Saturday, April 25, 2015

It Was A Magic Plastic Grocery Bag

It was a magic cheap plastic grocery bag. Fucking magic I tell you. 

'In what way was it magic'? I hear you ask. 

Well patience please you fucks, that's what I was about to explain. But also thank you, because of you jumping all over me just there, showing a complete lack of faith in my well known decree to never ever mention a magic plastic bag with no intention of telling you in what way it was magic, that's not who I am man, but you have inadvertently highlighted to me that yes it 'was' a magic plastic bag, but it also 'IS', cause this bag is so magic that no one has even chucked it out. And cheap plastic grocery bags get chucked out all the fucking time. 

'How the fuck was it magic?' I hear you ask. Well calm the fuck down. 

It's size was .... Regular. 
It's color was ....       Regular! 
It's shape was ......           REGULAR!

Well that's magic right there. Consistency is tough. Try being consistent on the golf course for example. It's difficult. 

'That's hardly fucking magic?' I hear you exclaiming. Well just to be consistent in these responses - shit the fuck up. (I meant to say 'shut' but spelled it wrong and now 'shit the fuck up is my new favorite term).

- Groceries sat in it with a delicate elegance that made even microwave Mac n Cheese feel important. 
- Its holes would let leafy stems of vegetables poke free, but yet never escape onto the filthy supermarket car park floor (occasionally filthy home kitchen floors).
- When bums concealed their booze in it to drink at bus stops, they rarely pissed their pants, and only occasionally told old ladies that they had a giraffe climbing out of their ear.
- It once held a wet t-shirt from the beach in the trunk of a car for six weeks and when it was discovered it didn't smell like a wet dead dog! (Only a wet maimed dog).
- Matt Damon's character in Goodwill Hunting was based on its theory that using grocery bags for garbage bags takes scientific knowledge of a variety of sizes of typical kitchen garbage cans.
- It supported an expanding exploration of space experience.
- Oh and it WAS the plastic bag in American Beauty. It got picked after a exhaustive auditioning process. I mean you try and find a plastic bag that can dance in the wind on demand! 

Yes, and I know, I have being using past tense. For you see it's retired now. To the rock n roll hall of fame. Well to be completely accurate it's knotted up inside a dead rock stars colon, after he ate it, knowing that every food item it had carried had been delicious, and he's being kept frozen in the hall's basement, in hope doctors may one day find a cure to having six completely melted vital internal organs, after he drank a bottle of drain fluid, knowing that every toilet it had gone done now flushed deliciously, they're hoping if he can come back alive he'll one day explain how he made G chords on the guitar sound so damn G. 

But I choose to not care if that wonderful G is ever heard again, no I have more romantic thoughts, the kind of romance that only exists when magic is present, yep instead just once more I'd like to get drunk at a bus stop without a goddman giraffe climbing out my ear! 

Why A Toothbrush Could Be Your New Best Friend

I know what you're thinking - your current best friend sucks. They're flakey, unreliable, sometimes say racist jokes in private that you laugh at, at the time, but you are a tad concerned that there is some truth behind what on the surface is merely enjoying the fact that with close friends you can be taboo just to be taboo, they don't like playing board games with you, board games like 'Taboo', and sometimes they're even undependable. 

Well I'm here to tell you that they don't need to be your best friend anymore, and your new best friend may be closer than you think! Please consider all these reasons why a toothbrush could be your new best friend: 

- Out of guilt you'll stop eating so much popcorn covered in overcooked chewy beef. 
- It'll never call you late at night to complain about its mother. 
- They come in a variety of colors. 
- Need to 'brush' up on your French? It won't help but it will help others deal with your frog breath.
- Not only are they not flakey but they can aid in the removal of flakes. 
- They PREFER if you've never won a plaque.
- They don't judge you if you sometimes have thoughts about how monkey sweat probably will ultimately never replace breakfast cereal as the preferred breakfast of 47.8% of western diners.
- Someone calling you 'soft'? Now you can say 'it's only cause I'm copying my best friend'. 
- Same thing if people have been cruelly calling you 'medium'. 
- They rarely breathe fire in your face. 
- It'll come in handy if you're ever in prison and forced to clean the mess hall with a toothbrush. 
- They're slightly better than a toilet brush! Well at least in three ways. 
1. Rarely in the toilet. 
2. Regularly in your mouth. 
3. Way better conversationalist. 
- And finally, obvious one, but still - their racist jokes will be so damn funny it'll be impossible NOT to forgive any underlying true feelings. 

So why not give your current best friend a call right now and tell them they suck balls, and are racist pieces of shit, then go tell your toothbrush 'you're not going in my mouth tonight, instead let's go play an exciting game of taboo'.