It's called love people

I know what you're thinking - 'I own a pet dog/ cat/ possibly a ferret or some other thing from the rodent family, and I think it would be fun for both it and I, if I were to print out a picture of a squeaky bone/ dead bird/ I don't know, what's in those pellets? Pigeon toe-nails and horse hoof? So I guess maybe a hollowed out hoof filled with pigeon toes, and take that picture, staple it to my face, and then have an extra special fun time playing with my pet, but I don't know where to start?' 

Well I'm glad you came to me, because I can absolutely help you with your dilemma here. Here are some steps I highly recommend you taking immediately: 

First up: try and figure out what EXACTLY your pet is. There is no point stapling a picture of a dead bird to your face, when a horse hoof bowl of pigeon toes was a better option. 

Here's is a fun trick you can play to tell exactly what sort of pet you have: - Get a jar of peanut butter.

- Now cover your hand in it, the peanut butter that is, you don't want to use the jar, because if it is glass it may break and cut you, we're not doing anything crazy today.

- Now slowly insert your entire hand deep into the throat of your pet.

- If your pet now licks it up, and possibly gnaws off several fingers, congratulations! You have a dog. Wow, s/he's strong! 

- If your pet says 'meow' in a tone that you can easily translate to mean 'no chance dude, I'm way too swift and agile for that' then nicks off, climbs a bookshelf and knocks down all of the pictures of your deceased family members, then congratulations! You have a kitty! Awww, I'm jealous. 

- If your pet explodes into a spray of flesh chunks, hair and peanut butter stuck to rodent organs then, commiserations, you had a rodent, but you can get a new one at the pet store for a buck twenty five, or get one in the sewer for the simple cost of a piece of cheese, a net, and a tip off from the mob as to where they typically dump corpses these days, find a fresh enough corpse and you may even find six or seven new pets!

By now you should know what sort of pet your dealing with, if it's the third one I hope you paid that mob guy for the tip, or else it will be YOU helping people get pets next week, ha ha. 

Secondly: Now it's time to talk logistics, so let's get practical.

Please do NOT use a typical desk stapler. Those require pressure from both sides, so squeezing your head between the arms could be awkward, and pressing on the back of your skull may hurt a tad, we don't want pain here. Plus the only way to get one of those is to steal one from work, which is just plain wrong, don't you know that the work experience kid needs to steal those to support his new glue habit? And if you steal them first he'll have to start stealing the office glue, which would be awful, because stealing is wrong.   

Instead I recommend that you use an industrial curtain mounting stapler. Your local curtain mountaineer will probably let you borrow theirs if you distract them by lighting their storerooms on fire. I recommend going with a chemical fire, they're harder to put out, which buys you time, plus the smells can be delightful. 

(Bonus points: Got a significant other? Nick a fabric sample book, you may be able to finally stop them complaining that you never help decorating your home, plus they usually have a good twenty - fifty samples, so you've got birthdays and Christmases covered for years!) 

Once it's time to jam this metal into your face I recommend that you do NOT aim for the eyes, sure it's a softer entry, but eyes won't grip as tight as say forehead, which means you may end up with several re-insertions, which could cost you valuable play time. 

Thirdly: Well that's all the important stuff out of the way, now I just have, well, I guess it's a personal opinion to get across, which I normally don't like to do when giving advice, but I feel like it should be said - ARE YOU INSANE, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU STAPLE A PICTURE OF A SQUEAKY BONE, A DEAD BIRD OR A HORSE HOOF BOWL OF PIGION TOES TO YOUR FACE???????

Are you just fucked in the head? 

I mean seriously, if you genuinely love your pet, why wouldn't you staple an ACTUAL squeaky bone, dead bird or horse hoof bowl of pigeon toes to your face? 

It's called love people, and your pets deserve it. 

I know what you are thinking, but please don't do it

I know what you’re thinking, and I am really sorry, but I don’t think you should adopt a camel.

Yes I know there have been so many stories about the Middle-East on the news in the past decade and you sit and watch and think ‘terrorists suck, but those camels look cool’ and you’re right, they do look cool, but cool does not make an awesome pet I am afraid.

I agree with you, camels make a unique pet and being unique is good, but I promise you, many, many people are thinking of making the move for the camel ownership life right now, and then you’ll find yourself whack bang in the middle of an ill-thought-out trend. Do you want your camel to turn into a butterfly tattoo on your lower back? No you don’t.

I am right with you, cute hell yes, but cuteness fades, and you’ll find yourself looking at baby camels in the pet store window thinking I wish my camel was still cute like that, my camel sucks. No no, it will happen, and I know that doesn’t mean you won’t still love your camel, but it should be considered.

The other thing is that camels, as it turns out, make really, really awful pets. Trust me.

Ok here are some reasons you may not have thought of why camels make bad pets.

- They’re kind of big. If you live in a studio apartment where the hell are you going to put it? Even if you have a court yard or roof top garden, camels like to move around, and a restless camel is a horny camel, hey don’t blame me, its fact, and if you thought horses were hung like horses, well camels are REALLY hung like horses (even female ones, camel clitoris is enormous!)

- There not good eating, which means fifty years from now when it sadly passes away your going to have to drag a big heavy body to the trash can rather than farming its body for meals, that’s annoying AND wasteful

- They have weird lumps on their backs, and if you have a pet with weird lumps people may think YOU’RE weird.

- In the desert the smell of a camels ass can be a delightful distraction from the smell of sweaty unwashed Middle-Eastern people, but in your apartment it just smells like camel ass (which is bad, if that wasn’t clear) (on the other hand now camel breath now becomes a delightful distraction from camel ass, but please trust me, this is NOT a good reason to adopt a camel for a pet)

You know what? Let me throw a curve ball at you. No not one of those stupid metaphoric ones which just end up confusing people who are not big fans of sport, I mean a literal curve ball, because this unrelenting desire of yours to have a pet camel, even now, after I have PROVEN that camels are in fact an awful choice for a pet, has really started to get under my nerves, and as it happens, just as you were forming this camel desire I was working out how to position my wrist in just the right way so that I can now make a baseball curve when thrown from my hand towards something, or swing as some people not from America, especially cricket playing nations, may find a more relative term, and this is a very difficult thing to do, to throw a curve ball, especially by someone with no access to high level baseball coaches, and because of this whole camel thing, I kind of feel like hitting you in the head with a rock hard leather stitched ball, and it is very rare for someone to simultaneously find themselves in position of a new skill and upset with someone else in a way where the first skill would be a welcome punishment to inflict on the other person for some silly idea they have.

No, I do think it’s fair. I sensed you wanted to adopt a camel, so I pre-empted your decision by giving you many good reasons why not to adopt a camel, yet I still sense you may find yourself with a camel in your living room sometime soon, so I think having a rock hard leather stitched baseball flung towards you in a manner so at first it looks like it will miss you but then it turns out to curve towards you and hit you right on the noggin fits the crime perfectly.

And why can’t you see it from my point of view? I have fortuitously found myself with a new skill (in case you were wondering I learned it from a book, a book titled ‘how to throw a curve ball’ so that should take any mystery out of it for you, if that was what was holding you back from allowing me to throw a curve ball at your head) and with this new skill just wasting away in my back pocket, unused because I don’t actually play baseball or know anyone who does, right in this exact moment, you have angered me over the whole camel debacle, so surely you can see how this would excite me, and when someone is excited in this world, the least you can do is let the man enjoy and exploit his excitement, that’s just following the golden rule of do onto others as others would do unto you, and if you were simultaneously angry at me and had just learned a new skill which would be a perfect way to punish me for it, and you were excited about it, I would let you use that skill.

So can I throw a curve ball at you please? No. Fuck you. Enjoy your camel you asshole.

Ok then, I guess I will just grab six McNuggets and a small coke, and can you make it fast, some of us do have important jobs to get to!