Thursday, June 5, 2014

I hope someone brought the butter

 I got a haircut yesterday - and yes, thank you, I wanted to look like a bearded lesbian, I am glad you noticed, approve and more than that applaud me for it. You are all very sweet and generous people, and I will most certainly take your compliments, love, and praise and pack them into the small hole I keep below my left pancreas, which is where I keep emotions that I haven’t had time to cram into my heart yet.

Of course there is a reason why I don’t foresee having time to shove them into my heart, because something happened during my haircut experience which is kind of a little concerning, and no it’s not my once again pathetic attempts to make small talk with someone cutting my hair, but thanks for noticing, I appreciate it, and enjoy your commendations.

Here is the thing, before the haircut the hairdresser washed my hair, because why else get a haircut other than for the opportunity for your one hair wash every year? And as the hairdresser was rubbing my head while washing my hair, she paused for a moment before anxiously saying:

 'Wow you really hold a lot of tension in your skull'.

So yes it is true, the tension in my brain is starting to infiltrate my skull and my head may pop at any moment. Now I am not writing this blog looking for sympathy nor compassion. All our heads will pop one day, it is an inevitable part of life. Some have their head pop way into old age, and some have it pop randomly still young and while their life is going great. It is something that we cannot change. Suddenly you hear a loud bang, and realize that no one near by was carrying a balloon, and see a body on the ground missing a popped head. That is something we all live with as humans.  

But what we don’t have to live with is having random brain parts from popped heads splashing on us ruining our shirts. If you see me coming, please, pull out your poncho and put it on immediately. You will not offend me in the slightest. I carry around a poncho everywhere too, and yet I, like I am sure all of you, have faced the horror of being on a train, or at a crowded party, where a head has popped and your poncho was kept dry and in your pocket, while one of your favorite shirts is ruined, and you’re all like ‘oh come on man, let a guy know if you think your head may be about to pop!’

As I look around the secret webcams I have pointed at most of you reading this, I am seeing a lot of nodding heads. And yet out in public saying things like this is for some reason taboo – ‘we don’t want to offend anyone who’s head is about to pop’ people whisper to each other. And yet every single one of us carries around a poncho at all times supposedly to protect our shirts from brains splashing from popped heads.

Well enough is enough. I am brave enough to say it – I am David Tieck, and according to my hairdresser, whom I see for all my medical needs, hold a lot of tension in my skull, and therefore my head may pop at any second.

Now it’s all of your turns, have you had a haircut lately?

Oh holy hell, as I am looking around the webcams I am not seeing a single hand up in the air. How the hell then do you even know if your head might be about to pop? This is so much worse than I expected! 

Forget waiting for someone to warn you that their head might be about to pop before putting on your poncho. Apparently most people haven’t had a check up as recently as me. Oh my god people. For all we know heads might start popping all over the goddamn place.

Screw it. I wanted to use my immanent head pop to encourage a generous warning period so we could get our ponchos on in time and save our shirts, but it’s useless, so let’s all just all wear our ponchos all the time. I ain’t spending one more night trying to wash splashed brains out of a button up.

So there you go, mines on. And yes, the garbage bag green does look nice with my bearded lesbian looking head. I will take your kindness, affection, and accolades and pack them right in there under that left pancreas right away.

Wait, one more thing, if your head is about to pop, does it matter what your hair looks like?

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