Don’t (re) see Ted until you read this

Ted is a depressing drama about a little boy who makes a wish that his Teddy Bear could really talk, and God in a surprise twist, who is watching a little boy for some reason, and really wants to make him happy, in a way that will make it hard for him to form lasting relationships with women, and it just so happens that this particular little boy, who at this point is a friendless loser, will grow up to be super good looking, and extremely buff despite seemingly never going to the gym, and has an addiction to marijuana and the associated munchies, so someone who seems to ‘supernaturally’ have a perfect body, grants this wish!

Why does god want to do this? Well if you thought it was for some sexual reason then you’d be dead wrong. Because in a huge surprise, it’s actually a movie about a talking Teddy Bear. The real reason is because god has a point to make – that if you reach the exact age of thirty-five, then it is really important that it be pointed out to you over, and over again that you should have your life sorted out by now, with ‘now’ being the exact age thirty-five. Which is the age I am currently.

In this movie there is a fucking living talking teddy bear, and no one seems to really care that much, and yet the fact that a thirty-five year old still likes to have fun, and not be all like serious all the time, is pointed out again, and again, and again. This is really quite mean. Especially if you happen to be in the audience and aged thirty-five, which is the age I share with the lead character, unpredictably.

In a surprise twist - I personally am exactly thirty-five years old! In actual fact if I did the math, and I won’t because math is for mature grown up people, today may be close to me being in the dead center of the one year I will be thirty-five years old. Also I still like having fun and am not serious all the time, and this movie seemed to want to tell me that me being very single, not having achieved much and still enjoying immature things, meant I was not a real man yet. Especially if I happened to be exactly thirty-five years old, which is the age that I am. 

I think the moment in the movie which hit home the most was when the girlfriend, played by the supremely gorgeous Mila Kunis, addresses the camera and says ‘hey if you’re thirty-five it would be pretty pathetic if you’re still getting wasted with your friends and watching lots of TV. Even if by some fluke you can get wasted tones, never go to the gym, and still have a body like a Greek god, and that’s not true with you David Tieck, and really, I mean what kind of loser is thirty five, single, at the movies by himself, and still fucking around in life with no real direction? I may not have great taste in men, I mean there are rumors I am dating Ashton Kutcher, who may be the most unlikable person on earth, but at least he’s not thirty five! Plus, how come, in a shocking twist, your spellcheck thinks sometimes it has to be ‘thirty five’ and yet other times it has to be ‘thirty-five’ what kind of a pathetic excuse for a man are you? Ashton doesn’t have these problems’

This rant really affected me, because, shockingly, I am thirty five, because she said my name directly, and because if she really is dating Ashton Kutcher then it is proof there is no god, and if there isn’t then what the hell made that Teddy Bear talk? Also because it was really out of character, like remember in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ when whatsherface? Meg Ryan (‘whatsherface’ refers not to my forgetting her name, but to her the bad plastic surgery she has had on her face) fakes the orgasm in the deli? Well that was really out of character from Sally, and so really unbelievable, and became the reason many people didn’t like that movie, and was so bad they even eventually copied it for a crap cereal commercial, and the writer of When Harry Met Sally died last week, so why would Seth MacPharlane want to remind us of this with Mila speaking out of character unless he wanted people, say thirty-five year olds, to worry about how old they are? I’ll tell you why, he wants thirty five years olds to worry about how old they are! And after a long amount of suspense I can reveal now that I AM thirty five, surprise!

Then again I was also affected when at one point Ted looks at the screen and says 'hey David Tieck, the guy who wrote and directed this movie and is doing my voice, has created several really awesome shows, is super successful, knows how to send an awesome backhanded message, managed to cast about a hundred gorgeous women in this movie and you’re a thirty five year old loser at the movies by himself.' This really seemed like a personal attack on me, because I am thirty-five.

Then again, for people who are not exactly thirty-five, unlike me, and bombshell here, I am thirty five, if there is such a thing, it is actually a really funny movie, better than I expected, I just suggest you go see it before it is confirmed that Mila Kunis is dating Ashton Kutcher, because if god is proven not to exist you’ll never buy the talking bear story, and if I am thirty-five, and I am, then how come I know the movie When Harry Met Sally so well I can tell if in a certain moment that a character acts out of character? I guess this review had to have a surprise somewhere!