Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Your Own Private Sun

I know what you're all currently thinking - 'I'd love to have a nice tan, but outside people stare at me, and those sun-bed things a too glowey and blue'.

And you're absolutely correct, the current methods of tanning are deeply flawed, annoying and even different from how you DREAM they could be. 

However, I must implore you, before you do something drastic, and I know exactly what you're planning, please, please take note of these basic things to think about BEFORE, in order to have a way to properly sun-tan in a fun and convenient, blue glowless way - you use science to create your own mini-sun in your living room - and I'm not talking about like a fake one, I'm saying a genuine star, an endlessly flaming ball of gas, with a gravitational pull, and no off switch.

1. There's also the option of a fake one.
2. A real sun is fucking dangerous. Sun flares, UV Rays, the fact if you look at it you'll go blind, interference with your TV signal, so like you may end up watching TV with a slight hum to the soundtrack! That's a big risk to take. 
3. Plus if having a tan stops being of major interest to you, you can't just turn off a sun. It's not like a bucket of water will do it, it may take three or four buckets!! 
4. You'll probably first have to become the greatest scientist that's ever lived, and are you sure a tan goes well with those white lab coats you'll now always be wearing? 
5. Cause lab coat tan lines are only sexy to a small, yet committed, group of a very specific type of person. 
6. That is people who are both science nerds and yet influenced by fashion magazine ideas of what constituents beauty, with an active willingness to accept that neither camp will be fully satisfied, yet both well represented. 
7. Occasionally you're going have to deal with a hobo using your sun to cook a pigeon on a stick.
8. To become the greatest scientist who ever lived you'll probably have to read at least one, maybe two, science books, and those can be dense with Sciency stuff. 
9. If you wear blue tinted sun-glasses even this star may look blue, glowey even, at least when it's day time, which for you will now be always. 
10. All that vitamin D is going to make your vitamin B supplies jealous. 
11. Guests to your home will probably start saying 'excuse me, what the hell is that?' And if you're already conversing with them, which you most likely will be, the 'excuse me' will come off as redundant and rude. 
12. You won't need a clothes dryer anymore, so if you've just bought one you've wasted your money, how can you be trusted to take care of a star if you can't even take care of your own god damn finances? 
13. It'll take up space that could be used to store an awesome ice-sculpture.
14. And no, you DEFINITELY can't have both.
15. Unless you have really, really good air-conditioning. 
16. If you have any ghost friends they may not understand why you don't respect their night time spooky activities, so you're opening yourself up for some ghosts wanting to haunt you, which is impossible during the day, so you're going to have some friggin' frustrated ghosts around, that you'll never see again. 
17. The Society of Sciency Stuff will probably hound you to become a member, which means your social life will be about to get EPIC, meaning your tanning time will plummet. 

So seriously think about it, ARE you willing to deal with ALL that? If so then happy tanning! If not your welcome to come use my sun anytime, or even just come check out my tan lines, 0.0032% of people say 'they're specific and SEXY!' 

The Scientist

Cameron is a scientist.
'But that's not all I am' he'd say when described that way 'I'm also an excellent conversationalist, like watch this - how about this weather, it's actually caused by a cold winds blowing inland off the ocean, running into a pocket of hot air isolated in this valley because of a high pressure system'.
Yeah yeah, ok Cameron I believe you, but let me finish your profile before you talk again please.
'Ok Dave'.

So where was I, oh yes, Cameron is a scientist.
'Sorry, did I not convince you about my conversation skills, that's ok, um, how about the latest episode of that medieval era fantasy series, I found the historical inaccuracies to be both warranted and creative, and rather than take me out of the reality of the scenarios presented they instead added to the drama and intrigue, creating suspense and twists that kept me, the viewer, on the edge of my seat, or more accurately with my back occasionally developing space between it and my upper vertical cushion'.

Yeah ok Cameron, that was good, but if you don't mind, just let me get through this profile before you speak again.

'My apologies'.

Cameron is a scientist.

'Sorry, it's just, you've already said that twice, and I'm not denying the truth in the sentiment, but I am more than a scientist, I have other things about me, I like socializing for example, I was entered in a pub trivia competition the other evening with a merry bunch of fascinating men and women, who all enjoyed my particular take on how I believe pedestrian traffic would flow faster in peak, or rush hour, segments of the day, which are actually typically periods longer than a standard western measurement of an hour, although historically different societies and nations around the world at different times have listed a variety of time periods under a definition of a word that roughly translates into English as an "hour", but the point being the pedestrian traffic would flow smoother if we banned window shopping during busy times, and required casual shoppers to enter the stores they were intrigued by'.

Yes, yes Cameron, that's an excellent idea, but this PROFILE would flow faster if you'd stop interrupting me ok?

'You’re right, I am truly sorry'.

Alright, so, Cameron is a scientist...

'Um, Da..'

BUT BUT BUT, that's not all he is...

'Can I...'


HE'S ALSO, if he'll let me speak, my doubles tennis partner, the inventor of the 'lint roller', a humanitarian known for his many charitable trips to various third world countries, a contributor to the New York Times 'insights into imperiousness' series, a former Tour De France competitor, organizer of the extremely popular East Village Art Walk, a part time brain surgeon, the world’s foremost World War Two era bi-plane wing surfer, a regular CIA consultant in matters regarding national security, one of only eleven known humans who can recite every line of dialogue in the entire godfather series INCLUDING everything said by every extra and background performer, even when what they are saying is not audible, an expert in body language and lip reading, the author of six highly regarded volumes of sonnets, and my long time absolute best friend, is that enough Cameron you needy prick? That was all always in the profile, but you just had to fucking interrupt me didn’t you, so now I look like I have forced all that in to make it look like I wasn’t going to call you ‘just a scientist’ not that that wouldn’t be something to be proud of in itself, and you know what, you didn’t just make me look like a dick, you probably made yourself look stupid too, because now half the people here are thinking ‘wow, what a great introduction, this guy obviously really regards his friend, shame his friend doesn’t seem to reciprocate’ and the other half are thinking ‘he probably made half that shit up just because this Cameron guy was being a needy cunt’, so well done you fucking ass. Anyway, it is Science week here at The Society of Sciency Stuff, and I would like you to please now give a warm, warm The Society of Sciency Stuff welcome, to your keynote speaker, here to give his famous ‘why being a scientist is badass’ speech, ladies and gentleman…. CAMERON!!!!!