Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Don't ruin those girls, you bastards!

I’ve been thinking a lot about fame the past couple of days. As a famous author I am well on my way to being famous, I mean consider this list of places I have been recognized by adoring public:

-In an elevator.
- On the street.
- In a mall.

Sure, it’s only happened three times total, but those are the three most popular places for humans to be! Scientists claim that at any given point of time 79% of people on earth are either in the mall, in an elevator or on the street, and I have been recognized in all three of those spots, that’s got to mean something right?

Yes it does, it means I am well on my way to fame. Need more evidence? Well consider this true story - there is a TV show called ‘How Do I Look’ on American TV somewhere. The concept of the show is that they find people who secretly hate how a friend of theirs dresses and instead of having a quiet word, or realizing the best people are individuals who dress the way they do because they like it that way, and don’t need to follow fashions just to hide any personality they can, they get you to ambush them with camera crew and fashion experts and force them to become just another sheep in the latest unattractive and uncomfortable trend that is out there.

One of the suggestions they give as to why your friend may need a make over is that she may dress ‘nerdy or geeky’. How the fuck dare you ‘How Do I Look’ the nerdy/ geeky girls are some of the hottest fucking girls out there, how dare you try and get them out of their comfortable Converse and into ridiculous heels so they constantly walk with bleeding ankles, crushed toes and looking like thery’re always trying to take a turd. There are far, far, far too few of these girls as there is, don’t take them away from us.

I only know about this because they are about to film several episodes in Australia and they contacted me yesterday to tell me that ‘saw your photo and I would love to consider you as an accomplice’ and that in accomplices they are looking for ‘STYLISH FEMALES’!

Yes, me me me, according to them I’M a stylish female, So much so they want me to go on their show to show it off, hell yeah!

Also today I was approached by a newspaper to take part in their ‘asking people on the street if they are working on anything at the moment that they had put off to spring to start working on’ feature.

I was able to give them this direct quote in response to their question – ‘No’. And because of this delightful insight into the human condition I gifted them they felt they needed to also take my photograph, as clearly people would need to put a face to the name of this amazing ‘no’ person.

Fortunately as of the past couple of days I am rocking my – ‘I’ve had a lot of acne around my mouth recently so I haven’t been shaving at all in a vain attempt to hide it even though my beard doesn’t grow in some of these pimple spots but I feel like the more going on the less people will focus on the zits’ - full beard. Hell yeah!

So yeah, I’m pretty famous. And this is getting concerning. You see last night I was watching TV and for the thirteenth trillion time a television journalist mentioned that a celebrity that was now dead was having some of their former work used in a way that would mean right about now the dead celebrity would be ‘turning in his grave’.

This raises several questions:
1. Who invented this cliché and why is it so popular?
2. I prefer to sleep on my side or stomach, but they always place you on your back in a coffin, I sure as hell HOPE I get to turn in my grave?
3. Why does it take a misuse of your legacy to cause this, and what happens to side sleepers who aren’t celebrities?
4. Whenever a girl says 'don’t put words in my mouth' I always think 'really, what do you want me to put in there, something sexy, like my t-shirt, that’s weird?’
5. What the hell happens to celebrities who are cremated, can they not have their work exploited later or do we need to coin a new phrase?

The answers to these questions are as follows

1. It’s popular because unimaginative journalists are jealous of the coiner ‘Bob’, a necrophiliac who was famous in Victorian times for sodomizing recently deceased aristocrats.
2. No, you’re dead you idiot. Plus you don’t want to be buried. Plus you’re not really famous you were using sarcasm and irony above.
3. They get really, really badly decomposed, and teenagers use their house later in life to throw parties where ‘immoral acts’ take place, it really is sad.
4. If you’re going to eat my t-shirt, can I then sodomize you?
5. We need a new phrase, go coining crazy Dave, I believe in you!

Yay – coining time:

If they are in an urn we can say they must be ‘farting in their pot’.

If they were dumped in the ocean we can say they must be feeling like they’ve been ‘washed up a whales bum’.

If they were spread over a field we can say they must feel like they have ‘been blown up the nose of a person with a cold who then sneezed them into a salad bar sadly lacking in a sneeze guard causing a customer to complain that the lettuce is dirty that earns them a free voucher for a free diet coke upon next visit.’

If they were intentionally snorted, Keith Richard’s dad style, we can say ‘had a really weird son.’

If their partner had their ashes enclosed into a dildo she masturbates with daily we can say they must be ‘feeling like they sprung a leak during orgasm.’

The lessons are:

- Before I die I’m going to have two toes removed bury one and cremate one, just to figure out which feels right.
- If urination is not in your top four ways of removing urine from your body then you must be awesome.
- I think tomorrow I might remove some hair from my body, but which part, mmm mystery.
- I hope I find a partner one day who will dildo up my ashes.
- If I spring a leak I hope there isn’t some dude there licking it up.

And now so I don’t end with a disgusting imagery here are some more looks that ‘How Do I look’ thinks need to be repaired.

1. Sporty Tomboy needs to go Glam!
2. College grad needs a professional look! Or Stuck in her high school look and she’s in her 30’s!
3. Comic-Book Nerd.
4. Every day is Halloween with her quirky style!
5. She loves to wear “Little House on the Prairie” style dresses (long and patterned dresses).
6. Forever in hand me downs.
7. People who lost weight but still wear their big clothes.
8. Earth Mother.
9. Dresses like a kid.
10. Granola girl needs to go Glam!

What they really mean of course is:

Change your
1. Most guys dream 2. Fun 3. Individualistic 4. Super fun 5. Beautiful 6. Poor yet trying 7. Never says this is good enough until they reach their goal 8. Caring 9. Fun 10. Healthy
Friend into a high maintenance, boring, lives beyond her means, gives up early, stupid sheep.

Fuck you ‘How Do I Look’ I hope you all die, and are wearing such stupid tight clothes you CAN’T turn in your grave!

Then I hop Bob pays you a visit. Ahhh, necrophilia, you’ll NEVER be disgusting imagery!

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