Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A message from a wonderful angel, awwww






Hello everybody, Its the angel of Kurt Cobain here, and I am SO SO SO excited to be back on earth, it is wonderful to see everyone, you all look so good and happy, wow, I am really please. Still I've got to tell you heaven is AWESOME!!!!!! I mean simply wonderful, the people are super friendly, the bleach in your hair grows out, the holes in your jeans magically fix themselves, and everyone speaks in an Australian accent, so everyone sounds so cool. Yay, so fun. It makes me smile just to think about it :) :) :) :) yay :)

Now that I have said that, I have unfortunately been brought here to talk to you about something very sad, and that is of course Charlie Sheens unfortunate arrest for abusing his wife, it what it seems was a case of both falling off the alcohol wagon. It is so sad when people succumb to this horrible disease known as alcoholism. Charlie don't you know, alcohol is full of nasty calories, often makes you snack on fatty foods which will clearly lead to need many more hours in the Gym, yes I know, that could make anyone angry, the gym is not a fun place at all, so violence does often end up being a result. It is so very sad.

The answer Mr Sheen is of course a wonderful alternative known as Heroin. Heroin makes all your naughty naughty angry drift away and also helps you keep skinny. Its wonderful!!

Maybe it would help if I told you a little more about my silly little path to heroin. I never did drugs but then people told me I wouldn't be cool if I didn't do drugs, so I started to pretend to do them, but then pretending got harder to maintain because you never know if people are just pretending to not notice your pretending which can make you paranoid, so then for a while I started doing them but pretended I didn't but I didn't like doing them and seeing as I was pretending I wasn't doing them it all felt a little pointless. So I went back to pretending I did them while pretending I enjoyed them meanwhile being paranoid all this pretending had gotten way out of hand.

I was in a no mans land of pretend and perplexity but then something fortuitous happened and I was randomly shot in the face with a shotgun and the doctor I was rushed to, turned out not to work in a hospital but rather the alley behind the rock club I was shot in, and he was less of a doctor and more of a heroin dealer. He said he could take my pain away in just moments. Seeing as my face was bleeding from numerous bullet fragment related wounds all over my face the doctor felt the quickest way to administer my medicine was to drip liquid heroin on his tongue and spit it in my face.

I never did like the drugs, but the feeling of the spit in the face was really soothing to my wounds, and I was instantly hooked. There was never any need to pretend anymore, I dove head deep into a permanent pattern of having people shoot me in the face and then spit on the wounds with heroin spit. It was heaven and trust me I have been to real heaven and heroin spat in gunshot wound heave, and they are both amazingly wonderful. Soon I discovered that I could shoot myself in the face and spit in my own face if I looked towards the ceiling and spitting and letting it fall on me. Oh my god was it good.

Eventually someone pointed out to me that shooting yourself in the face was dangerous, and doing heroin was dangerous, but shooting yourself in the face AND spitting heroin in your face wounds was just madness. So I joined shooting yourself in the face and having heroin spat in the wounds anonymous and got off the habit for a while.

Eventually I realized I was only pretending to not want to shoot myself in the face and spit heroin in my face, so I fell off the wagon, and I was out of practice so I accidentally shot my brain and died. Damn it, and people call it suicide or whatever, but it was just a mistake, I hate how they remember you wrong, but don't worry, up in heaven there is no hate, so everything is wonderful. Yay.

So I hope that helps you Charlie and everyone else, now I am going to go hang out with my beloved for a while before going all the way back up into the sky world, have I mentioned yet its awesome up there!!! I can't wait to see you up there. Bye bye. Yay :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)





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Monday, December 28, 2009

My morning so far

I woke up on the right side of bed, but my bed was on the wrong side of the room, and my walls

had been wallpapered with images of leaves, as it turns out the sleep walking version of me is an

interior decorator! This scared me for a moment until I realised its better to be a sleep walking

decorator than being a sleep walking genital mutilator, and that cheered me up so I got out of

bed.


I made the bed, because I am a sucker for useless chores, and then I got dressed and went outside where there was a man on the street eating a bowl of cornflakes. I said “hey man don’t you know cornflakes were originally designed to curtail masturbation?” and he replied “Well do you see me masturbating?” and I looked down at him and realized this guy had three arms, and with his third arm you’re god damn right he was jerking it, so I said a jealous “touchĂ©” and shook his hand and I walked away.


Up the street I ran into a kitten and a puppy but I wasn't sure if the noise I made was an aawww or an eeewww, because the kitten was pooping on a sunflower and the puppy was urinating on a teddy bear, so I said aaaweeawwwaeeewwaa and walked away so confused I had to stop for a hot dog wrapped in pizza, now my pants feel tight, thanks a fucking lot kitten and puppy


Suddenly I was abducted by a scientist who shrunk me to a miniature size and injected me into a mans bladder allowing me a magical journey out of his penis,
it was a lot of fun but when the scientist brought me back to full size and I complained that she hooked me up with a penis and not a vagina the scientists got angry and she said 'women don't urinate out of their vaginas, it comes out there urethra you tool' I said 'hmmm I feel like LICKING your urethra' and then she kicked me out for some reason


I was so upset that I was cornered into coming up with the following names for my new band (that I have been trying to start for about six years, I'm still the only member, maybe the problem is me?)


Craving and enslaving

Desperate delusion face

Simply people not monkeys, people damn it

Naively unaware trash can lids

Blissfully insane blankets

The lives we touched (not in a pedophile way)

A last time together as friends (if I do something really weird so you leave me)

Deliriously deluded and other D words, Dangerous for example

Hysterically serene or is it serenely hysterical?

Cocky and insecure (wait is that possible)

The trials and tribulations of having a great ass & the adventures of Johnny Muttugalot

Over-thinkers anonymous is not a real place, yet

The smart idiot in the room (clue: not the drummer)

If the twist top exists why not use it (and other poor use of technology)

The horny corpse

Uniquely the same (like cake and muffins - not muffin tops, they're ugly)

Dave Jetlag Tieck and the half naked flight attendants


Then I thought, I'm thirsty, so I stopped for a Diet Dr Pepper and wondered what would happen in the afternoon

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The big moments of 2010-2020!!!!!!!

With the end of the decade everyone is talking about the big moments of the past ten years, but that's boring, thats just talking about stuff thats already happened. Luckily I am one of those fortunate few who know what is YET to happen.

Here are some highlights of the next decade

People no longer run off to join the circus, now the circus comes home with its tail between its legs in hope of joining you

A new music trend called 'shunderling' has swept the world.Parents don't get it & Kanye West still hasn't made any unique or interesting music

People have finally tuned into how birds really eat, now when we feed ducks we vomit in their mouths

Sex robots came and went, but sex milkshakes took off big time. People are now fat and satisfied

People no longer rake leaves after it was discovered you can train dogs to eat them, now people just rake dog poo

Skydiving and squashing bugs have been combined into a hugely popular yet very bloody sport

The fashion trend to wear clothes quite wrinkled has come and if this one ends there's going to be murder sprees

There are no longer people who we consider to be fat, because we're all fat, there are less people injured from sex though

People have gotten realistic, we now have dessert first then ask if anyone has room for salad

The town drunk is once again an admired member of society, unfortunately there's a really long waiting list for the position

Carrots have finally taken the lead in their 30 year battle to be the most chipped vegetable

A man celebrated being the ultimate winner at a cockroach eating contest when he quit before starting

There's now a third number to consider when your going to the toilet. Number 3 - when you diarrhea out your bellybutton

Frogs staged an unsuccessful revolution inspired by frustration over human drinks hogging all the tiny umbrellas

Curtains have been renamed 'cruelty to peeping tom sheets' and we're all much happier because of it

Its going to be one hell of a decade, hope you're looking forward to it!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Careful what your xmas present really says!

Thanks Dad, great Christmas present, ok what’s next, oh this one is from my beautiful wife Stephanie, oh its heavy, wowser, what is it? Oh my god a bowling ball!!!! Awesome!


Does this mean what I think it means? That you want me to go out with the boys, drinking and having fun without a care in the world while you stay home and do all of the housework no matter how much of it was mess that I created sometimes seemingly in defiance of the laws of physicals, like that poop stain on the roof of the garage, that’s so great.


Does this signify that you want me to spend quality time bonding with the guys while you do my laundry and cook my dinner even though I’ll probably eat at the bowling alley so you’ll end up serving it on the table for nothing, and then you’ll have to put into Tupperware, and then when I come home late and drunk I’ll make you reheat it for me, so I can have it as a late night snack, but then I will have had so much to drink that I’ll end up puking it in bed while lying next to you, and you won’t notice, so you’ll lie around in it for a few hours, letting it seep into your pores so you’ll smell of my vomit for the next few weeks, that’s so nice of you.


Does this imply that if I am going to flirt with a lady you’re now more than happy for it to be that hot waitress at the bowling alley that you got mad at me for looking down the top of her shirt to look at her boobs which are, lets say, much more ample than yours, and that now while I do that you’ll stay home scrub the toilet, even though this will only amplify how sore and saggy yours have become since you breast fed our babies and that in reality I will probably always think of her breasts every time we make love from now on, that so generous of you.


Does this connote that if I get drunk and start acting inappropriate and grabbing boobs you’d like them to be hers, and that if she likes it then who is getting hurt, because after all you were the one who sent me to the bowling alley to begin with, knowing that she would be there, and therefore if she invites me into the staff locker room so she can show me what they look like when taken out of her bra, and maybe what there feel like when I put my face between them and make horse noises, and that if she then suddenly takes off my pants and says ‘do me like you’ve never done your wife, so that I’ll end up doing her analy which you’ve never let me do with you, so that for ever more my most memorable sexual experience will be with her and not with you, while you stay home and clean off the many, many boogers I picked out and stuck under the coffee table because I was always too lazy to walk two steps to get a tissue, thanks so much, this is the best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!

Consider the dictionary now FIXED

I am horribly dyslexic, prone to writing in an insomnatic (coined by Dave, yell yeah) haze of half sleep, and even occasionally with more than the recommended amount of alcohol in ones system suggested by the world society of English excellence, who are dedicated to making sure people use English to its best possible uses (they recommend one glass of red wine followed by a shot of Methylated Spirits to be the ideal amount of alcohol to write great Shakespearesq incest stories or to die in a gutter outside a linen store). I also think fast and type fast but not quite fast enough to keep up with my racing brain. I'm also a really lazy editur (Check that out, ,that ones on purpose, so its funny?).

The point is I am a fucking awful speller, and break every rule of English and grammar in just about every thing I ever fucking write. (See heading of my blog of two days ago - its 'know' not 'now' you fucking tool!!!!)

This is where I get miffed, I know me write bad sometimes, sometimes even on purpose, as much as my use of language is flawed I also really enjoy playing with it. My novels are all written in the first person, and my characters are often uneducated and mentally ill, and its hell yeah fun to figure out how these people would talk and write, and purposely playing with those errors (this makes literary agents think YOU'RE mental ill and uneducated - its called character you tools, have an open mind). Still a pet hate of mine in the blog world, and it really doesn't happen to me all that often (my readers are lovely people :) is people who don't like someones opinion but have no ability to form a well thought out counter argument so who will then instead respond with something like - "Your fucked, and its you're not your learn to spell you tool". Thanks prick.

I do understand that it's better to get these things write (I still fuck those to around, and I'm a righter, maybe I am mentally ill) for the most part, what I don't understand is how anyone can have a life so perfect that their big gripe at any point in time is the poor use of apostrophes!

"Just when my life was wonderful you come along and ruin it 'YOU'RE' an asshole"
"No good sir, 'your' letting a little dash make you mad, if if something so minor can irritate you then you should be put in prison before you stab a 7/11 clerk for fucking up your change'!

Ok get off your fucking pony Dave, this was supposed to be a funny blog.

Ok, time to fix the dictionary. And there is one place where this must begin.

Take a knee team. We need to talk. It seems some of you have been misinterpreting what your coach here means when he tells you that there is no 'I' in team. I was giving you all a lesson in teamwork on the field and then some of you stopped coming to practice and when I asked you why you would say to me 'because you told me I was not in the team'. That's not what I meant at all. But just to make things a little easier why don't I go ahead an make an amendment to the dictionary, from now on there IS an 'I' in team. Ok? So you are all in the team.

Oh fuck. It just occurred to me that I just said 'you' are in the team, but there IS NO 'u' in team, and I feel that might confuse a few of you, so let me just whack a u in there, so we can all now agree that we're all in the team.

Fuck me dead. There is no 'we're' in team. Well I don't care how pissed off Webster gets at me, I am whacking a we're in there. And you know what, lets get a 'me' in there too, who knows, are some of you going 'coach what about me, am me in the team', well you're goddamn right me is.

Anyway time to hit the field boys, but first, on the count of three, one, two, three goooooooooooo teiwe'reumeam!!!!!!!!!!!


So there you go everyone, first step of fixing the dictionary - DONE. Getting rid of annoying cliches like 'there is no I in team'. See how this is done.


I'm going to assume that a world wide movement just this moment begun to fix the rest of these quibbles. So step two in fixing the dictionary - DONE. Starting a world wide movement to re-spell words so people can't use them to make annoying cliche points.


And amazingly we're already up to step three, and the FINAL step. Wow, this was easier than I thought.

Here it is, once step one and step two are complete, there will still be a few annoying errors in the dictionary, this is because the dictionary was written a long time ago, in very different times, by a bunch of randomly selected people, who were incapable of figuring out the true influence and chaos of their choices, who were frankly at least occasionally a little retarded or mentally ill. Unfortunately some people worship these past word guys as some sort of ancient gods not to be questioned at anytime. I mean seriously - to, two & too, there, their and they're, live as in to be alive, and live as in happening right now, and live as in on a stage in front of you, by and bye, hi and high, lie and the other lie, this is the work of people either messed in the head, or seriously didn't think the world would take their joke seriously.


So next time someone complains to you about a tiny error in your writing let them know that their ability to be upset over something ultimately inconsequential makes you want to stab them in the face. While they are figuring out just how serious you are, remind them that this is an old book which is in dire need of a modern update with practicality and rationality as number one priority, and that their NAZI (God I hate people using that word for anything other than the Hitler NAZIs, fashion NAZI, spelling NAZI - fuck off) like obsession with following an ancient deeply flawed document is akin to someone refusing to accept all medical knowledge acquired in the past 200 years.


If they still want to complain about your use of 'your' instead of 'you're' then ACTUALLY stab them in the face, and instead of taking them to the doctor hand them a bowl of leeches.

Dictionary - FIXED!!! Hell yeah. Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck strikes again.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Only magical tennis rackets shit in the woods - and stuff


Hell yeah wowser,

Some good stuff

I've been entering this myspace weekly photography competition and only a couple of times in and I fucking won one. Yay to me.

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=380097744&blogId=522965139

I've been accepted into an exclusive acting school in Los Angeles and assuming I can get my student visa all worked out (big assumption, I also 'assume' I'll write a book that outsells the bible one day, assumptions are fun!) I'll be coming back to La La land soon.

Assuming that these assumptions are acceptable to the admitting authorities I will soon be back hosting my show at IO Went in Hollywood, Ok Intriguing.

http://west.ioimprov.com/io/shows/1029

And assuming that I can keep building this wonderful show from its humble beginnings into a comedic and artistic masterpiece of excellence that people love so much it changes you know something or whatever (or just because I can't help doing these things), I am going to launch the Ok, Intriguing online talk show really soon (as I alluded to in an earlier blog). One of my co-hosts will be the beautiful and talented Jacqueline Beaulieu

http://www.myspace.com/jacquelinebeaulieu

Check out some stuff we've done

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XylIhoUPgq4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIrnJmKP50

I'm still looking for a nut job crazy person to be involved as well, so keep those nominations coming in. (Tila Tequila still hasn't emailed me :( )

It looks like I might also get to be a part of this awesome girls radio show soon, I'll keep you posted, but add her up

http://www.myspace.com/alienkismet

I got an email from Myspace today saying they had removed one of my photos and if I keep up my shenanigans they may delete me. I can't even fathom what photo they didn't like, I think I barely showed even man nipple, and no violence or images of kids or anything, and I haven't even uploaded any pics recently. But anyway, should I be deleted I'll probably rebuild here

http://www.myspace.com/manandthecity

(also duck into the archives of that blog, I wrote tonnes of stuff over there, much of it I would probably horrify me, to know I thought those ways at times, so feel free to point some embarrassing stuff out to me)

I might even build over here

http://www.myspace.com/Rainy_Dave

Or I may start a new profile called 'why did I start so many fucking profiles'

I would be tempted to build here

http://www.myspace.com/randomimpishrain

But I started that profile while drunk a few weeks back to work on my alter-ego Random Impish Rain, the nutbar rock star, but I can't freaking remember the log in details, I think I might have opened a new email account, but with who or what I have no ideas. Fuck!

I still think the closest to an offensive photo I have is this one. And mother nature made him, in all his gloryness! (If I spell check that is suggestions gloominess - proof spell check is a pessimistic prick) Actually when I got the note a photo was offensive I just assumed that this was the photo that was removed and before I even checked I was fuming at myspace for removing a photo of a rock. Turns out I was harshly jumping to conclusions, it was probably just my face they didn't like.






Oh speaking of which, I got those glasses things yesterday, only 15 years after I first started needing them. Are you supposed to feel like you're stuck in some sort of wonky circus mirror looking through these?




Also Brittany Murphy died today, its the first time a celebrity has died that I genuinely hoped to sleep with one day, I feel wrong thinking that today, but then again she'd want to be remembered as a hottie right?

A lesson you all already now (or your parents should be in jail)

I know, its ironic isn't it? The inventor of the 'bed' was NOT a lazy guy at all. CLEARLY I am serious.

"Dad, I am tired, but sleeping on the dirty rock hard floor is uncomfortable wah wah wah"
"Shut up you little shit, I didn't have kids to listen to whining all the time, if you want to sleep on something more comfortable than the floor then fucking invent something more comfortable you fucking lazy fucking shit"

I don't know why I am writing this dialogue, we all know the story right? The great, legendary story of the invention of the bed, as passed from generation to generation since the bed was invented in 1972. (I don't know why people get so excited about the free love fuck fest of the 60s, fucking not in a bed, no THANK you!!!!)

Really.

Really.

Some of you don't know this story? Well ok, I'll continue, but instead of reading on you should really have your parents arrested for negligence for not sharing this story with you.

"ok I will" said the whiny uncomfortable boy (at the time more to prove his asshole father wrong, that he wasn't lazy, rather than to invent a wonderfully delightful way to sleep, well a thing to sleep ON anyway)

That's the end of the story, now I feel like I should just have finished in the beginning.

And so the bed was invented, and my god hell yeah did this invention sweep the world.

"You mean I don't have to sleep on concrete anymore?"
"There is a soft thing I can sleep on now?"
"Bed as in the opposite of ded, sounds like the opposite of horrible"

So the commercials chanted, with cheesy actors failing to convince even the retards that this was their words and not the words of an uneducated copy writer, but we still bought beds, hell yeah we did, and we loved their comphy beautiful heavenlyness comfortablenesslyness.

Within a yeah earth had been re-named. We now lived on Bedland, where lots of people slept on beds.

"Bedariffic" was something no one said at the time, but as I am sure you know, years later, EVERYONE claimed to have said life was "bederiffic" in bedland". Even people who weren't alive when earth was named bedland. Those lying fucks.

I am glad you all know the story, or else I just gave a little spoiler, that's right, bedland didn't last. As you know, only six years after the invention and embration and proliferation of beds to such an extent that world peace was declared and as a new union of acceptance based on sweet delicious and refreshing nights sleeps was formed with a world wide governing body formed after the first delegate super comphy sleep over party, we decided in a vote of all the world, with a marigin of 4 billion, 208 million, 387 thousand and 12 to the rest of those losers who voted against it, that earth was renamed bedland.

But then, of course, came Star Trek, who stole all the technology from the bedland rulers, and slaughtered a random 10% of bedland extremists which scared off the other 90% of extemists so they were just enthusiast which of course have way less influence than extremists, and then they covered up this slaughter by making it look like those 10% of slaughtered extremists had died by choking on their own vomit at the age of 27, ironically making those exact same extremists be remembered as legends rather than martyrs, no wait that too, I mean, you know the bad dudes. SAME FUCKING THING THEY DID TO HENDRIX JUST BECAUSE HE INVENTED THE AWESOME LIGHTING OF ONES GUITAR ON FIRE WHILE ONE SOLOS LIKE ONES AWESOMENESSOUS WIND ONE COOL!!! Those guitarist and bedist extremist hatering motherfuckers.

Lessons:
Extremists are not as feared as enthusiasts
Star Trek ruined Bedland
Hendrix would be remembered differently if we didn't write about him in capitals

Thats what people forget in history if you ask me, and even if you don't ask me, is Jealousy, people forget that fucking jealousy makes people do angry stuff. Plus you know jealousy is always cleverly edited to show certain people in certain light shops, and the way they are percieved, its history assholes, not reality TV.

Anyway, don't forget bedland, or Hendrix, or the fact that despite a desire to sleep in comfort, the inventor of the bed was NOT lazy!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

This is just bad kiddies


Not good. Last week I wrote a bunch of talk show monologue jokes trying to get inside of the mind of Jimmy Fallon and hope that he would give me a job writing for his show. I just looked back over them, my god, these really aren't good.


So with that awesome lead in, please imagine Jimmy Fallon saying the following.


Monologue Jokes – written week of December 7th – 11th


A recent study out of the University of Minnesota has determined that casual sex does NOT damage emotion well-being


So crises adverted people, Lindsay Lohan is doing just fine after all


On the other hand it was confirmed that a complete lack of sex DOES damage emotional well-being


As a result Ryan Seacreast has been put on suicide watch


Sarah Palin was at a book signing this week and a man tried to throw tomatoes at her


Palin wasn’t affected though and in fact didn’t even notice what was happening, but in her defense when you can see all the way to Russia it’s hard to concentrate on what’s happening in just one room

.. ..

Everyone is still talking about the student who asked Obama if he’ll legalize drugs to help stimulate the economy


Everyone that is except Snoop Dogg who’s been too high to read the news for 22 years


It’s been reported that prostitutes in Copenhagen have been offering delegates at the Global Warming summit free sex


As a result the delegates have changed the main topic of discussion from ‘how can we stop global warming’ to ‘how can we maintain global warming so we can have this summit every year’


When asked for comment on the summit Bill Clinton merely screamed ‘Copenhagen more like Cop-a-hard-on!’


This week billionaire Richard Branson unveiled his new space ship which he claims will take tourists into space for $200,000 from 2011


It sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the projected cost for 2011 Yankee tickets


Adam Lambert was on the View this week in what was considered a bold move by the View


This is of course because it was the first time the show has ever included an attractive female


It’s also been reported that Adam Lambert may perform at the Oscars


Producers were worried at first, until they were reminded there was no way the Oscars could be any gayer than Hugh Jackman’s Oscars last year


New England.. quarter back Tom Brady and his super model wife Gisele Bunchen had a baby boy this week


Everyone is saying the kid is bound to be attractive, talented and successful, but I don’t know? Seems like a risk naming him Jan Brady


I man is suing Caesars Palace for allowing him to gamble away over a 150 million dollars in one year in their casino


Meanwhile Tiger Woods was heard saying ‘really, you can make stupid moronic mistakes and sue someone else for it? I’m suing those two female teachers I walked in on having sex for making me so horny I couldn’t stop”


Now where is my talk show writing job?????????

Friday, December 18, 2009

Its just wrong people, hell yeah wrong

This week an Australian man was fined $10,000 (ok it was a sportsman and he was finned by his club, but he was arrested first) for urinating in public on the same week a study came out that there are now around 400,000 dogs in my state of NSW, thats right, I know what your thinking, and your right, 400,000 dogs are out there laughing in our faces because they get to piss where ever they want and us humans are caged in by our leaders and police refusal to allow us to put our urine anywhere not made from porcelain, and like you I am outraged.

Not just dogs either, wild animals are pooping and pissing everywhere and we allow it, but humans cant do it anywhere!! It's madness.

Australian police have announced a crack down on public urination this xmas/new years period, and frankly I want to piss in peace.

Ok, I am not saying I want a world that stinks of piss, but if I cant piss why can dogs?

What I am really saying, of course, is I drink lots of liquid, and therefore I piss a lot, and there are like no public toilets on earth anymore, and sometimes I really need to go, and there is only so much urine you can drip out of your penis hole before you have a very embarrassing wet patch on your pants.

What I am really saying, of course, is that I have basically pissed my pants in public a bunch of times as an adult, and the alternative is often pissing in public, which is ILLEGAL FOR ME AND NOT FOR DOGS!

Thanks cops.

Here are some true embarrassing urine stories

A friend of mine once, while trying to avoid arrest for urinating in public, snuck in to a dark alley corner and accidentally pissed on a homeless man

A few years back two friends of mine were arrested in Amsterdam for pissing in public (turns out they accidentally pissed on a police station, directly under a security camera) the next day they both fucked prostitutes (not relevant, but it should still be noted)

About a year ago I was wearing what turned out to be particularly absorbent pants, couldn't find a toilet, and it was still light out, and I couldn't find a quiet spot, I soon had a wet patch around my groin as big as a basketball, and I had to walk right up through the main packed area of Hollywood Blvd with someone I didn't know well (my method to deal with this was suddenly talk so consistently and fast he never got the chance to say, 'hey Dave, did you just piss your pants?')

Reasons urinating in public is cool

- Because it saves water from flushing and that and waters gardens, hell yeah I just enviromentalised your ass
- If a dog licks it up its hilarious
- If a bug drowns in it you can easily say 'well there is my revenge for that one time a fly landed on my cupcake'
- You don't wash your hands after so your next few handshakes really count (in this situation I recommend shaking hands with nightclub bouncers)
- If your a girl us boys can enjoy watching you navigate your clothes so you can squat just right
- It makes you like a fountain, and if you don't like fountains then thats all the government needs to prove your a communist (more dangerous during the cold war, but still never let anyone know you don't like fountains)
- There were no toilets in Jesus's day, what, are you too good to pee like Jesus did?
- Because adult diapers will make you look like you have huge but mushy genitals
- Street hooligans do it and if we're ever to understand what motivates someone to live a life of street hooligisming then we should at least be willing to take a urine in their shoes (you can also stab someone in the face to understand them better, but you may get in trouble, you know cause stabbing people in the face is frowned upon)
- If you have blood in your urine but your too scared to see a doctor a doctor may by chance see you urinating bloody urine on a mail box, which just goes to prove that a complete unwillingness to urinate in public is guaranteed to kill you
- Because you can write your name







Hell yeah!

So lets take a stand people. I want a million urine river flowing towards Washington and Canberra (Aussie DC) tomorrow morning. (and other capitals I can't be bothered to list). Call your friends, because tomorrow I am pleading with you piss where you please, please!!!!!!!!!!

By the way have you ever entered a restaurant bathroom and been GLAD to discover a bathroom attendant, you know with those mints and stuff? If so you're weird. Just saying.

Ps the reason that people are uncomfortable talking about masturbation is because we ALL do it, so can some of you please stop so the rest of us can talk about how strange you are? (I was already talking about the activities of our genitals so yes, it makes perfect sense to raise this now!)

I had one more thing I was going to put here, but I forgot what it was, just saying.

Oh wait, something about pigeons I think.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Go on, name and shame me

I just watched two shows back to back which talked about people's nick names and it occurred to me that I have never really had a nick name, other than Tiecky, real fucking creative the million or so people I have met or come across world, thanks a fucking lot. (just for that I am collectively nick naming you peoply, see how you fucking like it!!!)

Is it that hard people? Spot something you know about me and call me the opposite, hey you with the long hair, I'm going to name you short hairy, ha ha.

See then were all happy, but me, and the unimaginative tools who came up with that just reverse cliche shit.

If you want to figure out your porn name its easy, you take the street you grew up on and your first pet, which is fucking awesomenessous unless you grew up on small street, and your first pet was named picnic, cause Small Picnic is an awful name for a porn star, plus what kind of a name for a pet is picnic, stupid half dead bird I adopted after it had been run over by a car, you were an awful pet, and I am glad the next door neighbors cat ate you on the lawn. (wait, on the lawn, for a meal, like a picnic, ha ha, ironic).

Ps right now I am dripping in sweat from showering. I think I need to work on my fitness again.

Anyway, I want a nick name, hell yeah, god damn it. And you can't nick name yourself, unless you are one of the biggest tools to have ever lived (I'm looking at you every single rap singer ever). So I am looking for suggestions.

Nick name me people. I want suggestions from all of you readers of mine. Then I want to pick the best and have a vote. Then I want to tell people I am now Dave (tbd) Tieck, and you better not forget it.

Hammer me people.

By the way

It turns out if your nick name is 'cancer face' and you have skin cancers on your face then your friends might be dicks!

Oh also

It turns out that having a pony living in your pubes is worse than having crabs! Yet 12yo girls are still asking for ponies for xmas! Wow kids are so cute, dont ya think?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Some AMAZING things I just discovered at the gym

It turns out having brown poo is a sign your not eating ENOUGH chocolate! Who knew? That mother digestion really is a tricky tricky bitch.

If you have an asian name which sounds sort of like a really fun swear which would make kiddies giggle then you should name a restaurant after it because then you'll get free advertisement at www.funnybusinessnames.net

Warning: Never ever go to www.funnybusinessnames.COM it is a front for a mafia money laundering scheme, and you don't want to be one of 'those', by which I mean someone so cool you literally are living out the life of the Sopranos without a fucking care in the world, cause cool kills.

The word gumption means to have like a good work ethic NOT to have a phobia that your left shin bone is actually made of rubber and one day may grow hard should it ever be exposed to a brick which has been exposed to a heat so hot that the brick has morphed into some weird rubber hardening evil gas. Fuck me, I am suddenly no where near as scared of having gumption than I once was.

If you too want to make discoveries as AMAZING as this head to your local (or not local if you kind of like driving a long way, I recommend and excellent CD by one of your favorite musicians to make your drive even more entertaining) and simply work out, it will have no other benefits, but discoveries people, discoveries. AMAZING ones.

If you want to change the color of your poo, here is a helpful guide of what chocolate to eat

For red poo - Eat chocolate with a hazelnut cream centre
For purple poo - Eat pure white chocolate
For yellow poo - Eat half a snickers, then a whole pack of regular M&Ms then eat the other half of the snickers
For green poo - Eat two pounds of any chocolate formed into the shape of a weapon
For rainbow colored poo - Eat seventy two after dinner chocolate peppermint squares, not more than seventy two, not less, exactly seventy. I don't want to get letter from people saying 'I ate seventy three after dinner chocolate peppermint squares and my poo is still brown", thats YOUR fuck up not MINE.

Red, purple, yellow, green and rainbow are the only possible poo colors, plus brown of course, not ask me why, ask mother digestion, she's a funny one.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I am sick, my god am I sick!


Do you ever think back to the moment you were squeezed out of your moms vagina, your covered in blood and placenta, and your crying, and then you realize 'holy shit I'm a new born, I shouldn't be seeing this!'

Oh shit now I have just visualized this. Thanks a lot brain, I feed you with grains and corn and alcohol and this is how you repay me, with a visualization of a new born me coming sliding out of my own mothers vagina.

Oh shit, I just visualized it again. I am sick, I am a sick sick fucking man.

I hope you know I did not plan this blog out, this isn't something I pre-thought, this is just whats happening in my mind as I write and I have done it, I have made myself feel ill from my very own sense of humor.

Ok, so I should never tell this story to another human being ever in my life, and I never have again, and I wish I wasn't about to, but I will, because as I mentioned above I am a sick sick man.

Here goes - the first time I ever saw an adult vagina

Wait hold on for a moment - a week or so ago on this blog I confessed that I played I'll show if you show with a girl when I was about five and she pulled it apart and I swear there were balls inside her vagina, balls, testicles, scrotum, just like mine but smaller and inside, what the fuck was that? I asked it before but I still want answers my friends, hell yeah, I want answers, what the hell are inside the vagina balls?

So I walk out of my bedroom, I am about fourteen years old, when out of the blue there it is, a naked woman! Hell yeah.

Well it would be, except its my mother.

AAAAUUGGHGGHGHGUUGUGUHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is what I should have thought, before headbutting the wall until I passed out in a bloody mess of my own minds eye as if I had just looked into gods asshole and it was twenty times brighter than the sun.

Instead, fuck me dead, I can still picture this, and I deserve death, but I first thought 'hell yeah, nude lady'. I WAS A REPRESSED LONELY PRE-PUBECENT TEEN OK!!! DONT JUDGE ME!

Here, yes only here, is where it gets really creepy.

My mind, in this moment, this horrible, fucking disgusting moment, I think to myself 'just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind'.

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just look at her tits, you can see pussy anytime you want..... with your mind

just kill me, please fucking kill me, WHY IS THIS IN MY MEMORY BANK, NO NO NO, PLEASE GOD NO

What the hell was wrong with me, what the hell IS wrong with.

Ok lets look at this rationally, first off, I can see pussy anytime I want.... with my mind? Excuse me, how on earth could I possibly think that, I had never seen a pussy, what where did I think this magical pussy imagining ability would be conjured by??? Its like god ok, you can believe all you want, but you can't know till you've seen it, and the pussy was like god to me.

Secondly, look at her tits!!!! I live in Australia, our beaches are topless, and girls takes advantage of this, because there is no time girls would rather show off their tits than when they are sandy, lying on their back so they are sitting flat and deflated like deflated balloons, and red from over sun exposure, so yeah, hell yeah, I had already seen some poorly presented tit, so just look at her tits.

Oh god, I must stop writing this, I started with one of my usual 'hey I'll say something gross and then enjoy people being disgusted' type 'jokes' and it led me down a dark and horrible path.

I apologize to all.

So hey, ever made a horrible, disgusting, revolting, yet retarded decision, tell me all about it, please tell me, or else I need to drill a hole in my head and pour chlorine inside.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Oh wait, on the other hand....



Do you already have a show, radio, TV, radio TV, TV internet, radio internet, internet, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, but feel a nut flavored ass absurdly funny crazy haired Aussie would be a good side kick for your show? Give me a buzz, I don't need money, just an audience, and if you have one, why would I want to do all the work building one!!

Do you want to be a star? An awesomenessous star?

I want to launch a new internet talk show which will blow fucking minds away and redefine what people mean when they use the words 'entertainment' or 'watchable' (or just have a bit of fun, you know) and I need a hell yeah sidekick, so I'm going to talent search for one.

This is a talent search like no other ever before search for talent ever searched!!!

Not only do I have no cash prize, but I dont know where I will be living in the next few months so who knows if we can even do this job. (I believe in talk show creation and sex being premature is of up most importance) Actually fuck that, its LA people, I shall return soon, I will find a way, and this little idea of mine has way more chance of making it if I make it back to LA, because I like know people there, that are into TV and acting and stuff, so LA it is (likely contradicted later in this blog, but take my word for it) I am looking for talent in LA (that is unless someone was JUST about to offer me an awesome job somewhere else in which case fuck this competition I am fucking rich and famous)( that is unless its a shitty job, in which case I may do both)(I think I am over using brackets or parentheses as some may call it, I really am an abuser of things)(by the way I meant that bit way before, you better believe I can prematurely ejaculate hell yeah baby)(if your not into that ignore the last statement)(oh my god, get it out of your system right now dick head(())()())()), that feels better.

On the other hand if this thing takes off it will be a miracle and miracles are fucking cool!!!!!!

My dream sidekick shall include attributes or personality traits like this:

Be a talker, if you love to talk I can make you funny, and if you like to talk and are funny on your own I can just chill back, chip in a little weird statement and watch the money and chicks roll in

Be a good looking girl, got to get horny internet nerds to want to masturbate thinking about you, this is internet talk show key

Be a little bit nuts

Have some tech skills, I have very few (an ability to flirt your way into help from film tech types would be fine)

Have an ability to deal with a messed up mind like mine

And thats all it takes. Does anyone have any other suggestions on what a sidekick for me should be in possession of?

Do you want to volunteer to be my sidekick, do you want to nominate someone in Sydney, or perhaps LA or NYC (this is that contradiction I spoke of, make it LA please, unless I change my mind again, I do that a lot)!!!!

Your volunteering or nominating will literally change the history of the world (because the literal history kind of counts everything that ever happens doesn't it? If your specific enough, but please note this may or may NOT appear in future history books)(Keep in mind I have a big history based project in mind to do when I am older and wiser so I may add it to my own history books, stay tuned for those, they might be good)(I realize I did not get the ()()())((((()) out of my system. It turns out if you find an unnatural enjoyment for something and then you do it a whole bunch at once you still want to do it after. Please take note sex addicts, druggos, and alcoholics (if you do your own research and die from it, please don't tell me, it will make me sad, and I already have my own problems )()(()())(())(()((!!!!!!!!!

I want it to be a big world wide star search, which my millions (well beloved couple of hundred) of readers will participate in and fucking love.

Wait a minute I was sure I wrote this bit below earlier, and I can't be fucked to copy and paste right now, but this is another attribute of a potential side kick for me, actually there is three, and bad luck comes in threes, but its also third time lucky (feel free to make your own mind up if all three of these suggestions suck, or if the third one is lucky, or if cliches are annoying pieces of shit)

Be not too smart, or be really smart I can work really well with either, medium smarters can apply too, but please try and act or seem super smart or kind of dumb, also guys can apply if they are kind of lady like, or if they are just really funny.

Do not be a raging fan of injecting heroin through the eyeball

Be different, if you are a clone I dont really want you, unless you're like the clone of someone really talented and hot, then we can work on you, also if you are a clone, I might need to sell the scientific knowledge acquired by whoever cloned you, because that could be worth billions which would make an awesome budget for this show

Oh also writers, graphic designers, camera people, all those behind the scenes dealys, you want to work for free? Be on board hell yeah. I might try and build this into, you know like a thing, for people who want to work in the industry but want to carve there own path, and not be subject to the whims of the man (you know Howard Man, the guy who invented the calling out of a random sex as a way of suggesting your fighting back or something).

If you want to do an internet talk show but also want nothing to do with my show then contact me too, I might need a lead in, or a follow me, or competition or something, but I am going to set up like a little studio in my new home in Auckland New Zealand (I changed my mind again - just kidding, its still LA for now)(By the way I hate when people tell a joke and then say Just Kidding, if you mess up a joke so bad that people can't tell your kidding then saying just kidding doesn't do shit, I recommend instead punching yourself in the balls, that way people will either laugh or think you are a loose cannon psycho and not only will they never wish to mess with you, they shall (call back, hell yeah) laugh nervously at anything you say from now on, and a laugh is a laugh.

Speaking of laughs my show is going to have jokes like this:

Hey if your side kick is your side kick why are they on your side but then they don't kick you? Get it? Its like a play on words. A very sophisticated form of humor.

Although I guarantee we shall (someone would say we'll denying another shall a chance to live, you murderers) never do jokes like this:

If the President lives AND works in the White House, why isn't it called the White HOMEOFFICE!!!!!! Oh my god, I kill me

So thats my pitch. And its serious (as long as people actually volunteer, and/or nominate people and in reality invite a hundred friends each to participate) I will be doing a new internet talk show one of these days regardless, so be a part of it, it shall, (not it'll, that would murder a shall and sounds too much like little, TWO fuck ups) be awesomenessous.

PS. I like coining words and shall continue to do so often in my writing and performances, so keep your toes hot, because these things are going to be cool as a block of ice on a can of cupcake frosting

Awesomenessous - to be so awesome, people even kind of like it something, and others really like it, but others only kind of really like it, where as some find it weird and confusing and need to take a bush-walk to clear there sinuses (if they have a cold) and there minds.

Ps - My awesomenessous internet talk show is going to be live and interactive with my audience, so just be involved from the beginning, that way if it takes off you'll (sorry I mean) you shall be all "i was there from the beginning" and thats a pleasure you can wear as a supportive undergarment (I think that one was the official try too hard moment)

Thanks people.

Love and hugs from
Dave

Oh psspps: I am going to have a book giveaway with this one, free book to the best interactive supportive person each week, so thats nice isn't it?

A spanish outpouring


A few years ago I was backpacking around Europe with my best friend Goshie and we found ourselves in the beautiful sea side town of San Sebastian Spain. This was around two days since we had been in Paris and Goshie had turned to me and asked

“Where should we go next?”

“I reckon we should hit Spain!’ I replied

“Fuck that, we’re not flying to South America!” he whined.

Goshie and I have been best friends since the day as twelve year olds we were forced to sit next to each other on the first day of high school. At that time his little sister was just learning to talk and we would take time teaching her the names of famous skateboarders, now we attempt to use her for access to nimble young twenty year old girls just starting to walk down the electric walkway of a university aged sexual awakening.

When choosing best friends in pre-pubescence there are few things you think about other than how accessible there backyards are via bike, how advanced their video game collections are, how responsive they are to poorly crafted racist and gay jokes, and their ability to rip out a fart at the perfect time. One thing you do not think about is how their sleeping patterns will affect your ability to enjoy the great wide world.

Goshie, you see, is a snorer. He is the worst fucking snorer imaginable. His average night’s sleep sounds about the same as a teenage boy who gets curious about what it would feel like to stick his dick in the waste disposable unit. I’ve slept in the same bed with merely three people more than once, and he is one of them. I have slept in the same room as this guy a couple of hundreds of times. The longest romantic and sexual relationship I have ever had? About forty days. Fate is great! (oh that’s actually been expanded since I first penned this, wowser, grrr).

So we were in ..Spain.., sharing the spare room of an old ladies house with a French man, a guy from ....California.... and two beautiful young Swedish girls, when Goshie decided to cook us all pasta for dinner. After stuffing ourselves full of pasta, it was time for me to hold up a deal Goshie and I had agreed upon months earlier, he who cooks relaxes for the rest of the night and tries to impress any Scandinavian girls in the hostel with his Australian accent, where as he who does not cook but does eat is in charge of the dishes.

Only on this particular night we had been getting into the cheap Spanish wine at the same time and our heads were already buzzing, and we had been socializing, and we had plans to party till one of us passed out in a random back alley that night, so I piled the dishes high in the sink, like a dripping red leaning tower of Pisa, ran the water over the catastrophe zone until the sink was full of water and floating pasta bits picked out of people’s teeth, and I decided to take care of the dishes in the morning.

Ok, so at five in the morning the following day I wake up and remember something, the old lady who owned the house’s only rule – “keepa thingsa cleana or kicka outa!” (and I apologize for the stereotypical border line racist accent) I had a sink full of dishes, and I am not a clean freak by any nature, or even a daily clean underwear wearer if I am being honest, but I am a loyal man, and I did not want to get any of my friends kicked out of the hospice. Well to be slightly more honest, the two Swedish girls were both quite attractive. The day before we had all been on the beach with them in bikinis, and one of them demonstrated just how skinny she was (in a good way, not a sick anorexic way) by nesting her bikini waste band over the top off her two protruding hip bones, leaving a good inch deep gap between bikini material and skin right at the beginning of her well manicured public hair. So it was that the three of us boys spent the best part of the day surrounded by plenty of topless Spanish girls and tourists, as well as our eighteen year old Swedish friend giving us a literal doorway onto the next logical goal when leering at women. We all got sunburned backs and the sun never saw our fronts. When you are in board shorts and have no shirt on there is no other way to hide what you are really thinking other than burying it in the sand! We all also made plans to attempt to spend some time perhaps an inch or two further down her landing strip, and in a predawn alcohol fueled paranoid haze I was quite sure that getting her kicked out of her accommodation would not help me get any part of myself inside of her.

Anyway, I needed to clean those fucking dishes or I may not get the fuck I had been coveting for days, so I climb out of bed, feeling awful, about to get my hands into a pool of rich tomato flavored water. Only I did not find a pool of water with floating dishes, the water had drained out, and the left over pasta was now caked over all the dishes. Turns out we must have had more leftovers than I had thought; now I might get in trouble for not saving them for breakfast too, when backpacking on a tight budget, throwing out perfectly good food is very much frowned upon. Every movie which has a character who is an alcoholic has one common scene, the one where the protagonist goes searching through his horde of bottles trying to find one that still has some booze swimming at the bottom. This scene fucking sucks, because it is not true, alcoholics don’t leave half a bottle of piss lying around, they drink that shit, they are alcoholics! Well backpackers and food are nothing like that, but I have always wanted to whine about those scenes and thought this was as good a time as ever.

Unfortunately I could not find a fucking sponge or cleaning utensil anywhere, so as I dug into the sink to pull out spaghetti and sauce covered plates and pots, it dawned on me that I was to be cleaning these fuckers with my hands, and it was going to take some time. So I had to fucking scrub these things with my fingers, pressing hard to acquire some friction. I had to pick off dried up bits of onion with my fingernails, and scoop out deeper chunks of food congregating in deep pockets. It took a long time and I was not having the slightest bit of fun, but it was my job and I got the place looking clean enough, rinsed off the last memoirs of dinner from my hands, wiped them dry on my dirty boxer short covered ass, and climbed wearily back into bed.

Although before I was able to drift back to sleep the snoring next to me ceased for a moment. Then I heard Goshie whisper across at me “are you awake?”

“Sort of” I whispered back

“Hey don’t go near the sink, I had the worst spew in there when we came home last night!” he said back with a chuckle.

Oh I never did get to have sex with either of the Swedish girls either, although Goshie once talked them into a backyard wet t-shirt competition at a time when I wasn’t around. That bastard. And he didn’t even know Spain was in Europe!


Goshie is now a super talented fishing journalist by the way, look him up if you want to know how to catch huge fish from the rocks!

Friday, December 11, 2009

I shall return, oh hell yes I shall

So as of yesterday I no long am able to travel to the United States of America on a tourist visa. Yay for America, since my first trip when I was 15 in 1992 I have returned around 30 times, visited every state but Alaska (which I can't wait to see), visited every major and most minor cities, visited most National Parks, and loved every friggin minute of it, oh and spent thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars, which not to sound bitter in anyway, but I am not sure why the US Consolute in Sydney would wish to deny America my frequent cash injections.

But I shall return. Not just because I really want to, but how often do you get to use the word 'shall' these days. No one says I shall meet you for lunch, or I shall visit a bar for some drinks this evening. These days its all about 'will' and 'maybe' and even perhaps, sometime just 'a bar it is', or 'bar dude, hell yeah', but I shall make a pact to use shall more often and shall will return to its old lofty hights in the words used to you know suggest whether you will or wont do something, shall I make this a promise? Yes, I SHALL be a success in this mother fuckers.

Oh yeah, back to that serious stuff. I want to come back please (please read the past sentance in the voice of a four year as he is leaving Disney Land but really doesnt want to go yet, you know to get the emotion I am going for).

Basically for me to come back I need one of four things

- Be considered a successful enough artists in Australia to qualify under some special visa dealy they have where America lets proven talent from other nations have a crack at Australia. Hence fame me up Australia.

- Get a job in a skilled proffession in America. Are you a reader of my blogs, perhaps my book, or a fan of some other thing you have seen recently, and also a producer of a TV show, perhaps an editor of a magazine or newspaper, or even a radio guy thinking, hey this guy might be good to bring into my work and give him a job, or maybe you even just know one of these people, call now only one Dave available at this time and bound to go fast with this special offer, and here it is - Dave will do an awesome job for you and only needs to be paid the legal minimum for the industry, wow, Dave is available for 52 easy weekly payments of a wage per year, or just as easy bi-weekly payments, and Dave also has a return at any time along with a get out your fired clause in the very unlikely chance he doesnt turn out to be awesome. But wait there is more. If you get Dave Tieck this job, Dave will throw in either a steak knife that he fishes out of his cutlery draw, or a copy of his current book 'Losing my virginity 52 times'. plus a heartfelt thankyou, and a mention in his next books acknowlwgment section, and thats a prize you can show people at book shops (if his next one gets in there), buy now, offer is only available indefinately, or until someone else takes it up.

- A student visa, which means I need to be accepted into a school which offers these lovely little things, although pretty much all schools who do cost fucking shit loads of money. Anyone know and Arts schools in America which offer student visas or are reasonably priced?

- A significant change in my current situation, which I think means if I get a publishing deal over there, need to do a book, tour, potentially have some big meeting to go to, one of those types of things I think

By the way I want to come back because I fucking love it, here are some:
Things I love about America

The food - I can admit it, I'm a fast food dude. I am addicted, I want it as much as can without becomeing morbidly obese (and that second part may even change some time). Do you know in Australia there is no Carls Jnr (my fav), no Jack n the Box, no taco bell, no del daco, no In and out Burger, no whitecastle, no whataburger, no Hardies, and KFC here fucking sucks and you have to practically beg for a dipping sauce for your popcorn chicken.

Oh it gets worse. In Australia what America considers a small soda, we consider the LARGE! How dare they. And it costs more too. And I used to easily drink one of those super size me sodas (fuck you spurlock). Plus the bacon on our burgers is no where near as bacon delicious (fuck you Aussie pigs).

Oh it gets even worse.
In Australia during the breakfast menu (my fav, damn I wish I could wake up before 1030 occassionally) they have an item on the menu titled 'sausage mcmuffin' which I would eat for my last meal on death row, and another item called 'sausage and egg mcmuffin' which I dont mind, but often throw the egg out, so 9/10 times when you order a sausage mcmuffin they give you a sausage and egg mcmuffin. I NEVER SAID EGG YOU TWITS! When I order a quarter pounder I dont say give me a big mac, I order what its fucking called. Under my estimate, assuming everyone loves these as much as me, everyone would rather chuck out an egg than argue the point, and everyone faces this same problem, two billion egss have been wasted, and chickens have to squeeze those things out there assholes, stop being mean to the chickens McDonalds, for the love of god.

Also in Australia there is no Dennys no Ihop or traditional american diners, and I need my pancakes with a side of bacon (the delicious crispy american style, again fuck you pigs in Australia, grow your ass right or whatever part of you it is), side of eggs, side of toast, side of hashbrowns, side of sausage links, side of sausage paties, because thats a real breakfast. Plus I mostly eat that at night, and we dont sell breakfast at night, it makes no fucking sense.

Oh plus deep fried bar finger food, we have no mozerrella sticks, onion rings, chicken strips, all that kill you young delicious. I have to be healthy when I am drinking out here and it just makes me so godamn furious!!!

The drinks - I'm running out of time to write this piece, so all I need to say is this Diet Dr Pepper. I am fucking addicted and I cant get it here and I literally am suffering from withdrawals. We cant even Dr pepper for fucks sake (They tried it and people thought it had pepper - stupid inventor who wanted to pork some girl so named his drink after her dad, a true moronic genius.) Plus the myriad of diet soda, I drink thirty cans a day and cant get anything good here.

The people - Oh more important stuff. Australia and Sydney used to be laid back friendliness, then Sydney got the Olympics and we've become stuck up self important pretentious fucks. I hate it. People are WAY friendly and quick to a laugh and fun, and interesting in America. Plus they love Aussies, and I love being unique, its win fucking win.

The support of the arts - It might not seem that way, but by jesus america supports the arts from big budget movies, to karoake TV shows, to all of the significant more recent art movements from pop art, to hip hop, runge, punk, 80's metal, the stand up comedy boom of the 80's, and basically talent rises in America, and people support rising scenes, and thats why your stuff spreads around the world. Its freaking awesome.

The variety and diversity - in people, nature, cities, food, ideals, art, accents, the phrase only in America could only develop in America because America just has so much awesome stuff.

I got to run, but I love that place, and I shall return and I shall return shall to its rightful place, and I shall do some other stuff that I can't think of right now.

Missing you America, hope to see you soon,
Love Dave

Ps no time to edit, sorry America, I'll make it up to you

A letter to David Tieck, from Simon Tolder

Dear David,

I am not sure if you remember me, but eight years ago you performed a comedy set at my seventh birthday party. First off I want to apologize to you with all my heart for how I acted that day, I was immature and selfish, and I know its a bit rich to blame my age for my behavior but I was only seven. No, no, I am sorry, that is no excuse, I was rude and unappreciative and for that I am truly sorry.

To be honest (and I am sure you already know this) you were freaking hilarious. And the fact that I failed to laugh had nothing to do with the lack of quality of your jokes (because there was no lack of quality) but to be quite serious it was because your first joke about ceiling fans blew my mind. By which I mean right there, in that moment I knew what I wanted to do with my life - research and explore the history behind the worlds most optimistic inventions. Because really you were so right, those things just make the exact same air move gently, and they sold billions of them! There was something in that which I just knew the world needed to know more about.

I am pleased to tell you that this wasn't just some pathetic seven year old pipe dream. I knuckled down that day, I became serious about this, and I have dedicated the last eight years of my life to this cause and little else (well I did need to get a little more standard education, I was only seven after all).

I digress. Mr David Tieck, I am writing to you today, first to apologize, secondly to thank you, but third and most importantly to invite you as my honored guest to the launch of my first book - The worlds most optimistic inventions that we all still buy. I have dedicated the book to you, and in the introduction I give full credit to the wonderful comedian David Tieck, who did more than entertain me, he made me think, and changed my life, and hopefully by inspiring this book changed the world. Dare I say it, the worlds most underestimated comedian is you, but together I think we are going to take the world by storm after this.

By the way, I'll let you in on a little secret, the conclusion to the book, do you want to know it? Damn me I can't keep it in while writing to my hero.

Here it is, after eight years of research and study, the official worlds most optimistic invention is, drum roll drldrldrldrldrl

The toilet seat with the three inch gap that supposedly lets a man urinate without lifting the seat or getting pee on the seat.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know it don't you. There it is, you think to yourself, should I lift the seat? And then you think hell no, there is a gap, I know i've never managed to only get pee in the bowl and/or in that gap before, but if they keep wanting to challenge me, I'll get freakin trying!!!

They've sold three billion of these things, can you believe it?

I am sure you can see I am excited about this. So I hope so much you can come, and once again - THANK YOU, you are an inspiration.

Much love,
Simon Tolder

Ps - the world is now called rape land? rotfl, how did I miss that eight years ago - thats genius!!!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I only did one gig as a children’s performer, here is why

Hi kids, my name is David Tieck and it’s great to be here for Simon’s seventh birthday party!


So I think the ceiling fan is the worlds most optimistic invention, I really do, ‘hey man, its hot in here, what if we attached something that spun on the roof that made this very same hot air move gently!’, Seriously man, that’s why these days you’ll be hanging with buddies on a really hot day and everyone will say ‘lets go to John place, he’s got a ceiling fan, bound to be cool over there!’


Oh you didn’t laugh Simon. Not funny to you? I guess you’re one of those spoiled kids with air-conditioning in his house.

(Ok stay calm David, try another one) I think the laziest people on earth are movie set prop departments, do you know how many heroes lives are saved because guns aren’t loaded properly, come on guys, how hard is it to load a gun?


Nothing Simon? You don’t watch movies, it all about video games in your generation? These are the jokes I wrote specifically for you kids, you little bastards. (Keep it cool David)


Ok, you want some adult jokes do you? Women are always saying to me ‘I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth!’ and I’m like ‘Really, cause if I’m the last guy on earth then you better or I’m re-naming earth “rape land”.


Oh for fuck sake Simon. Kids jokes don’t work rape jokes don’t work, what do you want from me? (forget him Dave, just push on)


Restaurants think you are there to party no matter how many of you come ‘Smith Party of six’, ‘Tieck party of two’ I don’t know about you, but when I go to get a sandwich with my mother for lunch it aint no party!


Fuck you Simon. What you’ve never been to a restaurant, you think parties are all fun and games don’t you? Your seven today Simon, aren’t you, well let me tell you something, ten years from now the only thing you will want to do at a party is try and get a girl to let you put your penis in her mouth, and she is probably on a diet so she’ll have recently eaten sushi, you know what that is don’t you, yes raw fish, your going to be desperate to put your wee wee in a dirty girls mouth full of chewed up raw fish, and here is the kicker when she says no, and she will, you’ll be so upset you’ll get in a fist fight with a friend, WITH face punching, and you’ll fall asleep in a pile of your own vomit, yeah that’s right you still think parties are fun Simon?


(Come on David, don’t let em beat you, go to your gold)


Some women with kids will now refer to themselves as ‘Yummy Mummys’

What do you want, someone to eat you?


Oh fuck you Simon, you know how I got this gig Simon I put my penis in your mothers vagina, you know where you came from Simon, your mothers vagina, that’s right Simon, only she enjoyed me being in there, you just ripped it apart.


Oh you are going to get me fired are you Simon? Do you want a joke about teachers maybe? You want me to play down to your level, ok, so why did my teacher get fired? Because he gave a detention the wrong kid my friend. Yeah me, and I had that bitch fired, that’s what happens when you cross me Simon.


Oh I’m evil


You have a poodle don’t you, do you know what would happen if I go inside the house and stared into your poodles eyes, he would turn evil, and when you have an evil poodle in your house things change my friend, your going to have a lot pile of me living in your dog and he’s going to bite you, and lick the blood out of your wounds! So you better laugh at a joke Simon, you better let it out right now.


So I gave up smoking recently, only it was easy, because I had never started.


Didn’t I just warn you Simon? I told you to fucking laugh or I was going to make your poodle full of my evilness, and even then you couldn’t squeeze out even a tiny chuckle? Well that’s it Simon, you have ruined the gig, and ruined your own fucking birthday party my friend, and you know what else, a Smurf cake? What, is this birthday in 1982? You unoriginal shit! Fuck you Simon, I’m out of here.


It just kind of got worse from there.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Little known facts about Tiger Woods

If you spell check his name backwards it spells 'regret dope' which is a clear admission of a past heroin addiction (please ignore the fact that regit does not spell check to regret, but it damn god should)

His agents are working on a deal with the tabloids that if they agree to say they have made all this scandal up he'll agree to be castrated and play the next Masters with his testicles as his golf balls

He has three pet camels

If you spell check his name backwards it spells legit dope, which in his mind makes him feel he is the 'reverse' of a dope

He'll only play on golf courses with 'green' grass continuing golfs cruel tradition of prejudice against purple grass

During a tournament last year his caddie asked him 'which wood would mr woods like to tee off with' and Tiger repeated 'which wood would mr woods' over and over again, laughing and laughing, then he raped a spectator in the adjacent woods

He once completed a round of putt putt golf in 27 shots using his dick for a putter

He nick-named himself tiger when as a kid he he did a poo full of carrot bits, 'orange and brown, thats cool, like a tiger' he exclaimed at the time

Everytime he gets into a golf cart with someone new he says the joke 'is this cart small, or are we just giants' and he never cares that people never laugh

He only turned to golf after discovering that catching flys and picking their wings off is not a proffesional sport

After winning all the golf majors he now dreams of obtaining all the major STDs

He only cheats when he has had too much Coors Light

_____

I know what your thinking, whats wrong with Tiger having three pet camels?

Well I'm going to answer this one in ART form, why? Cause sometimes I make attempts at art when I've been drinking, hell yeah, thats why


Monday, December 7, 2009

I know what you are thinking, but please don't do it


I know what you’re thinking, and I am really sorry, but I don’t think you should adopt a camel.


Yes I know there have been so many stories about the Middle-East on the news in the past decade and you sit and watch and think ‘terrorists suck, but those camels look cool’ and you’re right, they do look cool, but cool does not make an awesome pet I am afraid.


I agree with you, camels make a unique pet and being unique is good, but I promise you, many, many people are thinking of making the move for the camel ownership life right now, and then you’ll find yourself whack bang in the middle of an ill-thought-out trend. Do you want your camel to turn into a butterfly tattoo on your lower back? No you don’t.


I am right with you, cute hell yes, but cuteness fades, and you’ll find yourself looking at baby camels in the pet store window thinking I wish my camel was still cute like that, my camel sucks. No no, it will happen, and I know that doesn’t mean you won’t still love your camel, but it should be considered.


The other thing is that camels, as it turns out, make really, really awful pets. Trust me.


Ok here are some reasons you may not have thought of why camels make bad pets.


- They’re kind of big. If you live in a studio apartment where the hell are you going to put it? Even if you have a court yard or roof top garden, camels like to move around, and a restless camel is a horny camel, hey don’t blame me, its fact, and if you thought horses were hung like horses, well camels are REALLY hung like horses (even female ones, camel clitoris is enormous!)


- There not good eating, which means fifty years from now when it sadly passes away your going to have to drag a big heavy body to the trash can rather than farming its body for meals, that’s annoying AND wasteful


- They have weird lumps on their backs, and if you have a pet with weird lumps people may think YOU’RE weird.


- In the desert the smell of a camels ass can be a delightful distraction from the smell of sweaty unwashed Middle-Eastern people, but in your apartment it just smells like camel ass (which is bad, if that wasn’t clear) (on the other hand now camel breath now becomes a delightful distraction from camel ass, but please trust me, this is NOT a good reason to adopt a camel for a pet)


You know what? Let me throw a curve ball at you. No not one of those stupid metaphoric ones which just end up confusing people who are not big fans of sport, I mean a literal curve ball, because this unrelenting desire of yours to have a pet camel, even now, after I have PROVEN that camels are in fact an awful choice for a pet, has really started to get under my nerves, and as it happens, just as you were forming this camel desire I was working out how to position my wrist in just the right way so that I can now make a baseball curve when thrown from my hand towards something, or swing as some people not from America, especially cricket playing nations, may find a more relative term, and this is a very difficult thing to do, to throw a curve ball, especially by someone with no access to high level baseball coaches, and because of this whole camel thing, I kind of feel like hitting you in the head with a rock hard leather stitched ball, and it is very rare for someone to simultaneously find themselves in position of a new skill and upset with someone else in a way where the first skill would be a welcome punishment to inflict on the other person for some silly idea they have.


No, I do think it’s fair. I sensed you wanted to adopt a camel, so I pre-empted your decision by giving you many good reasons why not to adopt a camel, yet I still sense you may find yourself with a camel in your living room sometime soon, so I think having a rock hard leather stitched baseball flung towards you in a manner so at first it looks like it will miss you but then it turns out to curve towards you and hit you right on the noggin fits the crime perfectly.


And why can’t you see it from my point of view? I have fortuitously found myself with a new skill (in case you were wondering I learned it from a book, a book titled ‘how to throw a curve ball’ so that should take any mystery out of it for you, if that was what was holding you back from allowing me to throw a curve ball at your head) and with this new skill just wasting away in my back pocket, unused because I don’t actually play baseball or know anyone who does, right in this exact moment, you have angered me over the whole camel debacle, so surely you can see how this would excite me, and when someone is excited in this world, the least you can do is let the man enjoy and exploit his excitement, that’s just following the golden rule of do onto others as others would do unto you, and if you were simultaneously angry at me and had just learned a new skill which would be a perfect way to punish me for it, and you were excited about it, I would let you use that skill.


So can I throw a curve ball at you please? No. Fuck you. Enjoy your camel you asshole.


Ok then, I guess I will just grab six McNuggets and a small coke, and can you make it fast, some of us do have important jobs to get to!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Our worst fears have come true, but stay calm

After months of meetings the negotiations have broken down and it's official, on the tenth of December the ants will officially be going on strike and will refuse to pick up our crumbs until humans agree to make all efforts needed to stop stepping on ants.

No no, none of that, stay calm. Please stay calm.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yes Mrs Hillsburg, I am afraid that this does mean in the meantime you will have to pick up your own crumbs.

Please people, calm down, I know you're upset, but we will overcome this. We cannot give into acts of terrorism, and yes, they brought up the unnecessary murder of millions of ants, not us, so we do consider this an act of terrorism.

Thankyou Doug, and yes we do have people working on strike busting protest songs. Unfortunately the ants have struck first and their song 'Ants marching, ants wont give in' has been released and is number one on the Ant Hot 100, but we have the perfect counter punch - no make that, a three punch combination 'the ants are marching but we are stomping', 'my doc martin in your ant ass' and 'ants, ants, ha ha ants are small' are being recorded as we speak.

Yes Stephanie, we have a HUGE star recording them, I'm told she finished SEVENTH on American Idol season five.

John Monkier PUT DOWN THAT MAGNIFYING GLASS THIS INSTANT. Come on people slowly burning them alive will NOT solve anything.

No, John, pulling all their legs off will not help either. Ants with no legs WILL NEVER pick up crumbs.

Yes Martin, I am aware that Ozzy Ozzborne once famously snorted a line of ants, while we cannot condone this, if people take up this practice then lets just say it can't hurt our liklihood of breaking the strike.

Yes John, it is VERY different from burning them with a magnifying glass, because when you snort them YOU are taking pain too, simply burning them is just cruel, snorting them will make the ants sit up and realise we are crazy and will do ANYTHING to win this battle.

Fine, ok if you catch your nine year old burning ants we will not consider it a break of strike breaking protocol, but if I find out you put her up to it, you better be damn sure I will REPREMAND your ass.

COME ON PEOPLE. Are we going to let the ants beat us? I say HELL NO. This is going to be hard, its going to be long and arduous, and the crumbs may pile up, but WILL we beat these ant scum? HELL YES. And will EVER give into their demands? HOPEFULLY NOT. You know cause it would be really annoying to have to ALWAYS be careful not to step on ants.

So I say - HUMANS FOREVER ANTS NEVER! HUMANS FOREVER ANTS NEVER!

Now who is ready for the fight of their fucking lives?