Saturday, June 6, 2015

A lesson on learning

I think that if I trekked to Lithuania on the back of a donkey with dreams of learning all there is to know about industrial sized scissors, but was forced to come home with my tail between my legs and hardly any more expertise on industrialized scissors than I'd arrived with, what I'd  ultimately realize I actually ended up learning would be the following:

- Lithuania was a stupid place to go learn about scissors.
- Really, really stupid. 
- What the hell was I thinking?
- I truly am a freaking moron.
- And scissors? 
- No no no, 'industrial sized' scissors? 
- For what, like cutting the hair of giants? 
- Those aren't real you dick.
- Unless I counted like Shaq, but he's bald.
- Don't I ever research anything 'before' I jump in.
- I really am a freaking loser.
- They say 'all the gold goes to those who take all the risks' and I followed that, but such a stupid risk.
- And I bet I just fell for that too, that's not a real saying stupid.
- I truly am am a true moron in the truest form. 
- Plus I hate to break it to you idiot, but Lithuania has airports, I didn't have to trek there on the back of a Donkey, I am a stupid dick. Did I really think they didn't have airports? Or roads for cars even? Frankly that's not just stupid, but insulting to the good Lithuanians who have built a perfectly modern and beautiful country that I've just shat all over.
- You stupid dick. 

But I DIDN'T trek by donkey to Lithuania hoping to learn all I could about industrial sized scissors, so instead I now I feel pretty damn good about myself. Travel kicks ass! 

Freakin' weirdoes

Have you ever noticed that there are some freakin' weirdos out there in the world? 

Like get this. 

I made friends with a small cloud recently. 
Named Cotton.
Which is a super cute name for a cloud. 

I carried him around on a string like a balloon. 
We were best pals. 
Except at night. 
When I wanted to go to the pub. 

Cotton doesn't like pubs you see. 
Cause as he says...
'Girls pinch my ass, the ciders are too expensive, and the hand dryers in the bathroom often blow too hard and I get blown under the cubicle doors which I can't open cause I have no hands'.

So I'd tie him to a pole outside. 
I'd have my fun.
He'd flirt with girls on the way in and out. 
Then we'd get the bus home together. 
Unless Cotton forgot his half price for being a cloud card and then it'd be about the same price to get a cab. 
It worked out great. 

Until yesterday...
When I came out and he'd been STOLEN!'

I called the cops.
I said...
'Help, help, my clouds been stolen!'
And they said...
Get this... 
'You can't own a cloud!' 
'But he was my friend' I replied, crying.
But they didn't want to talk to me.

Well you know what you also can't own a teenage girl, but you call up the cops and say...
'Help help, I had my teenage girl tied up outside the pub, and someone stole her'!
Then the cops DEFINITELY want to talk to you. 
But to me for my cloud. 

What's wrong with these cops? Total freakin' weirdoes.