Friday, February 6, 2015

The supreme day of my life scheme – Screaming foxpen relateability

I like to think that if my best friend weren’t a banana then I would spend way less time than I currently do screaming:

‘I already told you; there aren't any monkeys in the apartment. There are NONE. Ok? I fucking looked, I set traps, I asked around, and also THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY FUCKING MONKEYS IN THE APARTMENT! OK? So, please can we just get through one fucking movie without you hitting pause and saying “what was that, is there a monkey in the apartment?” or “holy shit, I heard something, there better not be a monkey in this apartment” or “why is that door open, you’d tell me if there was a monkey in the apartment wouldn’t you?” Can we please, OK? There are no monkeys here, zero. This is a monkey free apartment. I am a hundred percent positive there are no monkeys here. If there were monkeys here I would say “hey, check it out, monkey”, but I haven’t fucking said that have I? Have I even said anything even slightly like that? No, I fucking haven’t! So stop fucking hyperventilating, stop twitching like a duckling in a foxpen, and just watch the movie, Ok? And for the record, there aren’t any monkeys here because you are my friend. And friends don’t invite over other friends who enjoying eating their friends. Or do you somehow think, that after all this time we’ve been friends, that I wasn’t actually your friend, and would fucking fuck you over and invite a fucking monkey to visit? Ok? I’m putting in the fucking movie. And before you even goddamn fucking think of asking, no there are no god damn fucking monkeys in the movie, and even if there were, even if there was MORE THAN one fucking monkey in the fucking movie, like I said when we watched the first thirteen minutes of Hangover 2 before I had to physically wrestle you out of your fucking panic attack MONKEYS CANNOT FUCKING EAT YOU THROUGH THE SCREEN! OK?’

Which, of course, I would be fine with. But then again, if my best friend were a banana I’d probably spend way MORE time than I currently do screaming:

‘So giving me the silent treatment again you passive aggressive cunt’.

Which, of course, I would not be fine with.

Today was the best day of my life, even though it was a little like having a banana as a best friend. I thought someone had done something bad to me, and then it turns out they almost certainly didn’t, and are actually possibly a really good person.

Well ok, it’s not exactly like having a banana as a best friend, it’s more like being a banana and being best friends with a human, but I didn’t want to put it that way, because my best friend, this pair of broken sunglasses with one of the panes of glass missing and the other slightly cracked just screamed at me ‘didn’t I tell you last time that people wouldn’t understand you being a banana who is friends with a human, well it didn’t work fucking out did it? So just tell em’ something perfectly relatable, like you’re friends with a fucking banana, ok?’

Sometimes you have to listen to your friends.