Saturday, March 28, 2020
We’ve all been there. You didn’t mean to, but you had a big night. It was Saturday night after all, or perhaps even a Tuesday night for the more crazy adventurous types among us (tee-hee). And you were feeling a little storm footed. A little glance hearted. A little lascivious even. A tad concupiscent. A smudge libidinous. Two parts haunch marked. And you think, “I know, I’ll go for a simple gentle walk and try to walk it off”. What could go wrong? You broke a leg once playing football as a kid, and when you told the coach “I’m hurt boss” he said “walk it off kid” and nothing went wrong after that. You’ve even recently stopped limping. What could wrong now?
So you’re on your walk. And you spot a bar. Well more like a tavern. Possibly even a watering hole. Well I think we all know what happens. You’re a little ganger jostled. You’re tiffingly lilliputian. You’re infinitesimally knot fugged. You think, “just one drink, what could go wrong?” after all you only ever drank one glass of Draino on a dare, and two fifths of your intestines were recovered and sewed back on. They were supposed to be sewed back “in” but i or o, who hasn’t made a mistake like that?
Anyway, we’ve all been there, we know the deal. 1 drink turns to 2. 2 drinks turns to 2.5 drinks. .5 of a drink goes on the floor cause you turned too fast with a full glass in your hand. You think, “what have I turned into?” It turns out it’s a hallway with a beer garden you didn’t know was back there. You walk out there. You realize behind the beer garden is a garden path. You pass out maps to your astonishment, but no one passes the mustard because you don’t have a hotdog. So you walk alone down the path.
You can all finish the next bit yourselves. You’ve all experienced it. Next thing you know you’re caught smack bang in the middle of an argument between a fox and a giant stonefish. The fox is upset because the giant stonefish has, according to the fox: “never ONCE offered to skim their pool for leaves which have escaped the branches of the trees in the adjacent Enchanted Forrest”
And the giant stonefish is like: “Wait a minute, are you fucking kidding me? That forest we’re adjacent to is the enchanted forest, THE Enchanted Forest? You knew that and you’ve never ONCE offered to take me for a walk through its magical shrubs, lumps and trunks?”
And the fox is like: “You don’t have fucking feet, you can’t go for a walk ANYWHERE”
And the giant stonefish is like: “I don’t have fucking hands either, and you want be to fucking skim the leaves off the pool dick!”
And we’ve all experienced it. You’re eek solvanted, you’re throbbing in the imbroglio, you’ve run out of interesting words you just found poking around a thesaurus and/or just made up and that you’re using despite you not knowing their real meanings, and no one else being likely to either, so fuck it, and you fucking HATE conflict, so rather than mediate, rather than peace broker, you just fucking skim the leaves off the pool yourself!
Now it’s the next morning. You don’t remember much of what happened after you picked up the pool skimmer. You feel regretful. Why is it always YOU who ends up skimming the pool? But you don’t recall much else. Perhaps the drinks took hold of your blood. Maybe your fugged up concupiscent imbroglio has taken over. But whatever it is, you look across your bed and it turns out… you… are… not…in… bed… alone!
Now is when this normal every day evening we’ve all enjoyed, or at least experienced, takes a spin down the path of weirdness. You’ve stepped off the ledge of relatable to the hob tower and into the unknown my friends. Because it turns out, in your bed, your fucking bed, alongside you, practically INSIDE you, is something that wasn’t there last night – that’s right you have a big throbbing mosquito bite.
But then you scratch the itch, and that feels pretty good. It’s fun even.
Well this is where things take a turn for the exciting. I am here to tell you – you do NOT have to have a mosquito bite to enjoy the fun of scratching. In fact there are many things you can scratch for fun that have absolutely nothing to do with itching at all. Consider this list of fun every day things you can scratch anytime you want completely free of the need to itch first:
- Scratch and win thingies
- Scratch and sniff stuffs
- Sandy enclaves
- The cornea in your eyeball
- Small wounds that have started to heal
- Being married for seven years
- Dry flakey scalps.
That’s right the list is nearly endless!
So have fun scratching everyone and remember – “You’ve Been To The Fun Field Of Dreams Starring You, and Kev
Nope, still haven’t nailed the catch phrase. We’ll get there. Stay fun everyone! What could go wrong?