Breaking News: The term 'itsy bitsy' banned at the water spout

The cheers heard around the world's most famous water spout today have now echoed through the chambers of progress after, in a coup for differently sized spiders, officials officially banned the term 'itsy bitsy' near their spout with an official (yet scary to many in attendance) whack of a gavel. 

The head of the committee in charge of the campaign to ban the term, Rodger, a Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula, was quoted as saying 'suck on that you stupid little spiders, I'm sick of being shamed because I'm not as svelte as you. It's not fair. It's not at all fair. Why is everyone so obsessed with size? Judgmental assholes. I shouldn't have to be treated differently just because I'm different! But we beat the dicks, and this was a quick campaign with swift success, which is good, hard work is not my forte, and besides I'm getting a shipment of just hatched raven babies delivered from my butcher tonight and I plan on serving them raw with a sauce of puréed praying mantis larvae, and stuffing my face with that till I can't walk for a week. Hopefully I can find a nice ladies favorite pair of shoes to sleep it off in'.

When reached for comment the world's most famous itsy bitsy spider, itsy bitsy himself was understandably distraught, crying into the phone 'being itsy bitsy and climbing that water spout has been the focus of my life for decades, what am I going to do? What the hell am I going to do? I don't know who I am anymore? I don't even remember my real name. Was it Steve? Oh fuck please don't let it have been Steve, Daddy Long Steve already has a stronghold on the world of famous spiders named Steve. I can't rebrand now. I just had seven thousand new t-shirts printed for my next tour. This will ruin me, RUIN ME????'

Then the phone call ended abruptly with a loud bang. We're pretty sure he didn't shoot himself, the little guy was way to small and weak to use a gun. He probably just got whacked with a shoe. We probably shouldn't have organized for him to take our call at that 'Clowns with Arachnophobia' benefit, but we also needed to get a quote from Bonkos  on the recent changes in clown law making it illegal for children to laugh 'at' clowns, with only 'with' laughter tolerated now, which lead to the recent mass execution of most attendees at Suzie's fourth birthday party, and we didn't want to fork out for two phone calls. 

A list of alternative ways to describe spiders of different sizes wishing to climb water spouts was requested with the response coming 'I don't know, just because we violently objected to something doesn't mean we've spent any time considering an alternative, that's not how the world works you dicks. YOU come up with it. But it better not offend us, or we'll take you to court, and watch out, because we can be offended by just about ANYTHING!'

After losing several millions of dollars in lawsuits from our suggestions of 'size unimportant', 'a size that fits in the rainbow of sizes, and 'sized somewhere between grab the bug spray to we're moving house', our fourth suggestion of 'differently boned' was immediately accepted with quote 'cool, did you just come up with that? That way I can say "Don't call me fat you dick, I'm big boned!" Yeah that totally works'.

Please Note: Bonkos official quote was 'the laws didn't go far enough, I'm told that sometimes those laughing "with" are ALSO doing it for the wrong reasons. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust laughter again. What am I going to do, what the hell am I going to do?' Then the phone call ended abruptly with a loud bang. 

Please Note Two: Three spiders have since become stuck and died in the water spout. When reached for comment the lawyer at the head of the ban the term itsy bitsy campaign was quoted as saying 'it's not our fault, maybe if the fat fucks laid off the flies and went for a walk occasionally they'd be okay, although if you call them fat in your story I'll sue the shit out of you, the official term is "big boned"'.

Please Note Three: A leading Arachnologists has now warned that if spiders, a traditionally boneless species, are now evolving to not just have an exoskeleton, but also bones, and already sometimes big bones then, quote 'we are all fucked, spiders will soon take over the world, there's probably one in your bed waiting to get you as we speak'.

Please Note Five: After a recent announcement made by an Arachnologists for some reason a swarm or a 'pratfall' of clowns has been seen 'freaking the fuck out'.

Please Note Six: The Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) Society has issued a statement saying 'we told you clowns were evil and would one day go psycho and try and take over the world, we TOLD you, but you all just laughed at us, you dicks. It's not nice to treat people differently just because they're different. There should be a term to describe idiots like you, I know, let's call you "dicks", yeah I like that. Ha ha, let's all laugh at the stupid "dicks"! 

Please Note Seven: It turns out Bonkos possibly did not shoot himself. Apparently little Suzie's mother was upset about the official complaint Bonkos had made about Suzie and most of her party guests, and had sought out Bonkos looking for 'revenge'. Seriously revenge? It's sickening, some people are just so damn sensitive. 

I hope someone brought the butter

 I got a haircut yesterday - and yes, thank you, I wanted to look like a bearded lesbian, I am glad you noticed, approve and more than that applaud me for it. You are all very sweet and generous people, and I will most certainly take your compliments, love, and praise and pack them into the small hole I keep below my left pancreas, which is where I keep emotions that I haven’t had time to cram into my heart yet.

Of course there is a reason why I don’t foresee having time to shove them into my heart, because something happened during my haircut experience which is kind of a little concerning, and no it’s not my once again pathetic attempts to make small talk with someone cutting my hair, but thanks for noticing, I appreciate it, and enjoy your commendations.

Here is the thing, before the haircut the hairdresser washed my hair, because why else get a haircut other than for the opportunity for your one hair wash every year? And as the hairdresser was rubbing my head while washing my hair, she paused for a moment before anxiously saying:

 'Wow you really hold a lot of tension in your skull'.

So yes it is true, the tension in my brain is starting to infiltrate my skull and my head may pop at any moment. Now I am not writing this blog looking for sympathy nor compassion. All our heads will pop one day, it is an inevitable part of life. Some have their head pop way into old age, and some have it pop randomly still young and while their life is going great. It is something that we cannot change. Suddenly you hear a loud bang, and realize that no one near by was carrying a balloon, and see a body on the ground missing a popped head. That is something we all live with as humans.  

But what we don’t have to live with is having random brain parts from popped heads splashing on us ruining our shirts. If you see me coming, please, pull out your poncho and put it on immediately. You will not offend me in the slightest. I carry around a poncho everywhere too, and yet I, like I am sure all of you, have faced the horror of being on a train, or at a crowded party, where a head has popped and your poncho was kept dry and in your pocket, while one of your favorite shirts is ruined, and you’re all like ‘oh come on man, let a guy know if you think your head may be about to pop!’

As I look around the secret webcams I have pointed at most of you reading this, I am seeing a lot of nodding heads. And yet out in public saying things like this is for some reason taboo – ‘we don’t want to offend anyone who’s head is about to pop’ people whisper to each other. And yet every single one of us carries around a poncho at all times supposedly to protect our shirts from brains splashing from popped heads.

Well enough is enough. I am brave enough to say it – I am David Tieck, and according to my hairdresser, whom I see for all my medical needs, hold a lot of tension in my skull, and therefore my head may pop at any second.

Now it’s all of your turns, have you had a haircut lately?

Oh holy hell, as I am looking around the webcams I am not seeing a single hand up in the air. How the hell then do you even know if your head might be about to pop? This is so much worse than I expected! 

Forget waiting for someone to warn you that their head might be about to pop before putting on your poncho. Apparently most people haven’t had a check up as recently as me. Oh my god people. For all we know heads might start popping all over the goddamn place.

Screw it. I wanted to use my immanent head pop to encourage a generous warning period so we could get our ponchos on in time and save our shirts, but it’s useless, so let’s all just all wear our ponchos all the time. I ain’t spending one more night trying to wash splashed brains out of a button up.

So there you go, mines on. And yes, the garbage bag green does look nice with my bearded lesbian looking head. I will take your kindness, affection, and accolades and pack them right in there under that left pancreas right away.

Wait, one more thing, if your head is about to pop, does it matter what your hair looks like?

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