Monday, May 30, 2016

Twenty Four - Opportunity Poking

I was ready to sacrifice my own selfish needs of demanding to look like the good guy, and look out for the greater good instead, which required having the manager fired, so I began looking for him, and I looked for him great, in a good sense, which is where the level of good is greatness.

There was just one little problem. As I walked around the restaurant I suddenly realized something that was potentially an obstacle - I didn't know HOW to have him fired. 

This baffled me for a moment or two, and I found myself muttering to myself (for the record, trust me, 'yourself' is the BEST person to mutter to. When you mutter to others you hardly EVER get what you want. Like once I tried muttering 'your hat is cool, can I try it on?' to this cool looking individual wearing a cool looking hat, and he replied 'sorry dude, I can't take it off, it's not a hat, it's a mane'. Fucking horses, such dicks, if your going to get pissed at me for muttering, then how about improving your own speaking quality, I could barely understand a word he said, nay, mumbled!). 'Getting fired is easy, you've done it in almost every job you've ever had, so what's different here, other than its not you getting fired?' I muttered to myself. And I decided to think back to the last time I was personally fired from a job. 

I had been hired as ‘Head Of Great Ideas and Motivation’ for my local Stolen Identities and Molotov Cocktails Super Store, Simcomart (for the record, NEVER buy a stolen identity disguised in Molotov Cocktail form from one of the small stores, trust me, half the time when you take the identity out, the Molotov Cocktail won't even work, I mean fuck you dicks, why didn't I just go to Sioco: Stolen Identities Only Co?)

And the job was going great, until one day my boss, Dannelle, told me to come into her office, and then absolutely bellowed 'WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?'

'Oh tons' I replied 'in fact consider this list of Great Ideas and Motivations I have instilled in this company so far, things that are FRESH, and NEW:

- I instilled Greatness As A Goal To Aspire Towards at the company.
- I instilled Snake Nest Toilet Rolls On Fire Next To Jars Of Worms at this company.
- I instilled Do Something Wrong That Kind Of Rhymes (But Not Really At All, So Much So Some People May Not Have Even Noticed You Even Tried) With Your First Triumph Tuesdays.
- I instilled Wear Nothing Except Coat Hangers, Come On, THEY’RE Fashion HEROES, But They Never Get To Enjoy Any Of The Glory Mondays.
- I instilled If You Poke Out Someone's Eye, You Should Put It In The Scanner And Send A Picture Of It To Everyone In The Company Worldwide, The Most Hilarious Caption Gets An Extra Day Off Thursday Afternoons.
- Which of course was my solution to complaints over some of the lob-sided scores during my recently instilled Chug LOTS of Mimosa Then Play Darts On Dart Boards Situated Really Close Together Thursday Brunches.
- And I even instilled Use The Word “Instilled” As Often As You Can Everyday; it's doing absolute wonders down in acquisitions and actuaries. Oh by the way, I also combined the acquisitions and actuary departments, it turns out that despite their names, those are actually very different skill sets, it’s like a slapstick movie DOWN THERE!’. 

I was nearly bellowing myself by the end, and I could see why SHE was screaming at ME! And as I thought back to this day NOW, I realized something BIG - no wonder I couldn’t think of how to get the manager fired, he was clearly awful at his job, and I was clearly only ever fired from jobs I was clearly AMAZING at! 

‘You’re fired!’ Dannelle screamed at me that day. I hadn’t realized just HOW great I was at this job even myself. I was clearly TOO good at the job. I'd only worked there two hours, and I'd overhauled that company, I mean consider how many ideas and motivations I could have developed had I lasted a week! And I'd even had had to spend half of that two hours filing an official complaint against a co-worker for yelling 'my eye, my eye, the new guy hit me in the eye with a dart!' I mean what I dick, some people just don't care about other people, yelling in the work place is distracting! I suspect he was just jealous because I beat him at darts!

Oh plus, because of me, the receptionist had met a cute paramedic. Sure they couldn't chat, because as the paramedic said himself 'I've never seen such horror' while he ran to the ambulance carrying three eyeballs with darts stuck in them, but it's good to meet someone nice regardless. I remember thinking at the time:

‘EYE love meeting new people' and 

‘EYE come here often, do you?' And 

'Has an angel fallen from heaven? If so while he's on the ground can you have him look for an EYE, I heard someone's missing one'.  

Even though I was fired I was sure that I’d still be included in the best caption contest. Wow, I had a chance to get and extra day off work! That was too good an opportunity to miss. 

As I thought back to this time NOW it was clear what I had to do. Clear as a window that was so dirty it's been removed completely and sent to a professional window cleaners, who themselves weren't that good, yet while they worked on the issue the window was windowless which is the clearest type of window ever, unless there is lots of pollution, which is always, yep I'm talking REALLY clear. And this was BIG, and required my attention NOW!

*What that is is still to taken off its hanging spot, so to speak*

*Kind of like clothes taken off your coat hanger, which just held it for you for possibly months with ZERO thanks, just try wearing a coat hanger occasionally, they deserve the opportunity!*

*Speaking for opportunity, for the record if you even get the opportunity to play Chug Lots Of Bloody Mary's and then Play Darts on Dart Bords Located Adjacent To Your Key Arteries on a Thursday Breakfast, trust me, say 'YES'. Most people amazingly quit after only two or three darts, so victory is EASY!