Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A beautiful opportunity for us all

I feel like it's been days since I last bought a product that ended up totally failing to do what it promised, but then when I got mad and hurled the item at the wall smashing to bits it's cheap plastic exterior, I discovered that it's insides were made of pure diamondgold. Maybe even weeks! What the fuck is going on? 

You know what, I blame modern science, so scared to cross breed stuff these days, so what, when they Crossbred Southern Blue Fin Tuna and Chimpanzees back in the 1940s and the resulting Chimpunas ended up taking film roles that had previously gone to dogs, and the dog Union sued, claiming they had more right to be 'the cute loyal sidekick' as they'd 'existed longer' which really pissed off a few of the people trying to get 'television' off the ground - 'so how long you've existed suddenly matters' - I'm sure you all remember the protest signs read.

And then obviously the Chimpunas got some flack for refusing to elect a strong leader capable of expressing the Chimpunas point of view and feelings on the whole matter, leading some commentators to argue that 'a morally weak new species shouldn't be allowed to stay' which just exasperated the underground smear campaigns that had begun on all sides, and ultimately the the Chimpunas made a brave yet heartbreaking decision to as a species decide to no longer breed and let their kind die out on their own terms, leading the scientist who had originally paid a Chimp fifty bucks to fuck a fish to think it had been a waste of money. But that's no reason not to try again people!!! 

It's not like the Chimpunas were a total failure, we all still have favorite movies with them as the handsome rugged star's pet and proof of a softer side. And out of only a hundred or so ever sold as pets, THREE, of their owners ended up dedicating novels to their Chimpunas. Sure they were only EVER sold to artists, writers, actors and models, in what became a controversial program of selective selling in hope of encouraging their use and presence in pop-culture to drive up both demand and prices, but guerrilla marketing was in its infancy back then, and people didn't know that what's a fad among pop-stars and socialites today always ultimately results in a backlash, and eventually what's become known as 'stamping the tramp' when a fad jumps the shark, with popularity turning to scorn and ridicule. But again this is no reason not to try again. 

And yes, it turned out that just before Chimpunas died they were strangely wired to go on a rampage, or 'death march' as the media typically reported it, which often included bizarre deep sea fishing trips followed by attempts to open sushi restaurants  deep in The Congo jungle, which completely baffled zoologists, but people forget, these restaurants failed not because of a lack of effort on behalf of the Chimpunas, but mostly because of an utterly unpredictable struggle to balance traditional Japanese food preparation methods and African jungle parasite control. And people also forget that these 'failures' were regularly sited as to have 'directly influenced and inspired' Nitishi 'The Emperor' Nitashi to launch 'Elephant Tusk Sushi', which was the world's number ONE African Jungle themed sushi chain from conception right up to the release of the Time Magazine expose which revealed both that how exactly The Emperor sourced the signature elephant tusks that adorned all forty two hundred of his resteraunts (including his sixteen hundred odd franchises) and also that part of his 'secret soy recipe' was in fact the African parasites all his loyal customers had just foolishly 'assumed' he'd managed to eradicate. But again, this can hardly be blamed on the Chimpunas. 

Well I say if the scientists have backed off this new potentially beautiful cross breeding opportunity then it's up to us civilians to take it on, so if you own some gold and some diamonds at home, don't leave it up to science, start your own cross breeding program, and I'll tell you what, promise me the first litter and I'll totally fork out the required fifty bucks to get them to fuck. 

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