Thursday, January 31, 2013

Strange things which are undeniably true

Coming to a fork in the road isn't that scary - those four different options are all parallel - but come to a spoon in the road and you're fucked - especially if it's full of hot soup - because that probably means a soup truck has tipped over - and helping the driver could possibly delay you

A fortnight probably feels like a lifetime to a two week old baby - unless it was born in America - in which case it probably doesn't know what a fortnight is - but an 'every other week' probably feels like a frustratingly vague lifetime to it

A fist full of soil is a silly place to plant a rose bush - unless you really, really want to give a girl a rose - and she is really, really patient - and she really, really likes guys who make fists for really, really long amounts of time - although if you ask me this girl sounds a bit nuts

Wow, the world sure is a strange place, and full of strange things which are undeniably true, plus who built a fucking spoon in the road???? AAAGGHHHH


Sunday, January 20, 2013

David Tieck as Introduced by David Tieck

There is this 'whatcha doing in Hollywood?' thing I might be on called 'Get it IN Hollywood' that is probably awesome, and this is for that so people like me and things of that nature, but stay away late night talk shows, I'm not giving you my best stuff, oh but have me on as a guest please, I am David Tieck.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Christians officially hate me

The below is a true story by the awesome Andy Day - I personally believe the lesson is buy my book or you're going to hell 

So!! In the spirit of EMM i have my own story to share with you which happened just today.

I was in Penrith earlier this morning and had just walked out of Panther Cycles having purchased some new Shimano cycling shoes and new cleat pedals.

On my way back to the car I walked past a shop front, looking inside I saw shelves full of books, immediately thinking to myself "Great, a book store, I'll see if they have any of Dave's books." Not that I would buy them from anyone other than you, but as an avid fan, curious as to where one could purchase your books from.

Walking into the store I made a bee line for the front counter, where I was met by an elderly gent of approximately 65. When I reached the counter we exchanged the usual greetings and he asked, how can I help?

"Do you have any books by the author, David Tieck?" I asked.

The gentleman behind the counter typed into his computer and after a moment replied, "I'm afraid I can't find anything, do you know any of the Titles?"

"Of course!" I replied. "There is, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, and Losing My Virginity 52 Times." I say.

Staring at me for a few moments, the man then replies, "I beg your pardon!"

Confused, I say again, "The Embarrassing Memory Murderer and Losing My Virgi..." I begin to reply.

"Excuse me sir, but could you please keep your voice down!" He replies, cutting me off mid sentence.

I am shocked and taken aback at his reaction. "I'm sorry?" I say inquisitively.

He replies in a hushed yet serious tone, "I'm sorry sir, but this is a respected Christian book shop and we do not sell the sort of filth that you are asking for!", "now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"

As I walk towards the door, I look to the shelves either side of me and see a display of new leather bound bibles and such titles as "let's chat about God".

I walk silently out of the shop, contemplating what had just happened. As soon as I got outside my only reaction was to simply burst out laughing at the fact that I had just unknowingly walked into a Strictly Christian book shop asking for your books and resulting in my being kicked out.

I'm afraid that you don't have a strong Christian follow DT! Best to rule them out from your targeted demographic audience. =D

You can't buy it in Christian book stores but you can buy it here :) - HERE HERE HERE or even ----> HERE

Thursday, January 10, 2013

'This is so hot right now' - people in the future

Remember that time when the really hot thing became hot and you were like 'I could have been in on that from the beginning but I decided to wait until other people told me it was hot and I wish instead I had been one of the ones who could say "I was in on it from the beginning"' - well this is your chance to make up for that mistake - buy now - the beginning is still right now.....

Buy here on amazon

Or here on iUniverse

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

How to know you've made it

You know that moment when your teacher deals with a student with a differing opinion by saying "Sorry to disagree with you, but I did make a documentary on the subject, and that documentary won an Oscar"

Well experiencing this moment isn't quite making it, unless that is your dream, which it isn't, or unless you're that teacher, which you are, not and well also taking into account that this moment has probably never happened, unless it has, in which case it definitely has happened, but you probably weren't in the class when it did, unless you were, in which case most people will probably say 'you liar', unless they believe your story, in which case I hope they are your close friends, because there should be more believers out there, unless they actually said 'you're a liar' and you said it's 'you liar you idiot' and they replied 'I said "you're a liar" which is perfectly fine you idiot', in which case they probably aren't that good a friend, so fuck em. 

Then again I don't need friends like that, because I do now have a new teacher, and he has made a documentary, and it was one that won an Oscar, for best documentary even, because that's the most likely category to win an Oscar in for a documentary, because apparently documentaries aren't good enough for best film, even my unmade documentary ideas that would be way more likely to find funding if Oscars are up for grabs, and yet teachers documentary is about stuff that someone may make someone say "well what about if this was true" and it made him say "well I did win an Oscar" only he said it after a whole different thing happened, and he also said other interesting stuff.

Plus he's probably only been teaching for 40 years or so, with say several hundred students each year, and I am one of them, so yeah, I guess you could say I've made it.