I know what you’re thinking

“No you don’t”

But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”

And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”

And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”

And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.

So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.

Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.

I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).

Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:

- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days


Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.

Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!

Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.

Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….

The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”

Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.

Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.

Well here it is anyway, I guess.

You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.

See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..

You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)

See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!

Comments