Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The truth about recent controversy finally revealed

Considering the recent controversies facing Daniel Tosh, Fred Willard and the fast food chain Chic-Fil-A (who now occupy the spot that used to be my local Carls Jnr which is my FAVORITE fast food place, you bastards) we can say that without a doubt that at least SOME people in the modern world are currently offended by the thought of rape, masturbation and/or gay sex.

Now, your personal opinion may be different from other people’s personal opinions, and my opinions may be different from other people’s personal opinions which is personally quite satisfying to people who share your opinion, and yet don’t share my personal opinion, but that is not the point of this blog, the point of this blog is not opinions, it is facts and the facts are the following:

1.     The entire cyberspace is getting together to make you question whether you want your next orgasm to come from rape, masturbation or gay sex, and
2.     Clearly this is the result of a huge world wide female conspiracy to FINALLY get men to admit that, at least on occasion, they have considered the idea of consensual sex with women, and possibly considered it in POSITIVE WAYS!

Yes I know I'm taking a HUGE LEAP here - men admit they desire sex with women - NEVER!

But I am sorry men, I really am, I know it goes against all our natural modesty, unwillingness to be judged by our fellow man, and the lessons we've been taught by the media over decades of ‘consensual sex with females is undesirable’ propaganda, but it seems that our hands may have been forced:

- Admit you like rape and you may lose a couple of stand up gigs!
- Admit masturbation is ok and you may get hauled out of a cinema – on the week Step Up Revolution is released!
- Admit gay sex is your style and an old man will start chucking chicken nuggets at you - only without any dipping sauce! The horror.

Oh my god, Women, that’s dastardly, devious even, how did you do it? You unscrupulous enchantresses. Well I can't fight it anymore, against all my willpower and métier I will be the first man to say it out loud:

‘I sometimes think thoughts concerning the consensual exchange of “special cuddles” between a man of legal age and a woman of legal age in a secure private location with the blinds closed and music playing so as to cover any noises made by the “special cuddles” but not so loud as to disturb the neighbors in a way which could result in a door being knocked on, and these are thoughts that I have been known to find occasionally positive in nature’

Please note the following:
-       “Special cuddles” means “sexual intercourse”
-       If the conditions specified above are not available to be thought about I will make do with the lights being on, the thought of bending a girl over a gravestone, or the “special cuddles” being less “cuddle” in nature and more “penetrate her butt” in nature.
-       I also like “regular cuddles” but that is not what we are debating here

There I did it. Wow. What a release. Trust me guys, it’s ok. You have nothing to fear. Sure controversy and female manipulation forced me into it, but I feel great! Will you follow me men? Come on join me, give it a go, say it, the women actually want you to. Plus, I now have dipping sauce!

Ps. Hey hip hop community, don't ruin it by making it all crude, ok?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Inside the mind of a crazy person

On the train - An insight into my mind

On way to the metro station I counted all of my coins, and prepared myself with the exact right change for the ticket machine before I arrived.

I had a pocket full of change but I had to count it just in case I wouldn’t have enough change for the way back, because if that was the case I would have to make sure to save a dollar bill that was crisp enough to work in the machine because if I ended up having to use a five I’d end up with more change and I always have too much change, it’s a constant battle to manage it.

I put my coins in the machine, a mixture of dimes, quarters and nickles, and when all the coins had entered the machine it claimed I still owed 25c. This made me mad, as I had pre-counted my coins. I knew I had put them all in. I waited for a moment thinking that perhaps the machine was just slow in counting, and I hadn’t noticed because I was putting in a bunch of coins and not paying too close attention as they added up, but after a few moments I was convinced now that the machine thought I owed another 25c.

I checked every slot in the machine for the missing quarter, I checked the floor just in case I had somehow dropped it and not heard in land, even though the very thought seemed ludicrous, because I am always aware when I drop coins, mostly because if I drop a penny do I look desperate for picking it up, or do I look more like an ungrateful bastard if I don’t pick it up? After a few moments of looking around I was now convinced the machine had ripped me off. I was angry for a couple of seconds, cursing the machine makers for their incompetence, and the government for allowing money like this to be stolen from citizens, and thens something occurred to me.

 Tickets are $1.50 not $1.25.

Now I beat myself up for being so fucking stupid as to forgetting this, as I’d just ridden the metro a couple of days earlier and had made a big deal to myself over thinking it was $1.25 only to find out it was $1.50 and how mistakes like that completely undo the good work of pre-checking change rations.

Now I imagined what would have happened had I verbalized my complaint that the machine had missed registering my 25c only for someone to pull out security footage proving that I'd only put in $1.25 and then just how fucking humiliated I'd be learning it was $1.50 and trying to defend myself saying 'it was $1.25 when I used to ride all the time, so I am not a complete moron' but knowing even I couldn’t defend that argument because I had travelled on the metro two days earlier and had made a mental note to not forget that it was now $1.50 and come to think of it am I really sure it was ever $1.25? Actually no. Man what a fucking fool of myself I would have made had I complained which I would never have done because I never do complain just in case it ends up that I was in the wrong and would look like an idiot.

This made me flash back to New Zealand ten years ago when for only the second time ever, I honked my car horn. A man made an illegal move on some road nearly crashing into me as I drove my rental car to the airport to fly home and an accident now would have caused me who knows how much hassle. So I honked him.

About two years later I was reading a story on driving trips in New Zealand in an Australian newspaper and it mentioned something extremely alarming. There was a particular driving law that in New Zealand is the opposite of what it is in Australia, which has been known to cause accidents when Australians drive in New Zealand or vice versa. I didn’t remember that exact situation which took place when I had honked my horn in New Zealand, but now I suddenly thought ‘oh my god, that time I honked my horn in New Zealand, maybe it was in fact ME that was in the wrong and therefore not only did I nearly cause an accident but I honked my horn in anger even though I was in the wrong! Holy fuck, what a fucking asshole that would have made me!’

I imagined the other driver telling the story to his friends ‘so this guy nearly hits me with his car, and then HE honked ME’ and now all these guys hate me too ‘what a fucking wanker that guy is, if he comes around here again I will kick his ass for you’. 

‘Oh my god’ I though ‘if this spreads, half of fucking New Zealand is probably going to hate me’.

I have literally never honked my car horn since, and now, quite regularly, if a situation comes up where I think I am in the right in any walk of life, I think of this moment in New Zealand and hold back my anger, because sometimes when you think you’re in the right it turns out you were actually in the wrong, and to get angry when you are in the wrong is unforgivable.

Feeling like shit, I go to pull out the extra quarter I need to pay for my ticket. This isn’t as easy as it seems, because now I have to re-count all of my coins to make sure I still have change for the ride home, now needing 25c more than I thought I was going to need, and yet possessing 25c less than I had on my original count. Low and behold, I now no longer had enough change for the ride home.

‘You deserve that for being a fool’ I said to myself. Then I flashed back to the small pile of coins on my floor in my apartment that had fallen out of my pocket as I switched my belt from my jeans to my shorts. I thought they were all pennies so I didn’t pick them up at the time ‘are you sure there was not a quarter in there’ I now said to myself ‘if you get home and it turns out there was a quarter which could have saved you from this mess you are going to look like such a fucking idiot! Why do you always have to be so fucking lazy, would it have been that hard to pick up those coins when they fell? Is your life really better procrastinating over little shit like that, you are going to look at them there fifty times and think about picking them up but choose not to, even though you know picking them up right away only takes a moment. No wonder your not successful if you waste time like this you fucking loser’ I said to myself.

I looked in my wallet. I had several one dollar notes and I pulled out the crispiest of them all, I decided to punish myself for being so stupid with the coins by wasting the nicest bill in my wallet on a metro card, when it could have been used on something more fulfilling like a can of Diet Dr Pepper.

I thought about separating the crisp one dollar bill, and fifty cents into a separate pocket, so that I wouldn’t forget and accidently spend them - ‘are you really such a fucking idiot that you can’t remember not to spend your metro ticket money?’ I said to myself. And felt like a moron for knowing that there was a possibility that I was that big of an idiot, but then in a moment of optimism thought ‘no, anytime I see that crisp one now I will be reminded of what an idiot I was, and I won’t forget not to spend it as long as I remember I am an idiot’.

I caught the train and got on with my afternoon, and only four or five times did I think about the 25c fiasco again over the next couple of hours.

Now it was time to catch the train home. As I pulled out the crisp one dollar to put in the machine I felt a mixture of self-loathing and pride as I remembered how it had come to using a bill instead of coins, but then felt good about myself for not actually accidently spending the dollar. Then, as I walked to the turn styles disaster nearly happened.

A huge gust of wind hit me, and my ticket nearly blew out of my hand!

Even though it did not, I was now forced to consider what I would have done had it actually blown away. I dealt with the idea of trying to chase after it and quickly passed on that. Chasing after a ticket blowing in the wind in a train station would make me look like an idiot, and I did not want to look like an idiot who couldn’t even hold on to a friggin’ piece paper in front of all of these strangers. 

‘What if I just didn’t buy another ticket’ I thought ‘my conscience would be clear because I would know that I had in fact paid the money for a ticket, but then this lead me to go through the melodrama in my mind of trying to convince a ticket inspector that I did buy a ticket and that it had just blown out of my hand, which lead me to spend the entire ride detailing to myself every minuscule detail of my ticket buying process so if I had to testify to a non-existent ticket inspector, or even higher authority, about my non-existent lost ticket I wouldn't forget any detail or stumble in a way that made me seem like I may be making it up, even though I knew that if I had I actually lost my ticket I would definitely have purchased a replacement, because I find even the idea of having to defend a truth I cannot prove to a person in a position of power who has no reason to believe me nothing short of endlessly excruciating.

In the middle of all of this ticket buying anguish I was out to check out some car yards. I need to buy a car so I don’t have to ride the metro, and so I can get to places the metro doesn’t even go, like almost everywhere in Los Angeles. Fucking up the purchase of a $1.50 metro card caused me all sorts of anguish today, so you can only imagine the dilemma buying a car is for me. I was considering blogging about it but really there is not enough space in cyberspace to fit all of the little things that I worry about, beat myself up about, and dislike about the process. Let’s just say I hope to get it done soon, but doubt I will. 

By the way when I got home I did check to see if there was a quarter among the coins on the floor. There was not. But I still did not pick them up.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Speaking of friendship

Stephanie was there today. I'd met her a long time earlier when she was selling plastic owls at a plastic owl shop on a day I was shopping for plastic owls.
Her shop didn't have any plastic owls that met my plastic owl needs that day so I promised I’d come back. A promise I kept every day for years.

This impressed Stephanie. 'I’m impressed by a man who is clear and dedicated to his specific plastic owl needs' she said to me, on my 754th straight day coming into the plastic owl store and failing to find a plastic owl that fit my plastic owl needs. 'I like a girl who sells plastic owls' I replied. And we've been friends ever since. We can talk for hours - about owls, about plastic, sometimes even about plastic owls!

It was from her that I found out that plastic can be used to make birds OTHER than owls - eagles, hawks, even some non-predatory birds! Quite incredible really.

I was glad to see Stephanie today as I'd recently stopped visiting the plastic owl store. You see I’ve recently discovered, much to my utter shock, that beavers can't climb apartment buildings! I know. So I no longer even needed a beaver scaring plastic owl.

I learned four other important things that day too:

1. Why Stephanie's plastic owl store never had a plastic owl that suited my plastic owl needs
2.  Why the toothpick collection I keep on my fifteenth floor balcony has never been stolen from beavers
3.  Even Stephanie, who has worked in the plastic owl business for years, still has some gaps in her plastic owl knowledge
4.  An example of Stephanie’s gap in knowledge about plastic owls would be that beavers cannot climb apartment blocks

I was really looking forward to seeing Stephanie because I knew she'd be excited about expanding her plastic owl knowledge, but here is the thing, we had so many other things to talk about today that I never got around to it!

Like for example, during our chat, I learned that plastic can be used to make animals that aren't even birds at all! Like alligators, lions and even non-predatory animals! Quite incredible really.

Friendship sure is awesome.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Things I learned from divorcing Tom Cruise

So it seems as if Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reached a speedy divorce agreement, almost as if it had all been planned out earlier than we all heard about her intention to divorce him, maybe even before they started dating! Ha ha, making stuff up is fun!

Well I am not going to speculate on who, or what, or where, or witches, because I don’t believe in them, and we have all heard all the rumors about Tom already, and I don’t want to get involved in talk that we just know is true, where is the fun in that?

Instead I would like to talk about the time I personally divorced Tom Cruise, and more than that I want to talk about the good things, maybe even, and this will depend on where this goes from here, and whether or not I can be assed to change the title of this blog if it ends up going down a different path than the one I first intended, which may well happen, because sometimes one path seems nice for a while, but then you see another path and you’re all like ‘wow, I am already really familiar with this path, and it may still be gorgeous, but I am used to it, there are no surprises anymore, no mystery, and am just a man, we evolved into who we are because of our proclivity to spreading our seeds down as many paths as we can, sometimes we want to have one path in front of us, while two other paths are making out just for our amusement, before we spray our seed all over all the paths and make the paths lick up the seeds off each others body parts, you know, because if we didn’t do that kind of thing, with paths, then the human race would never have evolved, but then again, that path may be owned by someone else, and no one likes you spreading your seed on their path, plus, unlike Tom Cruise, some of us don’t attract all sorts of the most desirable paths around, so we might just like to stick with one’ and then you get all tired, and you think ‘if I just stick to the path I know, I can get home early, watch a little internet path, and go to sleep’ which is what I am now thinking about doing, so I am going to stick with my original plan, with no deviations, or distractions, and tell you some of the great things I learned during my divorce from Tom Cruise.

-     I am not physically attracted to calligraphy, no matter how well versed it is in the motor bike arts
-       Smellavision may well have taken off if the first movies that utilized the technology were not documentaries on long shut down abattoirs
-       The ‘L’ in ‘L. Ron Hubbard’ stood for ‘Lance’ the ‘Ron’ stood for ‘My’ and the ‘Hubbard’ stood for ‘huge disgusting cyst’
-       ‘Hitler’ rhymes flawlessly with ‘bitter baby critter’
-       The founder of Scientology was terrible at acronyms
-       In the movie ‘The Five Year Engagement’ the lead character played by Jason Segal quits the cooking job that he is passionate about and talented at, so his fiancé, played by Emily Blunt, can take up a job as a research assistant, where in five full years she only has one single idea for a research project - on her first day - and then nothing again for five whole years, and we find out later that this idea was only implemented at all because her boss wanted to sleep with her!  Seriously!
-       Tom and I may not have gotten divorced if I wanted to bang any of my employees.
-       Katie Holmes is a single mom; Michelle Williams is a single mom, who’s next, Percy or Dawson?
-       If the first movies to utilize the Smellavision technology were the documentaries on L. Ron Hubbard, we’d all be HUGE fans
-       ‘Unleashing Intrinsic Mayhem’ would be a good title for, I don’t know, something?
-       Michelle Williams is now DATING JASON SEGAL….. spooky…..
-       Paths can sometimes be metaphors for sex
-       Frozen yogurt tastes better the day you buy it than it does three weeks later, unless you keep it in the freezer and then it’s just about the same
-       I don’t HAVE any employees!

So you see how good being married to Tom Cruise and then divorcing him can be? So don’t feel bad for Katie, I learned so much from it. Now I am going to go watch some internet path, I hope it has smellavision!

Friday, July 6, 2012

A message for Christopher Nolan from Katie Holmes

Katie Holmes is ready for The Dark Knight Rises

On the stage

Standing on a stage and attempting to make people in an audience laugh with things you’re making up on the spot is super fun.

Sometimes the things you make up does make them laugh, sometimes it doesn't make them laugh, and sometimes you even get to stand there shaking with nerves while simultaneously convincing yourself that your ideas suck, that the other people you’re performing with will all hate you because of how much your ideas suck and how you've stolen their chance to make funny choices by forcing your sucky ideas on them, resulting in their show sucking and making people think that it's not just you who sucks but everyone in that show and ‘how dare you make choices that suck so bad that you’re fucking up my career too’ and that your sucky ideas will have the audience hating you, while they are thinking ‘man that guy sucks, his ideas suck, his comedy coming from those ideas sucks and frankly I have a lot of choices for my entertainment sources but only a limited amount of time on earth and this shithead has just wasted some of that precious time, which I will never get back to be able to use for a better source of entertainment that doesn’t suck as much, plus his mustache may sort of cover that huge zit next to his mouth but it's still fucking gross!’ And when your onstage thinking these things it's hard to come up with better ideas than the sucky ones you've just discarded which actually probably didn’t suck at all but in this moment you just hate yourself and your life choices so much that there is no idea you could have you wouldn't think would suck, and the whole attempting to make people laugh with things you’re making up suddenly doesn’t seem like so much fun’.

I have just moved back to Los Angeles, for the most part because of how much I love making people laugh with stuff I am making up on the spot. Only problem is that after a couple of years out of the game my skills are not where they used to be, and last Tuesday, I got up to perform improv for the first time in Los Angeles in a long, long time, unfortunately I found myself in the third of the options from above.

It was an improv jam, as part of the wonderful English Speaking Moose’s One Hour Improv festival, and there were about ten of us on stage. It is up to each individual as to when they go to the front of the stage and perform, or when to stand on the back wall thinking about how much your ideas suck, and how stupid you are for moving back to LA to pursue this stupid dream, and I am feeling fucking miserable.

But I'm also thinking 'everyone in the audience and everyone on the stage knows that I'm the only one who hasn't done anything and now everyone is going to stare at me to see if I freak the fuck out or shit my pants and frankly they probably want me to shit my pants, because that would be much more interesting that to watch my nervous face and lack of good ideas as they are ruining the show’ so I did what I had to do, and I force myself to hit the stage, where I ended up doing a pretty average scene, before  slumping back to wings and deciding to give up comedy for good.

As I am standing up the back of the stage making new plans for a life as far away from the stage as possible the show continues without me, when suddenly I have an idea and without thinking I jump on stage and improvise my line and it gets a huge laugh. The show ends moments later and the host praises me for my last move.

Then I go outside and a cute girl who was in the show also grabs me and says ‘you’re hilarious’ and tells me she remembers seeing me perform a couple of years ago and that I was super funny.

Now I am on top of the world.  Oh man, I really am a funny guy, my ideas are great, I have really got to stick with this comedy game. Standing on a stage and attempting to make people in an audience laugh with things you’re making up on the spot really is super fun, plus my zit is starting to die, so life in LA is great!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Don’t (re) see Ted until you read this

Ted is a depressing drama about a little boy who makes a wish that his Teddy Bear could really talk, and God in a surprise twist, who is watching a little boy for some reason, and really wants to make him happy, in a way that will make it hard for him to form lasting relationships with women, and it just so happens that this particular little boy, who at this point is a friendless loser, will grow up to be super good looking, and extremely buff despite seemingly never going to the gym, and has an addiction to marijuana and the associated munchies, so someone who seems to ‘supernaturally’ have a perfect body, grants this wish!

Why does god want to do this? Well if you thought it was for some sexual reason then you’d be dead wrong. Because in a huge surprise, it’s actually a movie about a talking Teddy Bear. The real reason is because god has a point to make – that if you reach the exact age of thirty-five, then it is really important that it be pointed out to you over, and over again that you should have your life sorted out by now, with ‘now’ being the exact age thirty-five. Which is the age I am currently.

In this movie there is a fucking living talking teddy bear, and no one seems to really care that much, and yet the fact that a thirty-five year old still likes to have fun, and not be all like serious all the time, is pointed out again, and again, and again. This is really quite mean. Especially if you happen to be in the audience and aged thirty-five, which is the age I share with the lead character, unpredictably.

In a surprise twist - I personally am exactly thirty-five years old! In actual fact if I did the math, and I won’t because math is for mature grown up people, today may be close to me being in the dead center of the one year I will be thirty-five years old. Also I still like having fun and am not serious all the time, and this movie seemed to want to tell me that me being very single, not having achieved much and still enjoying immature things, meant I was not a real man yet. Especially if I happened to be exactly thirty-five years old, which is the age that I am. 

I think the moment in the movie which hit home the most was when the girlfriend, played by the supremely gorgeous Mila Kunis, addresses the camera and says ‘hey if you’re thirty-five it would be pretty pathetic if you’re still getting wasted with your friends and watching lots of TV. Even if by some fluke you can get wasted tones, never go to the gym, and still have a body like a Greek god, and that’s not true with you David Tieck, and really, I mean what kind of loser is thirty five, single, at the movies by himself, and still fucking around in life with no real direction? I may not have great taste in men, I mean there are rumors I am dating Ashton Kutcher, who may be the most unlikable person on earth, but at least he’s not thirty five! Plus, how come, in a shocking twist, your spellcheck thinks sometimes it has to be ‘thirty five’ and yet other times it has to be ‘thirty-five’ what kind of a pathetic excuse for a man are you? Ashton doesn’t have these problems’

This rant really affected me, because, shockingly, I am thirty five, because she said my name directly, and because if she really is dating Ashton Kutcher then it is proof there is no god, and if there isn’t then what the hell made that Teddy Bear talk? Also because it was really out of character, like remember in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ when whatsherface? Meg Ryan (‘whatsherface’ refers not to my forgetting her name, but to her the bad plastic surgery she has had on her face) fakes the orgasm in the deli? Well that was really out of character from Sally, and so really unbelievable, and became the reason many people didn’t like that movie, and was so bad they even eventually copied it for a crap cereal commercial, and the writer of When Harry Met Sally died last week, so why would Seth MacPharlane want to remind us of this with Mila speaking out of character unless he wanted people, say thirty-five year olds, to worry about how old they are? I’ll tell you why, he wants thirty five years olds to worry about how old they are! And after a long amount of suspense I can reveal now that I AM thirty five, surprise!

Then again I was also affected when at one point Ted looks at the screen and says 'hey David Tieck, the guy who wrote and directed this movie and is doing my voice, has created several really awesome shows, is super successful, knows how to send an awesome backhanded message, managed to cast about a hundred gorgeous women in this movie and you’re a thirty five year old loser at the movies by himself.' This really seemed like a personal attack on me, because I am thirty-five.

Then again, for people who are not exactly thirty-five, unlike me, and bombshell here, I am thirty five, if there is such a thing, it is actually a really funny movie, better than I expected, I just suggest you go see it before it is confirmed that Mila Kunis is dating Ashton Kutcher, because if god is proven not to exist you’ll never buy the talking bear story, and if I am thirty-five, and I am, then how come I know the movie When Harry Met Sally so well I can tell if in a certain moment that a character acts out of character? I guess this review had to have a surprise somewhere!

Monday, July 2, 2012

And now, finally, finally revealed, finally!

And now, finally, finally revealed, finally:  After literally months of speculation the secret has finally been discovered, by ME, and so now, finally, finally revealed, finally - How the pyramids were built!

As a child the future first pharaoh of Egypt loved to play in the sand box. Only problem was that most days there was a bully there, and like all bullies he was a total dickhead, who would always steal the future pharaoh’s Tonka trucks, push over his sand castles and then pee on them and claim it was actually 7-up. Eventually, after literally many months of harassment, and even more tears, the future pharaoh had enough and screamed out ‘well one day I'm going to rule an empire and I'll build things so big you can never push them over before get making me taste the aftermath to see if it really did taste like the world’s least flavorful soda, so there’!

The bully, being a bully, was a moron and responded ‘yeah right’ and it turned out ‘yeah right’ was right! Only the bully meant it sarcastically so he was actually deadly wrong. And the bully was forced to watch as the future pharaoh did build an empire, locating it in the desert, so it would feel like a big fat sand box all of his own.

The final piece of his puzzle was still to be achieved, an enormous sandcastle that could never be pushed down. Still scared by the loss of literally twenty Tonka trucks, he demanded this castle be built using no modern trucks or machinery, and workers weren't even allowed to refresh themselves with 7-up, because there were far more flavorful refreshments like Dr Pepper, crocodile eye flavored Italian ice, lemon sunkist, and sprite with orange flavoring added frozen into ice cubes and put into Diet Coke, and the castle was to be built in a pyramid shape, because back in those days the only plastic buckets you could buy at the hardware store to make sand castles with were pyramid shaped, ‘round’ having yet to be invented, which is also why actual castles were yet to be invented.

For a while construction was slow. Worker’s struggled to lift the rocks up to make the castle, but then the pharaoh had a genius idea: Former bullies often now had teenage daughter, having knocked up classmates in school closets because they couldn’t figure out how to get the condoms out of the wrapper. The pharaoh would find these men, bring them to the construction site and say 'carry that rock up there or we'll gang rape your daughter’, and the former bullies, while being scum did still want to protect their daughters, because they knew what sort of filthy ideas men can have about teenage girls, and they didn’t want men thinking these things while raping their daughters, and they would get super strength and carry up the rock like some sort of man beast, or life size Tonka truck, which they also knew all about having stolen them for years.

Then the Pharaoh would have the daughters gang raped anyway, because those pharaohs were vindictive bastards with lots of bitterness hanging over from their own disappointing teenage years, sometimes they'd even make fun of little girls for thinking they'd seen Johnny Depp when they'd actually just seen a look alike, dicks!

After the gang rape the former bullies would be taken to the quarry and handed a pick and in their rage they would break up more stone for use in future construction of the giant sandcastle/ pyramids, and the pattern would continue until a pyramid was built.

Now the Pharaoh would appear and tell him they'd been Punk'd (something that made the future finder of these truths really pissed with himself to use, because it’s terrible hacky old reference and I was forced to use it, because for some reason in my story I wanted it so that the teenage girls hadn't actually been raped, what's happened to me?) and the former bully would say 'that's a horrible thing to do, really mean man, like not nice at all, if that Punk’d thing ever becomes a TV show your going to need to find a complete an absolute douchebag to host it’.

'TV show you say' the Pharoahs said, and being the head of a huge organization with lots money they had no idea about creativity or artistic merit and merely thought 'There might be money in that'.

There were only two problems –
1. TV seemed like something the Jews may end up controlling, so they thought they had better start a pattern of Middle Eastern attempts to eradicate Jews.
2. They really would have to find completely unlikable dickhead to host a show like that, and no one had even imagined anyone could be douchey enough, as even bullies that would steal Tonka trucks were nice enough to carry rocks to protect their daughters.

So for centuries they'd start race wars while simultaneously breeding the least likable people on earth with each other until eventually we got to the point where the Jews only controlled a large chunk of TV, and the seven millionth child was born to selective douche on douche breeding, and Ashton Kutcher was born and the entire Middle East went 'well the Jews do run large chunks of TV but some of them make really funny shows, and we found a man annoying and unlikeable enough to host this Punk'd show, so let’s get to it’.

And that day all attempts to eradicate the Jews ended and a really shitty show was born. God wasn't happy and immediately made the nose of the sphinx fall off to show his disgust, and for some reason people actually liked that shitty show, and more shows made up of really unlikable dickheads continued to get made. The end.

The lesson is that I was kind of embarrassed to write a piece using such an old, hack like ‘Punk’d’ reference, but then I realized as the only person who currently new the truth on how the pyramids were built I had better jump on this smack on current pop culture topical reference while I could, because you don’t want to waste shit like that, I mean who knows when I'll get the chance to talk about pyramids again? Plus at least the teenage girls didn’t actually get raped, and for some reason I literally care about that, what’s wrong with me?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I had an interesting day

One of the best things about having an interesting day is lots of interesting things happen, sometimes LOTS of interesting things. Here is a list of interesting things that happened to me on this interesting day. If you ask me this is LOTS of things.

-I saw three girls, all around 8-12 years old going nuts, and screaming and jumping up and down. You see they'd just met, and gotten autographs and photos with Johnny Depp. Well so they thought.  It was actually one of about twelve look alikes that hang on Hollywood Blvd, but they were CONVINCED it was Johnny. Kind of sad really.
- I got jealous of the real Johnny Depp for having that power over people.
- I realized that in that moment I was kind of suggesting when I'm nearly fifty I'd like it if 11 year old girls get horny for me.
- Even though I realized that's creepy I still kind of like the idea. Kind of sad really.
- Not that I would do anything with young girls obviously.
- I bought two pairs of shorts.
- Again, I would never do anything with young girls, but my jealousy at them getting horny for fake middle aged Johnny Depp instead of me made me silently enjoy the thought of the girls calling their friends boasting about who they’d met, only then to show the photos and have it pointed out that the man in those photos is definitely not Johnny Depp.
- I went for a long walk
- I saw Two homeless people talking, and the Mexican one was apologizing to the African American one for all the injustice his people have faced with the tag 'now I've said it, can we just be friends again?'
- I nearly got hit by a car as it angrily overtook another car, furious at its cruel insistence at not running me over as I crossed at a green light.
- I thought about buying a t-shirt but didn't find any I liked. Kind of sad really.
- In my mind if I was those girls friends I would be forever pointing out non celebrities and saying ' look it's brad Pitt, you should get an autograph’ and then referencing the time they claimed they saw Johnny Depp for comedic effect.
- I drank an orange juice.
- On my walk I passed the strip mall where I'd once seen a real douchey guy jump out of his Ferrari without opening the car door and as a joke I said to my friend 'look, it's the singer from Maroon 5' - my friend still tells people he saw Adam Lavine - I like to make fun of my friend for this.
- If I saw an old woman get out of a Porsche I may say 'look it's Steven Tyler, get an autograph - you know cause remember how you say you saw Adam Lavine’?
- I saw several very attractive girls in bikinis, and I say attractive because they were in their twenties which is an age group of girls I actually do want to get horny for me, and so unlike with those young girls I did think naughty thoughts, so there is definitely nothing creepy about me!
- None of them seemed to get horny for me and this made me jealous.
- If I were their friends I would totally find ways to make fun of them.
- Turns out I may be a dick
- If I apologize to an African American for all the injustice they've face can we please be friends again? Although if I ever become as big an asshole as the guy that nearly hit me with his car please hang me.

Yep Hollywood people, where you have to really FIGHT to avoid super, super interesting things, not interesting t-shirts though, boo.