Dear World (those of you still alive that is - lol) (I hope you still have your sense of humor - if not please ignore that 'those of you still alive that is - lol' thing, I was hoping that humor might help heal you know, but I understand that not everyone feels this way, that laughter heals that is, so if you don't feel that way I am sorry. Oh wow, check me out, I am apologizing already and I haven't even started the apology letter yet, sorry for that),
It has been a week now since it all happened and I feel like perhaps its time for me to explain a bit about what happened on my trip to China right before World War Three broke out. (Its funny when they say a war broke out isn't it, because if you were in a war and you just broke a bone you'd probably think that was better than being shot- don't you just love word play?)
First off I want to say that I have always tried to keep up with the news, but due to the demands of being the worlds sexiest man and a huge world wide movie star some things slip past even me. So to be honest I had no idea that ..due to the Chinese one child policy and a cultural preference for sons, millions of daughters were shoved down kitchen waste disposal units and that there were something like 150 million more men in there 20's than girls in ....China..... In hindsight (does that mean your hind legs have sight, cause legs don't have eyes!) it was probably wrong to open my speech on climate control with 'hey where's all the women, is this a gay meeting?' To be honest as I said it I thought I might get accused of being homophobic, so having 150 million young Chinese men immediately furious with me, caught me by surprise. To be honest I don't work well when I depart from my script. Ha, ha, its funny what problems your mouth can cause isn't it? So yeah, sorry. (wait I just realized I was making that up on the spot yet it was still ME who was surprised, like a surprised myself, lol, thats awesome).
I have to admit (I just spell checked this word, and I had it wrong and one of the alternative suggestions was 'armpit' that is lol awesome) I find it hard to imagine being in your twenties and not having women falling all over you. Can you imagine it? Not having women just throwing themselves at you? Not having sex every time you want it? Its like trying to imagine nothingness, its impossible (when I try I always see a green, moldy piece of cheese, its not totally nothing, but I guess its worth nothing, so does that make it nothing?) But let me tell you, my fellow American men might not be able to imagine not having constant awesome sex, but in China they LIVE it (meaning they live no sex not they live sex which would be way cooler). Some of them haven't even had sex once. Wow, it still blows my mind. Anyway it was probably a mistake to introduce Angelina by saying 'Here's my wife, thats right I get to fuck this, whenever I want, and sometimes she brings other girls into the bedroom that we share'. If I had known most of them didn't have sex with beautiful girls everyday I may not have introduced her like that (Maybe I could have said, take my wife, please - lol, cause thats a funny joke and people in the audience might think I mean they can have sex with my wife, till I throw in the lol, so they know its just a joke, that would have been cool). So I guess I should say sorry for that too. I just thought everyone had it like myself and other western men, you all have sex with beautiful girls all the time don't you? Yeah of course, I thought so, but not so in China. Wow.
Sorry to hark on about this, but seriously I just can't get over it, these guys didn't get their winkies licked in the classroom by their hot teachers when they were twelve. When they were teenagers they didn't go to the store to buy tennis balls or something and end up fucking the lady in the tennis store. Can you imagine that, going to a tennis store, where a hot tennis lady is working, and her NOT having sex with you? These Chinamen are in their twenties and never had sex, WOW! So yeah I probably shouldn't have said 'don't you love it when you slide your dick into the most beautiful girl in the world's pussy, while she licks another hot girls pussy, and while seven other naked girls look on'. Like I said, I am not good with improvisation, I just thought they would think it was funny because of the you know, its funny cause its true thing, But apparently its not true for them. Honestly I know us in America live this way, but in China they don't, wow. (Wait does rice make you not want to have sex? Oh no lol, thats right, they have no girls thats the problem, never mind). So yeah, sorry about that bit.
Here's a lesson for you all for the future. It caught me by surprise but it doesn't have to catch you by surprise. When you are next in China giving a speech on how even though they only have just got access to things like cars and some wealth to enjoy things like international travel but that they can't enjoy them at all and should go back to living in slums because of Global Warming caused by people who have been enjoying those things for years, its not a good idea to try and win over their bubbling anger by bragging about the new huge TV on your private jet.
No I am telling you truth, I know you're doubting me, I know you can't believe it, because back in the Western world we know talking about your private jet makes everyone like you more, not over there, it makes them mad for some reason. Must be a culture thing. (Why does culture rhyme with vulture, those things are so different lol, words really crack me up).
Also it turns out its not good to to keep referring to the future for these people as being full of time raising and playing with your many kids. Did you know in China your only allowed to have one kid? I had no idea. When Angie and I got our twentieth baby we said to each other 'maybe just one more' but Chinese people say that when they have no babies. Wow, so different. And you thought the fish that like eat there own babies were weird, they at least have babies. For some reason a Chinaman asked me why if I bought many of my babies why I would buy baby girls, and I said I like baby girls, and he looked at me like that made ME weird. Different vultures I guess. (see what I did there, word play is so much fun lol). I am sorry if I ever bought one of the Chinamens babies that he actually wanted though, I didn't know they were only allowed one. So sorry for that too.
I just realized I suggested when the Chinese people say hey 'want to have one more baby' when they have no babies is like impossible, because you can't have more of nothing. Wow, thats like that one hand clapping thing. Did that come from the middle east where they cut off your hand for stealing, because that means the sound of one hand clapping is actually the sound of a stealer, so we probably shouldn't support that. I'm sorry if I have used that phrase insensitively in the past.
So anyway when we left all these Chinese people were pissed off, and I am not sure if it was because I got them all fired up over Global Warming, or yeah some of the things I accidentally said which I said sorry for above, and again I am just not good at making stuff up on the spot and I should have just read what was written in front of me, so sorry, but if it was the second one, that it was me who got them angry not Global Warming then I am sorry again. I don't know maybe they just all have AIDs (get it, because they are all virgins so they can't get AIDs, that is one of those jokes thats funny because its NOT true lol).
I guess you all know what happened next. Angie and I flew our private jet out towards our Island in the Caribbean, and I don't know, before we got to check the news (our Wi-Fi was down on the island, don't you sometimes feel the world is just all conspiring to fuck with just you, the biggest news story in history and we had no access to the internet, so unfair) anyway China sent about 30,000 nukes at America, and America sent lots back, and some missed and all that and hit like the wrong countries (see its not just me thats sometimes makes mistakes) and before poor Wi-Fi free Angie and me (hey that rhymes, awesome) could find out everyone was nuking everyone and like 5 billion people were dead. (hey I just realized at the top when I made that joke about if you're alive I am sorry, but if you're not alive you're probably not even reading this apology, that is so lol funny).
I still don't get why everyone didn't just escape to their private islands. I mean we were suffering with no Wi-Fi but that doesn't mean all your islands would have been, and its got to be safer than staying in your penthouse in a city they are blowing up. Seriously people, I mean when I war breaks out just go to your island people (when pimples break out too, stay out of the tabloids when the pimples come I am telling you), I guess some people are just dumb.
Ok, so I guess some people are suggesting that just because we were in China telling the Chinese to not pollute so much, and pointing out that in the Western world we have lots of great sex with beautiful women and can have all the kids we want and everyone gets to enjoy private planes and that we got all these horny angry frustrated Chinese twenty something male virgins or riled up who immediately formed a 150 million man mob who broke into the Chinese White House and launched all the Nukes that it is somehow Angie and my fault (hey it rhymes even without the Wi-Fi bit, words man lol). So I guess if there is any truth in that then I am sorry. That's if your still alive (get it, cause most people aren't, thats my humor to make people feel better thing, again if you're not one of those people I am sorry, this one is what they call a callback, wait can you call a call, thats awesome lol).
Anyway I better go, Angie wants to have sex, but I thought I should let you know what REALLY happened, so the media doesn't make a big deal out of nothing like they always do, and hey if your yaughting near our island soon come say hello, we'll play putt putt golf. Oh did I tell you, we just put an awesome putt putt golf in on the island, isn't life awesome sometimes? (thats another of the jokes which are funny because they are NOT true lol, cause you know life is always awesome).
Sexiest man alive