Monday, December 30, 2013

My end of year list of best end of year lists

It's the end of the year and you know what that means? Severe depression about failing to achieve what you hoped to in the past year, by which I mean it's time for every TV Show, Magazine, Newspaper, Website, Radio Show, and Park Soapbox Monologuer to reveal some form of 'best of' 2013 list - and yet, only right here at ‘Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! Fleeting Forever’ - will you find the list of the 'best' best of lists, and as the only person in all media to provide such a unique list, you can be damn sure this is a list so good it deserves it's own ‘best of best of lists list’ where it will take out number one in a power list of only the people cool enough to not do a cliché ‘best of list’, but instead a ‘best of best best of lists’ - i.e. only me- yep - that list would include only one person, me, and therefore be less of a 'list' list - and more of a declaration of a genius monopoly - but I don't do presentations of well deserved 'truly monopolizing genius' awards - so instead enjoy this - my list of the top ten best of 2013 lists:

10. ' Bread and Spread Magazine' and their ‘Top Ten Spreads for 2013 Breads’. Let’s face it, who didn't shed a tear when they saw that Countypool Dreamsted Home Crafted Orange, Lime and Cranberry Sweet Marmalade’ was finally knocked off the top spot by something called 'peanut butter'?

9. 'Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars, Cars and Bobsled Radio Show' – and their ‘Top 6 Other Forms of Transportation We Probably Should Have Put In Our Magazine Title Instead of that Universally Hated 5th 'car' list’. I know it was controversial, but if you ask me 'walking with aid of a walker' - IS a vehicle, and therefore deserving of its 'special mention slot'

8. 'Sarcasm Magazine' – and their list of ‘Lines in Speeches By Politicians Considered at the Time to Obviously be Sarcastic that Turned Out Weren't Actually Sarcastic’, with top spot going to their truly brilliant expose on Senator Bill Crunes 'I've spent dozens of nights working in a soup kitchen' speech – after it turned out he wasn’t being sarcastic, and he'd actually genuinely spent 23 nights working in soup kitchens, sadly one less than would be required before he could accurately use the plural of the moniker ‘dozen’ plural, and yet twenty three more nights than anyone had could possibly have guessed, you know with Crunes being a dickhead and all.

7.'Rolling Stone Magazine’ and their annual top albums of the year - putting Kanye West's Yeezus on the list,  ha ha, just when you think Rolling Stone is becoming irrelevant and they out sarcasm even Sarcasm Magazine.

6. '' for their annual 'Did We Do It, or Was is it a Hack Plastic Surgeon?' - and once again making us all both laugh AND spew with their bonus 'both' pics.

5. 'CNN' - for their ‘Biggest Stories of the Year’ - Once again top spot went to a SAD story. That's a million years in a row. Who'd have guessed? Mind blowing.

4. 'Cream Cheese Battles - the reality show' for naming 'Better than a bagel? Arguable, but not Provable' their number one episode of a pretty epic year, who would have thought upon first viewing that 'Toast for Most' could have been beaten? No one, that's who. let alone the truly marvelous 'Bread is Scared' which was simply marvelous TV . Seriously, fuck me if you've got a brain then get the box set, brilliant stuff.

3. 'Spread and Bread Magazine' and their list of ‘Great Spreads Our Rivals 'Bread and Spread Magazine' Ignored This Year’. People say that it's bad form to highlight the mistakes of a rival - this list showed it can also be hilariously inspirational. Seriously ‘Bread and Spread’ how did you miss ‘Nutella!’

2. 'Home and Garden but Let's Face it Mostly Garden' on Sirius radio - and their list of ‘Things in 2013 Purchased for the Home that Ended up in the Garden’, for being the only end of year list to have the balls to mention 'plants'.

1. ‘’ for their ballsy 'Things in 2013 We Liked Better Than Plants' list, and their more than ballsy, and yet very honest list, with a top three of 3. Abandoned Warehouses 2. Countypool Dreamsted Home Crafted Orange, Lime and Cranberry Sweet Marmalade 1. Let’s face it, basically everything.

-->Special note must go to Chucky - the 2:34pm soap box monologuer at Lexington Park in Bratwerst Mongolia for his monologue on 'The Top Ten Signs You Think Too Much About Various Types of Bread and Possible Things Upon Them you Might Spread' - I'd have given you top spot if I could Chucky, but it's just not a pure ‘list’ if you monologue it - sorry mate. Plus fuck you – I fucking am not 'clearly keen.'

Have a great 2014 people, I'm now gonna go introduce some Nutella to bread, ha ha, be scared bread, be very fucking scared!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Lessons from flying

Sitting in the middle seat between two strangers for my fourteen-hour flight from Los Angeles to 

Sydney in economy last night kind of sucked
I didn’t enjoy it when it was discovered that, after making a guy stand up, and a couple of other people move around, and then getting set up with my stuff under my seat, and books in ready, that it turned out I was in the wrong middle seat…

I wasn’t having fun when it then took me ten minutes, sitting on the floor next to the emergency exit, to find my boarding pass in the plastic bag medley that had become my carry on luggage (my lone flash of class) after I was forced to check mine for weight issues, all while feeling epically watched, and judged, and in the way, and moronic, while trying to find it…. ,

Joy did not wash over me when it then turned out someone else was in my actual middle seat…. and he was wearing noise canceling headphones so he couldn’t hear me asking him to move, and his eyes apparently didn't work… so I stood there for a few moments gesturing like a fool who got on the wrong plane….

Relief was had when I ended up just volunteering to take blind headphone guy’s seat, and the steward agreed I could, and then we took off and the food came, and was surprisingly good, even after my first choice ran out before I could get to it, so I demolished it….

While not having fun discovering that my new seats headphone jack didn’t work, so if I wanted to listen to a movie properly I’d have to switch back to my original seat, and you know put out a stranger in the wrong for my personal benefit, something I am incapable of doing….

Did I mention how classy my plastic bag carry on bag medley was yet?

In other news:

Crying baby right near me- check
Genuine death fearing turbulence - check
Epic long, long wait to for the turbulence to stop so I could eventually piss and ease my kidney ache - check

NyQuil time

Good result, decent amount of sleep, not sure how I fared during this time in my mission statement of: 'Don't make my seat partners pissed off they got me instead of who they should have gotten, that asshole behind me who actually seems really quiet and I don’t think has had to pee once'

I fared badly at this mission when I finally went to the toilet again after holding on for as long a freaking possible and they started breakfast service while I was in action, and started right in my area, which meant I couldn’t get to my seat until food had been put down, and I’d had to yell across my choice, and then had to make the guy who got the aisle seat get up holding his food tray and coffee, and headphones while I stumbled getting into my seat under my tray without spilling shit….

I decided to have a slight break from an insane need to not have strangers upset at me for very little, and instead stopped for a minute to fantasize about catching someone on the plane reading one of books and loving it, and reading sections to their seatmate because they couldn’t help but share it  - and I was in these fantasy clouds of joy when

'You ever r b’ said my aisle seat mate
'What?' I replied
'Be r?'
'Ben rrr a?'
'What? Oh oh oh oh have I been to Australia before? Yeah I’m from there actually, do you need any advice, um I ca….'
'NOOOO, I said DO .... YOU .... HAVE ... A PEN I CAN BORROW?'

Oh fuck I'm such a tool….

But then…. After ten minutes or so…. of feeling like a bad hearing loser… I hear to my right, from my window seatmate:

'Do you have a pen I can borrow?'

Yes, I heard him clearly, the FIRST TIME.

'No worries I replied'

I pulled out my pen, and handed it to him with zero embarrassment necessary - I've truly never felt prouder of myself! Joy!

And so I’m back in Sydney for a little while everyone, and kind of liking it so far. Flying is awesome.

And now a message from my pillow from this flight

‘Holy Christ this Dave guy drools, and I mean DROOLS, he fucking slept face down on me for hours, soaking me half way to the core, and then spinning me over to do the other side, it's not Christian, it’s disgusting, how can anyone possibly drool that much, how can anyone wake up, with a trail of drool from their pillow to their mouth, just wipe it across their face and go back to sleep again without caring about how fucking gross that was, and then sleep in the same way straight away again, KNOWING how much fucking drool was coming out. SICKENING. They should call him Droolie McDrool. I would NEVER want to sit next to that gross motherfucker on a plane'.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving - Reasons to be thankful from the mind of Dave

It's thanksgiving America - yaayy - but if you having nothing to be thankfully for it can be really lonely- but I am here to save you - here are some reasons you may not have thought about to be thankful!!! You're welcome America. 

Every time you eat a sunflower seed you deny a sunflower the chance to live, and the sunflower is the most joyful flower, which is good if you're happy hating scum.

If you're George Clooney there's a better than average chance you've recently had sex with someone I haven't had the pleasure of.

If you're shopping and they say 'if you need to ask the price you cant afford it' what they mean is you don't deserve to be able to afford it.

If you enjoy playing guitar then there is a good chance you are not addicted to raping teddy bears.

Most terrorists can now be swayed to not commit a suicide bombing with a custard filled chocolate krispe kreme.

If you know a girl for more than 2 years before drunkenly asking her to fuck then these days you can know there's a good chance its not true love.

Due to recent technological advancements moldy donuts now taste better than an old ladies unnecessarily used tampon.

If you grind up mosquitoes in a jar they make an excellent alternative to jam on an English muffin.

I you are a drink and in my mouth right now then you're finally on your way to fulfilling your preordained destiny.

These days if you have no kids but try to pick up kids after school anyway their parents rarely thank you for your generosity.

This year Black colored greyhounds finally are secretly delighted by the color confusion.

If you're an alcoholic you can regularly enjoy naps in strangers gardens.

There's now a third number to consider when your going to the toilet. Number 3 - when you diarrhea out your bellybutton.

Happy Thanksgiving America!!!!!!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

My new invention

Sick of not being able to eat salted nuts while using your computer in case you get salt on your keyboard? Um - ready, here's my new invention - Saltless Salted Nuts! #nailedit 

Keyboards and salted nuts can finally live in harmony once more #yourewelcome 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Your last minute Halloween costume advice is here

Great news - It's not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, awesomest, hottest, sexiest costume out there. Not only that I right now are giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull this costume off with such specific perfection that people will be all like 'wow, you nailed it'.

That's right people - this years hottest costume IS.... ME - that's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.

Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

- I wear crazy and colorful mismatched socks, mostly because I am too lazy to bother to find matching ones
- I wear converse shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always
- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
- Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please 
- I like silly t-shirts 
- I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that 
- Have I ever pooped my pants as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying. 
- I hold my beer can in my RIGHT hand, my vodka drinks in the left, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants
- I like terms such as 'mongoose face', 'candle degenerates' and 'cunt' use them haphazardly yet with caution, especially 'candle degenerates' 
- If there is one thing I love it's TV remotes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up 
- I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliche
- I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job
- I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot
- I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically 
- I desperately NEED to go to space one day, you MUST too
- Not enough to like work towards it though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky
- I never, ever repeat myself, ever
- Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me
- I often have snot in hair 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 
- I am very easily embarrassed oh and 
- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

See what I did? Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! Ha ha! 

Oh oh, 
- deservedly embarrassed
- too lazy to care 
- can someone organize that space trip for me please? I really wanna go. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Purely Marvelous

I'm talking about myself of course - and my book about what a big fucking idiot I am.

Here is a review from a stranger on Barnes and Noble - thanks 'anonymous' - you're awesome.

'This is one funny book! Only bad thing is that it is the only one I can find by him. I keep reading parts to everyone who will let me, and some who won't. He almost makes me cry but then next thing I know I'm cracking up. P.S. Bonus points for a great idea about nostril storage'

Buy a copy please - I really need some sales, like really!!

Buy it at Barnes and Noble here

Or amazon here

You could end up a super happy fan like this awesome fan:

With beautiful, humble, personalized dedication like this one:

Don't you want this kind of awesomeness? Yeah you do - I won't as you to buy it again now, because why on worth wouldn't you? But do buy it, I would like a few more sales, like REALLY!

Ps, for the record Anonymous, my other book out is this one:


Yay - I'm awesome 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

And now in honest advertisement

After 25 years of making frozen pizza we've learned a thing or two, mostly that it's not possible to make a frozen pizza that's any good 

So buy one of our frozen pizzas today - disappointment guaranteed 

Friday, September 13, 2013

My take on Syria: a smarty pants one

If vampires have been around for hundreds of years then how come there is no records or even stories of them hanging around World War One?

Hey, vampires, what are you too good to suck the blood of a sixteen year old Austrian boy in a muddy rat infested trench painfully dying from seeping bloody and puss oozing wounds all over his skin and inside his lungs after a mustard gas attack while a fellow soldier tries to steal his socks and a giant rat gnaws out his left eyeball?

Stay tuned next week for my take on fart noises: A hard hitting exposé pants one.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me (this is a blog about an opportunity to vote for me)

Oh yeah, I have minions - hey minion type awesome people - Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me, pleeeeeaaasssseeee!!!! If I win I will give everyone who voted for me $5! (subject to tracking me down where ever the hell they send me, and saying 'hey, I'm (insert name), and I voted for you I swear!!!) 

 Click these words you're reading right now to vote for me - yes these ones

(Amount I'll give you may vary based on currency of country I am in, let's make it $5 US equivalent, or like 7,840,000 Lybian Gaddafis)

 Oh also, enter yourselves, we can support each other, that's how awesome we all are:)

Monday, September 9, 2013

These are really cool

I've been thinking about doing some re-posting of cool things I find that I like to make up for the fact that I don't have time to write blogs as often and yet still want to keep people coming to my blog, and because I'm awesome - Click this link below this text to see some cool photos

Click here on these words you are reading right now to see the photos which I determined to be cool

And here are some photos that I took which are worthy, if not more than worthy than the ones linked above, that I just spent two hours looking up, because I don't have time to write much anymore these days

Sunday, September 8, 2013

And now signs you may be a scientist

1. You do science
2. You like it
3. You drink orange juice out of old acid beakers
 4. Your car has a bumper sticker that says 'I'm a scientist'
5. You see a sewer rat and arrogantly proclaim 'I could grow an ear on that'
6. You've never owned a trans am
7. Your favorite character on breaking bad is the main guy, the sciency one
8. You KNOW how they get the bones out of the boneless chicken wings
9. You light your cigars with a bunsen burner
10. You've had sex wearing nothing but a white lab coat
11. People call you up and say 'I've got a science question for you'
12. You know the answers to their questions
13. You're fond of starting sentences with  'if my calculations are correct'
14. People introduce you with 'this is my friend, he's a scientist'

There you go - if it turns out you are a scientist then congratulations - if not it's ok, you could still be one one day, I recommend starting with number 12. Knowledge is power!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Ok, I'm confused and scared

 I have a t-shirt with vegetables on it desperate for people to eat more meat and save their lives, but now I have a bag of veggie chips with vegetables on it begging to be picked to be chipped! Clearly at least one set of these vegetables are being forced at gun point to say these things, but which?

Friday, August 16, 2013

Late to the joke party

So NBC were holding a special work shop for wanna be talk show writers like myself, so I of course was pumped to be a part of it, only I am a dumb idiot face who thought submitting would be easy, and waited till the last minute and missed it. So basically FUCK NBC (unless they read this and want to call me) I don't want to write for you anyway, I write for me, and MY fans, like the ones who come to this blog - I LOVE YOU GUYS - so here is a sample of what NBC missed out on today :)

Talk show workshop package

Monologue Jokes written for David Tieck

With summer coming to an end fashion experts have been trying to decide what was the look of the summer

Of course for teenage girls is once again 'trying to make my dad kill himself'

Officials say the recent developments in the war in Afghanistan have caused significant setbacks to both the Taliban and Al-queda

Meanwhile Chris Cristie’s last trip to the buffet completely eradicated an entire breed of pig

Kanye West has recently claimed that he is the 'Michael Jordan' of music

And it’s clearly true because the best parts of his albums are always the 'air' between songs!

Katy Perry is now an ambassador for shoe manufacture Adidas
It's all a part of their new advertising slogan 'it doesn't matter how ugly your shoes are if everyone is staring at your chest'
Meanwhile Kira Knightley has was recently overheard saying 'you think my shoes are cute right?'
Last week was national friend week
Where we are reminded that dogs are mans best friend, diamonds are a girl’s best friend, and a dog who swallows a diamond buys a surgical veterinarian a new car

Billionaire Richard Branson is getting set to unveil his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2014

It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2014 Yankee tickets

Book fans have been buzzed recently as it was discovered that best selling novel ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ was actually written by Harry Potter scribe J.K Rowling

Meanwhile I have released my more realistic version of  'The Ugly Duckling' where the mean bully ducklings all end up dying in drunken street drag race crashes

Surgeons in Baltimore recently removed a kidney through its donor’s vagina

Which is great news for Sharon Stone, despite all odds, her vagina may once again be useful

An 18 year old Lebanese woman has proclaimed that she would love to be a film director, but if this doesn’t work out she’d be happy to become a suicide bomber

Although a Hollywood career advisor has warned her; unless she focuses on a single clear career goal she’ll probably just end up in porn 


 Thank You Notes for Jimmy Fallon

Thank You butterflies for being way better than god’s first attempt Margarine Wasps

Thank You the word ‘Boing’ for only getting more and more awesome no matter how many extra Os you add - ‘Boooooooinng’

Thank You self-improvement for being far more achievable than my previous goal of ‘stealth’ improvement

Thank You ‘mid sized sedans’ for being a way cooler term than the original ‘giant sized misshaped small trunked family friendly mini vans’

Thank You adding ‘man’ to the end of sentences, being a way for kids to progressively mature away from ending sentences with ‘dude’

Thank You the television show ‘Nashville’ for being officially the worst spin off show ever, after capturing practically none of the spirit of the parent show ‘Smallville’

Thank You wallpaper for saving paint to huff for those last few fans of Chris Brown

Thank You sharp knives for being way better dinner companions than trampoline buddies

Thank You Super Shuttle for taking me to the airport with drivers with such bad BO that I can barely smell my fellow passengers curry breath

Thank You ‘center of attention’ for being so easy to achieve, just as long as you’re willing to permanently staple an aardvark to your face

They also missed my panicked 'fuck only one minute left' essay on why I want to write for late night - 'I really like it'. Oh man, I need more time to write again, seriously. Here's hoping. 

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The review is in

Just a bit of running feedback on EMM, so far I am 70 odd pages in, throughout I have experienced a number of varying emotions, including: happiness, I have laughed so loud that an entire cafe turned and looked. immense frustration, to the point of wanting to slap you for your decision making. Sadness, I have wanted to give you a hug. Empathy, I have identified with a lot of what you have said.
Most of all I have felt inspired. While I will never truly understand what's going on in your head I feel privileged to be allowed to live vicariously through your book to see the world through your eyes. It makes me look at my own life and to see what's important.
Thank you DT. I am looking forward to reading the remaining 170 pages and feeling even more inspired.

By Andy Day

Thanks Andy! You're a legend :) (Plus you're experiencing exactly the reactions I hoped for!)

Buy the book!!!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Rolling stone and 3 questions

I don't get all the controversy over the Boston bomber being on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, sure he's evil scum but he's still better than their 1st choice - a photo of the broken condom that resulted in his birth! I mean no one wants to see that, plus why did his mother  keep a photo of it? Why why? Why?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!

Friday, June 14, 2013

New flawless insults - finally

I know what you are thinking, saying "fuck you" just doesn't work anymore, it has no pizazz, no bang for its buck, no french sounding posh-ness (Genasaquar? I don't fucking know how to spell that). We need some new insults, and not just knew ones, but FLAWLESS ones, ones that can be thrown out in just about any situation and at any person and be relevant, harsh, AND really stick em where it hurts. Yep, I am talking EMOTIONALLY!!!!

I came up with some:

-  I've owned cutlery draws more charismatic than your opinions on shell fish inspired school systems!
-  Coffee"!!!! I asked for "confederacy" not "coffee", ha ha - "confederacy"!
-  Next thing you know you'll be saying "lets go camping on the moon" - yeah, right, You tool! Wait, CAN we go to the moon?
- If you love Cinderella so much why don't you just marry a punkin and hope lots, etc and then she still probably wouldn't love you because she's at least fifty percent fictional!
-  You know how you can put a silencer on a gun? You're like one of those made for Television remotes!
- Well I still say if I had have invented science then right now I'd probably be WAY older than you!
-  You're such a vacuum that if you played the classic 1970s home edition of the Price is Right you'd probably vacuum it!
-  The "ScienceFact" is that "ScienceFiction" isn't always that awesome, am I right?
-  Alright, I am done for now, I think!
- I've never had a boner while being burnt alive that didn't make me think about you!

See how flawless all those were, AND insulting! If not I will tell you how flawless and insutlting they were - FLAWLESSLY INSULTING! Can't you just see how they hit you where hurts, are useful in ANY situation, and have a french flair, (Jenaso, um, genercokwa, um, JennaSoQuar, I don't fucking know, fucking french!)

But don't feel tapped with these as your only options, feel free to write your own, you can do it, although I bet you're as good at coming up with them as Prairie Dog fur feels at a romantic movie about RELATIONSHIPS!!! ZING!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

And now your average insomniatic thoughts by Dave

- I should write a joke about the phrase 'there is nothing sadder than' where the punchline is listing all the things that are really actually sad, like babies born dead, and famine, and fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but who gives a shit about this fucking shit
- I should draw on my leg to test out if I maybe want a tattoo there 
- why is the world so god damn quiet 
- 330am, definitely not going to get enough sleep, fuck I hate having to get up early 
- you know because people say 'there's nothing sadder than' and then say things like 'an old man trying to be hip' or 'a teenager trying to be grown up' or fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but none of those things are actually sad, so referencing a baby actually BORN dead would be hilarious right? 
- I'm so not tired, I'm epically not tired, why have I once again set my life up so I have to go to bed when I'm not tired? 
- fuck this sucks shit
- yeah getting yourself more and more frustrated will help a lot, nice one Dave, you fucking idiot
- my legs hurt, actually ache from insomnia, pathetic 
- if I lived in an age of wild animals hunting humans I would so not survive, which means my ancestors probably bred young then got eaten, fuck I hate them
- I drew a cartoon I wanted tattooed on my calf like a decade ago, but I never got it - yet I still kind of want it, that's a good test of longevity right? 
- why am I seeking approval as usual, just be your fucking self Dave, who gives a shit what other people think, seriously why care? 
- I mean some of them are probably actually fans of (insert pop music celebrity you can't believe anyone could like in here) and how could you care about the opinion of someone who likes them?
- Auuhhjggghhhh 
- I'm frustrated
- (insert hilarious wrap up type thing that pulls this all together here)
- fuck this shittin shit fuck (yep, that works... Dave, you're amazing... you genius!)
- Ha ha - dead babies!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Good thoughts

I enjoy optimism but I just wish it had a better attitude I mean it's always like 

'it's me or pessimism, make your choice, but you better pick me or ill rape you with asshole like negativity, man seriously'

I'm optimistic so I'll give optimism a lot of slack, but it's just not all about you assholes!!!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Oh man, so it turns out abortion IS evil!

According to the good people over at the institute for Freakonomics, the huge falls in crime rates in New York City and other major US cities over the past lazy decade or three, was caused not by better police tactics, improved education or successful social polies, but is in fact directly linked to the legalization of abortion.

As the theory goes, unwanted children, often those growing up in poverty and/ or unloving and broken homes are those most likely to turn to crime, and a whole slew of these unwanted babies were instead aborted - leading to your TV still being where you last left it, your gasoline only being siphoned occasionally instead of regularly and your pants being left unpeed in due to a super scary mugging. God bless abortion!

I didn’t read this whole article, but you may: freakonomics

But here is the problem – it is also usually these types of fucked up, unloved, psychologically damaged and emotionally scarred people who both make unique, boundary pushing art and/ or seek out and support these artists allowing them to be popularized and enter the mainstream, and in their absence we’ve been left with the likes art and artists made and supported by people who’s parents actually wanted them, like Beiber, Kardashians and Twilights. Fuck you abortion!

These aborted babies may have included the people responsible for the next genre changing rock band, indie film movement or kids who would have shot the Kardashians before they got on TV! Oh no, what have we done.

The point is, if you still want to enjoy art made by the physiologically damaged then read my book - The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, it’s all about all the psychological damage I have suffered through – available in various places online including here:

Discussion points

1.     Having read this are you still pro-choice?
2.     Is using such a hot button debate point to ultimately try and sell my book awesome or what?
3.     Should I have been aborted?
4.     'Silence is golden... I swear!!!! You must believe me, please!'
5.     Was this screamed by
a.     A deranged gold miner, frustrated by all the screaming he can’t stop doing?
b.     The Goose that laid the golden egg trying not to be snatched? Or
c.      A gold necklace being tortured over where she's hiding her kids, knowing that if they are found they will be melted into bricks?
6.     The answer is C. and those kids were found and melted, and she was forced to watch.
7.     Oh my god, who thought an abortion blog could end so sad?
8.     At least you probably didn’t pee your pants today.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Tree facts

The phrase 'money doesn't grow on trees' will have a whole different meaning if all the trees die - because we'll all be busy fighting off relentless bird attacks.... The phrase 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' on the other hand... I mean seriously, shut the fuck up, we're all about to suffocate to death

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A lazy bit of comedy history for you

Commedia dell ‘Arte, or Comedy of the artist, was a form of improvised theatre from Italy popular in the Middle Ages, and surprisingly to me, as someone who has studied comedy and improvisation extensively over the past few years, not well known by people today.

As a part of carnival festivities, Commedia Dell ‘Arte was an escape from the drudgery of the type of lives the poor and underclasses eeked out, and a break from the oppression of the ruling class. It was an opportunity for people to make fun of both themselves and the rich and the royal, to blow off steam, and not take life too seriously.

Actors who performed in Commedia Dell ‘Arte would choose one of a series of stock characters, with very specific masks and costumes, routines and mannerisms, that were well known to the people of the day, as was the game, or unusual funny thing about them, which could be repeated over and over. Some of the characteristics included the quick-bodied dumb man, the dirty old man, the bad tempered hunch back, the dandy, and the vocal know it all who actually knows nothing, and are character traits which have survived all the way to today, and still form the basis behind much of the comedy produced in modern times, and everything in-between including harlequins, clowns, and vaudeville.

These characters were much like modern sitcoms characters, where people who tune in know certain behavioral attributes each character will have, which new story lines are filtered through each week, such as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory will always respond to people in a social retarded yet ridiculously intelligent way, or Joey from friends who is always eating and saying dumb things. And I believe the sitcom Arrested Development was specifically created and designed to include one of each of the archetypal comedic characters that are popular today and seem to have developed from these original archetypes from the middle ages.

Much like the modern sitcom Commedia Dell ‘Arte would follow familiar patterns often through stock plots, and lazzies, or rehearsed comedic routines, only with improvised dialogue to allow them to remain fresh, and unique to each individual performance.

Performers would play one character often for their entire lives, so it was seemingly a craft that could always be improved upon yet never mastered. The performers were not well respected in their time, but whoever created these stock characters surely most be among the most important artists in comedy history.

Thursday, February 28, 2013


You're either with me... or against me ... Or you don't know who I am... But if you did you'd be with me... Or against me... Unless your opinion of me was ambiguous.... In which case I'd consider you against me.. Unless I feel you'd be with me if only you knew me better... And yet why haven't you tried to get to get know me better... Unless you're against me... Or shy... Or shyly unwilling to admit you don't know what you feel... In which case aren't you actually just for yourself?... Why haven't you at least thought about what you feel for me?... Are you that selfish? I mean that little to you?... Have you simply not even considered whether you're with me or against me?... What kind of person are you?... Probably someone who'd be with me if you knew me... Right?... Please? ... Seriously????... I'd be with you if I could be!!!... Well fuck you!!! You wanted to be against me from the get go didn't you?... You motherfucker!!!! I don't want your type with me anyway!!!... Unless you'd actually be with me if you knew me... Which is probably the truth... So get to know me you cunts... I'm a good guy... At least to people with me

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Under pants

'Oh, because they go under your pants'

And with that mere thought came the crushing and heartbreaking moment a long and arduous expedition into attempting to write a 'why do they call them 'under' pants' joke officially failed.

It was a long and fanciful journey before I hit this final insurmountable obstacle, the ultimate unclimbable wall, truth, and while tears were defendable, earned even, It'd be criminal of me to casually dismiss and discard the undeniably wonderful high points warmly enjoyed before the failure had been reached or even contemplated, and you better believe there were highs, awesome peaks of wonder such as:

- You don't try and 'under'stand them
- I've never been 'under'whelmed by them and
- 'under' a moonlit sky if I mis'under'stand a potential threat and shit my pants I don't 'under'appreciate them

But there were the lows too, obviously , painful lows that I struggled to carry on from, rage filled lows, such as:

- staring at a pile or dirty laundry trying to get inspiration
- two days going commando in uncomfortable jeans experiencing life without them
- being whipped by a nun for going to confession and asking the priest what kind of underpants he wore, and of course the worst,
- trying to see if there really is truth behind every joke by shitting my pants and checking my appreciation level. It was only medium and medium gives me NOTHING.

And then the final death. Oh, because you wear them 'under' your pants' - damn you!!!!!! The dream is dead.

Maybe next time, when recovered from this physical ordeal and mended my mental anguish, well into the future from now of course, i'll try and figure out a joke on the topic of 'what would be a good super power?'

Oh wait - Super Jealousy! Because you'd get to use it ALL THE TIME!

Damn it - I mean it's genius obviously, its so deliciously ironically optimistic, as all brilliant jokes should be, but where was the journey, the ups and downs, the lows and highs - I arrived straight at the summit, and the satisfaction in that is only medium - MEDIUM!!!!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Strange things which are undeniably true

Coming to a fork in the road isn't that scary - those four different options are all parallel - but come to a spoon in the road and you're fucked - especially if it's full of hot soup - because that probably means a soup truck has tipped over - and helping the driver could possibly delay you

A fortnight probably feels like a lifetime to a two week old baby - unless it was born in America - in which case it probably doesn't know what a fortnight is - but an 'every other week' probably feels like a frustratingly vague lifetime to it

A fist full of soil is a silly place to plant a rose bush - unless you really, really want to give a girl a rose - and she is really, really patient - and she really, really likes guys who make fists for really, really long amounts of time - although if you ask me this girl sounds a bit nuts

Wow, the world sure is a strange place, and full of strange things which are undeniably true, plus who built a fucking spoon in the road???? AAAGGHHHH


Sunday, January 20, 2013

David Tieck as Introduced by David Tieck

There is this 'whatcha doing in Hollywood?' thing I might be on called 'Get it IN Hollywood' that is probably awesome, and this is for that so people like me and things of that nature, but stay away late night talk shows, I'm not giving you my best stuff, oh but have me on as a guest please, I am David Tieck.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Christians officially hate me

The below is a true story by the awesome Andy Day - I personally believe the lesson is buy my book or you're going to hell 

So!! In the spirit of EMM i have my own story to share with you which happened just today.

I was in Penrith earlier this morning and had just walked out of Panther Cycles having purchased some new Shimano cycling shoes and new cleat pedals.

On my way back to the car I walked past a shop front, looking inside I saw shelves full of books, immediately thinking to myself "Great, a book store, I'll see if they have any of Dave's books." Not that I would buy them from anyone other than you, but as an avid fan, curious as to where one could purchase your books from.

Walking into the store I made a bee line for the front counter, where I was met by an elderly gent of approximately 65. When I reached the counter we exchanged the usual greetings and he asked, how can I help?

"Do you have any books by the author, David Tieck?" I asked.

The gentleman behind the counter typed into his computer and after a moment replied, "I'm afraid I can't find anything, do you know any of the Titles?"

"Of course!" I replied. "There is, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, and Losing My Virginity 52 Times." I say.

Staring at me for a few moments, the man then replies, "I beg your pardon!"

Confused, I say again, "The Embarrassing Memory Murderer and Losing My Virgi..." I begin to reply.

"Excuse me sir, but could you please keep your voice down!" He replies, cutting me off mid sentence.

I am shocked and taken aback at his reaction. "I'm sorry?" I say inquisitively.

He replies in a hushed yet serious tone, "I'm sorry sir, but this is a respected Christian book shop and we do not sell the sort of filth that you are asking for!", "now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"

As I walk towards the door, I look to the shelves either side of me and see a display of new leather bound bibles and such titles as "let's chat about God".

I walk silently out of the shop, contemplating what had just happened. As soon as I got outside my only reaction was to simply burst out laughing at the fact that I had just unknowingly walked into a Strictly Christian book shop asking for your books and resulting in my being kicked out.

I'm afraid that you don't have a strong Christian follow DT! Best to rule them out from your targeted demographic audience. =D

You can't buy it in Christian book stores but you can buy it here :) - HERE HERE HERE or even ----> HERE

Thursday, January 10, 2013

'This is so hot right now' - people in the future

Remember that time when the really hot thing became hot and you were like 'I could have been in on that from the beginning but I decided to wait until other people told me it was hot and I wish instead I had been one of the ones who could say "I was in on it from the beginning"' - well this is your chance to make up for that mistake - buy now - the beginning is still right now.....

Buy here on amazon

Or here on iUniverse

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

How to know you've made it

You know that moment when your teacher deals with a student with a differing opinion by saying "Sorry to disagree with you, but I did make a documentary on the subject, and that documentary won an Oscar"

Well experiencing this moment isn't quite making it, unless that is your dream, which it isn't, or unless you're that teacher, which you are, not and well also taking into account that this moment has probably never happened, unless it has, in which case it definitely has happened, but you probably weren't in the class when it did, unless you were, in which case most people will probably say 'you liar', unless they believe your story, in which case I hope they are your close friends, because there should be more believers out there, unless they actually said 'you're a liar' and you said it's 'you liar you idiot' and they replied 'I said "you're a liar" which is perfectly fine you idiot', in which case they probably aren't that good a friend, so fuck em. 

Then again I don't need friends like that, because I do now have a new teacher, and he has made a documentary, and it was one that won an Oscar, for best documentary even, because that's the most likely category to win an Oscar in for a documentary, because apparently documentaries aren't good enough for best film, even my unmade documentary ideas that would be way more likely to find funding if Oscars are up for grabs, and yet teachers documentary is about stuff that someone may make someone say "well what about if this was true" and it made him say "well I did win an Oscar" only he said it after a whole different thing happened, and he also said other interesting stuff.

Plus he's probably only been teaching for 40 years or so, with say several hundred students each year, and I am one of them, so yeah, I guess you could say I've made it.