Star upon a dream

His mommy had told him to 'dream big'. And his daddy had told him to 'chase his dreams as hard as he could'. And luckily Harold DID have a dream, and he dreamed about it as often as he could, and he was going to chase it as HARD as he could. 

Fortunately for him all Harold dreamed of was to jump over a puddle one day. 

Unfortunately for him there were a few slight problems with this dream, including: 

- It hadn't rained where Harold lived in like forever. 

- He didn't own any gumboots. 

- Even if he did, gumboots would be hard to jump in. 

- And he didn't own any better jumping shoes. 

- And he couldn't jump at all without shoes on. 

- And he didn't know where he could get shoes.

- And even if he did he didn't know how to put on shoes. 

- Also he didn't have any toes, so no shoes would really work out for him.

- Especially seeing as he had no feet.

- Also he didn't have any legs.

- Which meant that even if he attained toes or feet he'd have nowhere to put them.

- And even if he found somewhere to put them it would probably be really expensive to put them there. 

- And putting them there would be nowhere near as good as having them attached there.

- And having things attached is often even more expensive than having things put. 

- Which is bullshit because finding a good put guy can be just as hard as finding a good attach guy. 

- And in these economically downturned times who has the time to put into spending money on finding people? 

- Especially to put into finding an inadequate put guy. 

- As it was Harold ALREADY had significantly limited time to spend on leisure time. 

- Because he didn't even know what the word 'leisure' meant. 

- So why isolate time for it.

- And even if he did he isolate time for it, he didn't own any leisure clothes to leisure in. 

- And even if he did he attain some leisure clothes, he didn't know what leisure clothes were, so he wouldn't be able to grab them. 

- Let alone know how to put them on. 

- And even if he did know what they were, and how to put them on, what would be the point of wearing leisure clothes if he didn't have any shoes.

- Or knowledge of what to do with shoes.

- And he DIDN'T even have toes.

- Or feet.

- Or legs. 

- Also it was a stupid, stupid, stupid dream. 

- As he was around water ALL the time anyway, the stupid idiot. 

- So why not dream about some completely dry spot?

- What a moron.

- It's almost like that tiny brain of his barely even worked. 

- And his brain WAS tiny.

- Because he was a fish

- And it was hard being a fish.

- Because when your a fish if you dream of somewhere dry people call you a moron.  

- Plus he didn't know yet that his girlfriend, the pretty star, was secretly planning to eat him. 

- Also he thought he was dating a completely different species which was cool.

- But he didn't know the star was a starfish. 

- Which is just another kind of fish. 

- At least in name.

- And what sort of stupid fish wants to date a stupid fish? 

- Plus he didn't even know he was a fish. 

- And even if he did know that he was a fish he probably wouldn't like it.

- Because he'd probably soon find out that he did in fact have a gumboot.

- In fact he lived in a sunken one.

- And who wants to find out that they've been telling people that they don't even know what gumboots are when it turns out they live in one? 

But on a nicer note he liked the taste of his own poop. 

Awww.

Happy endings sure are nice. 

Dream Success - A poem

Candida, a farmer from French Guina, claimed she 'never, ever, ever, totally, ever, ever, ever, never want to step foot in a museum!' 

Fortunately for her, her captors wanted nothing more than to shrink her head.

Your Own Private Sun

I know what you're all currently thinking - 'I'd love to have a nice tan, but outside people stare at me, and those sun-bed things a too glowey and blue'.

And you're absolutely correct, the current methods of tanning are deeply flawed, annoying and even different from how you DREAM they could be. 

However, I must implore you, before you do something drastic, and I know exactly what you're planning, please, please take note of these basic things to think about BEFORE, in order to have a way to properly sun-tan in a fun and convenient, blue glowless way - you use science to create your own mini-sun in your living room - and I'm not talking about like a fake one, I'm saying a genuine star, an endlessly flaming ball of gas, with a gravitational pull, and no off switch.

1. There's also the option of a fake one.

2. A real sun is fucking dangerous. Sun flares, UV Rays, the fact if you look at it you'll go blind, interference with your TV signal, so like you may end up watching TV with a slight hum to the soundtrack! That's a big risk to take. 

3. Plus if having a tan stops being of major interest to you, you can't just turn off a sun. It's not like a bucket of water will do it, it may take three or four buckets!! 

4. You'll probably first have to become the greatest scientist that's ever lived, and are you sure a tan goes well with those white lab coats you'll now always be wearing? 

5. Cause lab coat tan lines are only sexy to a small, yet committed, group of a very specific type of person. 

6. That is people who are both science nerds and yet influenced by fashion magazine ideas of what constituents beauty, with an active willingness to accept that neither camp will be fully satisfied, yet both well represented. 

7. Occasionally you're going have to deal with a hobo using your sun to cook a pigeon on a stick.

8. To become the greatest scientist who ever lived you'll probably have to read at least one, maybe two, science books, and those can be dense with Sciency stuff. 

9. If you wear blue tinted sun-glasses even this star may look blue, glowey even, at least when it's day time, which for you will now be always. 

10. All that vitamin D is going to make your vitamin B supplies jealous. 

11. Guests to your home will probably start saying 'excuse me, what the hell is that?' And if you're already conversing with them, which you most likely will be, the 'excuse me' will come off as redundant and rude. 

12. You won't need a clothes dryer anymore, so if you've just bought one you've wasted your money, how can you be trusted to take care of a star if you can't even take care of your own god damn finances? 

13. It'll take up space that could be used to store an awesome ice-sculpture.

14. And no, you DEFINITELY can't have both.

15. Unless you have really, really good air-conditioning. 

16. If you have any ghost friends they may not understand why you don't respect their night time spooky activities, so you're opening yourself up for some ghosts wanting to haunt you, which is impossible during the day, so you're going to have some friggin' frustrated ghosts around, that you'll never see again. 

17. The Society of Sciency Stuff will probably hound you to become a member, which means your social life will be about to get EPIC, meaning your tanning time will plummet. 

So seriously think about it, ARE you willing to deal with ALL that? If so then happy tanning! If not your welcome to come use my sun anytime, or even just come check out my tan lines, 0.0032% of people say 'they're specific and SEXY!'