Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Avenge this! Bitches…..

That movie The Avengers is breaking all sorts of records, such as:

- Most money on opening weekend earned from people
- Most maniacal laughter let out by a studio head
- Most calls from Scarlett Johansson to her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds gloating that ‘THAT’s how to make a superhero movie!’
-  Most awful future movies getting green lit based on the performance of this movie that will fail in the future only to have studio heads go ‘what’s the deal?’
- Most nerds saying ‘the deal is Scarlet Johansson’s boobs jerk, why would anyone want to see Ryan Reynolds in green lycra?’
- Most times Ryan Reynolds points out he is still getting plenty of beautiful women, so there!

Of course the biggest thing that people SHOULD be talking about is the super hero MISSING from the posters! Yes, the super hero I created fifteen years ago and barely anyone has ever heard about IS NOT ONE OF THE STARS OF THE AVENGERS!

His name is ‘Explosion Man’ and here is episode one (please note the drawing representations of this episode are in a box in my storage room half way around the world in Sydney and I have lost the storage room key, but I am sure your imagination can draw in the visuals yourself).

Panel One: We open on Explosion Man and his Sidekick Cum Boy in their lair that is shaped like a giant pile of poo, looking at a television which is also a pile of poo

Cum Boy: Oh no Explosion Man, teenage hooligans have cleaned the park!

Explosion Man: This is a job for explosion man!

Panel Two: Explosion Man flies to the park, Cum Boy runs along the ground trying to keep up

Cum Boy: (Breathing heavy) I’m coming, I’m coming

Explosion Man: Not yet Cum boy, we’re not at the park yet, and the park has been cleaned by teenage hooligans, so keep up, they need us!

Panel Three: At the Park

Cum Boy: Ewwww gross, it’s so clean!

Explosion Man: Look at the sparkles! It’s sickening! BUT I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

Panel Four: Explosion man bends over and does explosive diarrhea everywhere!

Panel Five: Kids standing by 'yaaaaaay' 'thanks Explosion Man!'

Panel Six: Explosion man and Cum Boy stand in a beautiful diarrhea covered park.

Explosion Man: Once again the world is covered in beautiful shit as it is supposed to, but for how long.

Cum Boy: I don’t know, but hopefully long enough for me to cum!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

In the next edition of Explosion Man, Explosion Man meets his ultimate foe - Mary Maid, Cum Boy finally learns to harness his powers into the ability to fly and those teenage hooligans keep cleaning stuff! Will Explosion Man have enough explosive diarrhea for it all? We can only hope.


Yay. And Explosion Man is NOT one of the stars of The Avengers. What the hell?

And now my review of Avengers origin movie – Thor: The Dude with the Hammer.

 In the opening scenes Thor is an arrogant dickhead and I really wanted him dead!

Then Thor gets banished to earth where he loses his powers and he becomes an arrogant dickhead who is also now a moron and I really want him dead!

Then I fell asleep for an hour or so and when I woke up I become aware that whatever has happened in the last hour is supposed to make me want Thor to get his powers back AND score with Natalie Portman. I disagree with the filmmakers on these points so intensely I now want them dead!

Coming Soon (perhaps tomorrow, depending if the laundry room in this hotel is free next time I go check, something about thinking about Explosion Man is making me want access to clean underwear) I will give my review of The Avengers - here is hoping for at least a cameo for Explosion Man (but not Cum Boy, he’s gross).