Why A Toothbrush Could Be Your New Best Friend

I know what you're thinking - your current best friend sucks. They're flakey, unreliable, sometimes say racist jokes in private that you laugh at, at the time, but you are a tad concerned that there is some truth behind what on the surface is merely enjoying the fact that with close friends you can be taboo just to be taboo, they don't like playing board games with you, board games like 'Taboo', and sometimes they're even undependable. 

Well I'm here to tell you that they don't need to be your best friend anymore, and your new best friend may be closer than you think! Please consider all these reasons why a toothbrush could be your new best friend: 

- Out of guilt you'll stop eating so much popcorn covered in overcooked chewy beef. 
- It'll never call you late at night to complain about its mother. 
- They come in a variety of colors. 
- Need to 'brush' up on your French? It won't help but it will help others deal with your frog breath.
- Not only are they not flakey but they can aid in the removal of flakes. 
- They PREFER if you've never won a plaque.
- They don't judge you if you sometimes have thoughts about how monkey sweat probably will ultimately never replace breakfast cereal as the preferred breakfast of 47.8% of western diners.
- Someone calling you 'soft'? Now you can say 'it's only cause I'm copying my best friend'. 
- Same thing if people have been cruelly calling you 'medium'. 
- They rarely breathe fire in your face. 
- It'll come in handy if you're ever in prison and forced to clean the mess hall with a toothbrush. 
- They're slightly better than a toilet brush! Well at least in three ways. 
1. Rarely in the toilet. 
2. Regularly in your mouth. 
3. Way better conversationalist. 
- And finally, obvious one, but still - their racist jokes will be so damn funny it'll be impossible NOT to forgive any underlying true feelings. 

So why not give your current best friend a call right now and tell them they suck balls, and are racist pieces of shit, then go tell your toothbrush 'you're not going in my mouth tonight, instead let's go play an exciting game of taboo'.

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