Friday, January 1, 2010

First lessons of 2010 already learned

If you are going to spend a day working as a street mime in front of a musical festival don’t accidentally take an oestrogen pill instead of your morning vitamin. You will end up being way more emotional than usual and when people start calling you gay (and they will) you will break down into uncontrollable sobbing tears simultaneously making people hate you for being such an intense homophobic and also thinking you’re a pathetic little crying girl. This combination is of course known as the ‘Phiby Affect’ where by the sufferer will have a memory so horrible planted in his mind that one day it will manifest itself in said person giggling whenever anyone says the word ‘Phibyhuster’ and even though that’s not a real word, so it hardly ever gets said, the thought of giggling about it for no apparent reason is a hard burden to carry.

What do you mean why do I even keep oestrogen pills in my medicine cabinet? How is that your business?

Ok fine, well for a while I deeply feared that I would one day spontaneously start physically switching into a woman, and I figured if it started happening I would have the oestrogen ready to speed it up so I could deal with it as quickly as possible, ok? Are you happy? Of course also so I could play with my new boobies as soon as possible? Are you satisfied?

Also, if you, like me, find yourself visiting a leper colony early this year, please don’t say “I’d give an arm and leg to watch you guys play rugby” they don’t find it funny at all for some reason.

On the other hand if you want a really good time, and a great new years hang over cure, go to a your nearest mall, head into the food court at the busiest time they have, pull up a seat in the middle of the actively, and while making as much of a scene as you can, slowly open a can of dog food and begin eating it with a fork all the while moaning and groaning about how delicious your meal is. Now, and this is where it really gets fun, as soon as people clearly start looking a bit sick, suddenly yell out, ‘this is the best dog food I have ever eaten, YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE HORSE!!!!!’

I know what you’re thinking, there is a flaw in this plan, sometimes metal cans can be hard to open and create sharp edges which you can easily cut yourself on, and cutting yourself might severely dampen your hell yeah awesome fun. But not to worry, at your local kitchen appliance store you will find a myriad of fancy modern gadgets specifically designed for no more cuts while opening cans.

So have fun, it’s a guaranteed good time, you know, as long as you don’t mind eating the horse riddled dog food.

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