans

Despite this being a big talking point for a long time this specific beating at the Ivy was particularly shocking, because the Ivy is a hotspot, and therefore is a place where men who are very, very boring go to lie about how much money they have so plastic women will sleep with them. The Ivy is swarming with so much pretentiousness and vanity that one time a guy there mentioned that he had once been to an art gallery for fun and the roof caught on fire. Another time two girls walked past having a lively political discussion and three people instantly drowned in the VIP pool. So being a bouncer here is considered the cream of the crop for Bouncers, and sadly owner of the Ivy, nightclub baron Justin Hemmes, has been forced to fire the men who beat that poor man, because, I assume, in his words ‘I built you that space in the basement so you could beat people near to death and NOT get caught you idiots, and when I encourage you to really badly hurt people because they don’t satisfy my personal aesthetics, and that is very often, I want you to beat them so bad they will never fully recover in way that doesn’t make me look bad, because I want to fuck lots of plastic women, and the ones that like to fuck violent people all want Chris Brown, YOU’RE FIRED, but if you see an Asian guy trying to get in on the way out take him down to the basement and beat him near to death please, just make sure you tell him he has the wrong shoes first’

‘Hey we know how to be bouncers!’ they responded. Yes they do.

If you also don't like random acts of severe prejudice or violence please click on this link, or copy and paste it if the link thing wont work, spot me, David Tieck on the top right, and hit like. If you do like people being beaten for no reason you can skip this step, but really what kind of a person does that make you?