Thursday, June 30, 2011

Driving Dave

Cars are things that men use to show off, to go fast in, to feel powerful and virile, and are things women, and I, use to get places.

Actually according to two minutes of research I just did on the Internet men like cars because they crave power, and because they feel cars are an extension of them, or part of them, or something. Really? If you want power and an extension of yourself, why not just play with your arm, and then start a dictatorship (why do you think dictators always have a signature salute? And also start ‘arms races’!)

I’ve never had any love for cars. Truth be told I’d rather have the ugliest car in the world than a Ferrari, and actually I do really want the ugliest car in the world, because I like to handicap my relationships with women by being pretentiously weird. To me cars are just things to get me places. Except for the past two years when I haven’t had a car and have been using trains/ buses and walking to get places. (By the way, really fat people, walking is that thing you do to get from the toilet to the fridge, well you can also use it to get places, it’s awesome, give it a fighting chance).

The thing is not just one thing but several things:
- I don’t care about macho stuff.
- I don’t like to drive, being the passenger lets me think about things other than ‘what the fuck is this guy doing?’
- I have just spent the past two years jumping back and forth from left side of street driving to right side, and it messed with my head so much I have no idea where I am supposed to look anymore.
- When you lend someone a car and they really enjoy it and then you take it back for three weeks, don’t drive it once, and then hear about how much harder life was for borrowee in said time you feel bad for taking it back.
- I want to be thinner and a walk to the shops helps me avoid the gym by fooling myself ‘It must be four blocks to the shops, that’s the same as 45 minutes on a treadmill right? Pass me that pizza’.

So what happened was I signed up for three classes at the prestigious acting school NIDA right here in Sydney, where I am back living, and I realized something: I need to take a train and a bus to NIDA, in rush hour, and it was going to add probably 2 and a half to 3 hours times 3 to my week for 8 weeks, which is possibly up to 72 hours wasted staring at office workers who have contempt for my casual life-style. I decided instead to ask for my car back, and drive to class.

My eight weeks of classes ended this past Monday night, so I finally had some free time two days later to go and pick up my car. Yay. I can finally get places I no longer need to go, hoorah.

This was my first drive in anyway in 9 months, and my first drive in my own city for over 2 years. I was kind of nervous to be honest.

Here is a bunch of things I observed:
- Your lights don’t turn on themselves, in an old car, unlike other people’s cars that are new and expensive or old and still aren’t turned on by me (resist a sex joke, resist a sex joke, good boy, for once, David).
- You have to really concentrate to drive, damn it, I hate concentrating, it’s like trying to eat while playing ring a ring a rosie (which I do all the time).
- At one point I nearly got as fast as 70km per hour (in a 70 zone) holy crap it felt fast.
- The fact that felt fast really shows just how much I really don’t concentrate on the driving when other people drive me.
- Someone asked me to spell bureau yesterday, which finally reminds me why the hell that word randomly appeared in my I-phone notes for this blog; there is an hour of tedium I won’t get back.
- It’s tedious driving; you have to think about what you’re doing and not on trying to think of funny words that rhyme with slinky.
- I had to go backwards to park, I hate backwards things and thoughts and people and directions, will my torture never end.
- Stinky, blinky, finicky, krinky, funky, twinky ha ha, words that kind of rhyme with slinky are hilarious!

For those of you like me let’s now play the game of annoying people for no reason. Here is how it works, change the word ‘understand’ in a sentence with ‘got’ at a time where it doesn’t work as an exact synonym for. Here is one for you:

“I got a car!” you say.
“Oh awesome” they reply, strangely not asking for more information.
“Why, most people have understood cars for years” you say back with desperate hurt in your voice.
‘What sort?” they ask, after a long, long, uncomfortable silence.

Cars are awesome.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Time for me to man up

This week I decided to do something that goes against every instinct I have – that’s right I decided to do something manly.

Manliness for some reason is not my forte. Things like quirkiness, silliness, and giddy with girlish glee come to me as easily pants come off a nudist (the manliest of all fetish groups), but things that men do simply do not inspire me in any way.

There is a retarded saying that gets thrown around a lot ‘boys will be boys’. Thanks genius. It is a completely pointless saying that adds absolutely nothing to society, and it is one of the few sentences that if you swap the word ‘boy’ with anything else - still works. Consider these examples:

- Boxes will be boxes
- Salmonella will be salmonella
- Genocide will be genocide

All remain as useless, and as innocent and lovely as the saying ‘boys will be boys’ yet that’s the one that stuck. Try replacing boy in these sentences with random words that I will in no way pick specifically to support my point:

Boy bands suck. Replace ‘boy’ with ‘great’ and you get:

Great Bands suck.

No they don’t, they’re great.

By the way former boy bander Lance Bass wants to start a boy band reality show, he was quoted as saying ‘time to get back to what I was born to do, making the world a far worse place’.

Try this one:

Catholic Priests have a reputation for molesting young boys.

Replace ‘boys’ with ‘IPads’

And you get:

Catholic Priests have a reputation for molesting young IPads.

That’s just stupid, I mean for starters the Catholic Church has been around for centuries, where as IPads are very new, and this makes both the word ‘young’ redundant, and the word ‘reputation’ historically false. Plus why would they molest an IPad? They have so many better uses (Access to facebook to stalk former ‘play things’ to make sure they haven’t spoken up yet).

Point is whoever coined the phrase ‘boys will be boys’ was an idiot. And yet he makes a good point. Because - boys often act ‘instinctually’ boy like. I wasn’t one of those; I was always far more concerned with re-coining flawed phrases than traditional young boy activities like fighting, playing with trucks or circle-jerks.

Still sometimes even I have to man up, and this week was one of those times, I had a major kitchen appliance on the frits (a word meaning ‘not working lets sulk and eat fritters’) and I had to man up and take action. That’s right, my dishwasher broke so I bought a new one and had someone else organize a plumber to come install it. ‘Goooo Dave MAN!!!’

Having a dishwasher installed is not as simple as it may seem. First I had to prepare my apartment. The dishwasher had been broken approximately a week; we are a household of three men in their adolescent twenties and thirties, with immature jobs like writer, IT programmer for the Reserve Bank of Australia, and Anesthetist. So there was no way any of us could figure out how to wash a dish in that week. But once again it was left to me to man up, I bought ‘washing dishes for dummies’ the audio book, and I did in fact figure out how to wash the dishes, which by now included every single thing in the kitchen, including plastic knives and forks, and several ripped up cereal boxes. It only took 4 hours.

Next I had to face yet more idiocy. The plumber called me at the ungodly hour of 8am! Damn you. And why did he call me then? To tell me that he’d be at my place in three hours. Basically - ‘Wake up, wake up, I need to tell you that you can have three hours more sleep if you want to’ thanks plumber. (For the record god now only operates between 11am and 7pm, the rest of the time he is playing with his IPad).

The hardest part was still to come of course. I was going to have to make conversation for an hour or two with a plumber.

‘What is a plumber exactly?’ I hear you ask. Well a plumber is someone who went to a career counselor and was asked:
‘What do you love?’
‘Other people’s toilets, especially crawling behind the urine covered floor of broken ones’ came the reply.
‘Good news, we have two options for that, heroin addict or plumber?’
‘Would I have to eat plumbs?’
‘Nope its all crawling behind the urine covered floor of broken toilets all the time’
‘Yippeee’ and a plumber was born.

I HATE making conversation with tradesmen, and not because of the toilet thing, but because these people are real men. The real reason they take this job is because when they were kids they liked to fight, play with trucks and circle-jerk, and these boys graduate from that into adults who get into fights, drive trucks and circle-jerk, I mean know how to fix things.

Talking to these people panics me for some reason. I just know I am going to be caught out.
‘Fixed anything lately?’ they’re bound to ask me.
‘Yes of course…….. I have penis, um, clearly, um so I, yeah, I fix stuff all the time, I had this wooden thing, that um, had one of those metal spiral things’
‘A screw?’
‘Yeah and I, um hammered it’
‘You hammered a screw?’
‘No no, of course not, I mean………. I’m sorry, I’m a fraud, I’m not a real man, I have never fixed anything, I can’t even fix myself a sandwich, I don’t get it, you keep broken sandwiches around? Why don’t you just buy a new one!!!!!!’

This particular plumber was pretty good. He was very quick to laugh, and he laughed with his whole face and with eyes shut in a way that would have been adorable on a girl (like me). So I set my game plan to turn everything back to a joke, even as he sometimes tried to turn the conversation to manly things. At one point he showed me how to empty out a flooded, broken dishwasher (you pour the dirty water all over my floor) and other times he would mention things about pipes, and glue and other things I know nothing about, but I got through those by being rude and pretending to not hear him, and eventually all was saved, and the dishwasher was installed. We plan to test it out only after dirtying every dish in the place and then playing a game of ‘I hope my roommate puts some of that disgusting pile in the dishwasher soon so I don’t have to’. And I was free once again to spend my time thinking mostly about non-manly stuff.

For the record here is a list of things I can comfortably discuss in more detail and with more enthusiasm than fixing things:

- Barbie dolls
- Toilet paper
- Types of microwave popcorn
- Types of tropical fish
- The symbolism inherent in every afternoon cry
- What it feels like to have a pap smear
- Interesting ways to fit the word rash into a sentence (for example I don’t say I have a pile of vomit on my carpet, I say I have a ‘rash’ of vomit on my carpet)
- Manly fetish groups

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Natalie Portman’s Vagina

TV Host: Welcome to ‘Everything Placenta’ the show where we talk about placenta, because why not, it exists, it’s important to the creation of humans, and humans grow up to be people, and some of them are pretty nice, so that’s important people, stop being so queasy and prejudice, what did placenta ever do to you, I’ll tell you what, it allowed you to exist!!!!!!

I am getting a word from my producer Steve to stop berating the audience, so I’ll move on.

Oh yeah, on a lighter note, today is the best day ever! I mean the absolute best, like the awesome. Shut up Steve I am getting on with it. Today is the bestest day ever, but only because something happened yesterday, Natalie Portman gave birth you guys, wow. Hasn’t it seemed like she’s been pregnant for about twelve years?

We have been given a very special interview……

I told you I didn’t want to say that Steve!

Put down the cue card, I’m not saying that.

Ok fine, you wanker, ok…. Ugh… I once charged a bull, but it turned out its battery was already full (silence) see Steve you tool, and I am full of charge to welcome a very, very special guest Natalie Portman’s used placenta!!!!!!!!!!

(Huge applause as a crystal vase filled with Natalie Portman’s used placenta)

TV Host: Thanks for being here, Natalie Portman’s used placenta

Natalie Portman’s used placenta: Thanks for having me, just call me Plenty, not because I’m placenta, but because I’m famous so I’m making…. Plenty of cash!

TV Host: Ha Ha, we should get you writing our introductions!

Plenty: Anytime TV Host

TV Host: Ha Ha, I’m not famous….. (awkward silence) so anyway, how did this all begin for you?

Plenty: Well this one day I just opened my eyes and I felt hazy and disorientated, I had no idea where I was, so I felt around myself and was like eeeeewwwww, what is this white disgusting salty goo all over me?

TV Host: Ha ha, I think I… know what that was?

Plenty: It was pretty traumatic and gross actually TV Host, to tell the truth I was so grossed out that I started puking my guts out only, thing is, when you’re placenta the puke just attaches itself onto you and becomes you and you grow more and more the more you puke.

TV Host: Sounds like the Blob?

Plenty: I later found that wasn't goo but seminal fluid and it was literally the thing that gave me life, I guess I owe it a huge apology!

TV Host: So then what did you do?

Plenty: Well once old mate seminal fluid dripped off me I had a look around and thought ok, it ‘s small and cozy, moist some of the time but not always, and it smelled wonderful ALL THE TIME, and it was so nice that I thought “this is the greatest place on earth” and then I thought “where is the greatest place on earth?” Then it hit me “the greatest place on earth would be inside Natalie Portman’s vagina!”

TV Host: It would be pretty amazing in there!

Plenty: Hell Yeah, after that I couldn't stop singing, “I'm in Natalie Portman’s vagina, I'm in Natalie Portman’s vagina” it was awesome! But then, and I hate to say this, but after a few months, even being in the most wonderful place on earth, it started to get tedious.

TV Host: But you had company?

Plenty: Yeah, this kid started growing around me and at first I was excited but it turned out he was a real brat, he was all “don't you know who I am? My mum was in ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’ what have you ever done?” and we ended up having huge fights so I tried to stay silent most of the time.

TV Host: What did you do to pass the time?

Plenty: Well, in the final few months, occasionally the head of an Academy Award would come and play peek-a-boo with me for ten or fifteen minutes, then Natalie’s whole body would shudder and the head of the Academy Award would disappear for a few days…. I looked forward to those days.

TV Host: Awwww, that’s really sweet. So how did it all end?

Plenty: I was having a huge fight with the brat, that idiot thought ‘Your Highness’ was a great follow up to ‘Black Swan’ and I said she needed to follow up with something that WASN’T really crap and instead make more movies like ‘Garden State’ and so we’re screaming at each other then the kid goes “Fuck this place and fuck you” and he just squeezes his way out this tunnel, I tried to follow so I could tell him that doing a movie with Ashton Kutcher is always a bad idea but that sex movie was a disgrace to your mum’s talent but then I found myself sitting back and enjoying a once in a lifetime experience, yep I was literally slowly oozing out of Natalie Portman’s Vagina.

TV Host: Oh my god it sounds AMAZING. What have you been up to since then?

Plenty: Oh you know, I've been doing all the talk shows, I have a photo shoot with Vanity Fair tomorrow lifes...

(David Tieck bursts on the set)

TV Host: Sorry sir, you can’t be here, Steve get this idiot off the set.

David Tieck: Did that thing just say it just oozed out of Natalie Portman’s Vagina?

TV Host: Yes.

David Tieck: Oh my god I need that inside of me.

Plenty: Oh my god what’s happening, put me down, put me down, what’s that a spoon? Don’t put that in me, oh my god, oh my god, nooooooooooo, aaagghhhhaaaghghh!!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary

It was a chilly and windy evening in early autumn (I think) in the trendy bohemian (know it all) inner west suburb of Glebe in Sydney (a city). It was early in the evening, people were eating their dinner, happy, out on Thursday at the pub, and looking for a nice evening on dates (how do people get those thing) or with friends. The scene was set for a fun night for all, but no one was prepared for what was about to take place.

David Tieck (sometime comedian)
“I hadn’t performed in a few weeks, and was still pretty new to the art form so I was very nervous that night. Add to the fact that this was also my first ever gig to a paying audience and the biggest audience (people who sit together and all look at the same thing) I had ever played (more than 20) so yeah, you could say I was nervous, really nervous, knees knocking, butterflies, the whole shebang, but I knew it was going to be ace, because I AM ace”.

David was not at very intelligent at this part of his comedy career (or now).

David Tieck (sometime comedian) “Truth be told I had never even been to a pub stand up comedy night (the dark part of the day) and I wasn’t really sure what would take place, but I knew it would be ace, because people like to laugh, and I liked making people laugh, and these were people who were going out specifically to laugh, and I was booked because I convinced (the opposite of a light bulb) the club booker that this was something I was capable (the parallel of a glass of orange juice) of, and that’s an ace coincidence (also a c word). Plus I thought I could pull it off because I was confident (not a ‘see’ word)”.

David was a cocky fool and nervous, a clusterfuck (The word Elvis thought meant window “did you see the bird flying past the clusterfuck this morning? Really fun and exciting” he’d say) of opposite psychological forces that in the world of stand-up comedy can be a disaster guaranteed (a word that means ‘likely’) to happen. And as we’ve already pointed out David was not very intelligent about his stand-up comedy so that makes it even worse.

David Tieck (Somewhat a curtain) “I had a few weeks to prepare so I picked out my five best (a word that means ‘likely’) jokes that I had worked on before, but as the weeks drifted by I found myself coming up with ace new ways of doing them (a word that means ‘them’).”

David being the unintelligent poorly educated, and lazy (didn’t even check out one of their nights in advance to see what the tone of the evening would be, I mean what a dick) started to think that the way to make these jokes funnier was to make them wronger, really wrong, wronger than a wrong wacky witch in Wrongville (a town in Pennsylvania).

David Tieck (Sometimes can do similar things as curtains) “I came up with some ace new jokes. I was really, really looking forward to telling them, it was going to be ace (a word that’s ace)”.

Now this dickhead David had weeks to learn a mere five minutes of material, that he wrote, and intelligent comedians (ones not like David) know that it way fucking easier to learn stuff you wrote yourself than to learn other people’s shit, and this dude did write this stuff (What you put up Turkeys asses) so he should have had no problem learning his jokes.

David Tieck (Stand him in front of a ‘clusterfuck’ and you can’t see out, just like a curtain, see what I mean?) “I knew I was going to be nervous and I didn’t want to forget my jokes, so I wrote one word reminders on my hand so if I forgot (when you wear too much lipstick) I could look down and see the word and remember (when you LOVE climbing on statues) and I could then tell it. It was an ace way to not forget and also I came up with an ace joke about it in case people noticed and it was so good a joke that I kind of wanted to be noticed so I could tell the ace joke (a thing people tell to make people laugh)”.

So this fucking douche starts out and he’s doing awful - nervous, twitching, shaky voice, and no confidence in his delivery at all. What a wanker.

David Tieck (Can you see through a curtain? No! Can you see through David Tieck? No! It’s pretty simple). “I started out doing really ace, I mean I was really nervous but I covered (another fucking c word) it up pretty well, and at one point a guy in the audience goes ‘holy shit he’s fucking losing it’ and I thought ‘that’s ace, comedians on stage, comedians in the audience, this is ace’ so I decided to use my hand with words written on it joke”.

Then this tool David tells this horrible, disgusting (when its really old people having sex in front of you) joke.

David Tieck (I mean you can’t like close him or anything but that’s not the point, he can do the job if you need him) “So things are going ace so I decide to use (what addicts do) my ace joke”

He just fucking says it.

David Tieck (sometime curtain) “So I just say it all ace like”

“Some of you may have noticed I have writing on my hand, but it’s not for my act or anything it’s because I plan on masturbating later and I find it way easier if I pretend I just cheated on an English test in school, that way I don’t feel guilty for thinking about twelve year old boys”.

And the audience just groans in disapproval (a state of not liking things).

David Tieck (ace comedian) “I don’t remember how it went, I was kind of nervous (a state of being ace) and so I assumed it was ok, because seriously that’s an ace joke”.

He said plenty of other shit (where food ends up) and they all sucked, but thinking of twelve-year-old boys, that shit is just wrong!

David Tieck (fucked in the head) “I mean I have said worse stuff, like in my private (a low status job in the army) life and all, I say wronger jokes all the time, once after Lilly Allen was in the news because she had sadly had a miscarriage (a party game you play with kids) and my friends and I were having an argument over the attractiveness (whether you think they’re ace or just totally bangable) of Lilly Allen and some of us thought she was just all right, but I think she is fucking gorgeous so I said ‘I want to bang her so bad I'd blow a load all over her NEXT miscarriage’ it was ace. But you know wrong”.

This knucklehead has never been asked back to perform at that club, and never bloody will. I just pray that he’s never said anything wronger, although sometimes at night I wake up screaming after dreaming he just has (the space where a train would be if it was there although it’s not there right now, but will probably come back).

This has been The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary (a type of film that’s all true, except the politically charged ones).

Credit music rolling.

David went on to quit stand up comedy “I didn’t really like it” he said. He now owns a massage parlour that promises ‘Happy Endings’ (a hand-job) but then fails to deliver ‘Happy Endings’ (also a type of curtain with pictures of ceiling fans on them) and gets his kicks arguing with unhappy customers “they laugh way more than stand-up comedy audiences”.

Bill Jones who was in the audience that night gave up being a pedophile that very night “I realized that it really wasn’t funny.”

Lily Allen got married and announced her new pregnancy this past weekend “I’m glad I met a great man, there are some real sick psychos out there”.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Back in context

Now its time to play a little game I like to call “back in context”. Hell Yeah!

Well known and celebrity type people like to sometimes like to complain that they get quoted out of context well I’m the type of dude who likes to do shit different so I prefer to put stuff “Back in context”. I like to call this game “Back in context”, which is something that I mentioned earlier but I didn’t mention before that this is all about putting things “Back in context” if you know what I mean.

Here is an example:

Kim Kardashian was quoted this week saying “I love my bum”!

Wow, that’s great, love is awesome, I have been told by people who have enjoyed it, apparently a lot of people enjoy this “phenomenon” wow, it’s a phenomenon now, and I am still left out, that means you name shit wrong you wankers!

Unfortunately for Kim the entire quote was:

“I love my bum, one time I was loving it so much that in the middle of a pie eating contest I was distracted and found myself fingering out my bum right in front of everyone”.

Really Kim, that’s fucking awful, you were in a pie eating competition? Those are so wasteful. I hate pie waste. On the other hand, you finger your own bum, hell yeah, I did that once, awesome! Also the rhyme, that’s pretty awesome, rhyme is awesome, it’s like ballsome, only better, because nothing that rhymes with awesome is worth shit.

You see how this works? I make a truth into an insult to a celebrity back into an insult of myself. It’s like “Back in context” only more like “how awesome is this?”

Here is one I prepared earlier.

Emma Watson was quoted this week about her lack of a love life saying:

“Guys are intimidated by me”

Really, guys are intimidated by a freaking gorgeous, super successful “holy crap you can have any guy you want just pick who you want” kind of girl. It’s pretty tough, but then again consider the entire quote:

“Guys are intimidated by me. I just want to meet a nice guy who regularly beats off to Harry Potter One”

Oh my god, Emma? That’s wrong man. A few days ago I beat off looking at a freaking gorgeous picture of you in a pink sports bra after you’d been to the Gym and I did not think about Harry Potter One, because I’ve never seen it, I instead thought “Wow I wish every girl on earth was watching me masturbate right now so they’d see that guys don’t actually like the whole ‘makeup’ made up shit as much as we like the real you” that’s how “Back in context” more superior I think I am over you, and here I am making up paedophiliac thoughts of yours? What’s wrong with you?

Here is a brilliant one, so brilliant that I have to invent a new word for super brilliant that I am coining as we speak “cutoffdenimlikethrow”!!!!!!! Oh fuck, I fucked up that coining, stupid stupid stupid Dave, then again this really is pretty fucking still pretty cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!!:

Lindsay Lohan was quoted saying:

“I’m totally clean”.

Awesome Lindsay, that’s awesome, almost “cutoffdenimlikethrow” awesome (it’s growing on me, this word may take off after all)!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you, if you get clean then you’re only “getting talent” away from getting the success you deserve, i.e. way less that you’ve enjoyed, but holy cutoffdenimlikethrow did you fuck up when I realised that the full quote was:

“I’m totally clean…ing this mirror before I snort coke off it, one time I snorted up some Oreo cookie dust, and let’s just say that wasn’t an attractive sight, you know, because I’ve never been attractive”.

Wow, Lindsay? Why say something like that about yourself? Snorting coke is epic-ally beautiful, your face and body is gross, but your lifestyle, wow, so sexy. Of course think in mind this real quote from me:

“I’d pound Lindsay Lohan once for every freckle on her ass!”

Keep in mind the last person I tongue kissed was when I got mouth raped by a guy named Oscar, and that was months ago, so that’s pretty shit for me to have as a reality.

Blake Lively had nude photos this week and this week is also apparently dating known homosexual Leonardo DeCaprio because he likes having “beards”, and is “really famous” and is “really talented” and Blake Lively “really needs credibility” but Leo probably should be all like “I like cock and acting” cause who gives the slightest shit AND matters. Also that Weiner bloke did some shit related to cock, the very thing that Leo likes!!!!! That’s cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!! I wish I had a quote about it I like, but I “Back in context” don’t.

“That’s lazy Dave”.
“Yes it is David”.

Also Jennifer Love Hewitt, the very actress I have been in love with since I first saw her as “Sarah” on “Party of Five” and still love despite her cutoffdenimlikethrow crazy thoughts on engagement rings and vagina adornment (she’s cutoffdenimlikethrow for them, where as I am totally cutoffdenimlikethrow against them) yet that smile man, holy fuck that smile) I am cutoffdenimlikethrow a smile guy by the way and she has a cutoffdenimlikethrow smile, and also she was revealed this to be the rotten tomato websites:

“Worst reviewed actress of all time”

Sorry reviewers but I’d still bone her – take that all you people who always tell me my standards are too high! But I will never tell why (holy fuck that cutoffdenimlikethrow smile is fucking gorgeous).

Quote by Dave:

“What did I say ‘cutoffdenimlikethrow” was supposed to mean again?

The “back in context” quote was:

“People don’t like me but I’m fine with it….. because I’m going to drown my sorrows with a three week sex marathon with David Tieck”

Holy shit!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH, fucking cutoffdenimlikethrow YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hey Dave?
Yeah David?
Who “actually” wrote that quote?
I did.
That’s you, not her!

UHOUGUGO OH dhc fucking bullshit man, bullshit! Why can’t “I” meet a lovely girl, and get that “love” people talk about, they’re all like “I “cutoffdenimlikethrow love, I love it so much I’d pound it once for every freckle on its ass!”

Fuck em!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Literally a slice to my balls

There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!

Fun facts about scientists:

- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.

Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.

Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.

Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.

So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!

So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

I'd still go

I just randomly found on my bedroom floor five French Francs!

Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.

Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!

Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.

“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.

Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.

1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)

2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)

3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)

4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”

5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!

I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I know what you’re thinking

“No you don’t”

But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”

And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”

And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”

And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.

So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.

Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.

I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).

Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:

- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days

Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.

Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!

Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.

Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….

The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”

Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.

Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.

Well here it is anyway, I guess.

You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.

See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..

You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)

See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!