Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Your Own Private Sun

I know what you're all currently thinking - 'I'd love to have a nice tan, but outside people stare at me, and those sun-bed things a too glowey and blue'.

And you're absolutely correct, the current methods of tanning are deeply flawed, annoying and even different from how you DREAM they could be. 

However, I must implore you, before you do something drastic, and I know exactly what you're planning, please, please take note of these basic things to think about BEFORE, in order to have a way to properly sun-tan in a fun and convenient, blue glowless way - you use science to create your own mini-sun in your living room - and I'm not talking about like a fake one, I'm saying a genuine star, an endlessly flaming ball of gas, with a gravitational pull, and no off switch.

1. There's also the option of a fake one.
2. A real sun is fucking dangerous. Sun flares, UV Rays, the fact if you look at it you'll go blind, interference with your TV signal, so like you may end up watching TV with a slight hum to the soundtrack! That's a big risk to take. 
3. Plus if having a tan stops being of major interest to you, you can't just turn off a sun. It's not like a bucket of water will do it, it may take three or four buckets!! 
4. You'll probably first have to become the greatest scientist that's ever lived, and are you sure a tan goes well with those white lab coats you'll now always be wearing? 
5. Cause lab coat tan lines are only sexy to a small, yet committed, group of a very specific type of person. 
6. That is people who are both science nerds and yet influenced by fashion magazine ideas of what constituents beauty, with an active willingness to accept that neither camp will be fully satisfied, yet both well represented. 
7. Occasionally you're going have to deal with a hobo using your sun to cook a pigeon on a stick.
8. To become the greatest scientist who ever lived you'll probably have to read at least one, maybe two, science books, and those can be dense with Sciency stuff. 
9. If you wear blue tinted sun-glasses even this star may look blue, glowey even, at least when it's day time, which for you will now be always. 
10. All that vitamin D is going to make your vitamin B supplies jealous. 
11. Guests to your home will probably start saying 'excuse me, what the hell is that?' And if you're already conversing with them, which you most likely will be, the 'excuse me' will come off as redundant and rude. 
12. You won't need a clothes dryer anymore, so if you've just bought one you've wasted your money, how can you be trusted to take care of a star if you can't even take care of your own god damn finances? 
13. It'll take up space that could be used to store an awesome ice-sculpture.
14. And no, you DEFINITELY can't have both.
15. Unless you have really, really good air-conditioning. 
16. If you have any ghost friends they may not understand why you don't respect their night time spooky activities, so you're opening yourself up for some ghosts wanting to haunt you, which is impossible during the day, so you're going to have some friggin' frustrated ghosts around, that you'll never see again. 
17. The Society of Sciency Stuff will probably hound you to become a member, which means your social life will be about to get EPIC, meaning your tanning time will plummet. 

So seriously think about it, ARE you willing to deal with ALL that? If so then happy tanning! If not your welcome to come use my sun anytime, or even just come check out my tan lines, 0.0032% of people say 'they're specific and SEXY!' 

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