Sunday, June 28, 2015
Here at David Tieck and his Fleeting Forever we like to celebrate greatness. For example I myself am great at many things, including but not limited to:
- Getting popcorn bits stuck in my gums.
- Longing for things.
- Recognizing whether or not my diet is healthy.
- Wrapping trees in imaginary ski outfits.
- Knowing the PERFECT times to shout 'that's a smart as giving a bulldozer to a seahorse'.
- Reconstructive criticism.
- Being the only person at a party not temped to steal the coffee table book on erotic bakery.
- Crime solving.
- Being one of the prettiest men at an average looking man convention.
- Truthful list making.
But the thing with greatness is that for the most part you have to actively participate in something before you know for sure you are great at it. The problem of course is that this leaves out in the cold all of the things you're great at that you've never actually done. I don't think this fair.
I for example have never actively worked in the pursuit and capture of serial killers, but I'm great at it.
Here are some of my basic instincts to solving one of these cases, things that even the best criminal minds working in law enforcement have probably never even thought of:
- I would assume at the start of my investigation that in most serial killer situations that the murderer is normally someone who knows the victim and has a vendetta against them or alternatively someone who doesn't know them at all.
- This would allow me to narrow the field down to get to brass knuckles and attack the status quo with a fresh canvas.
- I mean the killer is probably rarely people who genuinely know and adore the victim, unless they can maintain that AND sadistic and psychotic fantasies - but in my experience most people aren't good at hiding their secret desires.
- I mean look at Tiger woods - he secretly wanted to be good at golf - but he couldn't keep it a secret, because golf courses aren't open at night.
- BUT, even though it now seems obvious, Tiger Woods almost never turns out the be the killer.
- So I'd probably only accuse him on one in every twelve cases or so, that way he wouldn't get suspicious of me being suspicious of him.
- Plus after accusing him of one of the killings, if by chance he got off, after the trial I would say 'hey any chance you get give me some pointers on my swing?' Even though I no longer actually play golf. That way he'd think we are now buddies and he'd quickly trust me again.
- If my boss would ever be like 'good work Murphy'
I'd be like 'nah it's Dave, not Murphy' And they'd be like 'it is, we've been trying to figure out your name for months, but you solved it just like that, you're a true wizard'.
- But if Tiger Woods ever said to me 'Good work Murphy'
I'd be like 'Thanks'.
That way if someone told him 'some guy named Dave was over collecting DNA samples' he wouldn't worry that it was the cops, cause he'd think I was named Murphy.
- I'd mostly chase after series killers who weren't bald, because they leave more hair lying around.
Yep, I'm kick ass at solving crimes by serial killers. Great at it even. What are you great at that you've never tried? Just don't say 'giving bulldozers to seahorses' cause I tried that once, it turns out it's not smart!