Monday, December 28, 2009

My morning so far

I woke up on the right side of bed, but my bed was on the wrong side of the room, and my walls

had been wallpapered with images of leaves, as it turns out the sleep walking version of me is an

interior decorator! This scared me for a moment until I realised its better to be a sleep walking

decorator than being a sleep walking genital mutilator, and that cheered me up so I got out of


I made the bed, because I am a sucker for useless chores, and then I got dressed and went outside where there was a man on the street eating a bowl of cornflakes. I said “hey man don’t you know cornflakes were originally designed to curtail masturbation?” and he replied “Well do you see me masturbating?” and I looked down at him and realized this guy had three arms, and with his third arm you’re god damn right he was jerking it, so I said a jealous “touchĂ©” and shook his hand and I walked away.

Up the street I ran into a kitten and a puppy but I wasn't sure if the noise I made was an aawww or an eeewww, because the kitten was pooping on a sunflower and the puppy was urinating on a teddy bear, so I said aaaweeawwwaeeewwaa and walked away so confused I had to stop for a hot dog wrapped in pizza, now my pants feel tight, thanks a fucking lot kitten and puppy

Suddenly I was abducted by a scientist who shrunk me to a miniature size and injected me into a mans bladder allowing me a magical journey out of his penis,
it was a lot of fun but when the scientist brought me back to full size and I complained that she hooked me up with a penis and not a vagina the scientists got angry and she said 'women don't urinate out of their vaginas, it comes out there urethra you tool' I said 'hmmm I feel like LICKING your urethra' and then she kicked me out for some reason

I was so upset that I was cornered into coming up with the following names for my new band (that I have been trying to start for about six years, I'm still the only member, maybe the problem is me?)

Craving and enslaving

Desperate delusion face

Simply people not monkeys, people damn it

Naively unaware trash can lids

Blissfully insane blankets

The lives we touched (not in a pedophile way)

A last time together as friends (if I do something really weird so you leave me)

Deliriously deluded and other D words, Dangerous for example

Hysterically serene or is it serenely hysterical?

Cocky and insecure (wait is that possible)

The trials and tribulations of having a great ass & the adventures of Johnny Muttugalot

Over-thinkers anonymous is not a real place, yet

The smart idiot in the room (clue: not the drummer)

If the twist top exists why not use it (and other poor use of technology)

The horny corpse

Uniquely the same (like cake and muffins - not muffin tops, they're ugly)

Dave Jetlag Tieck and the half naked flight attendants

Then I thought, I'm thirsty, so I stopped for a Diet Dr Pepper and wondered what would happen in the afternoon

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