Monday, August 29, 2011

Things that shouldn’t be on TV

This week was the VMA’s and of course the biggest talking points about this years VMA’s are four fold:

- Lady GaGa is a much better looking guy than it is a woman.
- Even it doesn’t want to kiss Brittany Spears.
- Why the hell does MTV still stage its video music awards when it doesn’t ever play videos anymore, and instead plays crap and immoral reality shows?
- Jesus Christ what kind of freak would even think about wanting to kiss Brittany Spears? (Insert your own Madonna/Kevin Federland insult here).

I of course didn’t watch the awards because I never even flick to MTV anymore because in Australia it is playing Katy Perry for every second of every day, even when it is showing one of their crap reality shows it photoshops a radio into the hand of every teen mom and has it playing a Katy Perry song on it. Although when the teens are giving birth it forgets about the radio and just has the little girls vagina spew out ‘Teenage dreams’ just before the future criminal, I mean baby squeezes out.

I assume that is; I, obviously, have never watched a second of any of that stuff, although it does make me very sad that I can name a Katy Perry song by name.

All is not lost though, I mean MTV will never be something I’ll watch again, but that doesn’t mean I can’t sell them a few reality show ideas. Here are some suggestions of mine based on my understanding of their moral code, and willingness to exploit people:

- Retards in a pit. A show where we put retards in a pit, and see how long it takes them to get out. It should be a pit that would be easy to get out of if you are not retarded. This one would definitely play with a laugh track
- Sidney needs a Kidney. We find people who are in desperate need of kidney transplants and pair them with naive poor teenagers who think it would be totally worth giving up a kidney for an Ipad
- Abort or not, we let the Jersey Shore cast decide. We find pregnant twelve year olds and have them compete against the Jersey Shore in a series of tests of intelligence, if you can’t beat them in absolutely every one you get your fetus forcibly aborted live on camera. If you do beat them all Snookie decides if you keep the baby or not. Clause 1: you must have specifically gotten pregnant for the show. Clause 2: MTV is not responsible for cervical cancer caused by damage to the cervix from having sex too young, what the hell do you think the hymen is for you idiots? Hint: it’s not a 14-year-old boy’s chewing gum. Clause 3: If you get pregnant to an immediate family member and Snookie decides you must keep your baby we want you to be part of our other new show
- My incest freak baby.

You’re welcome MTV!!! Now if you need a host for any of these shows please, please, please pick me. I will humiliate myself in anyway you need!!!!! Plus, plus – PUNS:

Welcome to Sidney needs a kidney, because sometimes your new kidney is more than a…. stones… throw away. This next retard spent so much time stuck in a pit she has a ….. hole… lot of problems with her kidney.

You’re welcome MTV!!!!

Ps. I am doubling up at the moment, but I plan to switch all my topical blogs over to www.everyoneistalkingabout.com if you are so inclined please go follow me there too :)

I have reached the top

Call me crazy, but I have spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about this, and I have come to the logical conclusion that if an ant climbed to the top of a mountain and yelled: ‘I’m the king of the castle and you’re a dirty rascal’. It’d then quickly follow this sentence up with: ‘Fuck it was a long way up here, plus what the hell is a rascal?’

I know, it seems so obvious now that I have written it in sentence form, but for many years anthropologists (people who study the ways different people and societies have lived over history, but occasionally get chucked some ‘ant study grant money’ based on an administrative cock up due to their field’s poorly thought out name) have wondered what would happen if an ant ever reached the summit of a mountain, and have failed to figure out anything due to ants poor climbing skills when considered against their size and the size of mountains in regions they inhabit. Also anthropologists waste a hell of a lot of time on pots ancient people used, and pots are not interesting at all.

List of things more interesting than pots:
- Coffee stains
- The poorly regulated olive picking unions
- Ants, they walk in a line, that’s really cool

Sure of course, if instead of ‘mountain’ we merely switched in ‘ant hill’, we would find lots of ants who had climbed to the top, but that is not impressive at all, in fact switch the species and it sounds almost like you are a genocide fan:

‘Today I climbed a human hill’
‘Really, you’re into genocide? That’s so 2003, get away from me you unimpressive loser’

Yep that’s how sad the life of anthropologists and ants are; forever trying to scale the heights of anthropology and/or high things.

And really it’s the ants I feel sorry for, because the word ‘ant’ is merely the word ‘an’ with another singular letter added. That is a very small addition to an already very small word that itself was very mediocre to begin with. So why the hell does an ant deserve to be king of anything, let alone a mountain?

I think ants would be more remarkable if they had’ve shunted adding the letter ‘t’ to ‘an’ and instead gone with ‘anf’ or even more fun ‘anh’. How fun would it be pronouncing that all the time? It’s almost unpronounceable. And saying almost unpronounceable words is one of the funnest things anyone can ever do, consider these fun words:

- Constituents
- Entrepreneurial
- Fandangle
- Hierarchical
- Obstetrician
- Flan

I could spend two or three hours having fun just saying these six words alone, add ‘anh’ to the mix and there is a fun weekend.

Although it would make it way harder to insult them: ‘Hey you, you dirty an.., um, angh, how the hell do I say what you are????’ Before you know it they WOULD be king of stuff, because how the hell do you stop something you can’t insult?

There would be NOTHING you could do to stop them, instead of, well stepping on them, but is it worth climbing off your human hill to do that? That is definitely something Anthropologists should get working on, that or what the hell IS a rascal?