Wednesday, August 12, 2015

A lesson in impression

I know what you're thinking 'my girlfriend/ boyfriend/ lover/ ambiguously gendered slice of Banana Cream Pie, with whom I am currently in a committed and loving relationship with LOVES octopuses, so I know just what I am going to do to make them happy!' 

Well stop it NOW! Do NOT try to source six spare human arms to have surgically grafted to your body in order to become a human octopus. 

Here are some things you are probably forgetting that may prove important to this plan: 

- Some people/ slices of pie say things like 'I love octopuses' when it turns out, due to similarities and poorly created, deeply inaccurate renditions in popular cartoons, what they actually love is squid.
- A human octopus still has 'human' in the name, so you're going to fail to become an actual octopus. 
- No one wants to date a failure. 
- Failures suck. 
- Look at professional athletes, hardly ever win everything always, and therefore are deeply undesirable. 
- Except the ones that are good looking. 
- But you don't want to date someone that superficial do you? No, you want someone who wants you for being an octopus. 
- And in doing so proves that the whole time they were dating you as a human they were secretly coveting something drastically different than you. 
- Obviously you'll now become one of the world's foremost masseuses so there will be the flow on financial gains.
- But that'll be where you continue to fail.
- No one wants to date a rich human octopus. 
- Just look at professional 'being really rich guys', practically 90% of them are NOT human octopuses. 
- Plus being a masseuse really isn't actually that fun a job, cause your thumbs always get tired. 
- Plus where are you going to get these arms? 
- Steal them from graves? 
- Borrow your friends under a promise to pay them back, even though you both know you never pay your debts? 
- From, according to my recent Google searches, what turns out to be a very healthy and easy to find black market for human body parts? 
- Sorry, more failure. 
- Most of those will end up having slightly different skin-tones, moisturizing needs or fingernail grow speed, where as a REAL octopuses arms are actually tentacles. 
- You idiot.

Still not convinced? Well check out this true story: 

Benny, a real estate agent, wanted to impress his partner, Candice, an octopus lover, for her birthday. After a six month period of constantly putting on nature documentaries and well researched sea based cartoons, he finally was convinced that Candice did in fact love octopuses and not squid, so borrowed some arms from his mates, and hit the surgeon up for a quick graft session after work. 

When he got home to surprise her things abruptly, and shockingly, took a turn for the worse. Due to delirium from the medications used during surgery, in an attempt to get his energy back up, he went to the fringe and accidentally ate Candice. 

Plus he forgot to put on chocolate syrup which he normally demands with Banana Cream Pie. 

Plus it turns out that eight month old pie is no longer good for your stomach.

Plus when he told his now armless mate that he'd been dating an eight month old, his mate replied 'octopus don't have legs you idiot, surely eight limbs total would have been fine' leading to an argument that led to a very comical physical confrontation, which as captured on witnesses phones, made the news. 

Which made them both famous.

And with fame came all the chicks and pie they wanted.

So don't become a human octopus people, just become famous, or if you can't do that just start dating people who love squid.