Showing posts with label free. Show all posts
Showing posts with label free. Show all posts

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Free points

Eric, an insurance claim adjuster, was having a tough time adjusting to claims that he wasn't as good at tennis as he thought he was. 

'What do you mean?' He asked, when it was first mooted. 
'Look it doesn't matter, just I wouldn't boast about it so much, is all' replied Kevin, his regular tennis opponent, and recent recipient of a twenty minute reenactment of how Eric had recently pipped him for his third straight win'.
'No tell me, I'm dying to know, how is three straight wins not a sign of my burgeoning brilliance?'
'Well, let's just say that sometimes your serves go long and I call them in because it's more fun to have a rally than call double fault. And on that note, double faults are actually when you miss only two serves in a row, it's not "when you miss two it means you get only one more" like we've been playing, which I made up so you wouldn't just double fault almost every bloody point. Oh and technically you don't get twice the points for playing double-handled backhands, I just made that up because when you go one handed you ALWAYS hit it into the net. Oh and you know the rule where the first person on to the court that yells "honey-dew melon" gets to hit it within the doubles lines and have it still be in, that you always seem to manage to say first, that's technically not in the rule books. Oh and you know how I'm a left handed tennis player, have you noticed I'm right handed in every other way?'
'So basically you've just been bending all the rules this this whole time?'
'Well yeah'.
'So I'm playing with YOUR rules and STILL winning! THREE IN A ROW, THREE IN A ROW, THREE IN A ROW!'

Kevin, Eric's regular tennis opponent had just learned a valuable lesson, the 'free' six million dollars that he'd been able to steal from Eric's insurance company using information he'd slowly gotten off Eric over three months of tennis matches had turned out to come at a cost after all. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

The best day flight - The Freedom Factor

There are pigeons at the zoo.  

You don't need to be there little buddies.

This doesn't need to be your home.

The zoo isn't for you. 

You're a free bird. 

Fly little birdie fly. 

Besides no one wants to see you here. 

You're not pretty enough.

You're too common.

You're free and ugly and common. 

That'd actually be a good name for a novel or something.



Hey you, this is a pigeon here, hey, um shut up. 

What? 

I said shut the fuck up. 

No you said 'hey you, this is a pigeon here, hey, um shut up'.

Well if you knew what I said then why did you say 'what'?

It was, you know, what do you want?

Oh, well alright. Well for starters I wanted to tell you that I get a lot of ass, quality ass, and in my species that's where all the fun stuff happens, so ugly? Well fuck you, and your close minded judgment. Plus common? You bet your ass. Did I mention how much ass I get? Well let's just say that they don't make no condom that feels good in a pigeons ass, you got me? 

Yeah, I do, sorry. Ew. Pigeon ass. Shudder. 

Um, what? You fuck. 

I SAID PIGEON ASS SHUDDER! That's how you repeat something bitch.

What's your problem buddy?

Look, I was just trying to encourage you, to explore man, to leave the zoo. This is for caged animals, don't be a caged animal if you don't have to be. Be wild, like an owl or something.

Like an owl? Are you stupid? Owls live here man, at the zoo. 

Only some of them man.

Yeah?

Of course. They're out there catching mice, talking wise, and spreading hooty cries!  

Wow that sounds awesome, that could even be the name of a novel or something. Plus I have always kind of wanted to be an owl. Have you seen their necks? I could have FUN with that, if you know what I mean? 

I think we're on the same page pigeon friend. 

Me too, you're actually kind of awesome. 

Thanks. 



It was the best day of my life. Still, pigeon ass? Shudder.