Monday, March 28, 2016
Friday, March 25, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
I'd officially made the official decision to develop an amazing new skill and have it made official. And making a decision to develop an amazing new skill is no small thing. It requires an official declaration for one thing. Which can include a lot of annoying paper work. But that's just the start. As surprisingly actually developing the skill can also require some difficulty. Sometimes even extreme lengths are required. And it's tough to get a length officially registered as extreme, so I knew that NO part of this would be easy.
For example I once knew a guy who decided one day to develop the skill of x-Ray vision. To facilitate this he first officially declared that he wanted this skill, obviously. Then he did all the paperwork. And then he plucked his eyes out with a fork, stuck them in the microwave on high for three minutes, then finished them off in the sandwich press for a further four minutes!
And that's when he realized something NOW, and it turned out to be BIG!
He realized that he'd accidentally gotten the instructions for developing x-Ray vision mixed up with his own personal preferred method for reheating pizza.
It was a crying shame too, shame being what he felt in his eye ducts, something they found heart breaking, leading them to leak, and leaking eye ducts always made him sad, and sadness made him cry.
I mean he'd done SO much to get those instructions.
This is how it went down - he'd paid a mysterious and scary man in a turban in the back of dark, dark and extremely smokey car wash cafe twelve bucks. And that was no small feat. The the man hardly just offered to sell them for twelve bucks at his regular selling spot, my friend had to MAKE this happen.
This is how it went down - my friend had gone to get a coffee at his favorite coffee place. He liked it there because he'd always wanted to meet someone who could drive a car, and he thought this was as good as place as any. Plus it was only a ten minute taxi ride from his house. So he'd been going ever day for months hoping to eventually get the confidence to talk to someone. But before he did he saw someone else is wanted to meet even more, this was a NEW goal and it was FRESH! You see he'd spotted a man in a turban.
This was a HUGE opportunity, and he had to act on it NOW, and in a BIG way. So he immediately smashed the light bulbs out with a chair to create some dark, dark atmosphere. Next he mugged a magician for his smoke machine, and set it up. Then he kicked it a few times because it wouldn't work. Then he looked up instructions on how to make it work on the Internet, where he discovered that the plastic cylinder labeled 'water container' was not indeed a cylinder that MADE water, but rather one that REQUIRED water. So he had to run out and track down the magician. Which was hard, as he had to attend fourteen different magic shows to find him, which sucked because he had to be careful not to watch a single trick being performed, knowing full well that if he couldn't figure out how they did the tricks, he'd have to go back stage and kick the magicians in the kneecaps once for each time he'd been fooled, and he didn't have time for that, because he had a magician to find! Then when he finally found HIS magician he kicked him in the kneecaps and yelled 'that's for not telling me that your machine didn't MAKE water but instead REQUIRED it, you dick!'
Then he ran back to the car wash cafe, now suitably smokey and dark, dark as he'd desired for the atmosphere he desired, with dark, dark and smokey being his desired atmosphere of smokiness and dark, darkness.
Lucky the man in the turban was still there. Well not really luckily, some how his car had kept getting mud sprayed on it. By which I mean my friend had mugged a magnetician for his mud sprayer (but that's a whole other story - just know this, the way it went down was fun and exciting, and included bad ass things such as magnets! And even mud!)
He now gingerly and warily approach the man in the turban and gave him a big hug and sloppy kiss, and said 'wow, I've heard about guys like you, and I've heard that guys with those head things, in dark, dark and smokey places always have secret magic! And and I've ALWAYS wanted to experience magic but the opportunity never arises for some reason, it's bullshit, magic people are such dicks, so show me a trick!'
The man in the turban had been caught out, but he wasn't going to give it up yet 'I don't know any tricks, you racist' he replied.
'Yeah you do' my friend now said with conviction 'you're just scared I won't be able to guess how you did the trick and I'll kick you in the kneecaps, but I won't, unless it's REALLY hard to guess' he added as reassurance.
'Oh WHAT an OFFER, how could ANYONE resist that' the man in the turban responded with a weird questioning sing-song tone in his voice, a tone that screamed loud and clear, screaming 'you got me!'
'Okay show me' my friend said.
'I don't want to' came the reply.
'Please?' Came a further request.
'But I want to see one, I really, really want to see magic. Let's say this - I'll hurt if you don't show me. But if you do I promise I won't kick you in the kneecaps if I can't figure it out, I'm not a violent man promise'.
'Nah, still don't want to'. The man in the turban replied arrogantly.
'Look I don't know any tricks, honestly, but I do have something else' he suddenly said with a cheeky look in his eye.
'I want it, I WANT it, give it'.
'No pay me twelve bucks'.
'That's actually very reasonable, why do people resort to violence and muggings so often when perfectly fine financial transactions are available?'
After an extreme lengthy conversation was had about the nature of economics and the flaws of a capitalist society was concluded, with the required paperwork finished to made the length officially declared extreme, twelve dollars was handed over, and that's when the man in the turban got serious, and handed over a list, that to the layman appeared to just be a list of standard items available at a supermarket.
'Hey I'm a layman you dick' said my friend 'what is this?'
'Um' replied the man in the turban 'um, well, um, are there any skills you've been wanting to acquire?'
'Yes, x-Ray vision!'
'Oh wow, fluke, cause that's EXACTLY what buying these things and delivering them to me here, oh and possibly some other tasks, will gain you, I will give you further instructions on your return!'
'Of course!' My friend yelled. 'I always wondered why people purchased food at supermarkets instead of just mugging people for it, clearly they've been acquiring x-Ray vision, and now I will too!
But because he didn't know that acquiring amazing new abilities was hard, he'd gotten too complacent. And decided to go home to reheat some pizza first. And well we all know where that went wrong.
When he put his sizzling eyes back in his head he realized his fuck up 'ah man' he sighed 'I can only see through stuff if I squint REALLY hard, and everyone seems to have black charcoal colored skeletons, I don't want to see that'.
Then after finishing the man in the turban's detailed and difficult tasks he ended up with three slices of pepperoni deep dish pizza living in his car that use the x-Ray vision THEY got to mock his underwear choices RELENTLESSLY (stock mock: you should wear SOME underwear you gross bastard, seriously, or shower occasionally, maybe both even?)
I've of course since also mocked my friend relentlessly for the relentless mocking he cops, how could I not? The problem is this man is ME! That's right, I'm my own friend, that's a win for me you dicks! So imagine how much relentless mocking he'd get from me if it was someone else?
I'd HATE to be mocked that much. That's why I HATE trying to develop new skills now. Unless their importance is BIG, and their importance imminent, in fact so important and imminent that their imminence is important NOW!
Like it was in the case with this waiter, and luckily I had a skill developed NOW and that's BIG, but to have it now first I'd had to develop it, and its development had to be GOOD and it therefore it had to be developed SMART!
Here's how I did it...
*Note this explanation includes very little magic, so your risk of having to kick me in the kneecaps is minimal, REALLY minimal! That's the truth, and I ALWAYS* tell the truth
*By the way I lied above, I didn't do my own paperwork. This is how it went down - I had Kev do it.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Amazing skills are hard to come by. I once heard of a guy who pick pocketed eight hundred and twenty seven people to try and get a special skill, and he did it at a massive police convention, and he pick pocketed them on the stage in front of ten thousand cops, right after the marching band played and right before the talk on 'staying alert', and he didn't get caught for a single one, and EVEN he didn't acquire his desired special skills, he didn't even get ONE!
So I don't want you to take your special skills for granted, if you have any, which you don't, but I do, so don't take mine for granted dick.
Here's how I discovered my newest and most amazing skill, the skill to always know when danger lurks:
It was a hot and sweaty day the day this happened, as it was International Sauna Day, and Scandinavians had stormed city squares, parks, gathering spaces, bird nests, beaches, offices of actuaries, food courts with foods from around the world 'yet no Norwegian Pickled Herring Desert Huts?, "around" the world my ass' , football players underwear draws, the inside of hollowed out not yet formed holes in the ground, and even food courts that DID have Norwegian Pickled Herring Dessert Huts, and these Scandinavians had set up Saunas the size of LARGE saunas, REALLY large saunas, and they were screaming at their hostages 'just try it, it's actually really relaxing, why do you think our nations have such low crime rates?' But little did the Scandinavians know that they WERE trying it, EVERYONE was, the Scandinavians had forgotten to close the sauna doors and the whole world had become a sauna!
I'm sure you all remember the Great Sweating Of '97. It was awesome. EVERYONE was sweaty, so no cared about being sweaty. We went rafting on sweat rivers. And we swam in sweat pools. We splashed about under fire hydrants spraying sweat across roads. And we made love under sweat waterfalls. I heard three Eskimos even went skinny dipping in a warm bubbling pond of sweat. It was their first ever encounter with warm water! It was so awesome! And of course kind of gross, none of them had ever been naked before, and it turns out those Eskimo outfits are a tad sweaty on the inside, yuck!
Everyone was out enjoying the fun. Except me of course. I don't follow trends, I START them. So I was inside having a bath in ice, a new trend that I'd started after seeing Scandinavians jump in snow after delightful saunas. Man that looked nice, I wish I could try it.
Just then a REAL LIFE ghost monkey invaded my home! It was running around pushing things over. Breaking stuff. And picking things up it had pushed over then breaking them and pushing them back over. And there was NOTHING I could do. It had disguised itself as a human, so I couldn't call it implausible, I was stuck.
And that's when it did something BIG and it did it NOW!
It began screaming at me...
'That's for whipping my brother Kev all the time you dick, among other ways you treat him bad, STOP it!'
I was dumbfounded.
'I have NEVER whipped a ghost monkey you dick!' I screamed. 'I only whip my HUMAN friend Kev. How dare you accuse me of that. Cruelty to animals is cruel, and if I did something cruel it would cruel my chances to get into The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, and I REALLY want to get in to that society, I have a really cruel practical joke I want to play on them. Get this, I'm going change the official records so that some birds I have had officially denied, get put down as having previously existed, but say they were killed off by The Society Of People Who Don't Like Cruel Stuff, then I'm going to release a canary in their office that I'd nailed-gunned bubble wrap too, so they'd think it was a previously thought extinct African Rasping Elephant Vulture, and then I'm going to laugh at them! I'm just waiting for a canary to volunteer. So I would NEVER be cruel to a ghost monkey, or anything else, you dick!'
Then I ran out of the house. And I put locks on all the doors, and windows, and covered the entire home in air sealing gel, except one hole, that I used to gas the place, with some of the immense supply of mustard gas I'd found in my dead granddad's (a war hero), home and kept because I had at first misread it as being mustard gaffe, and I thought 'ha ha, can't even spell gas, you idiots', and which I'd been using to set booby traps on my mail box to try and get the paperboy to throw my paper at the front door like they did on those TV shows, and because that lazy paperboy started walking it to my front door instead, three postmen had ended up in hospital. Well done paperboy you dick!
The ghost monkey seemed to not believe my very truthful explanation though, because I could hear him still breaking stuff, for some reason he really wanted to break my front door, which he did, then he ran down the road, yelling 'you're nuts, you're really nuts'. So I yelled back 'jokes on you ghost monkey, no one likes name callers, you dick!'
Then I realized something BIG, and I realized it NOW!
'Oh my god, are you stupid?' I said to myself. 'A ghost monkey can just go THROUGH doors. Therefore it CAN'T break them. Therefore that CAN'T have been a ghost monkey!!!!!!'
It was now very clear what had just taken place.
That must have been a ghost LEMUR! And I HAD been whipping a ghost lemur's bother Kev. I mean it had asked me to. I'd never be cruel. But still, whoops. I was SO embarrassed. REALLY embarrassed.
And thats when I realized I needed to figure out a way to stop things like from keep happening to me. I need to spot danger BEFORE horrible things, like me getting embarrassed, happened again. And I needed to figure out this danger spotting method NOW, and it had to be BIG!
There's more coming*
*oh I like that one, simple and straight to the point* it's nice to find something purely nice and helpful
*the fun end of a spear, often with blood dripping off!
There's an Ancient Chinese saying of wisdom that I coined recently – ‘If you're headless and you ride a horse you're the headless horseman, but if you're headless and you ride an evil robot dragon that's probably how you lost your head you idiot!’
I like this saying for four main reasons:
1. It's very wise.
2. Because I came up with it.
3. It's a reminder that there is danger everywhere, at all times and it wants YOU!
(Fact: Danger lies in bed at night dreaming of you. It wakes up in the morning and wipes it's phlegmy drool on its still sleeping lover's face just rabid for you. Danger sometimes even sits bolt upright at its desk at work, with steel fire in its eyes, and has to walk over to its boss and say 'mind if I take a quick break boss, I'm feeling insane desire for you again' and sometimes it's boss says 'again? Look you can't take another break until the Harrison account is balanced okay, I'm sick of you letting your personal life come into this office, we're accountants damn it, numbers ARE our personal lives, not deep seated yearning for people' and that makes danger covet you even more, so much so that sometimes it replies 'but boss, please, I don't just yearn you, I CRAVE you, I boil with lustful NEED for you, like a perfectly boiled batch of French Fries' and then danger goes home and thinks to itself 'man sometimes I feel like I missed my calling by becoming an accountant, but you have to take the safe option in life sometimes don't you, I mean I want everyone, especially you, and I can't get them following some fancy pipe-dream "fun" career'. Yep danger wants you BAD! And you may think that you're safe while its at work, but I'll tell ya, when that Harrison account is balanced danger could be on break ANYTIME!)
4. It has a cool evil robot dragon in it.
The wisdom of this saying has affected me deeply, and it's in my deep spots where I make decisions, and my deep spots are always deciding to say to me 'listen to wisdom, and listen to it NOW, then respond to it with something BIG!'
Now if there is one thing people all know about me, it's that if I need to do something BIG, and if it has to be done NOW, then I always, ALWAYS, do that thing NOW, and I make it happen in a BIG way!
That’s why since this saying came into my life, over the following months I instantly made lots of changes. I bought stocks in several mechanics and technology companies, hoping to make some of that sweet evil robot dragon cash for myself. I fired my accountant after I realized he was probably taking way too many breaks. And I started to come up with ways to spot danger BEFORE it got me.
I tried several methods before I found one that worked, walking around yelling 'I see you there, you can't hide from me!' hoping that danger wouldn't know that I was lying. Bathing in squid slime every morning hoping that danger would abhor the smell as much as I did. And having my mate Kev walk three feet in front of me at all times while constantly whipping him with a bullwhip hoping danger would think that I was on its side. All these methods worked at times, but then for some reason strangers would look at me funny, sometimes even with scorn, and I knew that it was danger at work letting me know I hadn't beaten it.
Then God intervened - and gave me a gift.
God's given me lots of gifts so far in my life, including but not limited to:
- Perfect powers of perception.
- Dream ability to detect the presence of people who are dicks.
- The skill to pretend to be a ghost monkey for periods up to twelve minutes without a single person pointing out that this was implausible (today I got away with it for nearly twenty eight seconds, which is EASILY within up to twelve minutes).
- A capacity to never be on a farm for more than four minutes without saying 'a farm, seriously, why would you bring ME here, you dick, why are you ALWAYS bringing me here?'
- The power to be on a farm and spook the cows WITHOUT spooking the pigs.
- The aptitude to then prove I still wasn't scared of the cows, by climbing into the bull pit.
- The dexterity to say 'yes I WILL really prove it' then slapping a bull in the face.
- The competence to tell my friends to video what would then take place.
- Discovering now that that dick Kev had totally worn out my bullwhip, but then having the talent to then only get gored in the soft bits of my torso.
- The intelligence to look up 'ability' in the thesaurus while in the hospital waiting for my wounds to heal.
- And the resourcefulness to tell my friends 'I've been cooped up in a hospital bed all week, you owe me, take me somewhere please, oh I know, some where rural, that'll be a nice change from a hospital for sure'.
And then one day God gave me a yet another new thing:
- A facility to know whenever danger lurked.
The waiter had made it clear that clearly he wanted to be really clear in that he was clearly hard to read, and so clearly I had a clear goal in mind, figure out WHY he wanted to be hard to read.
'Stop that, it's implausible' he said to me as I flawlessly ghost monkeyed throughout the restaurant for twenty eight seconds, 'you're a hero, how can I ever repay you?' He added, adding to his clear need to be hard to read.
And it was right then that I noticed my danger notifier going off. It wasn't clear why. But that's just how it is when the danger is BIG and in my face NOW, so clearly whatever was about to happen was about to happen NOW, and it sure was going to be BIG!
To be continued*
*Yes I know that was the first one, but I think sometimes it's okay to go back to the beginning, in fact it probably always is, PERFECTLY* okay! So fuck you if you think it's not.
*Another word for 'clearly an exaggeration*, what are you trying to hide you dick!'
*Something I have the dexterity to NEVER do.