True Greatness

Here at David Tieck and his Fleeting Forever we like to celebrate greatness. For example I myself am great at many things, including but not limited to:

- Friendship.

- Getting popcorn bits stuck in my gums.

- Longing for things.

- Recognizing whether or not my diet is healthy.

- Wrapping trees in imaginary ski outfits.

- Knowing the PERFECT times to shout 'that's a smart as giving a bulldozer to a seahorse'.

- Reconstructive criticism. 

- Being the only person at a party not temped to steal the coffee table book on erotic bakery.

- Crime solving. 

- Being one of the prettiest men at an average looking man convention.

- Modesty.

- Truthful list making. 

But the thing with greatness is that for the most part you have to actively participate in something before you know for sure you are great at it. The problem of course is that this leaves out in the cold all of the things you're great at that you've never actually done. I don't think this fair.

I for example have never actively worked in the pursuit and capture of serial killers, but I'm great at it. 

Here are some of my basic instincts to solving one of these cases, things that even the best criminal minds working in law enforcement have probably never even thought of:

- I would assume at the start of my investigation that in most serial killer situations that the murderer is normally someone who knows the victim and has a vendetta against them or alternatively someone who doesn't know them at all. 

- This would allow me to narrow the field down to get to brass knuckles and attack the status quo with a fresh canvas.

- I mean the killer is probably rarely people who genuinely know and adore the victim, unless they can maintain that AND sadistic and psychotic fantasies - but in my experience most people aren't good at hiding their secret desires.

- I mean look at Tiger woods - he secretly wanted to be good at golf - but he couldn't keep it a secret, because golf courses aren't open at night. 

- BUT, even though it now seems obvious, Tiger Woods almost never turns out the be the killer.

- So I'd probably only accuse him on one in every twelve cases or so, that way he wouldn't get suspicious of me being suspicious of him. 

- Plus after accusing him of one of the killings, if by chance he got off, after the trial I would say 'hey any chance you get give me some pointers on my swing?' Even though I no longer actually play golf. That way he'd think we are now buddies and he'd quickly trust me again.

- If my boss would ever be like 'good work Murphy' 

I'd be like 'nah it's Dave, not Murphy' And they'd be like 'it is, we've been trying to figure out your name for months, but you solved it just like that, you're a true wizard'.

- But if Tiger Woods ever said to me 'Good work Murphy' 

I'd be like 'Thanks'.

That way if someone told him 'some guy named Dave was over collecting DNA samples' he wouldn't worry that it was the cops, cause he'd think I was named Murphy. 

- I'd mostly chase after series killers who weren't bald, because they leave more hair lying around.

Yep, I'm kick ass at solving crimes by serial killers. Great at it even. What are you great at that you've never tried? Just don't say 'giving bulldozers to seahorses' cause I tried that once, it turns out it's not smart! 

Little known facts about Tiger Woods

If you spell check his name backwards it spells 'regret dope' which is a clear admission of a past heroin addiction (please ignore the fact that regit does not spell check to regret, but it damn god should)

His agents are working on a deal with the tabloids that if they agree to say they have made all this scandal up he'll agree to be castrated and play the next Masters with his testicles as his golf balls

He has three pet camels

If you spell check his name backwards it spells legit dope, which in his mind makes him feel he is the 'reverse' of a dope

He'll only play on golf courses with 'green' grass continuing golfs cruel tradition of prejudice against purple grass

During a tournament last year his caddie asked him 'which wood would mr woods like to tee off with' and Tiger repeated 'which wood would mr woods' over and over again, laughing and laughing, then he raped a spectator in the adjacent woods

He once completed a round of putt putt golf in 27 shots using his dick for a putter

He nick-named himself tiger when as a kid he he did a poo full of carrot bits, 'orange and brown, thats cool, like a tiger' he exclaimed at the time

Everytime he gets into a golf cart with someone new he says the joke 'is this cart small, or are we just giants' and he never cares that people never laugh

He only turned to golf after discovering that catching flys and picking their wings off is not a proffesional sport

After winning all the golf majors he now dreams of obtaining all the major STDs

He only cheats when he has had too much Coors Light

_____

I know what your thinking, whats wrong with Tiger having three pet camels?

Well I'm going to answer this one in ART form, why? Cause sometimes I make attempts at art when I've been drinking, hell yeah, thats why