An open apology from Brad Pitt - Oct 27 2014

Dear World (those of you still alive that is - lol) (I hope you still have your sense of humor - if not please ignore that 'those of you still alive that is - lol' thing, I was hoping that humor might help heal you know, but I understand that not everyone feels this way, that laughter heals that is, so if you don't feel that way I am sorry. Oh wow, check me out, I am apologizing already and I haven't even started the apology letter yet, sorry for that),

It has been a week now since it all happened and I feel like perhaps its time for me to explain a bit about what happened on my trip to China right before World War Three broke out. (Its funny when they say a war broke out isn't it, because if you were in a war and you just broke a bone you'd probably think that was better than being shot- don't you just love word play?)

First off I want to say that I have always tried to keep up with the news, but due to the demands of being the worlds sexiest man and a huge world wide movie star some things slip past even me. So to be honest I had no idea that ..due to the Chinese one child policy and a cultural preference for sons, millions of daughters were shoved down kitchen waste disposal units and that there were something like 150 million more men in there 20's than girls in ....China..... In hindsight (does that mean your hind legs have sight, cause legs don't have eyes!) it was probably wrong to open my speech on climate control with 'hey where's all the women, is this a gay meeting?' To be honest as I said it I thought I might get accused of being homophobic, so having 150 million young Chinese men immediately furious with me, caught me by surprise. To be honest I don't work well when I depart from my script. Ha, ha, its funny what problems your mouth can cause isn't it? So yeah, sorry. (wait I just realized I was making that up on the spot yet it was still ME who was surprised, like a surprised myself, lol, thats awesome).

I have to admit (I just spell checked this word, and I had it wrong and one of the alternative suggestions was 'armpit' that is lol awesome) I find it hard to imagine being in your twenties and not having women falling all over you. Can you imagine it? Not having women just throwing themselves at you? Not having sex every time you want it? Its like trying to imagine nothingness, its impossible (when I try I always see a green, moldy piece of cheese, its not totally nothing, but I guess its worth nothing, so does that make it nothing?) But let me tell you, my fellow American men might not be able to imagine not having constant awesome sex, but in China they LIVE it (meaning they live no sex not they live sex which would be way cooler). Some of them haven't even had sex once. Wow, it still blows my mind. Anyway it was probably a mistake to introduce Angelina by saying 'Here's my wife, thats right I get to fuck this, whenever I want, and sometimes she brings other girls into the bedroom that we share'. If I had known most of them didn't have sex with beautiful girls everyday I may not have introduced her like that (Maybe I could have said, take my wife, please - lol, cause thats a funny joke and people in the audience might think I mean they can have sex with my wife, till I throw in the lol, so they know its just a joke, that would have been cool). So I guess I should say sorry for that too. I just thought everyone had it like myself and other western men, you all have sex with beautiful girls all the time don't you? Yeah of course, I thought so, but not so in China. Wow.

Sorry to hark on about this, but seriously I just can't get over it, these guys didn't get their winkies licked in the classroom by their hot teachers when they were twelve. When they were teenagers they didn't go to the store to buy tennis balls or something and end up fucking the lady in the tennis store. Can you imagine that, going to a tennis store, where a hot tennis lady is working, and her NOT having sex with you? These Chinamen are in their twenties and never had sex, WOW! So yeah I probably shouldn't have said 'don't you love it when you slide your dick into the most beautiful girl in the world's pussy, while she licks another hot girls pussy, and while seven other naked girls look on'. Like I said, I am not good with improvisation, I just thought they would think it was funny because of the you know, its funny cause its true thing, But apparently its not true for them. Honestly I know us in America live this way, but in China they don't, wow. (Wait does rice make you not want to have sex? Oh no lol, thats right, they have no girls thats the problem, never mind). So yeah, sorry about that bit.

Here's a lesson for you all for the future. It caught me by surprise but it doesn't have to catch you by surprise. When you are next in China giving a speech on how even though they only have just got access to things like cars and some wealth to enjoy things like international travel but that they can't enjoy them at all and should go back to living in slums because of Global Warming caused by people who have been enjoying those things for years, its not a good idea to try and win over their bubbling anger by bragging about the new huge TV on your private jet.

No I am telling you truth, I know you're doubting me, I know you can't believe it, because back in the Western world we know talking about your private jet makes everyone like you more, not over there, it makes them mad for some reason. Must be a culture thing. (Why does culture rhyme with vulture, those things are so different lol, words really crack me up).

Also it turns out its not good to to keep referring to the future for these people as being full of time raising and playing with your many kids. Did you know in China your only allowed to have one kid? I had no idea. When Angie and I got our twentieth baby we said to each other 'maybe just one more' but Chinese people say that when they have no babies. Wow, so different. And you thought the fish that like eat there own babies were weird, they at least have babies. For some reason a Chinaman asked me why if I bought many of my babies why I would buy baby girls, and I said I like baby girls, and he looked at me like that made ME weird. Different vultures I guess. (see what I did there, word play is so much fun lol). I am sorry if I ever bought one of the Chinamens babies that he actually wanted though, I didn't know they were only allowed one. So sorry for that too.

I just realized I suggested when the Chinese people say hey 'want to have one more baby' when they have no babies is like impossible, because you can't have more of nothing. Wow, thats like that one hand clapping thing. Did that come from the middle east where they cut off your hand for stealing, because that means the sound of one hand clapping is actually the sound of a stealer, so we probably shouldn't support that. I'm sorry if I have used that phrase insensitively in the past.

So anyway when we left all these Chinese people were pissed off, and I am not sure if it was because I got them all fired up over Global Warming, or yeah some of the things I accidentally said which I said sorry for above, and again I am just not good at making stuff up on the spot and I should have just read what was written in front of me, so sorry, but if it was the second one, that it was me who got them angry not Global Warming then I am sorry again. I don't know maybe they just all have AIDs (get it, because they are all virgins so they can't get AIDs, that is one of those jokes thats funny because its NOT true lol).

I guess you all know what happened next. Angie and I flew our private jet out towards our Island in the Caribbean, and I don't know, before we got to check the news (our Wi-Fi was down on the island, don't you sometimes feel the world is just all conspiring to fuck with just you, the biggest news story in history and we had no access to the internet, so unfair) anyway China sent about 30,000 nukes at America, and America sent lots back, and some missed and all that and hit like the wrong countries (see its not just me thats sometimes makes mistakes) and before poor Wi-Fi free Angie and me (hey that rhymes, awesome) could find out everyone was nuking everyone and like 5 billion people were dead. (hey I just realized at the top when I made that joke about if you're alive I am sorry, but if you're not alive you're probably not even reading this apology, that is so lol funny).

I still don't get why everyone didn't just escape to their private islands. I mean we were suffering with no Wi-Fi but that doesn't mean all your islands would have been, and its got to be safer than staying in your penthouse in a city they are blowing up. Seriously people, I mean when I war breaks out just go to your island people (when pimples break out too, stay out of the tabloids when the pimples come I am telling you), I guess some people are just dumb.

Ok, so I guess some people are suggesting that just because we were in China telling the Chinese to not pollute so much, and pointing out that in the Western world we have lots of great sex with beautiful women and can have all the kids we want and everyone gets to enjoy private planes and that we got all these horny angry frustrated Chinese twenty something male virgins or riled up who immediately formed a 150 million man mob who broke into the Chinese White House and launched all the Nukes that it is somehow Angie and my fault (hey it rhymes even without the Wi-Fi bit, words man lol). So I guess if there is any truth in that then I am sorry. That's if your still alive (get it, cause most people aren't, thats my humor to make people feel better thing, again if you're not one of those people I am sorry, this one is what they call a callback, wait can you call a call, thats awesome lol).

Anyway I better go, Angie wants to have sex, but I thought I should let you know what REALLY happened, so the media doesn't make a big deal out of nothing like they always do, and hey if your yaughting near our island soon come say hello, we'll play putt putt golf. Oh did I tell you, we just put an awesome putt putt golf in on the island, isn't life awesome sometimes? (thats another of the jokes which are funny because they are NOT true lol, cause you know life is always awesome).

Peace

Sexiest man alive

Brad Pitt

David Tieck is David Tieck and does David Tieck art

Hi I am David Tieck and I just want to make an announcement here and now that David Tieck hates people who refer to themselves in the third person, David Tieck feels that this is pretentious and annoying and I can tell you when David Tieck wakes up in the morning, David Tieck may be thinking about David Tieck but he sure in hell isn’t referring to himself as David Tieck unless someone asks David Tieck what his name is and then David Tieck may well say David Tieck will answer that question now and the answer is David Tieck but David Tieck feels like you should know the who the hell David Tieck is and be able to say hey David Tieck I already know your name is David Tieck so therefore David Tieck can say hell yeah I am David Tieck that’s my name don’t wear it out, because David Tieck knows that there are only so many times people are going to say David Tieck and as David Tieck I can tell you that David Tieck has no intention of wasting one David Tieck at the wrong time, because David Tieck wants David Tieck to be a name people think when they wonder who is that David Tieck guy. I am David Tieck and I approve David Tieck's message.

And now some poorly photographed paintings by David Tieck which for some reason David Tieck decided to sign with the name of a David Tieck alias David Tieck has no longer decided to name David Tieck's work after.

First I must overcome cheese, AIDs and tennis

As an artist and a comedian there are lots of challenges. For me however there is nothing harder than overcoming cheese, AIDs and tennis. You see as crazy and twisted as my mind is, whenever I try to think of just about anything, at least in a creative situation, before I can really get anywhere my mind first has to discard jokes about cheese, AIDs and tennis. Why these three things I have no frigging idea. Sure cheese, AIDs, and tennis are all hilarious in their own ways, but why these three things have been so embedded in my mind has baffled even my super sized intelligence. Actually if I must be honest, I always first think of tennis, usually discard it, which means AIDs and cheese filters through way more than it should.

Here is a brief selection of AIDs 'jokes' from my twitter

Have you ever made fun of someone just for shits and giggles but then pooped your pants? That's a major sign you suffer from doorbell Aids

Shocking news: If you have Aids yet you're a virgin then there is a good chance you're horribly unlucky

Little known fact: If you have AIDs there is a good chance you're not a virgin or you are a poor African child

Little known facts: If you feed cats dog food over time they'll learn English just to complain about it, dirt is cleaner than an AIDs needle

Truth life isn't fair, meet a girl with AIDs, bad luck! Meet a girl who wont put out, Bad luck! That leaves 17 girls out of 3 billion, tough odds

The first time you ever showed enthusiasm was the same day you first pooed you pants, there is a lesson there, something about AIDs I guess

There, get it out of my system, cleanse me of AIDs. Oh wait, that was unintentionally cruel or ironic or something.

Now for cheese

I've got it, I have finally finally got it, this idea will change the world, stay tuned!!!! Oh and if you like tofu over cheese then fuck off

Oh fuck, on my death bed, the history of me will also include things in the future from now, I'm omnipotent and I like cheese, scary

Little known facts: A stubbed toe is often more painful than being hit in the head by a meteorite, cheese, lemons and urine are all yellow

No word rhymes with Purple! So cop this Purple - 'Terple' If you know you want to eat cheese, but are not sure which variety you are Terple!

I've come to realize that I have now eaten more cheese than most people have eaten moose ears, thats kind of scary.

I just found out that I was conceived on a futon at a fondue orgy, that explains so much

Melt away from me cheese, you see how these things are holding me back?

Tennis anyone?

After confusing the name, in Bolivia they play tennis 10 on 10 and call the sport 'Nis'. Bring 19 friends around and lets play Nis they may say

Hippy loving tennis ball collecting fans of the old school circus arts are now considered the least likely people to drink Diet Mountain Dew

Keep in mind this is just a small collection, and just stupid twitter things, most of my jokes get written on pads so I can look back and loathe them latter.

I must think of tennis, AIDs and cheese thousands of times a day. Shouldn't I be reserving that time to thinking about having sex with celebrities I'll never meet?

Are there strange thoughts or topics which always come to your mind?

Oh so I am writing this with Australian Network TV on in the background for a rare rare change, sure its 10am on a Sunday morning, but Gilligan's Island just came on! Fuck me dead right now, in 2009 this is still on NETWORK TV. I should point out its channel 9 too, the number one Aussie network for 10 or 20 years. My god, lets try something new people.

Oh yes, speaking of shits and giggles, lets spare a moment to think of the people who actually do suffer from the horrible disease that when they laugh they actually shit their pants. Sure it might seem humorous to us who can hold our bowels when faced with a laugh out load moment, but these people genuinely suffer. There was no Seinfeld or Arrested Development for them. Your famous comedians are like the devil in a hairy fat suit to them. And they must avoid elevators at all costs, get on a packed elevator, someone farts, everyone laughs, next thing you know you have underpants full of shit, and everyone hates you for feeling you have to 'top' the last guys hilarious fart. Let the guy have his moment, he earn t it you fuck head, he may be forced to hear. Yes to really have the shits and giggles is a horrible condition with their only safety places like channel 9 network Australia and Sex and the City reruns. Take your favorite comic strip into the bathroom to read next time you need to take a shit and take a moment to think of their pain. And also feel sorry for me, because when I do it I'll have to think, tennis, shit, AIDs shit, cheese, shit, oh thats right I'm supposed to be thinking about shit!

Reasons to be thankful from the mind of Dave

Hello my American friends, in case you need some help, here some extra reasons to be happy on this Thanksgiving day :)

Every time you eat a sunflower seed you deny a sunflower the chance to live, and the sunflower is the most joyful flower, which is good if you're happy hating scum

If you star on Entourage there's a better than average chance you've recently fucked someone I haven't had the pleasure of

If you're shopping and they say 'if you need to ask the price you cant afford it' what they mean is you don't deserve to be able to afford it

If you enjoy playing guitar then there is a good chance you are not addicted to raping teddy bears

Most terrorists can now be swayed to not commit a suicide bombing with a custard filled chocolate krispe kreme

If you know a girl for more than 2 years before drunkenly asking her to fuck then these days you can know there's a good chance its not true love

Due to recent technological advancements moldy donuts now taste better than an old ladies unnecessarily used tampon.

If you grind up mosquitoes in a jar they make an excellent alternative to jam on an English muffin

I you are a drink and in my mouth right now then you're finally on your way to fulfilling your preordained destiny

These days if you have no kids but try to pick up kids after school anyway their parents rarely thank you for your generosity

This year Black colored greyhounds finally are secretly delighted by the color confusion

If you're an alcoholic you can regularly enjoy naps in strangers gardens

There's now a third number to consider when your going to the toilet. Number 3 - when you diarrhea out your bellybutton

Happy Thanksgiving America!!!!!!

Chance Encounters - Part One

A murmur comes from the right hand side of the bed.

Then a sigh.

The room is mostly dark but there is a dull stream of light breaking through the gap in the curtains as the sun rises outside.

A girl sits up, and slowly climbs out of the right hand side of the bed. She is naked, all except for a single rainbow colored sock on her left foot, and her bra is on, although it is turned upside down is is sitting on her stomach. Despite her messy hair and smudged make-up she is clearly very attractive, with a beautiful curvy figure, which is marked with several red marks.

She is surveying the scene. A naked man sleeps on the left hand side of the bed, he is face down and on top of the covers and has a condom wrapper laying on the pillow next to him.

He snores gently as the girl looks at him worryingly.

Now swiftly, yet quietly she up turns her bra so it now once again holds her breasts and begins to seek out the rest of her clothes. She find her knee length bohemian vintage looking blue and pink floral skirt down beside the bed and pulls it on. She finds her second sock ontop of the messy desk beside the window, and her aqua blue tank top on the floor inbetween the bed and the desk and pulls them both on.

She now finds herself looking all over the place, constantly looking back up at the sleeping man, she looks under the bed, and all over the floor and desk, she looks scared and frustrated.

She stops in her tracks and thinks for a moment, and then moves over to the bed, puts her hand under the covers, searches around for a moment before pulling out a yellow pair of panties with a big smily face on them.

Now she scurries over to the door, picks up a small shoulder bag, she scrunches up her panties and jams them inside, then picks up a pair of pink Converse all-star sneakers.

She puts her hand on the door knob, and oh so slowly turns the handle, before gently as possible pulling the door towards her, painfully slowly. Just as the the gap is almost wide enough to squeeze between, there is a squeak.

The man erupts from his sleep, as if waking from a nightmare.

He sits upright, rubs his eyes, before looking over towards the girls guilty gaze.

"Oh hi" he mumbles "where are you going"
"I have to go" she spits out, clearly not happy he is awake
"Why?" he responds sheepishly
"Look, ok, I was drunk last night, I had way too much, you took advantage and got your frigging notch on your bed post or whatever the fuck you guys do now, but I'm not that kind of girl ok, and I don't like guys who take advantage of drunk girls and use them for sex, so I think I am just going to go home, feel like a moron for allowing this to happen to me, and try to forget it as soon as fucking possible"
"What the hell are you talking about" he responds dumbfounded, now switching to a sweet voice "I didn't use you for.... I mean all I did was meet a girl in a bar, and I got talking to her, and I really liked her right away, and that kept growing the more I talked to her.... you know, I mean really" he sighs " I know jumping into bed was rushing it, or you know, taking everything way too fast, but I just really liked you, and I wanted to be with you as long as I could" he pauses "What I am trying to say is this wasn't just a fuck for me, I thought this was the start of something"

She has been watching silently as he spoke. Now she is struggling to contain a smile.

"Really" she eventually responds
"Really, Sarah, yes I know your name, of course, Sarah who is studying graphic design, who works part time in a cafe, and has three siblings, two older brothers and a younger sister, yes Sarah, I really like you, I want to see where this could go"
"Really" she says again, softly, sweetly
"Yes, I am not one of those guys, I don't sleep with a girl unless I really feel a connection with her"
"You feel a connection with me?"
"Of course"

She is no longer trying to suppress her smile, it is now beaming and beautiful.

The man suddenly realizes he is still naked and subconsciously pulls the covers back on top of himself.

"Do you want to come back into bed, just to you know, cuddle” he says softly with a sheepish hopeful smile
“Oh” she replies nervously, and she climbs into bed and then into his awaiting arms

They cuddle tightly in silence, for long sweet moments, as their legs begin to intertwine

Eventually he dares to give her a kiss on her forehead. She smiles. Now she kisses her cheek which rises on his lips as her widening smile lifts her cheek bones. She moves her mouth to his and they begin to kiss softly and then passionately.

Now his hand moves down and cups her shirt covered breast, which sees him immediately put his hand under her shirt to fondle her breasts some more. In seemingly no time he moves his hand under her skirt and finding her pantyless he abruptly lifts up her skirt above her waste, climbs on top of her and inserts himself inside. She moans softly and he grunts as he begins to fuck her immediately hard.

He thrusts as hard and as deeply as he can, watching down to his cock as it slides in and out of her, rather than watching her face or kissing her, and after merely two minutes he grunts loudly as he comes inside of her.

He rolls off her body, and while breathing heavily he give her pussy a little slap with his hand, and while doing this he says in a fast monotone, 'now I have used you for a fuck, now get the hell out of my house you stupid whore'

Oh no, not another short cut

Ahhh, a 15 hour flight and for some reason I am thinking about short cuts.

I hate short cuts, but sometimes you have to do something you hate just to you know, remind yourself of why you hate it, you know. But still Short cutting, you are literally cutting short, WHAT THE HELL DID SHORT EVER DO TO YOU, YOU BASTARDS. Sorry. WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MIDGET HATER? Sorry, sorry.

Anyway, so here goes, I am going to take a short cut on a story, thats right, this story.

Here we go.

It turned out the roommate ate the sandwich.

Oh great. Just great. I take a short cut and immediately I hit a spoiler. DAMMIT.

That was clearly going to be an awesome story. A totally enjoyable fun riddled ride. I can tell merely from the spoiler. Shit, this would have been a really enjoyable AND entertaining blog!!!

Had I not taken that freakin short cut we all could have had a great time. FUCK.

There was going to be at least TWO characters, and we know they were going to live together, cause they were roommates. And stories with at least two characters ROCK. PLUS at least two of them are roommates, like I pointed out, oh my god roommates are always lots of fun, right?

And we missed out finding out if they were like a crazy messy one and an uptight clean one which is like a history proven guide to guenteed funny. Or perhaps it was going to be a flirtatious 'will they or wont they tale', which is enthralling until they do it and it ruins it all, but did I mention enthawlising on the way? It could have been all sorts of twisted and delightful things and we MISSED it. FUCK I LOVE finding out stuff about fictional roommates. Plus, plus, where was this room, ya know? Where? And we missed all that. Stupid short cut. AAAGHHH

Oh and great, I just realized, this story was going to have a Sandwich! Oh my god a Sandwich! And it's been eaten before I even found out what was in the sandwich. That changes SO much. Because if it was say a peanut butter sandwich I personally would have cared WAY more than if it was like some lame turkey sandwich, cause you know, I personally like peanut butter better than turkey, because peanut butter is delicious, to people like me, by which I mean people who enjoy peanut butter. And now the story is ruined, and I don't even know if I should care or not about the sandwich? Damn short cut. ROOOOaaarrr.

Oh crap. So now it hits me, the line is 'it turns out the roommate ate' ect, you know the sandwich bit. 'Turns out'. That phrase is laden, positively ladled with mystery. Oh no, not 'he ate the sandwich', but 'IT TURNS OUT'. Fuck me in the bullet wound, there was going to be suspense and accusations, evidence, possibly clues, like crumbs or something, maybe questions unanswered until someone like answered them and all that, before an eventual SHOCKING 'turns out' which could be like 'oh my holy mother of god it turns out' or even 'shit, forget it CIA it turns out (sarcastic, is the word I just wrote) the roommate' etc, you know ate the sandwich, but you know, some sort of REVEAL, of the sandwich eating. BLLLAAAUUGGGZZZZ

Cocksucking short cut.

So we'll never know, we'll we? The moment is destroyed like some planet we only JUST discovered because someone had to take a short cut.

I feel ashamed people. It was my experiment. My impatience. My fault. I ruined it. I ruined yet another fabulous sandwich mystery. And there can be no turning back. Oh no, once the sandwich is eaten it dont matter if its puked back up, it aint comin back no god damn sadwich. By which I mean it would be like puke made up of sanwhich bits, and there sure in hell aint no fun mystery in regurgetated sandwich tales. The time has passed, and I take the blame.

But as god as my witness (and maybe like the TV in front of me, seeing as I know for SURE that exists) I shall never take a short cut........ again.

Next blog - chance encounters part 1. DAMN IT, FUCKING SPOILER again, grrrrrRRRR!

Oh also check out these blogs o' mine at myspace.com/afleetingforever

Get your Dave on, and Home for xmas, damn it

The time has come again, when my US visa has expired and I must leave this great land and return to that other great land, Australia. (In Australia we thought the A-team was a show about a gang of traveling rapists who'd give abortions in their van when things went bad?) This return has coincidentally coincided with xmas, and this is not my favorite coincidence of all time.

I have never liked christmas, for reasons I need hundreds of hours on a therapists couch to fully understand and unburden myself of, but the short story is my household was not a happy household, and the worst time in an unhappy house is xmas, where we pretty much all just despised each other in the way a bird despises the cat that is currently tearing it to shreds. It was fucking miserable, to put it mildly.

It later years, when I had one of those real jobs, where you have to like go there and spend way too much time doing stuff that sucks, I hate those things, but when I had one days off were like freakin magic mystery fun hippy loving wonder days. Wasting one of them on xmas was painful.

In more recent years I have acquired three nephews, and watching xmas through their eyes kind of makes it nice in some ways.

So with that in mind here is a lovely little cynical character monologue I improvised in a show recently and decided to type up, enjoy.

(Bursting into the room)

Honey, what is this? It’s a Christmas ornament isn’t it? You know how I feel about Christmas; you’re going to ruin our son.

You really want him believing in this monstrous holiday, you want him thinking that some magical man will just bring him stuff so he never has to work for it. You want him to think a chimney is a viable alternative to a door and break and enter is fun. That’s the kind of son you want?

You want him to think some overlord is watching everything he does to see if he has been bad or good. You want him to think that all poor people must be bad people because Santa doesn’t bring them stuff, and all rich people are good because Santa brings them plenty, is you’d be proud to raise a kid like that?

You want him to only want to eat cookies and milk, you want to aspire to be fat and only work one day a year, you want him to think that the North Pole is a realistic place to live? You’d be happy to say this loser is my boy?

You should have told me this before I impregnated you, that you planned to ruin him. You know who kids turn to looking for that magic once they find out Santa isn’t real don’t you? Drug dealers and science fiction films! You have already made our son a drug addict sci-fi nerd and he’s only 3, thanks a lot.

(Bows, uproarious clapping and cheering, people wondering 'what fucked that bloke up')

The end.

There will be lots of xmas joy spread all around you this year as always, there will be people demanding you to 'get in the xmas spirit you miserable fuck'. Not on this blog my friends! I want to hear some good ol' fashion hate. What do you hate about xmas people? I know you ALL have at least one thing.

Oh speaking of such, I hate plugging myself, so this year for an awesome xmas gift, how about giving a book? Specificallly 'Losing my virginity 52 times' by this fella writin' this, David Tieck. There are a few still available on Amazon.com (also on there some bastards in New York who got FREE copies from agents I sent them to and are selling them for $45!!! Scum. You're better off going here www.dymocks.com and typing in David Tieck, or http://www.dymocks.com.au/ProductDetails/ProductDetail.aspx?R=9780980468502 is the direct link I believe. Buy it today and have it nice and early for xmas. In all seriousness its really good, I've sold less than a thousand but over a hundred of those people have taken the time to email me to tell me how much they loved it, many of them considered it life changing (and more importantly funny).

What do you hate most about the advertising world? Pop ups and spam are my most hated, but I hate it all. I am personally a much bigger fan of paying for the shows and not having ads, than getting shows for free with the cost being putting up with the ads, how about you?

If you could do anything physically harmful to any particular marketer with a guarentee of no feelings of guilt or legal troubles, what would you do? Feel free to be graphic here :)

So goodbye for a while America, and hello once again my Aussie Friends, you have over a month to get your Dave on, and I want to party hard!

Little known facts about Australia plus whats the best moments of your life?

Being an Australia in America people often ask me what Australia is really like, and usually I tell them its pretty much the same as over here, but there are some weird things, so I fell I may as well share them, so blow are some

Little know facts about Australia

In Australia

Hippy loving tennis ball collecting fans of the old school circus arts are thought to be the least likely people to drink Diet Mountain Dew Beating a dead horse is considered kinda fun and way less cruel than beating a live horse, although eating a can of dog food is just sad Men don’t call their wives their better half they just refer to themselves as her inferior half It’s not considered wrong or cruel to use a cat as a cereal bowl, it’s all about spending quality bonding time After years of putting up with 'did you hear' and 'did you see' Australians got fed up and declared touch the number one sense. ‘Did you touch the news?’ we may be heard saying You’re not considered a man until you have drunk so much milk in one sitting your urine turns white, fortunately it’s never caused any guys to go weird or anything. If you glue your penis to a tree you some people may think you have weird sexual fantasies If a dog eats a human poo they get told off yet if a human eats a dog poo they get sent to the loony bin, yet that seems unfair to us Regularly cracking joints is not considered enough justification for medical crack cocaine As well as being a social lubricant drinking beer is also thought to be desirable alternative to catching monkey fever Oh also, I am thinking of exploring what people consider to be the happiest moments of people's lives and seeing if I can recreate some of those moments for myself, so what are some of the happiest moments of your life? Who feels like sharing, especially those stories where happiness came from unlikely sources? Oh on another note, what do you fear

Little known facts about Australia plus whats the best moments of your life?

Being an Australia in America people often ask me what Australia is really like, and usually I tell them its pretty much the same as over here, but there are some weird things, so I fell I may as well share them, so blow are some Little know facts about Australia In Australia Hippy loving tennis ball collecting fans of the old school circus arts are thought to be the least likely people to drink Diet Mountain Dew Beating a dead horse is considered kinda fun and way less cruel than beating a live horse, although eating a can of dog food is just sad Men don’t call their wives their better half they just refer to themselves as her inferior half It’s not considered wrong or cruel to use a cat as a cereal bowl, it’s all about spending quality bonding time After years of putting up with 'did you hear' and 'did you see' Australians got fed up and declared touch the number one sense. ‘Did you touch the news?’ we may be heard saying You’re not considered a man until you have drunk so much milk in one sitting your urine turns white, fortunately it’s never caused any guys to go weird or anything. If you glue your penis to a tree you some people may think you have weird sexual fantasies If a dog eats a human poo they get told off yet if a human eats a dog poo they get sent to the loony bin, yet that seems unfair to us Regularly cracking joints is not considered enough justification for medical crack cocaine As well as being a social lubricant drinking beer is also thought to be desirable alternative to catching monkey fever Oh also, I am thinking of exploring what people consider to be the happiest moments of people's lives and seeing if I can recreate some of those moments for myself, so what are some of the happiest moments of your life? Who feels like sharing, especially those stories where happiness came from unlikely sources? Oh on another note, what do you fear? Currently reading: Losing My Virginity 52 Times By David Tieck

You better believe those are some kick ass credentials

I thought I was a City Boy. I had all the city credentials, I lived in a city for example, I enjoyed being in a city would be another example which would suggest I had city credentials. But really you don't know how much you are a City Boy until you meet a City Girl and you find out that it reality you have shitty city credentials.

The City Girl was really city. She lived in a city, which was one of my credentials that she shared, but she had other city credentials too, like she enjoyed being in the city, oh wait I had that one too, but she had even further city credentials, like she smelled like the city, when she sweated she literally sweated city grime. And she cared enough to add her grime right back into the city, in a city supports me so I will support my city ring of help which was both beauiful and a credible City Girl credential.

Plus she looked like a city, by which I mean she was a cluster fuck of awesomeness, by which I mean she was bad at doing her hair and putting on make up but didn't care, just like a city doesn't care how the fuck its hair and make up look. And when you share something like that with a city then your City Girl credentials tear up the City Girl charts.

Her city credentials didn't end there, fear not, no she even had a name like a city, her name was Constantine, which if a city was named, for example, Constantine City that would be an awesome name for a city, and therefore an awesome city, which is why I considered her name to be a city like name and therefore a reason she could use as a City Girl credential.

That city would also have awesome sporting teams like the Constantine City Carhorns, who would win games by being rude and obnoxious, or the Constantine City Cougars who would be the laughing stock of the league after their fierce cat name has been turned into a name used for desperate horny middle aged women who want to get in three more fucks before her vagina stops producing lubrication. Plus even the word fierce has been taken by cunts like Tyra Banks and Perez Hilton for gay-ass fashion shit, and so no one would want to play for the Constantine City Cougers, which would mean they would end up with all the players black listed from other teams for beating up their wives, and urinating on little girls thinking they were toilets, so oh yeah, you better believe the Constantine City Cougars would play the game hard and with bone to pick, and I mean a literal bone, these guys would eat ribs for sure. Also the Constantine City Caregivers, who it would turn out would be more of a charitable group that helps runaways than a sporting team per se, but some of those runaways would be running away from their fathers on the Constatine City Cougars, so you can probably see in this example how it all comes around. So yeah, you better believe being named Constantine gives you badass City Girl credentials. And they were credentials this constanitine City Girl had in spade loads of city credential awesomeness.

But did her credentials end there? Of course the fuck not they fucking did not, and fuck you if you even thought her city credentials may ceace to conglomerate out of her City Girl pores. She even lived in a city. Fuck, I've covered that one. She also once showed me her vagina and it had steam coming out of it like a big city manhole. Manholes in small towns don't have steam god fucking damn it for fucking sure they don't, so hell yeah you better believe that if a girls vagina has steam coming out of it like a big city man hole then this chick has big ass city City Girl credentials.

Is that the end of the credentials. Yes it is. Oh wait no its not, she even once fucked the mayor of the city, and when you work in city hall that means you've been in city hall, and when you fuck Constantine that means you've been in Constantine which means that in this little free flying fucking kick ass factoid Constantine and City Hall have become one and the same, as in the mayor has been in both of them, and when you share an in with City Hall, you better fucking have faith in the reality that you have kick cunt City Girl credentials.

Lets take a moment to weigh up these facts
My City Boy Credentials - I lived in the city, I enjoyed being in a city

Her City Girl Credentials - She lived in a city, she enjoyed being in a city, she oozed grime like a city, she did her hair like a city, she was named like a fucking awesome city which would have awesome city sport teams, her vagina streamed steam like a city, and SHE WAS CITY HALL, and she even lived in a city.

It was clear, she was a City Girl but I was no City Boy. There was only one thing for it, I would have to leave the city as my City Boy credentials were far too shitty for me to be pure City Boy, and as shitty as it was to leave the city, I knew I would return one day, and taste that City Girl steam for myself.

The ten most influential internet moments (apparently)

The webby Awards just listed what they believe to be the ten most influential internet moments of the decade. - Craigslist online classified site expands outside San Francisco (2000) Still not sure this has really had any major influence, its a good place to run fake casting calls so rapists can get actresses to come to their houses - the launch of Google AdWords (2000) Not sure what this is - the launch of online encyclopedia Wikipedia (2001) Ok I have a bone to pick with the wikipedia. So anyone can add anything to Wikipedia, which meant the birth of three different type of people, people who love to change stuff around for laughs, people who need to tell everyone that you cant trust what you read on wikipedia, and people who feel the need to fix the mistakes and lies on wikipedia. Ok, so when I released my book 'Losing my virginity 52 Times' in a desperate attempt to get sales I added myself to a few places including people born on 'January 18'. I know, I'm more likely to get sales by getting caught having sex with a tree, but you do what you can. Anyway, what I am getting at is that one of these 'fixers' of Wikipedia came and erased me! Motherfucker. I published a book, I was featured on over 60 radio stations in Australia, including all of the big shows, I was on national TV and in all the big papers (also things that don't sell books apparently) surely that warrents me being a person of note. By the way I am literatly writing this while seeing Spencer Pratt and Heidi whatsit on Conan, the world really sucks sometimes, so anyway just in case you want to know who IS considered worthy by the fixer who rubbed me out, here is the list of notable people born on January 18 in the years either side my birth he/she deemed worthy of saving. 1969 – Jim O'Rourke, American musician and producer (Loose Fur and Wilco) 1970 – DJ Quik, American rapper 1970 – Peter van Petegem, Belgian cyclist 1971 – Jonathan Davis, American singer (KoЯn) 1971 – Christian Fittipaldi, Brazilian race car driver 1971 – Fabian Ribauw, Nauruan politician 1971 – Josep Guardiola, Spanish footballer 1971 – Seamus O'Regan, Canadian broadcast journalist 1972 – Mike Lieberthal, American baseball player 1973 – Anthony Koutoufides, Australian rules footballer and Gladiator 1973 – Ben Jealous, African-American leader, president of the NAACP 1973 – Crispian Mills, British musician (The Jeevas and Kula Shaker) 1974 – Michael Tunn, Australian television and radio 1974 – Christian Burns, English musician (BBMak) 1974 – Devon Odessa, American actress 1974 – Maulik Pancholy, American actor 1974 – Princess Claire of Belgium 1976 – Laurence Courtois, Belgian tennis player 1976 – Damien Leith, Irish-born Australian singer, winner of Australian Idol 2006 1976 – Subhrajit Mitra, Film Maker, India 1977 – Curtis Cregan, American actor 1977 – Alina Jidkova, Russian tennis player 1977 – Richard Archer, British singer (lead singer of Hard-Fi) 1978 – Brian Falkenborg, American baseball player 1978 – Bogdan Lobont, Romanian football player 1978 – Thor Hushovd, Norwegian cyclist 1979 – Jay Chou, Taiwanese singer, producer, actor and director 1979 – Ruslan Fedotenko, Ukrainian ice hockey player 1979 – Paulo Ferreira, Portuguese footballer 1979 – Brian Gionta, American ice hockey player 1979 – Kenyatta Jones, American football player 1980 – Robert Green, English footballer 1980 – Julius Peppers, American football player 1980 – Jason Segel, American actor 1980 – Estelle Swaray, English singer 1981 – Kang Dong-won, South Korean model and actor 1981 – Olivier Rochus, Belgian tennis player 1981 – Khari Stephenson, Jamaican footballer 1982 – Joanna Newsom, American harpist 1982 – Quinn Allman, American Guitarist, The Used 1983 – Samantha Mumba, Irish singer and actress 1984 – Seung-Hui Cho, shooter at Virginia Tech (d. 2007) 1984 – Kristy Lee Cook, American Idol 7 cast member 1984 – Ioannis Drymonakos, Greek swimmer 1984 – Michael Kearney, American child prodigy 1984 – Maarja Kivi, Estonian singer 1984 – Benji Schwimmer, American dancer 1985 – Dale Begg-Smith, Australian freestyle skier 1985 – Riccardo Montolivo, Italian soccer player 1985 – Minissha Lamba, Indian Actress and Model 1986 – Grigoris Makos, Greek footballer 1987 – Johan Djourou, Swiss football player 1988 – Ronald Guglielmone Jr., American singer-songwriter 1988 – Anastasios Kissas, Greek footballer Its just a whos who of accomplishment. Of course my favourite is 1984 – Seung-Hui Cho, shooter at Virginia Tech (d. 2007) How to be a person of note - take note phsycos. - the shutdown of file-sharing site Napster (2001) Music downloading, hmm another pet peeve of mine. I have never downloaded a song online and hope I never will. I like to own a physical version of my purchase. I never want just one song from an artist either, I like to think of an album like a movie or a book, its a complete work where songs are merely chapters or scenes, beautiful on their own but even better when seen or heard as the artist intended. Ok so here is where my peeve comes in. People now listen to music more than ever before, far far far more than ever before. Most music lovers walk around carrying hundreds of albums and thousands of songs in their pockets, and they listen to them everywhere, no matter how rude and selfish they are being, music matters more than anything. And in this day and age of music rules all musicians can do is complain about their songs being downloaded rather than selling CD's. So what do you get when you buy a CD rather than download one, you get the packageing and the booklet. And what do 99% of artists do with this information, they offer absolutely fuck all. One page of thankyous if anything. I want information, what does this album mean to you, how was it created, give me lyrics, photos, art. Be a fucking artist. I still plan on recording a few albums of my own when I have the time and money to do it properly (and magically develop some talent) and I want to release my songs in a book store, with a coffee book of art that compliments the music, maybe a dvd making of, stuff that if I ever get fans the fans will want. Well what I really mean is if the bands I like, and there are many, did this, I would gobble it up, and I can't imagine there arent many more like me. At the very least its worth trying something new instead of complaining. - Google's initial public offering (2004) Eh, a couple of kids became billionares, lets hope they continue to use it to be innovative - the online video revolution led by YouTube (2006) I still don't quite get this one. I have flirted with trying to find an audience on you tube, but I don't understand why people watch most of what they watch on here. Its good for some things, I guess. - Facebook opens to non-college students and Twitter launches (2006) I still dont get facebook. They took myspace, removed whats good about it, added some shit and everyone loved it. - Apple's iPhone debuts (2007) Eh, my iphone doesnt work in America because its locked by region, so its just a $500 clock. Thanks apple. - the use of the internet in the US presidential campaign (2008) Ah, the net for politics, allowing extremists from both sides to spread terrible propaganda and giving them a noticeable voice allowing less and less time for dealing with the real issues - the use of Twitter during the Iranian election protests (2009) Eh, what did it matter, the nut job still got the job. Lets protest something that may have some success, like protesting against anyone who likes Lady Gaga ever being allowed a job which has any influence on the world. The porn revolution doesn't make the list? I didn't find out the vagina hole wasn't lost somewhere in the pubes until I was in my early teens. I didn't see even a picture of the actual vagina until I was maybe 16. Kids probably only ten years younger than me had hardcore porn available to them from the day they were first sexually curious. This is going to without doubt affect the sexual behavior of generations of kids. And frankly I am glad I look young so I can hopefully enjoy the twisted sexual minds of our youth. In honor of Conan O'Brien new feud with Kirstie Alley here is my Kirstie Alley joke I had in my talk show writing package. .................... Officials say the recent developments in the war in ....Afghanistan.... have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda .... .. .. Meanwhile Kirstie Alley’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig WHen the show Laguna Beach first hit the airwaves I was quite positive there would not be a single human who would purposely watch one minute of it. Instead it was a huge success with many spin off, whats wrong with you people? If it was not for one friend I have who likes those shows and may read this (for shame Greenie) I would publically advocate for celebrating anyone who murders a fan of the Hills. Instead here are some things I would rather do than watch the Hills. Deep fry my testicals. Eat a donkey eye ball Getting raped my Shaquille O'Neal Getting eaten by a shark And here is why for me these would be better I don't want kids, saves me getting a vacescomy High in protein A guy that big, lets just say I am curious to know whats down there Because it would save the lives of the fish he would eat instead, think of the fishes people, the fishes matter

I can taste the bitterness

I feel what you're saying. Oh brother, oh yeah I feel it. I taste it. Like a bad slice of cheese inserted between the two most perfectly crafted slices of bread.

God bless you.

Not that I believe in god or that blessing a creature could change anything at all, but you sneezed, so fuck it, i'll give in to convention for a change.

Oh shut the fuck up. Seriously?

No I mean it, seriously?

I was just trying to be nice, honestly, I didn't mean anything. I didn't mean to be an un-happening misinterpreting has never been. Get off your fucking pedestal. No I am not living in the past, because I have no time machine, I am merely expressing an opinion on your opinion.

Ok, so I am the epitome of the problem I hate. While hovering over fruit trays i cant help but wonder why shoe boxes are still called as such even while being used as fly corpse graves?

And if that is not explanation enough then I feel sorry for you, oh Margery, yes I do, because your name is not modern at all, like if you were to go down to the art gallery of modern art gallery worthy art pieces and someone said 'hey man, this piece is from margery' their friend would probably say 'margery? doesnt sound modern to me?' and then their friend would probably say 'how can you possibly judge someone's moderness by a name given to them by an unaware parent, now who is being a judgmental objection your honour'.

Ok then fine.

I will let the tent fill with bugs. If it frees the outside world, who could possibly complain?

Out of cracks in the pavement

Especially here in LA, when I tell people I have never once tried even an unlunged puff of marijuana, they mostly think that I am blatantly lying. Hey I look like ME! How can that guy possibly not suck on the wacky.

Truth is I've never even been tempted.

Then just this morning it hit me. The reason people smoke the wacky is to be more like me weed free. My normal state is extremely laid back, constantly wanting to eat, and with weird twisted fucked up thoughts running around in my brain like my most recent twitter:

'Do you ever blow your load into a fish tank just to both ignore the spit or swallow debate and simultaneously murder some gay ass fish?'

Or this thought I am having as I type this that the letter t is such a narcissist it needed to be in the word letter twice and wanted Jesus crucified nailed to it, t is even in the word team, damn you t.

Why do I think things like that?

Anyway do you smoke weed to be more like me?

Do you ever call the cops and say 'I just heard a gardener say he pulled out lots of weeds from Brad Pitts garden, are you going to arrest Brad for drugs AND the gardener for stealing?

Do you ever rent out a self storage space just so you can say to people 'I don't own a 1960's era pasta strainer, but if I ever get one I might just put it in my self storage space'?

Want to see me NOT being me?????

Second City Theater (6560 Hollywood Blvd. Hollywood, CA 90028) presents: FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!

Sunday Nov. 22nd 6pm, free admission!

FIVE ACTORS... FOUR ORIGINAL CHARACTERS EACH! ....
Jacqueline Beaulieu, Matt Clisbee, Julia Stoddard, David Tieck, and Ed Zareh

Where is the theatre???
The theatre is located on the south side of Hollywood Blvd at Whitley Ave, go through the gated stairway between the shops and we are in the theatre on the second floor down the hall!


Bring your friends!

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 34

CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

“What you want and what you need, are rarely the same thing”

It was as clear as the nose on my face, which is actually a damn stupid saying. Clear as the nose on my face, your nose isn’t bloody clear. At best you can see a blurry double vision of it as you cross your eyes and look down so hard that it physically hurts, and that’s only if you have a big nose. So anyway it was clear, as I don’t know, as clear as a video camera on auto-focus, that’s not bad, it was clear that I had managed not to see the forest for the trees.

Now what the hell is the deal with that one? The trees are part of the forest. If you can see the trees you can see the forest. Sometimes, depending on where you’re standing you can only see several trees of a forest; that does not mean that you have in fact missed the forest.

And another thing, why do people say they slept like a baby? Babies don’t sleep well, they are horrible sleepers, it’s the thing they are most known for. When someone has a baby no one says to them, oh geeze you’re going to get a lot of sleep, because your little fella will sleep like a baby. No they say, “You’re going to have some restless nights coming up, you tool”. The one thing every parent has in common is that at some stage they complain to every person they know that they are up half the night every night with a baby screaming because it wants its arse wiped.

That one is about humans, but as usual the cruel ones are reserved for the animals. “Sick as a dog”! Why do people say they are sick as a dog? I have never owned a dog, but I have seen many and dogs don’t seem to me to be sick very often at all. They seem to be either running around like mad men, or doing poo’s all over the place, usually in a spot where someone is planning on stepping very soon, often me, or they’re barking at you and threatening to bite you, while some asshole bully is standing near you laughing his head off yelling “sick him!”

Cats get it the worse though. Why are people ‘Scardy Cats’. Cats are not scared, cats are some of the most powerful and vicious animals in the world. Have you seen a tiger roar at you with its teeth on display? Do they look scared? The lion did not get to be king of the jungle by being a scared cat; he got there by hunting down and devouring more antelope than any other animal out there. And why are people ‘copy cats’, what the hell do cats copy? They seem pretty damn independent to me. Why don’t we say clean as a cat? Cats spend more time cleaning themselves than any creature on life, just not cruel enough to be a cliché though is it?

Sorry I have gotten off the point a bit. It just makes me mad all of these stupid sayings. I mean I’m not some tree hugging animal fucker or anything. It’s just that when you’re like me, and have spent much of your life barely saying a thing, over time you realize how stupid most of what people say actually is. Which makes it doubly hard to start becoming a talker, because it’s hard to start talking by saying something which you know to people like you sounds completely moronic. So Anyway, I was telling you about Hannah.

Hannah and I spent the whole day together that day. After we eventually got out of bed, Hannah took to me to a café where we had a mountain of pancakes each, covered in ice cream and maple syrup, so that when we were done we felt like we wouldn’t eat for a week.

Then we went to the movies, where we loaded up on candy, chocolates and ice-cream, and saw a cute kids film about a nerdy kid from an American high school, who was nerdy enough to travel all the way to New York from his small town hundreds of miles away, just because the president was giving a big public speech in Central Park. Anyway, completely by accident, he bumps into a guy, who falls over and spills a rifle from his overcoat, and it comes out that he had saved the President from an assassination attempt. Suddenly he is a national hero and celebrity, and doing TV interviews and meeting celebrities. When he gets back to his small town suddenly all the cool kids, who had treated him like shit all his life, want to be his friend, and all the pretty girls want to go on dates with him. He becomes one of the coolest kids in school, only thing is, he starts to neglect his one close friend from before, Katie. Eventually she tells him he has sold out, and that he is everything he used to hate, and that he had lost a chance to be with her, and that she had secretly loved him since they were ten, but had now gotten over it. In the end he realizes she is right, and rejects his new found popularity, and goes back to her, and wins her love back for a happy ending. I think it was called ‘The Story of an American Hero’, you should check it out sometime.

I thought it was quite an adept movie choice by us that day, considering how I was feeling. After the movie we went bowling, which I hadn’t done in years. After starting with six straight gutter balls, I found my rhythm, and by the second game I was hitting regular strikes and spares. Hannah was unbelievably terrible at bowling, but her incredible enthusiasm every time she got anything, even one pin, was just so endearing. I thought it was a good lesson to watch, that it’s not always about how many you get, it’s about doing your best, and enjoying any success you can, as much as you can. Hannah always teaches me valuable lessons about life, and she does it without saying a word, just by living life with so much energy, enthusiasm and enjoyment. The three E’s to ecstasy.

After bowling we went into the adjacent video arcade, where we found all these games we had played when we were little. We found a machine with ‘Double Dragon’ on it, which we had both played a lot in our tweens, and kept putting in coins until we had completed it. It was really fun.

With the day coming to an end, we went back to Hannah’s place. And we spent the night cooking some pasta together for dinner, and watching some TV, and doing a jigsaw puzzle together, this one made a picture of a farm house surrounded by wild flowers of every color imaginable. It was surprisingly enjoyable; I hadn’t done a jigsaw puzzle since I was about eight. That time as soon as I was nearly done, my brothers took real joy in pulling it all apart so I couldn’t see the complete picture after all my hard work.

As the night wore on Hannah asked if I wanted to stay the night, which was something I could not refuse. As we lay in bed next to each other, again cuddling together, it occurred to me that Hannah had not raised the topic of Ellie, or how I was feeling once all day. Which was actually exactly what I wanted and needed. In fact everything that day was exactly what I needed, a bit of fun like I used to have when I was young, and the issues of love and sex and relationships hadn’t even entered my mind. Not that they didn’t enter my mind all day this day. Only when I thought about them, I wasn’t thinking about Ellie, I was thinking about Hannah.

I lay awake most of that night. Just lying there feeling Hannah’s warm body against mine, and feeling her body move as she breathed. I spent the whole night thinking about Hannah. About the first day we met, how she had approached me, and asked me to be her partner. About the first time she came to my house, and straight away sat so close to me that I could feel her breath on my skin as she talked, and how she had made jokes about wanting to sleep with me. I thought about our day taking photos, how amazing she was, how gorgeous she was, how erotic she was, and how comfortable she was in letting me see all of her. I thought about weeks after it was done, and her coming to my house and telling me she wanted me in her life, and that I didn’t even have a choice. I thought about her many attempts to improve my life, like introducing me to her friends, and ‘Metrosexualising’ me, and always encouraging me to do new things, and experience more out of life. I thought about how on all the times I had stumbled on my journey, she had always been there for me, doing what ever she could to make things better, things like the past two days, spending something like forty hours with me in a row, every minute of the day, the whole time being as sweet as a bag of sugar, and then letting me spend two nights in a row sleeping with her as close to me as I wanted. Had Hannah been trying to tell me something all this time?

I thought about myself. About how shy I was when we met, and how uncomfortable I was when we met. How back then I used to hide away from the world, only coming out of my hiding place for necessities, money and food, and how Hannah had changed me from that so much, all for the better. I thought about how I felt about Hannah from the moment I saw her. I was in awe, I was dumfounded, I was turned on beyond any word like ‘Horny’ could explain. I was drawn to her, but I was intimidated so much by her. I thought of myself so low, I thought of her so high, I didn’t think our paths physically could meet, but they did, and amazingly when they did, she was so much more special than I could possibly have dreamed or fantasized. Had I been ignoring my own feeling all this time? Had I let my lack of self confidence get so bad, that I even denied my own feelings just because I couldn’t yet fathom them being returned? Had I ever met anyone as special to me as Hannah was? Had I ever met anyone who had gone so far out of her way to show me how much she cared about me, me Jason ‘JayJay’ Domey, was it possible that I, of all people, was put on this earth to find Hannah Lillyfeild, and to cherish her, and love her, and dedicate my life to her happiness, and she had been put on this earth to do the same for me, and fate had crossed our pasts and our characters so that we met when we did, and how we did, and with who we were, all so that magic could spread through our lives the way it had, the way it could for ever more?

I had to tell her. I had to take that risk. This was something that could be too good to not be willing to sacrifice everything in my life for. This was a chance at undeniable lasting happiness.

“Hannah I love you” I said completely out of the blue, while we were in her kitchen eating bowls of yummy chocolate flavoured cereal for breakfast. She smiled warmly back at me, as I looked deep into her eyes, and she looked back into mine

“I know you do JayJay….I love you so much too” She remarkably replied, only with a difference in her tone than was in mine

“I know you do…..and I am so happy about that….but I mean I really love you…I mean I am in love with you….I mean I want you to be more than my friend….I mean I want to spend every night sleeping in your arms”

“Oh JayJay…that is the most incredible thing that anyone had ever said to me….and you have to know I love you so much….you have to know that I hope you’re in my life forever…you have to know that feeling you next to me is one of the most comforting things I could ever feel….but….but….um…..but surely, surely by now JayJay….you must of figured out that I am a lesbian”

“You’re a fucking what?” I thought

“You know that if you were a girl….I’d rip your clothes off right now…and satisfy you in a way that I know you have never felt…and then spend the rest of my life doing what ever I could to make you the happiest girl in the whole world…but I can’t…you’re not a girl….you’re a boy….you’re a man….you will have to be satisfied with me trying to make you the happiest man in the world…only thing is there are certain ways I just can’t make you happy…I’m sorry JayJay”

“You’re a lesbian?”

“I never tried to hide it from you….I thought you would just figure it out…everyone else in my life has found out that way”

We talked for a while longer, and then I went home alone. I went home and I thought about the fact Hannah had no problems letting heterosexual males see her naked, I thought about the time she had said her bisexual friend Jenny was great in bed, and “Trust me I know”, I thought about the time she had disappeared into a bedroom with that ‘Lost in Life’ singer Marlin, and had not come out for hours, and was wearing different clothes. Actually I thought about that for quite a while. I thought about her and Jenny for quite a while too. Those weren’t bad thoughts. Hannah, the hottest girl I’ve ever seen, and two other hotties, having a lot of girl on girl sex. That’s a fine thought. That was a good enough thought for me to forget, at least for a little while, about how stupid I had been to think, at least for a little while, that Hannah could have had feelings for me all this time, and how I had missed so many so obvious signs about her sexual persuasion. That was the type of thought that required some rapid hand movements to get the full value out of, that was the kind of thought I could glue to my brain, and peel off on many, many future lonely nights. Still Hannah and I a couple, some things you think of are fucking ludicrous JayJay.

That morning was eight days ago. Since then I have spent pretty much every spare second of my time going over all these thoughts in my head. Going over all of my humiliations, and my deep down depression periods, and then my recent improvements and my recent successes and my recent truly happy moments.

I have spoken to Hannah several times in the past week, we’re still the best of friends, and Hannah has promised me that we will soon go out cruising for chicks together, that sounds like fun. I still think about Ellie every day. I miss her. But I have also realized that even though I did truly love her, and even though under different circumstances I would be with her right now, and I would love being with her right now, she wasn’t the one. I knew it all along. She was my first love; she was my first proper sexual partner. She had changed my life forever. But she has played her part, there will be others, and others will have equally dramatic parts to play in my life. I know there will be ups and downs in the future for me. I know I will humiliate myself many, many more times. However sitting here right now I am one hundred percent confident that the good times will outweigh the bad ones. That’s a remarkable outlook for me to have. I no longer hide away. I have many people to thank for my transformation, but more than anything I have myself to thank, for making the decision to change myself for the better. No matter what happens from now, that will always be the best decision I ever make.

Drunk with Happiness! I wouldn’t say I am off my face with happiness yet. More like tipsy. Like the fifteen year old half way through his first beer, of what will become a life long love affair. Not really sure how he feels, just that he feels good, and feels a part of something, and feels like making friends, and he hasn’t even had his first drunken vomit all over a friend, or his first drunken bar fight where he wakes up under a pool table in a pool of his, and other peoples blood.

Serene! I couldn’t claim to have found life long serenity. But I have found the sun rise. I have found art, and I have found beauty all around me.

Divine! Divinity is a hard one. I don’t think I will ever find religion, at least not in any deeply meaningful way. But I have found a positive outlook. The way you look at things can make such a difference. I used to look out my window and see drug dealers and prostitutes. Now I see mothers, and school children, and friends, and still drug dealers and prostitutes, but they are no longer just more people like me who are human waste, they are who I have risen above, and it’s nice to be above some people.

Filled with Light! I’m far from the star of the show. I am not however some unfortunate understudy hiding in the dark, I am now on the stage, I’m in the play, I’m the biggest star who doesn’t get his name mentioned on the marquee, I have lines, I’m important to many people, and when the show ends, I get to bow right next to the star, and I have real hope and reason to believe that one day I will be in the center of the stage, with the spot light firmly shining on my face.

Energy bursting at the seams! I am not going running with the bulls anytime soon. But I do now wake up every day and spring from bed, I look forward to my day, I have the energy of an animator for a major international production company, who spends his time in the company of rich and powerful men, and beautiful girls, and if that doesn’t give you energy nothing will, well except maybe a case of red bulls, but that can’t be that good for you.

Smiling! More than I ever have before. Not yet as consistent as the sunrise, but not as irregular as say Haley’s comet, so infrequent that if you blink just one time in your life you could miss it. I’m like the full moon, it comes all the time, it comes so often that you know you will always see it again, but to those who are looking for it, it’s still enchanting every time, and for the first time in my life I have people who are looking for it all the time, and with their help, one day, one day soon, I will smile so often that you could set your watch to it, and that is all I need to put a smile on my face right now, and if you’re smiling right now, who is to say there has to ever be a time, ever again, when you will do anything else.

The End