The truth about what is about to come, fuck you rapture

Apparently some crazy religious coot has predicted the end of the world again this coming week, and while crazy old coots are rarely wrong I for one think that our impending death is only a small part of the upcoming week that we need to give serious thought about. And as a crazy young coot I am in the perfect position to predict what’s going on. Here are MY predictions for the IMPORTANT stuff that’s going to happen this week. Take THAT old man!

A volcano on a small island of Indonesia will erupt; no one was hurt as it will be the first volcano to erupt soapy water. It is shall become the world’s biggest slip n slide!

Hell Yeah! We should go!

A man will attempt to eradicate starvation in Africa by collecting all pickles picked out of cheeseburgers, and all tofu picked out of Asian food, and sending it over.

Wow that’s gross, in protest I say we all agree to refuse to call cheeseburgers ‘cheeseburgers’ until the other ingredients get the same billing as the cheese!

Double chins will be renamed ‘chin scrotums’ or ‘chotums’ for short.

Damn it, now I wish I had a double chin, where can a guy get a friggin’ cheeseburger around here?

Someone will cook some lamb in New Zealand!

I think I’d make a good parent of a lamb. 'Where's the toilet?' You’re standing on it. 'Where's dinner?' You're standing on it. Well… good luck.

War will once again break out between Israel and Palestine, although both sides will agreed that the only weapons allowed are feathers, a spokesperson will say 'we’re going to laugh about this feud one day any way, why not laugh during it too'

That's awesome I can't wait to see Spielberg’s movie adaptation of the events, I hope it stars me, can any of you teach me a Palestinian accent?

A man will try to impress a horse by telling it ‘I knew your mother before she was glue’

That’s smart of him; if he said ‘before she was dog food’ it may have been upsetting.

Politicians in political settings will do something disappointing

Wait, WHAT? I thought politicians were flawless I'm shocked, damn it the whole world could be about to fucking end, oh my god. We better enjoy ourselves this week; this could be our very last chance to do certain fun activities that in my opinion are most enjoyable when shared between a man and a woman. DAMN YOU POLITICIANS! I bet they’ll even ruin the volcano slip n slide!

A solution to a world wide problem

I am pretty sure that if you collected all the pickles I've picked out of cheeseburgers and all the tofu I have picked out of Asian food then we could make a hell of a lot of people a really gross meal.

I.E.

Africa or something

How to lose weight and eat all that you want

Here is my new invention, by which I mean an idea for an invention; I can’t actually invent it because that takes skills I don’t have, like putting things together, building stuff, and making stuff work. Geez those inventor type people are amazing. Remember when if you were an inventor it meant you were really famous and popular? Wow you must be ninety, what was the depression really like?

I’ve had many ideas for inventions of the years. My best was a photocopier that fed the papers you wish to copy in and out of the copier like how it happens on printer. A couple of years later that invention was invented by one of those amazing people mentioned above, and is now standard on almost all photocopiers. That inventor is now a billionaire and is super-popular (I assume) but we both (if by both you mean I) know that I was the real inventor, or idea guy.

I have been going to the gym a lot lately, I have a bet going with a couple of mates about dropping some weight, and I don’t want to drop all the delicious food I like, and that got me thinking, here it is, my invention:

It’s a treadmill that has a computer built in where you type in everything you have eaten since you last worked out, and it just keeps spinning till you have burnt off all the calories you need to burn off.

It would be great for everyone:
- Like eating lots of cheeseburgers? You now spend seven hours a day in the gym.
- Anorexic? You will probably not get carpel tunnel syndrome from excessive typing.
- Small already obese child? The machine will be programmed to call child protective services on your parents while you run.
- Struggle with motivation? It comes with a cage and cattle prong thrusting into your butt device.
- Bulimic and don’t want to do math? Comes with special scale to weigh your puke bucket.
- Celebrity? We’ll provide a small African child to eat food and exercise for you.
- Elderly? You lived through the depression so probably don’t have a weight issue.

Still not convinced? Well consider this:

If you ask someone that old adage about that tree falling in the woods, and that person is deaf, do they actually exist?

If you answer “no” to that question then you are probably nuts, but at least your out there doing things, asking questions, that’s called being proactive, which is just like my machine.

Order now…. And you’re also nuts, because as I mentioned above I don’t actually invent my inventions, but order in two years, when some young whippersnapper will independently come up with my idea (steal it) and become rich and famous, and provide himself a small African child so he’ll never have to use his own machine ever again.