Friday, January 4, 2019

Fun fact

Fun fact: or as I prefer to say...

Enjoyment Truth: because enjoying stuff is rad, and every bit as good as having fun, and truth is like a fact that is real! And enjoying a fact that turns out to be real, means your enjoyment is real, and when your enjoyment is real, then dude, now we’re having fun. And who doesn’t want more fun? 

So hell yeah - here’s an enjoyment truth that will blow your mind: ready?

I bet ‘Sorry I’ve blanked on your name’ - would be a badass NAME to have! 


Now THAT was enjoyment truth that shits all over fun and factual shit. 

Cause think about it. Every single time there was an awkward running into of two acquaintances YOU would be the star of the show. 


Because they’d be all like ‘sorry I’ve blanked on your name’ 

And EVERYONE has awkward running intos with acquaintances from time to time. EVERYONE. 

That’s means. Yes yes. I know some of you are getting it already. Congrats if you’re one of them... but don’t feel bad if your not, even I’m not, and I’m writing this...

But that means 

EVERYONE will be talking about YOU (at least occasionally, in situations which are awkward).



Now you’re not just tasting success, but you ARE success. 

And I know what you’re thinking. ‘If I want to BE success, why don’t I just name myself ‘success’. 

Well I’ll give you three reasons why.

1. You don’t name yourself, your parents do.
2. You think everyone is talking about success? Ha ha. Hello Mr or Mrs Naive
3. Yep, that’s right, I just named you Mr or Mrs Naive. That’s your name now. Cause that’s how naming people works. 
4. What’s success if you can’t taste it, and if you’re tasting yourself you’re just a normal person, because your mouth is FULL of you. So yeah, if you’re tasting the yourself you’re just a filthy norm. And who wants to be a filthy norm? I wouldn’t even want to be a clean norm. And the only way to take a filthy norm and turn them into a clean norm is to douse them in monkey urine. And do you know how they acquire monkey urine? With a spatula. Um ‘spat’. Um ‘ula’. Um Gross. 
5. Except me. I want to be normal. And I think I’ve proven my normality with this blog.
6. I might even be the worlds MOST unique normal dude. 
7. Fuck yeah! 

So to sum up. Have you just been born or are thinking of being born soon? 

If so make sure to have your parents name you ‘sorry I’ve blanked on your name’. 

It’d be rad. 

The middle name and/ or surname are irrelevant by the way. Although I recommend ‘Meredith’, ‘Drew’, or ‘Queen of Scots’ for both. Depending on your feelings about Scots. And how you think you’d feel about Drew Barrymore marrying the fictional character Nancy Drews. Personally I’m all for it. But I’m just me. Well 99.9234% me, and 0.2145% the worlds leading mathematician. Obviously. 

Also if you know what success tastes like, can you please describe it for me, I’m thinking of starting a lollipop company, and I bet if we had that flavor we’d be rocking in no time! And by rocking I mean ‘enjoying truth’ and wow, that a fun fact I could take to the bank! (Or ATM, depending on YOUR definition of fun :) 

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Highway Robbery - A Poem

Here’s a poem. Which is awesome. Because poems are literature. Which is a word meaning ‘literally words’. And almost everything truly great ever said ever was said in words. Except all those rad speeches made by Mumbler The Great of Macedonia. Who everyone found super motivational, until the one day someone finally stood up and said ‘I’ll say it, I don’t know what he’s saying, do you?’ And everyone in the room let out a huge sigh of relief, followed by ‘I thought I was the only one’ collectively sighed by all present. And it was ON that bubble of air formed from that very collective sigh, that the first Hot Air ballon managed to reach the stratosphere for the first time, killing all on board, cause oxygen tanks hadn’t been invented yet. But it was those hero’s accidental death that in part LED to the invention of oxygen tanks. Yes. All because of words. 

Highway Robbery - A Poem 

Samantha, a future actuary, was literally born DURING a highway robbery. 
‘This is highway robbery’ yelled Samantha immediately after taking stock of the situation. 
‘Woah’ Said the highway robbers, well ghapsed, well, no that’s not right either. Um collectively sighed? No. They ‘woah’d’. That’s what you do when you woah. Why doesn’t that word properly exist yet literature? You dick. Well I’m making it happen. 
‘Woah’ they woah’d. Kapow!
As they lowered their guns.
And climbed off their horses.
‘She was just born this moment and she can already talk?’ They said in deep southern drawls. Southern being the most popular drawl of the era. Although apparently it would soon be misused in Macedonia for speeches. Which is why drawling is no longer popular now. 
‘You can have her for 10 gold bars’ replied Samantha’s mother. 
‘10 gold bars!’ They yelled, I mean drawled, loudly. 
‘TEN gold bars?’ They reintegrated. Having forgotten the word ‘reiterated’ momentarily.
‘Why that’s god damn a regular back road fair price!’ replied the highway robbers. 

It was an unsatisfactory conclusion for word play lovers everywhere. Some were so mad they called this whole endeavor highway robbery! Kapow! 

The end 

Thank you words.