Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Lessons from quotes

'R2D2 more like Right To Do You, am I right?' - guy who says stuff with sexual subtext that's sort of sexy but not quite enough to actually be sexy

'Potato, more like - poo NATO' -treasonairre

'Wish you were here' - guy who would probably waste wishes should he ever find a genie 

'Bluggggaloooppply' guy who thinks he is good at coining words yet actually PEAKED at 'treasonaire'

'Dave' - guy who always thinks all quotes come from 'guys'

'Fuck off, I was trying to follow a pattern' Dave, the idiot from above 

'I didn't say that' guy who said that 

'If you're so smart how come you forgot dashes for a while' - guy who forgot -'s for a while but then thought compensating for that by writing 'dashes' was compensational

'Compensational - that's a good one right' - that word coining guy from above 

'This started out as an attempt to write a 140 character tweet, can you end it please' - tired author of this 

'No' - lazy retort by same author too lazy to earn drama

'Please?' - an often misused word

'R2D or something, who cares about the ending' - Dave

'Fuck off, you treasonairre, I will not stop till this is perfec' - guy who thinks missing the final 't' makes it seem like he purposely on accident finished mid word

'Dashes are fun' - - - - - - 'Yay'

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Lessons from a long journey

The journey being the long one I took from La to Sydney in the past 24 hours, and the lessons being these points I list now:

- Virgin Australia mastered how to take someone's long held customer loyalty and shove it up their arss
- 'lots of venom' - hopefully how the teenagers who were all on the same sport team on the plane play their indeterminate sport or else all their hoodies are liars
- one immensely delightful staff member at Delta doesn't make up for one dispicabley rude staff member at Delta
- when you're running late the word 'Indy' sounds like 'Sydney' and can make people going to Indianapolis miss their flight
- if your job is to go and find people going to Indianapolis and in danger of missing their flight and instead you yell out 'anyone going to Indy come with me' - you're probably bad at your job
- don't get the chicken on Delta flights
- teenagers are way less self conscious than me about making others stand up so they can pee
- teenagers probably have healthier kidneys than me
- old Asian guy next to me forgot to hit pause and missed the end of his movie and found it so hilarious he had to get my attention - we should all learn a lesson from that
- I can burst from a nightmare extravagantly and have no one notice
- having one really drippy nostril and one totally dry is weird
- bursting from a nightmare with a drippy nostril is messy
- a white sweater doesn't look good with yellow snot stains
- when the white sweater was a Xmas present that you really like, getting yellow snot on it isn't joyful
- 'give me the whole can you bitch' is something I would never say
- sometimes things I would never say are things I'd occasionally think, especially when I didn't get a mere whole freaking can
- I mean seriously, other people got full cans
- stupid delta
- it's all virgins fault
- I'm far too tired to edit this into something as coherent and poetic as my average post
- It's all Virgin's fault

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's all happening

- My new book, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, is getting closer and closer to release date - I have even seen a digital version of it, and it's awesome, so look forward to that.
- Because of this, as a super special treat, I have now made my last book just 99c on kindle
- That's just 77 British Pence 
- You can find it here:

- Also don't forget that if you have an iphone, an ipad, macbook, and probably all the equivalents on android and PC you can download a kindle APP for free!!!! You can end up with hundreds of books on your phone or computer, even if they're not mine I highly recommend this, reading is totally fun you guys
- I wrote a blog about leaves today, but I wrote it with pencil, which means I need to type it up - stay tuned
- My soccer team is doing really shit which is making me hate sport again and focus back on arts
- Anne Hathaway accidentally showed her vagina
- People have actually been voting on what book I should publish next - thanks you awesome people
- I am really, really tired
- Seriously, her vagina!

There is probably even more awesome stuff, so enjoy life people, yaaaayyyy

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A Xmas conspiracy

'Hes making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna FIND OUT who's naughty and nice'

Find out? FIND OUT? Who are these faceless minions doing this research into our behavior and how does Santa know he can trust them?

Also 'you better not cry' - so if your mom is killed by a serial killer and you cry a bit, no presents? What?

Fun Dave Fact: it's me who is the faceless minion, and I'm getting in the spirit this year :) Yaaaaaay.

Fun Santa fact: he hates liars

Fun tennis fact: Some strings are made from synthetic cat gut

Fun serial killer fact: they really just want hugs

Fun Find Out fact: you can find out just about anything! That's so fun!

Fun Dave fact: naughty is fun too, yaaay, presents for all!!!!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Beard bald spot

My long lost 1st ever attempt at a YouTube video has been found! I recommend mixing things up and ahhing before you ooh