Hello everybody, Its the angel of Kurt Cobain here, and I am SO SO SO excited to be back on earth, it is wonderful to see everyone, you all look so good and happy, wow, I am really please. Still I've got to tell you heaven is AWESOME!!!!!! I mean simply wonderful, the people are super friendly, the bleach in your hair grows out, the holes in your jeans magically fix themselves, and everyone speaks in an Australian accent, so everyone sounds so cool. Yay, so fun. It makes me smile just to think about it :) :) :) :) yay :)
Now that I have said that, I have unfortunately been brought here to talk to you about something very sad, and that is of course Charlie Sheens unfortunate arrest for abusing his wife, it what it seems was a case of both falling off the alcohol wagon. It is so sad when people succumb to this horrible disease known as alcoholism. Charlie don't you know, alcohol is full of nasty calories, often makes you snack on fatty foods which will clearly lead to need many more hours in the Gym, yes I know, that could make anyone angry, the gym is not a fun place at all, so violence does often end up being a result. It is so very sad.
The answer Mr Sheen is of course a wonderful alternative known as Heroin. Heroin makes all your naughty naughty angry drift away and also helps you keep skinny. Its wonderful!!
Maybe it would help if I told you a little more about my silly little path to heroin. I never did drugs but then people told me I wouldn't be cool if I didn't do drugs, so I started to pretend to do them, but then pretending got harder to maintain because you never know if people are just pretending to not notice your pretending which can make you paranoid, so then for a while I started doing them but pretended I didn't but I didn't like doing them and seeing as I was pretending I wasn't doing them it all felt a little pointless. So I went back to pretending I did them while pretending I enjoyed them meanwhile being paranoid all this pretending had gotten way out of hand.
I was in a no mans land of pretend and perplexity but then something fortuitous happened and I was randomly shot in the face with a shotgun and the doctor I was rushed to, turned out not to work in a hospital but rather the alley behind the rock club I was shot in, and he was less of a doctor and more of a heroin dealer. He said he could take my pain away in just moments. Seeing as my face was bleeding from numerous bullet fragment related wounds all over my face the doctor felt the quickest way to administer my medicine was to drip liquid heroin on his tongue and spit it in my face.
I never did like the drugs, but the feeling of the spit in the face was really soothing to my wounds, and I was instantly hooked. There was never any need to pretend anymore, I dove head deep into a permanent pattern of having people shoot me in the face and then spit on the wounds with heroin spit. It was heaven and trust me I have been to real heaven and heroin spat in gunshot wound heave, and they are both amazingly wonderful. Soon I discovered that I could shoot myself in the face and spit in my own face if I looked towards the ceiling and spitting and letting it fall on me. Oh my god was it good.
Eventually someone pointed out to me that shooting yourself in the face was dangerous, and doing heroin was dangerous, but shooting yourself in the face AND spitting heroin in your face wounds was just madness. So I joined shooting yourself in the face and having heroin spat in the wounds anonymous and got off the habit for a while.
Eventually I realized I was only pretending to not want to shoot myself in the face and spit heroin in my face, so I fell off the wagon, and I was out of practice so I accidentally shot my brain and died. Damn it, and people call it suicide or whatever, but it was just a mistake, I hate how they remember you wrong, but don't worry, up in heaven there is no hate, so everything is wonderful. Yay.
So I hope that helps you Charlie and everyone else, now I am going to go hang out with my beloved for a while before going all the way back up into the sky world, have I mentioned yet its awesome up there!!! I can't wait to see you up there. Bye bye. Yay :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)