Please read this BEFORE you next go to a beach or park (or urban space seagulls think are parks or beaches)

Here’s some advice from me.. 

You should NEVER scream at a seagull, ever! Unless you WANT the seagull to BITE OUT YOUR TONGUE! 

Now this is of course assuming your tongue is made of French fries. And also assuming your tongue doesn’t have a retraction element, you know like a way of sticking your tongue back in. Like you can stick you tongue out, so of course you should be able to stick it in. 

But if YOU can’t, and you have a French Fry tongue, are you f’n crazy?

Why are you screaming at seagulls? That’s mad man. 

I mean you should know a few things straight up: 

- Seagulls don’t understand the variety of human emotions, particularly when it comes to volume based expressions of emotion, I mean there are plenty of loud HAPPY people at the beach and parks (and urban spaces seagulls think are parks and beaches), where seagulls hang out, so you’re probably not even succeeding in expressing what ever it is that you’re angry about regardless of your personal situation. Which brings me to...

- You’ve got a French Fry as a tongue! So you’re probably mumbling as well. So god knows if this particularly gull has picked up any language skills from years of monitoring picnickers and beach combers alike in hopes of nabbing a cracker or even a tuna soaked bread stick, but even if they have, you’re probably NOT expressing yourself eloquently enough for them to understand, and trust me I spent many a year as a mumbler, and FACT in that time not a SINGLE seagull, landgull, or earthwindandfiregull EVER said ‘ah yeah, I understand’. Not a single one. That’s how bad mumbling is. And also...

- They’ll eat your tongue! I get it you’ve got a message to share. And you are you, you are. And you don’t want to be held back by your particular scenario. We’ve all been there. I have a leg of lamb for a right forearm for example (don’t get me started on the grief I get for having a leg for an arm, it’s a dire life, let me tell you, I mean for one thing I can’t use the phrase ‘I’d give an arm and a leg’ for anything without imagining only giving up only one limb, (which is literally a leg AND an arm) without facing a lot of awkward payment situations, and some very disappointed and unsatisfied sales folk I’ll tell you. But that’s who I am. And I also can never give the finger to mountain lions. For a number of reasons. Climbing said mountain is hard on my leg of lamb arm. Mountain lions don’t understand modern western profanity based common sign language. And, and, and they’d BITE it. A leg of lamb arm is very attractive to mountain lions. Let me tell ya) but you have a French Fry tongue. That’s not going to change. Tongue transplant technology is still weak. Sure you can get a giraffe tongue put in (assuming you can talk a giraffe into donating one) but then you end up really ‘tonguey’ and that’s off putting to some people. So just deal with it. 

And here are some things you should know second up. Wait I said ‘straight’ above right? Not ‘first’? So I guess I should say here are some things you should know bendy up:

- You can ignore most of the above if you’re one of the lucky few who happen to NOT have a French Fry tongue. 

- You can also ignore this if you’re one of the absolute rare breed of person who never yells at gulls.

- Also overall these are some all some thoughts from me which might even be to absurd for ME! And I have a god damn leg of lamb as an arm. And also I’m ME! 

- Still I want to start posting this nonsense more, if you got this far thanks! 

- Also what food products DO you have in place of body parts? Let me know, and I’ll be sure to have advice more specifically focused on your personal situation in two shakes of a lambs tail. 

- Which incidentally is a phrase that always makes my arm ache, I have no idea why.

- The World sure is weird sometimes.

- Glad we all have this blog to escape back into normality from time to time.

No, NO, KNOW!!!

Look we all know a couple of things in life, and that's all. Just a couple of things, things we know for SURE.

And I'm not saying 'sure' in a -'go to the beach with you? Sure!' - way, when let's face it, by 'sure' you mean 'only if it's by the shore, I'm not going to no fucking lake beach motherfucker, oh also only if the weather is nice, sometimes it's windy and I get sand in my face, that's not very pleasant'. No I mean 'sure' like 'do something enjoyable with you which I personally have no exclusions or special need requirements? Sure!' way. And I'm talking when this unnamed person who is asking the questions you're responding 'sure', among other things, to is someone that the following could be an answer about them you'd say - 'do I think they're swell? Sure'! 

And those things we know are as follows:

- If you wanted to drink the entire ocean you'd want at LEAST a week.

- Buyer beware.... Of that cannon! Holy fuck, who brought a cannon into this juice kiosk? 

- There are many ways to skin a cat.

- Love, love is all you need (assuming they love you back, which they don't).

- Cynicism is swell. 

- The beaches are hard to swim at when the swell is too big.

- Fuck, why am I referencing the beach a lot today? I don't even like the beach.

- I wonder if it's because I got a lot of sun today?

- Maybe.

- I don't know.

- Who the fuck knows how my brain works.

- Lists are fun.

- If you really studied the fibers of your home carpet it'd probably end up looking really, really gross.

- Probably the same thing with the inside of a wetsuit.

- I bet if they DO love you back, at least one of you occasionally wears a wetsuit! Gross!

- Man you people make me sick.

- Jealousy is also swell. 

And that's it! That's all we know for sure. It's not a lot. It's a depressingly small amount of things that we know.

Well I say NO, we should all know more things to be able to say 'no, I don't need to know more about that, I already know enough, and no I won't go to the beach with you, and I think you know why I said no'.

THAT'S the sort of world I want to live in. And I'm going to make is so. So here is, something you may not already know, but should know: 

There is ALSO a lot of ways to RESKIN a cat! 

You know after it's been skinned. Which should be called deskinned shouldn't it. It started out with skin. You're not doubling its skin. You're removing skin. I mean if you 'scan' a document you're not removing the scan from it. Fucking language assholes, we're putting skin on a cat, so we're skinning a cat, why do the animal cruelty people get the cool word! (You know what, just for that grammar and word police, I'm not going to use flawless grammar and the like in today's blog, suck on that!) 

So here is, ways to RE-skin a cat:

1.  Buy some new skin at Cat Skin R Us, some cat skin glue at Skin Glue U Asked, and some cat skin glue applicators at Application Z Kt (kitty) Glue, and simply follow instructions.

2. Go to KFC, grab several huge buckets of original recipe chicken, take it to a party where every guest is a heavy subscriber to the carb free lifestyle, come by in the morning and collect all the skin they peeled off the chicken. Eat it (it IS the best bit) then repeat step 1.

3. Spend way too long at the beach, until your skin is all burned and peels off. Collect said skin. Put it in a small tub. Give it to a girl, saying 'this is the latest skin fad from Europe'. Watch her rub it into her skin. If her skin looks great the next few days then take out a patent on your new invention. If her skin looks awful then tell her what the product really was and laugh a lot. Then repeat number 1. 

4. Buy a life sized cat toy. Empty it out. Put your skinned cat inside. When it chews it's way out of this toy shell, then repeat step 1. 

5. Do nothing for an hour. Then repeat step 1.

6. Grow a new cat on the back of a rat, like they did with that ear that time. As it grows take bets on both when the rats back cat will turn on its

host rat and also whether the rat or the cat will win the fight. Use your vast winnings to repeat step 1.

So there you have it, six easy ways to reskin a cat. And now you know one more thing to add to your list of things you know. Now please don't make the rest of us look ignorant, you best be off to finish drinking the ocean, you've only got four more days! 

Tidal

Here’s some advice: Never walk away from a moon fight.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘moons don’t have arms, which means their punches will be more like belly jams, and jam tastes like the fruit it was made from, and making things is damn near like witchcraft you physco’

Um, ‘Moons don’t have arms’ – Um, how do you know they don’t have arms? Oh you know every moon do you? Sure the moon that the earth keeps as a pet has no arms, but that just makes the earth loyal and progressive, like that guy that lives at the beach with the three-legged one-eyed dog. Sure it probably lost those two physical parts of itself in a fight with a weird sea-creature, that lives in an abandoned 1968 Volkswagen Beatle that was dumped into the ocean by a heart broken former owner who was just broken up with by a girl named Vicky Wagner, who liked to write letters and sign them with her initials within in a heart, which then had a thought bubble that said ‘wow, VW, like the car, I never noticed that before’ and then had an arrow pointing at the thought bubble with the words ‘I could have saved space had I just written B4’ written next to it, and then had an arrow pointing at this sentence with the words ‘or just skipped this’ written next to it, and that the man at the beach refuses to tell the world that the sea-creature exists, for fear that it will next attack specifically to take him out, and at night when he’s typically debating the institutionalized nature of worm farms, so he’s not paying attention, and because he’s German and is sick of them looking bad in the media, and that if he wasn’t so concerned with his debates, and just moved to the park next to the beach like a normal person, then his dog would never have had to protect him from attacks from the sea, but you still like him, because he kept the dog, so maybe OTHER moons had arms, but just lost them protecting people from sea attacks. I mean every moon has a stupid, arrogant, always smiling face; surely some of them develop arms to punch that! That’s just logic.

Oh and don’t bash belly jams, fruit jams are too seedy, and who wants to eat something seedy, other than TV chefs, and they always wear jackets that button up funny, and buttons can get in kids throats and choke them to death damn it!

Oh, and um, it’s spelled - Phyco, physco, phscho, fuck, sych, holy shit… psycho! There I did it, so fuck you!

The point is, never walk away from a moon fight, or else the sea-creatures win, which they will eventually anyway, I blame Vicky Wagner, what a fucking space waster.

On the lip - A Poem

Jessica sat on the lips of the steps leading down to the beach. 

'If only these steps could talk' she thought to herself with a rye chuckle.

'Holy crap, it'd probably tell Harry's wife what we did here, and she'd come and carve my fucking vagina out!'

So she took out her lighter, crushed it with her foot, dropped her cigarette on it, and lit it all on fire.

As she ran back to her car, the bathers on the beach were noticeably intrigued by the the cry that echoed off the sand banks...

'That's what you get when you can't keep your mouth shut, you gossiping cunt!' 

Best Day Ever - Who doesn't like treats?

I'm going to go ahead and say it; I like the word 'implement'. In fact I think it's totally swell.

Why? Because when the word 'implement' comes out to play it means that ideas have been had, possibly even discussed, potentially even agreed upon, and perhaps based upon these ideas, discussions and conceivably even agreements, someone's decided to take action. That's plausibly powerful, which is feasibly awesome. Which would be rock solidly great.

Like say if there was a country called 'Implematia', which was a small island nation off the Amelia coast of the former Eastern Block sovereignty of Karacha, which is a region most notable for the nice things they say about Italy. Then say Implematia had a GDP which was heavily dependent on the export of a small grasshopper like insect, called Guggles, which Uzbekistani owners of pet Fire Lizards liked to give as treats, when their lizard’s had been behaving well. Then say that an Implementian politician had had an idea, that was discussed and based on these discussions there was an agreement, which lead to an implementation of this idea. And now add in that the original idea was that there were thousands of Guggles completely infesting the entire island, and that even though the building of some beach resort hotels would most likely disturb a few nests, but not enough to put even a slight dent in the overwhelming infestation of Guggles, far more than could ever be exported to Uzbekistan, so that this part of their GDP would not be disturbed, but that the enormity of potential tourist dollars could not be scoffed at, then the following would probably also be true:

-You’ll all now be wondering if the word ‘Implement’ was coined in Implematia.

- You’ll all now be wondering where you too can get a pet Fire Lizard.

- You’ll all currently be fantasizing about a sweet holiday by the beach in Implematia.

Yep, that’s a great word that implement!

Now even though today has been the best day of my life I have had an issue all day. I went to the dentist a few days ago with teeth that didn’t hurt at all, and now they have hurt every second since I left the dentist, plus because I can’t damn stop tonging the part of the back of my teeth that now feels coarse where the plaque or some shit was scraped out, my tongue hurts like shit too.

So I had an idea to distract me from my teeth and tongue and discomfort and instead be fantasizing about being in a sweet ass beach resort, and I just implemented the fuck out it.

I’ll go ahead and say it, yep I am one genius motherfucker. Although to be honest it didn’t fucking work. Stop tonguing that part Dave, for the love of fucking god why can’t I stop? It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it sucks so bad. I feel like a fucking Fire Lizard three weeks since it’s last Guggle.