Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Weather boy to the stars

It's the Larry David news - starring David Tieck as your weather expert - anyone want to hire me? I don't mind standing in the rain, but just don't make me face the wind - I HAAAAATTTEEE WIND!!!

Friday, June 14, 2013

New flawless insults - finally

I know what you are thinking, saying "fuck you" just doesn't work anymore, it has no pizazz, no bang for its buck, no french sounding posh-ness (Genasaquar? I don't fucking know how to spell that). We need some new insults, and not just knew ones, but FLAWLESS ones, ones that can be thrown out in just about any situation and at any person and be relevant, harsh, AND really stick em where it hurts. Yep, I am talking EMOTIONALLY!!!!

I came up with some:

-  I've owned cutlery draws more charismatic than your opinions on shell fish inspired school systems!
-  Coffee"!!!! I asked for "confederacy" not "coffee", ha ha - "confederacy"!
-  Next thing you know you'll be saying "lets go camping on the moon" - yeah, right, You tool! Wait, CAN we go to the moon?
- If you love Cinderella so much why don't you just marry a punkin and hope lots, etc and then she still probably wouldn't love you because she's at least fifty percent fictional!
-  You know how you can put a silencer on a gun? You're like one of those made for Television remotes!
- Well I still say if I had have invented science then right now I'd probably be WAY older than you!
-  You're such a vacuum that if you played the classic 1970s home edition of the Price is Right you'd probably vacuum it!
-  The "ScienceFact" is that "ScienceFiction" isn't always that awesome, am I right?
-  Alright, I am done for now, I think!
- I've never had a boner while being burnt alive that didn't make me think about you!

See how flawless all those were, AND insulting! If not I will tell you how flawless and insutlting they were - FLAWLESSLY INSULTING! Can't you just see how they hit you where hurts, are useful in ANY situation, and have a french flair, (Jenaso, um, genercokwa, um, JennaSoQuar, I don't fucking know, fucking french!)

But don't feel tapped with these as your only options, feel free to write your own, you can do it, although I bet you're as good at coming up with them as Prairie Dog fur feels at a romantic movie about RELATIONSHIPS!!! ZING!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

And now your average insomniatic thoughts by Dave

- I should write a joke about the phrase 'there is nothing sadder than' where the punchline is listing all the things that are really actually sad, like babies born dead, and famine, and fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but who gives a shit about this fucking shit
- I should draw on my leg to test out if I maybe want a tattoo there 
- why is the world so god damn quiet 
- 330am, definitely not going to get enough sleep, fuck I hate having to get up early 
- you know because people say 'there's nothing sadder than' and then say things like 'an old man trying to be hip' or 'a teenager trying to be grown up' or fans of (insert pop music celebrity that you can't believe anyone could like in here) but none of those things are actually sad, so referencing a baby actually BORN dead would be hilarious right? 
- I'm so not tired, I'm epically not tired, why have I once again set my life up so I have to go to bed when I'm not tired? 
- fuck this sucks shit
- yeah getting yourself more and more frustrated will help a lot, nice one Dave, you fucking idiot
- my legs hurt, actually ache from insomnia, pathetic 
- if I lived in an age of wild animals hunting humans I would so not survive, which means my ancestors probably bred young then got eaten, fuck I hate them
- I drew a cartoon I wanted tattooed on my calf like a decade ago, but I never got it - yet I still kind of want it, that's a good test of longevity right? 
- why am I seeking approval as usual, just be your fucking self Dave, who gives a shit what other people think, seriously why care? 
- I mean some of them are probably actually fans of (insert pop music celebrity you can't believe anyone could like in here) and how could you care about the opinion of someone who likes them?
- Auuhhjggghhhh 
- I'm frustrated
- (insert hilarious wrap up type thing that pulls this all together here)
- fuck this shittin shit fuck (yep, that works... Dave, you're amazing... you genius!)
- Ha ha - dead babies!