Thursday, July 30, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Breaking News Everybody:
It is, as I type, 11:22 on Saturday night.
The air around me, in my present and immediate environment, surrounding my person and aura, is brisk, chipper and almost hysterically cool, due to it being the heart of winter and I not owning any form of heating.
The rest of my environment full of the noise of my washing machine on spin cycle, which is cleaning my clothes, which grew tainted from their exposure to the human world, the dirty world, the unclean coming from man's lack of grace, oh and from dirt.
My body is feeling lackadaisical and disresplendent after just completing a participation in a lukewarm shower, the result of current pipe and/or pump issues which continue to strike my building with fear and a lack of bathing satisfaction.
And it is in this state, this condition, that I bring news, news which is sure to interest almost everyone, or at LEAST no one...
Yes it's true, after long discussions, deep debate, and extraneous amounts of thought using my brain, I have officially made the following drastic and complicated decision - I am staying in for the evening.
Alright, calm the fuck down everyone.
This is obviously very new information, as recently as two hours ago I was ‘thinking of maybe going somewhere, I’m not sure where though’ and at that time, I know I speak for us all, in that we all felt comforted and reassured by that information.
It was, at the time, a clear sentiment and yet full of possibility, and even opportunity. And those are things that make almost everyone feel good, and optimistic.
Except donkey herders of course, who like their futures to be ironclad and inauspicious in promise, due to the fact that in their life a surprise is almost ALWAYS a back kicked hoof to the dick, and on the rare occasions it is not this, it’s a back kicked hoof to the vagina (not that there are many female donkey herders, only that once you’ve been kicked in the dick by a donkey a hundred plus times everything kind of turns inside out).
But the information changed, as information is want to do, that’s why they call it the information ‘age’ not the information ‘airtight zip-locked sandwich bag’ (although fun fact if you put your watch in one of those, fill it with water, zip-lock it tight, throw it in the freezer, wait six months, while never once taking your eye off the freezer, then pull it out and throw it into a bonfire, then you will have wasted a LOT of time, and a watch, and a bag of water, and a zip-lock bag, and whatever pants you’ve been peeing and shitting in for six months, oh and it seems like while you were watching the freezer some silly practical joker lit a bonfire in your house).
This new information is therefore still obviously fresh and new and recent and unexplored and uncharted, except a little bit around the edges, which is where information tends to store it’s ‘huh’ zone anyway.
So calm the fuck down. Obviously I will have more on this as more comes to hand and not one second before, or more.
Clearly this new information will not literally come to hand, who hands people information now? Get with the times you dicks!
So fucking WHAT if it's sensitive information? Just say it - 'the rash IS contagious' ok, then let me decide whether I need to say 'shush' or whether I need to say 'shhh', it's my body my choice!
That's a good catch phrase, by the way, rash societies should jump on that.
Just like the rash jumped on THEM, am I right?
No I'm not! Shame on you. Airborne rashes are no laughing matter you dicks, especially ones with the ability to 'spring', or 'launch' themselves.
Cause that involves knees, possibly even ankles, you think a rash with knees and ankles is something to laugh about?
The next step after that will be the development of hips, and possibly even thighs.
Plus, I'm gonna learn you here, some rashes are RED! You got a red thighed rash on your neck and who do you think is gonna come calling?
That's right, dermatologists.
And do you realize how hurtful it is when a dermatologist says to you 'oh that's interesting'.
I know it's interesting you dick, that's why I brought it to you, you think I'm gonna bring you an uninteresting, possibly even boring, rash?
That would make ME one of 'those' people.
And 'they' often naysay potentially exciting new space exploration projects.
'See that star, it's twinkling right now, but just twelve hours from now it may well be twinkle free, and twinkling is my preferred star condition and presentation' I'll say, to site a recent example.
'I say nay to your plan to build a rocket ship out of your old Dell, the congregation of cockroaches in your mega-roach-trap and fuel made out of sour milk, keroisine and thoughts about 'what Jack Kerouac would think about modern professional golf', I say nay all day' they responded.
What the fuck? And that's the world YOU want to live in? With roach traps un-emptied, sour milk turned clumpy and 'bout the same' unverbalized???
The point is, staying in is FUN. And it's too cold. Plus it's like 12:39 now which is too late to go anywhere anyway. So stop fucking judging me!!!
Besides you're the weirdos that wanted to know what I think about the modern world of professional rashes.
At least that's how I remember it.
Ps. 'Bout the same'.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
'Well I'm not a hundred percent sure what that is, but it sounds like a dick thing to say, and you're an ugly old fucking cow, and you can take that fucking nuns outfit and stick it up your untouched snatch'! he continued.
It turned out that his abilities to relate to different types of people, some of whom came from backgrounds and influences with vast contrasts with his own, and to express himself with respect and dignity, had perhaps not yet quite caught up with the open spirit of his new life, and maybe he had just a tad of growing still to do.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Friday, July 17, 2015
I was recently contacted by the world renown scientific organization The Society of Sciency Stuff. Obviously they need no introduction, we've all read their Nobel Prize winning research papers, and who among us doesn't spend at least an hour a day pondering just how they figured out that Black Holes may not be holes at all?? Truely marvelous stuff. And now is where the marvelous turns into the marvtacular (a word The Society of Sciency Stuff discovered!) because they sent me the following letter:
Dear Mr Tieck,
My name is Norman Farleigh, and I am the current Head of Brilliance at The Society Of Sciency Stuff. I'm sure you know who we are, EVERYONE does, but you may not know this, we also know who you are, in fact we are all MASSIVE fans of yours, and we're scientists so we know just how big 'massive' really is.
Now is where things get even more Marvelriffic (our new discovery that we're releasing to the world for the first time with THIS letter to you, congrats). We've all been consumed with love for all your books, devoured your blogs, been moved by your art and poetry, and we've collectively come to a consensus (something that actually comes easy to us, because as scientists we deal exclusively in facts) at our wonderful society we have sixteen members with Nobel Prizes, and twenty two members with, in our opinion, the equally prestigious 'Smart Things, Science and Math and Things Like That Awards'. But having broken down all of your wonderful work, and especially some of your recent scientific insight, we've made yet another amazing discovery (admittedly discovering stuff is something we do almost every day and truly excel at, but this is a particularly amazing one) we've discovered that hidden within the humor and beauty, that seemingly pours out of you both prolifically and consistently brilliantly, you also have a brilliant scientific mind. In fact probably the hundred best scientific minds in the universe are in our organization, and we think you out Science everyone of us. You truly are marveltastic.
Oh fuck, guys, guys, guys get in here, I just discovered ANOTHER ONE! Shit I left the voice dictation on.
We have an offer for you, one that we are all hoping, and even praying (something we only do when we super care about something, or occasionally while watching sports) that you'll take, we'd like to make a series of high budget, brilliantly executed videos to show off some of your scientific knowledge. Please say yes and we'll fly you to a super fancy film studio and give you vast sums of money.
Head of Brilliance
The Society of Sciency Stuff
Margaret! Can you come in here, I've finished, how do I send this thing? Also I'm still waiting for that fucking apple cider I asked for, shit I think the voice thing is still on, this technology really is Marvacinating, oh holy hell ANOTHER ONE, Norman Fairleigh, stand up you brilliant bastard, you're a discovery motherfucking MACHINE!!!!!
Wow. You get an offer like that you jump on it. So here is not one, but TWO exciting episode of my new show, as produced by the magnificent people at the world renowned The Society of Sciency Stuff, ladies and gentleman - You've Been Scienced!