I just randomly found on my bedroom floor five French Francs!
Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.
Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!
Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.
“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.
Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.
1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)
2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)
3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)
4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”
5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!
I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.