Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Are you pretty enough?

Let's face it, we all want flawless bodies, and most of us will achieve this, at least for six or seven minutes after falling asleep in a sauna for nine hours, but this wonderful time will be wasted trying to get things organized for our sudden need for a six month hospital visit. Then for the rest of the time we'll be a tad off our goal. And we'll know we are, because we have access to the media, and our eyes, and other people, and their use of the phrase 'eww'. 

Yet how would we even know if we were perfect, when there is one body part that, as yet, has been woefully unscrutinized to the point of us frequently panicking about our personal version of it, by the normally cruelly smothering and meticulous unrelenting media, and that's people's left middle to upper backs! 

This means that most people out there have little to no idea how they stack up on a pile of bodies ranked in order of left middle to upper back attractiveness (the organizational method preferred by most genocidal mass grave fillers). 

So, because I care about my readers, and the things they need and care about, and want to cleanse them from that horrific image I just conjured, here is a handy list of things to help you work out whether your left middle to upper back is gorgeous, or whether your left middle to upper back is so hideous that you should never wear backless clothes again (unless you put them on backwards). 

Signs your left middle to upper back is hideous: 

- You can see it in a mirror, and you're FACING the mirror. 
- You once had a left middle to upper lower back enhancement botched, by your local panel beater, and he even skimped on the silicone quality, which was particularly bad as you were actually trying to get 1968 ford mustang grill implant. 
- You're currently an half armadillo and half stonefish hybrid. 
- You're a Kardashian (zing). 
- You often hear people behind you saying 'oh look, they've installed one of those post feast of a human inside-out crocodile sculptures here, quick get a photo of me with it' before suddenly feeling an arm go over your shoulder.
- Due to a printing glitch, your personal version of the boardgame 'burn the witch' missed the words 'only ever PRETEND to burn the witch', and you play often, and regularly get declared 'the witch'.
-  It looks gross in pictures. 
- Whenever a nightclub bouncer asks you to take off your shirt and pirouette, they then never let you in. 
- When 'now boarding' is called at an airport, typically more than three people climb inside it.
- You once had a left middle to upper lower back enhancement done flawlessly, by your local panel beater, and you now successfully have a 1968 ford mustang grill implant. 

Signs your left middle to upper back is gorgeous:

- It's roughly similar to your right middle to upper back, and your right middle to upper back is gorgeous. 

So there you go? Is your left middle to upper back gorgeous or hideous? 

If you're lucky enough to be in the second category then congratulations! Worldwide fame and fortune shall be easy to find on the professional left middle to upper back beauty pageant circuit! 

(Although please be aware that in these tournaments they require you to cover up your right middle to upper backs, which many people, myself included, find barbaric, sexist, untoward, unfair, unassuming, unhinged, unaware, and often too warm, depending on what level the air-conditioner's thermostat was set, which usually makes at least the fame or fortune not worth it, and often both). 

If your in the second category then commiserations. And please put on a shirt, or at least turn around, the front may still be good, and that's regularly people's favorite bit anyway! Yay. 

Ps. If you ever enter yourself into a beauty pageant because you think you deserve to win, then you are probably a vapid, self-centered, vain as a heroin addicts veins, boring as a dried puddle, piece of shit (but if your pretty enough to be accepted, call me!)  
Pps. You wish you got the 1967 mustang grill implant now don't you? 1968! What the hell were you thinking? 
Ppps. Nine hours in a sauna only gets you a flawless body if you ACCIDENTALLY fall asleep in one. So if you're reading this on hour eight of an intentional stint then you're shit out of luck. 

Wow, what a deal

Something about me that you may not know is that I'm NOT an angry guy. In fact for the most part I am completely devoid of emotion. I used all my emotions up in the 80s making fluorescent shoelaces out of them, which I'd have sold for a buck a lace had I been good at making them, so it was totally worth it. 

Sure I kept some emotions frozen in jars to use at a later date. I'm not a crazy person. And frankly I resent the accusation. And the fact you just made me defrost and crack open a jar of resentment to express that right now is really frustrating, and wow, thanks, that was my last jar of frustration. Now I'll never feel that again, do you know how much that leaves me feeling calm and neutral? 


The problem of course is that I STILL somehow hold lots of grudges! But maybe I wouldn't hold grudges so often if just occasionally they weren't so soft, snuggly, cuddly, smuggly and totally smelling of delicious vanilla! 

The point is STILL fuck you grudges. 

The end. 

Today's blog brought to you by 'that'll do', earths great solution to the question 'it's not very good, are you sure you don't want to work more on this'? Buy a satchel of 'that'll do' today, and as a bonus, if you buy in the next hour we'll throw in a free fluorescent shoe lace made from a pre-pubescent boys overflowing emotions. 

Wow, what a deal.