Friday, January 14, 2022

One million reasons to say "rad"

Welcome to the fantastical everyone, the blog where I only wear space grade face force fields at home during lightening storms AND where I am on the march to one MILLION total reads. 


That's one MILLION reads. 

(Insert Austin Powers gif here)


As of writing the total is - 999866. 


Which is REALLY close to a million. 


And here is the thing, I'd like to hit the million - why? Because it would be rad. 


In fact it would be rad for a TWO reasons

1. If people asked me "has anything rad happen to you lately?" I could answer - "yes". 

2. I could finally laugh in the face of 999 Joe - the local bully who loves to bum cigarettes from people, claims to have heard lots of CDs, and is always waving people down in their cars and then telling them to "watch out for the notorious car wavererer guy" - and when he is challenged about his antics he always replies -

"Well I've got 999 bro, that's why they call me 999 Joe" 

And when people ask - "is that like you're nine hundred and ninety nine at something or something?"

He always get's mad and says - "No, not nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine nine nine nine - as in that's how many reads my blog has had pal" 

And when the response is - "shouldn't your name then be '999999 Joe' then"?

He gets all antsy and screams - "NO, WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT- IT'S 999 JOE - THAT'S A COOL NAME, IT ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE, AND SOUNDS COOL"

And when the people then come back with - "Oh sure, if you say so, mr nine hundred and ninety nine blog reads only Joe" 

He then gets FURIOUS and yells - "If I ever see you driving around here I am going to wave you down so hard" 

And then when the people reply - "Oh what, and then tell us to watch out for the scwary mr car waving boy"

He then gets angrier still and yells - "It's WAVERERER GUY ASSHOLE"! 


And you see here's the thing - the REAL asshole, in my opinion, IS -  999 joe. In fact, he might even be a dick. 


So if we can hit the million here - oh boy - are things going to be different next time I clash with 999 Joe. 


Here's how I think it will go down: 

"Hello there, my name is 999 Joe" 

"Nice to see you 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave plus FOUR more 0's at the end - and those 0's are zeros, not o's, as in "owe", I mean those ones aren't "owe" either, they are just o, like you don't owe me anything, so just to clarify 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave 0000 - that's a one, and then six zeros total, three digits before my name like you, and then four after for a total of seven numbers total - I've split them up, with the Dave in the middle just for some extra intrigue, and some suspense, and a little pizzaz, but overall the digits when stuck back together make up the number 1000000, which is one MILLION! (Insert Austin Powers Gif here), which means REGARDLESS of whether 999 Joe stands for nine hundred and nintey nine, or nine hundred and ninty nine thousand and nine nine nine blog reads, I HAVE YOU BEAT JOE! SUCK ON THAT!" 

Yep, that's going to be AWESOME. Apart from anything, think of all the time I will save not having to debate his meaning of 999. 


And then think of the things I could do with that time, things such as: 

- Buy a time share 

- Share a pizza with a pizza loving friend

- Friend up a spoon wielding welder 

- Find out WHY he or she wields a spoon

- Ask if he or she is ever worried that they'll ever accidentally weld the spoon to something 

- If the answer is "Yes" follow that question up with a follow up question

- A question like "like what?" 


That's right folks, the million is close, and that means life is about to get interesting, possibly even VERY interesting my friends. 


I mean just think of the things the spoon may end up being welded to:

- A metal chair 

- The metal part of a partly metal chair 

- The chairy part of a partly metal car

- A partly metal car door SMACKING into 999 joe! 


Yep, life is about to get swell. 


PS. If you shorten Million to "Mill" you can make Mill'd stuff! Perhaps like mill'd space grade face force fields?? Woo hoo.  



                                                               999 Joe's current "haunt" 

Monday, January 10, 2022

At Last: The Pinnacle Of The Best Of The Best Ofs – 5 through 1

Pinnacles are hard to reach.

 

This is probably because they always put them up high - pricks – it’s not enough that tall people get the NBA, good views at concerts and the freshest air in the whole dang city, but they also get to be closer to pinnacles!

 

Plus pinnacles are often pointy - like a spear! What, are we gambling on which side of the neck the pointy bit will come out of when we swallow it? Cause I already lost my shirt on a round of that last Sunday.

 

Also, for some reason, they often put pinnacles in cold spots like the top of ridiculously tall mountains - um dude, I don’t even have a shirt anymore - I can’t ascend to there, I’ll get chilly!

 

If it sounds bleak - it’s because of this – it sometimes IS bleak.

 

Luckily, however, sometimes instead of it “IS” being bleak, it’s instead “NOT” bleak. Because luckily, some pinnacles aren’t earned with sweat, nor with tears, nor with badass icepick axes and three frostbitten black toes - but rather with SKILL.

 

“What skill?” I hear you ask. And I’ll answer it this way – the BEST skill.

 

That’s right, I am talking the skill of - the ability to put together a fucking swell quality Best Of The Year list at the end of a particular year, or sometimes early on during the subsequent year.

 

And this is most certainly the case with every member of our top 5 of the best of the best of lists for the end of the year of 2021, or early on in the subsequent year, in list form.

 

That’s right, here at Ok, Intriguing: Dang Yeah! The Fleeting Forever Expansion Fantastical, and only RIGHT here, each year we go through every single Best of List, listed by every media outlet out there, be they a newspaper, TV show, radio show DJ, nightclub DJ, Day Club DJ, Day Club DJ Booker, Handle Bar Mustache Club, Book Club DJ Sponsor, Social Media Devotee, Magazine, Mustache Sponsor Club, Hornets Nest where the hornets have developed the ability to both write, and make lists, and even  Newsletters. 


And once we have combed through each and every one of these lists, we can bring to you – the Best Of The Best of Lists, list. 

 

Are the lists on this list brilliant?


Are you kidding, we saw lists this year that were brilliant that didn’t even make our top 500, let alone reach the pinnacle.


Do the ones that DID make the list have pinnacles?


Hell no, we don’t even acknowledge the existence of pinnacles, unless you’re talking metaphorical ones, in which case these lists on the list have pinnacles in SPADES!

 

Now that’s my kind of pinnacles.

 

Without further adieu – here they are – your TOP five of 2021’s best of the Best Of Lists in list form.




 

 

Number Five

 

This Year’s Best Non Yacht Boats

 

By

 

Boats That Aren’t Yachts (take that yachts, and all your yacht magazines. Now WE are pretending YOU don’t even exist - how does it feel? Not so comphy in your Danish designed, Norwegian wooded, captain’s quarters with satellite tv, cold beer in the fridge, and Finnish sex partner, now is it? Ha ha. Sucked inMagazine - or as it’s Colloquially known - Sucked In Mag - a title that was well loved and enjoyed with great humor for many decades, until several of the writers had their own non yacht boats sucked into a whirlpool and eaten by the Great North Sea’s resident Krolån Spog Un Fragulaåskan (translation - Sea Monster, although a more literal translation would be “Under Dark Water Tooth Angry Fear Machine Wart Face”).

 

They truly had some great non-yacht boats this year – my favorite (although it only finished 3rd) a bathtub someone hilariously tried to row to Klurghaåan Island (ha ha, yeah right, with the rocks on THAT shoreline – am I right?).

 

Number Four 

 

The Similes We Smiled At This Year

 

By

 

The Simile Smiles Academic Journal 

 

Dude, we saw this list get mocked relentlessly on social media. “Stick to more traditional academics”, people said, “I misread this, I thought it said smiles smiles, still YOUR stupid”, was hurled, “Journals are for writing out your thoughts and feelings about the day jackass”, was a common insult.

 

Well we contacted every one of these naysayers, and we didn’t insult them back, we didn’t argue, we didn’t even disagree – we merely asked “but did the Similes on their list make you smile” and one hundred percent of them said “yes” or “fuck off”. Now THAT’s a badass, polarizing, thought provoking, conversation starting list. As ALL academic journals should be. Well Done!

 

Number Three

 

And speaking of insults, it’s….

 

Top Insults Of The Year About Our No Longer Accurate Title

 

 By

 

The Happy Hour Radio Show On XTCY Cincinnati, 92.2,  In The Mornings - Now THREE Hours

 

Some highlights –

 

“Seriously, three hours? But the show has ‘hour’ singular in the title!”

“You lying sons of bitches, what’s next, you’re not even on the radio anymore?”

“I’ve just been told that your show is also available in podcast form, that’s NOT the radio – when will the lying END!”

“Speaking of bitches, I have a dog, but you sir take the cake, my dog can’t have any because the cake has chocolate”. And

“I missed my wife’s grooming session and my dogs pedicure cause they said come in an hour, so I listened to the happy hour, and my wife comes home, apparently three hours had gone by, felt like one.”

 

BURRRRRN.

 

Number Two

 

Tik Tok has really taken off in the last year, so it’s no surprise we have a Tik Toker for the first time ever this year. But how do you pick just one Tik Toker, and just one best of list from them?

 

Well it’s easy when you discover…

 

My Top Regrets From 2021

 

By

 

Joanna The Spanner

 

If you don’t know the account, get ready to laugh; Johanna is a spanner wielding licensed plumber – and for Tik Tok content she sneaks into men’s public bathrooms, rigs the toilets to explode, and then when the poor men who accidentally flush her rigged toilets walk out wet – she films them and puts it on Tik Tok. Hi(fucking)larious.


Well Joanna is not just hi(fucking)larious, she also has a heart - whether it is her regular activism for plumbers to not be called “toilet jackers” anymore, to the many times she’s rescued a still alive flushed pet fish by jacking the toilet so hard she brings them right back, or on her now award winning list My Regrets Of 2021, when she admitted that occasionally when a guy comes out of the bathroom just completely covered in turds, that sometimes she feels almost bad enough not to post the video!

 

Fuck man – there was not one dry eye in the whole fucking house when I saw that video - and not from toilet water lol! Hi(fucking)larious.

 

(Ps. That last joke was my joke not hers, just in case there are any casting agents reading this thinking about hiring her based on that joke / I’m sure she wouldn’t want to take credit it for it, so I’m just sparing her the embarrassment of having to credit me, not that crediting me is inherently embarrassing- some find it rather fetching in fact - one lady once told me that crediting me was the honor of her whole hour - which I personally found enchanting until I discovered just how haphazard she was with what she considered an “hour” fucker).

 

Number One

 

And Speaking Of Toilets… it’s time for YOUR number One! That’s right, with a remarkable THIRD win in just twenty-two years in the game, it’s…

 

Bathroom graffiti artist and frequent pee boy- Fredirocko Bagone - and his whimsical, meta and downright poetic work at the Christchurch Westfield mall’s, level 2 East Wing Mens Toilet - Cubicle 6

 

And His

 

Top 4 Pairs Of Pants Left In This Cubicle In 2021

 

Number one on HIS list - bike shorts!

 

Oh my god, you’ve not just done the best best of list of the year, but you’ve also REDEFINED what this journalist thinks the boundary between pants and underwear is.

 

This wasn’t just a list - this was a movement - this was a manifesto - THIS was a REVOLUTION! This was this years PINNACLE best of list!

 

Plus, get this, Fredirocko is only 5 foot 4 – pinnacles are officially finally for everyone!

 

Cue your favorite celebration song in your head right now!

 

 

In summation

 

 

Thanks for joining us for another exciting list of the best of the best of lists.

 

A reminder that this was just OUR choices, and there are brilliant lists all over our short listed top 500. Brilliance was just not good enough to guarantee a top ten this year.

 

If there was a list you think we missed add it in the comments.

 

Want us to list the entire top 500? Just ask me in the comments; I might just be stupid enough to try. 


The hunt for The Krolån Spog Un Fragulaåskan Sea Monster is ongoing. Get on it people, there is a 2000kr prize! 


But we recommend NOT hunting for it in a BATH row boat!


Hi(fucking)larious!


(Again, just for the casting agents, that was my joke, NOT the Sea Monsters!)




                                                         Klurghaåan Island 

Thursday, January 6, 2022

The Best Of The Best Of Lists - Number 6


Dusk. DUSK. Dusk

Dusk has a way of messing with your mind. The darkening sky, the cooling air, the night owls coming out of their nests, the day owls heading back inside and wondering if they really are owls at all.

Dusk makes a person ask questions of themselves, questions like:

  • Is this really what I’m doing with my life? - and
  • Shouldn’t I be at home? - and
  • Maybe I’ll stay for one more whisky? - and
  • What time even is it? - and
  • Oh that’s right, it’s dusk? - and
  • Oh, that actually pretty early to be at a bar, maybe I’ll have two more whiskies? - and
  • And maybe some curly fries? - and
  • Does this place even sell curly fries? - and
  • No they don’t. Dang. I love curly fries?

But dusk isn’t all self-reflection and ambiguous life choices. Good things happen at dusk too, things like

  • Nocturnal rodents coming out to play - and
  • Day amphibians that are fucked up on drugs coming out thinking it’s dawn, and when they realize it’s not, deciding to just get fucked up again instead of returning to bed- and
  • Probably some fun fish shit too


But whether good, bad, dark, light, or some sort of glowing weird maroon color - one thing is always the same - dusk is a good time to hit play on a movie if you want it to be done in time to still grab dinner before the clubs open.


And that’s exactly why Becky Lackers decided to finally hit play on the film Dusk To Dawn, which she’d been meaning to get around to finally watching for basically like forever.

And we are ecstatic that she did, because that simple action, that seemingly minor choice, led to MASSIVE rewards, for Becky AND the world.


That's right - THAT was choice that led to Becky’s OUTLANDISHLY brilliant best of list.

A list that ROCKETED straight to our Number 6 - best of the best of 2021 lists, list.

Her list - I know it, you know it, we all know it - it is of course…






My top three things I noticed about the film Dusk To Dawn which I finally saw in 2021

Dang, YEAH!!!

And let me be the first to say it - what a fucking OUTLANDISHLY brilliant list. Concise yet detailed, profound yet gorgeously simple, forlorn yet full of more joyful wonder than your average ballet class graduation bring your own cupcake festival!

Now, we rarely do this, but seeing as Becky's list, at this point only exists verbally (I overheard her saying it to her friend Josephine on the night bus), and seeing as at the time Becky was pretty wasted (like a god damn amphibian that apparently doesn’t own a clock), and seeing as wasted people sometimes don’t remember what they say, well I’m going to just (gulp) steal it (sorry Becky, if you see this please contact me and I’ll share the profits with you - and really do, the profits will be CONSIDERABLE).

So here they are - Becky Lackers - Top three things I noticed about the film Dusk To Dawn which I finally saw in 2021

1. Did you know Quitnen Tarinwhatshisname was once an actor too? Oh you did. Well me too now.

2. Where do I know that girl who plays the daughter from… oh wait wait I know - she was in that other movie, um um, you know, yes she was

3. The ending TOTALY ripped off Twilight


OUTSTANDING Becky - poignant yet indifferent, passionate yet reflective, and full of just enough sadness to make a person forget something else sad, like just off the top of my head, say you went to an end of class ballet cupcake festival and no one told you that you had to bring a cupcake, cause you thought, hey it's a festival, I'll get a cupcake there, so everyone else is enjoying a cupcake and you don't have one, and did one fucking asshole even offer you a taste of theirs, not they didn't, not EVEN A TASSTEE

Well done Becky, we think your list is one of the greatest achievements in the film observation arts since Hilal Jones observed that “the Star Wars universe should have more Jedi” - yes Hilal -yes!

Becky, you have our respect, our joy and our number 6!


In summation:

  • Day Owls would be a good name for a yoga studio - because it’s got day - which is a good time to do yoga - and owls which can turn their heads AROUND (just like yoga people).
  • Did y’all ever see that movie where that one girl character is possessed by the devil and so she turns her head all the way around? Why did the other characters all see that and yell “she’s possessed” rather than “she’s turning into an owl”? I mean I know it turned out she WAS possessed - but they didn’t know that at the time, and I just think if the characters were acting honestly in the moment - "she’s turning into an owl" - was a more realistic response - also her puke should have come from her mouth - not the side of her head - other than those two things that movie was wildly accurate.
  • I want to see Quentin act more - seriously, I really enjoy his acting. 
  • Tomorrow we hit the top 5 - is that exciting? Yes. Is that a clue to what number 5 is? No. But was THAT a clue? You bet your dang ass it was!


Ps. Yeah, how come I never see curly fries anymore, bring them back, they were GOOOOOD! 

If there is something you'd like to see more of on menus let us know in the comments. 


                                                              Becky 






Wednesday, January 5, 2022

The Best Of The Best Of Lists - Number 7




The Hamburg zoo is nothing particularly special. 

It's a nice zoo, the grounds are lovely, and there are some cool beasts from the animal world, but as far as zoos go it's just - fine. 

There are no Panda bears. The last time the news covered the birth of adorable snow leopard kittens was in the 80s. And Mike who works the front gate has gotten old and surly, in fact I’ve heard that he wont let 16 year olds in for the under 15 price, EVEN if they look only like 14 still.

Yet in this zoo something remarkable is taking place. For there is a very special monkey in this zoo. I mean all monkeys are special, they are magnificent specimens, but one monkey here, named Shumpo, is especially special, you see, one day Shumpo woke up and thought…

 “Wait, if monkeys evolved into humans before, why can’t we do it again? You know what, I am going to try, I am going to try to evolve into a human”

Now, sadly, Shumpo’s comprehension of the biological sciences is rudimentary at best. She has no understanding of the process of evolution, so even though she understands the fundamentals, she has yet to grasp that it takes place over many generations, and thousands of years. So she probably wont ever reach her goal.

 Yet, and here is where it gets inspirational – she's giving it a red hot go.

She starts every day with a vigorous session of calisthenics, followed by a considerable stretching session designed specifically to allow for a more human like muscle structure and posture, and she follows that with an hour of tongue and jaw bone pokes and snatches to improve diction.  

Then she reads for a while, takes a nap (she's still a monkey) and then spends her afternoons, quote, "thinking like a human". 

Also, and yes it may lead to quite a few cuts, and some considerable razor burn, but she has managed to shave off most of the hair from the front of her body (she doesn’t have a mirror, so she doesn’t know she still has a hairy ass). And she has not just downloaded luminosity (the brain app) for her phone, but she’s completed almost ALL of the free trial exercises. And luminosity doesn't even have a Monkey setting. It is genuinely remarkable. 

 This year, Shumpo decided to step it up even further. And she, astonishingly, created her very OWN top ten list of the year list. 

Shumpo's list – Top Ten Fruits Of 2021.

Now sure, when compared directly to some lists that didn’t make the cut this year on OUR best of the best of lists list (like say Rolling Stones Top Albums List) the monkeys may seem, let’s just say it – worse. 

Rolling Stone has words for example, where as the Monkeys are mostly turd smears. But its not an apple to apple comparison (for the record Shumpo had THREE different types of apple on her list, none of which were Macintosh! Wow) But in turns of achievement, and inspiration, and punching above it’s weight, the monkey list KICKS ROLLING STONES ASS. 
 
So for that reason – Shumpo The Monkeys – Top Ten Fruits Of 2021 – Wins our – top ten best of the year list’s list’s – Number 7!

 Congratulations Shumpo! And we will eagerly watch your lists in the future and see where you end up. And just for the record, Rolling Stones early Best Of Album Lists were a bit of a turd smear too! (Grandfunk Railroad only number 6? Fuck you Rolling Stone). 

Ps. It turns out Mike at the front gate had cataracts and for a while there couldn’t accurately judge if kids looked young for their age (and therefore sort of deserved to pay the kids price).

The zoo has promised to pay for his treatment. And we wish all the best for late blooming teens in Hamburg in their upcoming zoo trips.

Also we just heard the lady snow leopard at Hamburg Zoo is PREGNANT!!! Yay. Send us your kitten name ideas in the comments!  


                                                                             Shumpo 


Tuesday, January 4, 2022

Stick Your Neck Out On - Number 8


Consider this...

It’s cold outside. Rain is falling, a full moon is shining, and wind is blowing. But you’re fine with rain, you’re sweet with the moon, and you’re a-ok with wind, but you don’t like cold. Not one little bit. 

“Shiver” you think with your body when you think about it.

So you're not going outside tonight. No way. It's a night inside for you. 


But then a series of events happens - first rain fucks up the TV arial, and then the moon shines on your wifi machine so dang hard that it breaks, and THEN the wind blows all your books out the window!

Suddenly you're inside - with NOTHING to DO!


NOOOOOOOO. 


Well fear not - at least fear not if you can satisfy these two criteria:

1. You have a neck 
2. You have checked out our number 8 list choice for this years best of the best of list of the year, list. 


That's right we are turning to - neckpod.gov.uk.org - and their truly wonderful end of year list....


2021’s Top 8 Things That Are Fun To Do With Your Neck Other Than, You know, Use It To Turn And Look At Stuff!


I mean we all knew that 2021 was a beak through year in neck usage fun - but we had no idea HOW great a year it was till we read this list!

This list was so great that we’re going to put our OWN necks on the line, and reproduce the list right here. So here they are...






2021’s Top 8 Things That Are Fun To Do With Your Neck Other Than, You know, Use It To Turn And Look At Stuff!

8. Try and see if you can lick your own neck. (You tried didn’t you - ha ha - hardly anyone can lick their own neck idiot). 

7. Play a rousing game of You've Been Neck Slapped - heres how you play...

- First, go up to someone and then slap your own neck 
- now yell "YOU'VE BEEN NECK SLAPPED" 
- and when they respond "no I haven't" 
- you should then go "Oh, explain"
 - at this point they will say "it was you who slapped your neck, that means YOU'VE been neck slapped" 
- and then you can go "So what would it require for YOU to be neck slapped?" 
- and when they say "it would require ME to be neck slapped" 
- Then you can go "I don't get it" 
- And then they, in a fit of anger and frustration, will start slapping their own neck while yelling "this, this, this is ME being neck slapped, okay, do you get it now?" 
- Now you can yell - "YOU'VE BEEN NECK SLAPPED WOO HOOOO!
- Now you can tweet online "I've just played a rousing game of - You've Been Neck Slapped" woo hooooo! 

6. Eat some sharp pointy spears. Now start a gambling racket betting on which side of your neck the sharp pointy bit will first stick out of - (Hint if you can get the sharp pointy bit AND the feathery bit on the end, to BOTH come out the same bit of your neck - then you are going to win some big money my friend). 

5. Scratch it (this one is most fun if it's itchy. If your not itchy we can recommend a variety or plants and/ or a swarm of Ecuadorian Sweat Mosquitos to drum up some itch. If you can't sweat we recommend buying some black market sweat to encourage the Mosquitos).  

4. Wonder how life would be different if instead of a neck people had a Simon and Garfunkel album between their mouth and torso. Now wonder how Simon And Garfunkel would be different if instead of albums they sold necks! Now pitch the second one as a bio-pic in the vein of Rocket Man and Bohemian Rhapsody - I BAGS PLAYING GARFUNKEL! 

3. Draw scenes from the Old West on your neck - now look in the mirror and spin - YOU'VE JUST MADE THE OLD HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO SYSTEM DEFUNCT - woo hoo - finally!

2. Neck - more like NECK - yeah that's right - more like itself - you've just invented SEQUELS! 


And the number one thing of 2021 that is fun to do with your neck, other than use it to turn and look at stuff, was....


1. Mongolian throat singing - nope - Mongolian NECK singing! 


Once again Congratulations to neckpod.gov.uk.org for their wonderful list and also for making it to number 8 on Fleeting Forever's best of the best of lists of the 2021. 

Join us again tomorrow for number 7 - will 7 be heaven? Nope, heaven once again failed to make a single Best Of list this year, what a fucking pile of steaming shit - is there good stuff up there or not? And if so, put it in list form dang it - its the easiest way to rank shit! 

Still, what WILL be seven, will be pretty dang great, maybe even just maybe, a little slice of heaven. 

Ps. Don't worry,  we didn't really put our neck on the line, we have permission from, neckpod.gov.uk.org, their computer servers have been OUT OF CONTROL with the success of this list. And as a result their website keeps crashing, so they are more than happy to have another copy of their wonderful list here on this blog - the ONLY blog that has gone through each and every one of the 2021's Best of Lists, and then is offering to you, the reader, a list of the best of the best of lists of the year, a list.

Pps. If it turned out that you COULD lick your own neck, please get in touch with neckpod.gov.uk.org - they have an offer you are going to want to hear. 

Ppps - I want to start a band called Neck Slapped - no no a DANCE called the neck slap - wait, written and performed by the band - Neck Slapped! YES. Please call me if you can play slap bass guitar with your neck. 

Pppps - Simon and Gardefunkel more like it! Am I right? 





                                                                       A Neck