Monday, August 29, 2011

I have reached the top

Call me crazy, but I have spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about this, and I have come to the logical conclusion that if an ant climbed to the top of a mountain and yelled: ‘I’m the king of the castle and you’re a dirty rascal’. It’d then quickly follow this sentence up with: ‘Fuck it was a long way up here, plus what the hell is a rascal?’

I know, it seems so obvious now that I have written it in sentence form, but for many years anthropologists (people who study the ways different people and societies have lived over history, but occasionally get chucked some ‘ant study grant money’ based on an administrative cock up due to their field’s poorly thought out name) have wondered what would happen if an ant ever reached the summit of a mountain, and have failed to figure out anything due to ants poor climbing skills when considered against their size and the size of mountains in regions they inhabit. Also anthropologists waste a hell of a lot of time on pots ancient people used, and pots are not interesting at all.

List of things more interesting than pots:
- Coffee stains
- The poorly regulated olive picking unions
- Ants, they walk in a line, that’s really cool

Sure of course, if instead of ‘mountain’ we merely switched in ‘ant hill’, we would find lots of ants who had climbed to the top, but that is not impressive at all, in fact switch the species and it sounds almost like you are a genocide fan:

‘Today I climbed a human hill’
‘Really, you’re into genocide? That’s so 2003, get away from me you unimpressive loser’

Yep that’s how sad the life of anthropologists and ants are; forever trying to scale the heights of anthropology and/or high things.

And really it’s the ants I feel sorry for, because the word ‘ant’ is merely the word ‘an’ with another singular letter added. That is a very small addition to an already very small word that itself was very mediocre to begin with. So why the hell does an ant deserve to be king of anything, let alone a mountain?

I think ants would be more remarkable if they had’ve shunted adding the letter ‘t’ to ‘an’ and instead gone with ‘anf’ or even more fun ‘anh’. How fun would it be pronouncing that all the time? It’s almost unpronounceable. And saying almost unpronounceable words is one of the funnest things anyone can ever do, consider these fun words:

- Constituents
- Entrepreneurial
- Fandangle
- Hierarchical
- Obstetrician
- Flan

I could spend two or three hours having fun just saying these six words alone, add ‘anh’ to the mix and there is a fun weekend.

Although it would make it way harder to insult them: ‘Hey you, you dirty an.., um, angh, how the hell do I say what you are????’ Before you know it they WOULD be king of stuff, because how the hell do you stop something you can’t insult?

There would be NOTHING you could do to stop them, instead of, well stepping on them, but is it worth climbing off your human hill to do that? That is definitely something Anthropologists should get working on, that or what the hell IS a rascal?

No comments:

Post a Comment