Monday, December 7, 2009

I know what you are thinking, but please don't do it

I know what you’re thinking, and I am really sorry, but I don’t think you should adopt a camel.

Yes I know there have been so many stories about the Middle-East on the news in the past decade and you sit and watch and think ‘terrorists suck, but those camels look cool’ and you’re right, they do look cool, but cool does not make an awesome pet I am afraid.

I agree with you, camels make a unique pet and being unique is good, but I promise you, many, many people are thinking of making the move for the camel ownership life right now, and then you’ll find yourself whack bang in the middle of an ill-thought-out trend. Do you want your camel to turn into a butterfly tattoo on your lower back? No you don’t.

I am right with you, cute hell yes, but cuteness fades, and you’ll find yourself looking at baby camels in the pet store window thinking I wish my camel was still cute like that, my camel sucks. No no, it will happen, and I know that doesn’t mean you won’t still love your camel, but it should be considered.

The other thing is that camels, as it turns out, make really, really awful pets. Trust me.

Ok here are some reasons you may not have thought of why camels make bad pets.

- They’re kind of big. If you live in a studio apartment where the hell are you going to put it? Even if you have a court yard or roof top garden, camels like to move around, and a restless camel is a horny camel, hey don’t blame me, its fact, and if you thought horses were hung like horses, well camels are REALLY hung like horses (even female ones, camel clitoris is enormous!)

- There not good eating, which means fifty years from now when it sadly passes away your going to have to drag a big heavy body to the trash can rather than farming its body for meals, that’s annoying AND wasteful

- They have weird lumps on their backs, and if you have a pet with weird lumps people may think YOU’RE weird.

- In the desert the smell of a camels ass can be a delightful distraction from the smell of sweaty unwashed Middle-Eastern people, but in your apartment it just smells like camel ass (which is bad, if that wasn’t clear) (on the other hand now camel breath now becomes a delightful distraction from camel ass, but please trust me, this is NOT a good reason to adopt a camel for a pet)

You know what? Let me throw a curve ball at you. No not one of those stupid metaphoric ones which just end up confusing people who are not big fans of sport, I mean a literal curve ball, because this unrelenting desire of yours to have a pet camel, even now, after I have PROVEN that camels are in fact an awful choice for a pet, has really started to get under my nerves, and as it happens, just as you were forming this camel desire I was working out how to position my wrist in just the right way so that I can now make a baseball curve when thrown from my hand towards something, or swing as some people not from America, especially cricket playing nations, may find a more relative term, and this is a very difficult thing to do, to throw a curve ball, especially by someone with no access to high level baseball coaches, and because of this whole camel thing, I kind of feel like hitting you in the head with a rock hard leather stitched ball, and it is very rare for someone to simultaneously find themselves in position of a new skill and upset with someone else in a way where the first skill would be a welcome punishment to inflict on the other person for some silly idea they have.

No, I do think it’s fair. I sensed you wanted to adopt a camel, so I pre-empted your decision by giving you many good reasons why not to adopt a camel, yet I still sense you may find yourself with a camel in your living room sometime soon, so I think having a rock hard leather stitched baseball flung towards you in a manner so at first it looks like it will miss you but then it turns out to curve towards you and hit you right on the noggin fits the crime perfectly.

And why can’t you see it from my point of view? I have fortuitously found myself with a new skill (in case you were wondering I learned it from a book, a book titled ‘how to throw a curve ball’ so that should take any mystery out of it for you, if that was what was holding you back from allowing me to throw a curve ball at your head) and with this new skill just wasting away in my back pocket, unused because I don’t actually play baseball or know anyone who does, right in this exact moment, you have angered me over the whole camel debacle, so surely you can see how this would excite me, and when someone is excited in this world, the least you can do is let the man enjoy and exploit his excitement, that’s just following the golden rule of do onto others as others would do unto you, and if you were simultaneously angry at me and had just learned a new skill which would be a perfect way to punish me for it, and you were excited about it, I would let you use that skill.

So can I throw a curve ball at you please? No. Fuck you. Enjoy your camel you asshole.

Ok then, I guess I will just grab six McNuggets and a small coke, and can you make it fast, some of us do have important jobs to get to!

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