The How To Have Fun From Home Files, And You Can Too!

Here at Fleeting Forever we’ve been dealing with the fleeting nature of forever for like forever, albeit fleetingly. It’s just what we do.

We hear about something that may affect our now, or our rest, and we jump on board swinging, dancing, and jiggin’ up a storm with the miscreants and the nut bag pokers of the day. That’s who we are, always have been, and always will be, unless we all die from some virus or something, ha ha, yeah right, I mean fall into a ravine and forget the code word that gets the ravine queen to appear and grant us the ability to float which we then take for granted while trying to float over a pool, before remembering we DIDN’T get granted anything and fall for to our deaths (why we chose an empty pool is any ones guess).

If you don’t believe that’s what we’ve always done, then take a look into our archives, they are immense and brilliant (just please only look at the ones which are good ones. Here’s a tip: if you poke in our archives and find something not good, you’re in the wrong archives fool, you need to go back to archival school!)

Well the fleetin’ and the foreverin’ has been challenged team. It just has. So we’re going full on again. We have to. Because it’s who we are. And also cause we ain’t got nothing better to do. And hope you ain’t got nothing better to do too which means you have time to read this crap. Cough. I mean genius. Smiley face.

So everyday, or so, depending on what else is distracting us, we’re gonna share something with you that you could be doing for fun.

So without further stupid nonsense that I haven’t edited out for god knows why, whether your normal existence has been ruined because of the thing OR the new thing that will probably hit over night, here is - today’s thing you could be doing for fun .

Drum roll …. … ….

Vacuuming!

Now I know what your thinking… “We already knew vacuuming was fun Dave. Of course we did. Vacuuming is rad. You get to suck up live spiders for fucks sake. Then you get to feel like god for a moment, a mighty god, a god who giveth and taketh life with the mere suck of a tube. Then you get to feel guilty for using your newfound might to immediately kill. Then you get to remember that spiders, while scary, do play an important part in the ecosystem, and by removing one, you are toying with the delicate balance of nature. Then you get to imagine its little spider family, little spider wife, cranky spider uncle, cute spider ten thousand eggs hatching any moment into cute little spider babies all though your favorite pair of pant’s crotch region. And THEN you get to pull your vacuum apart to find that fucking spider corpse so you can light it on fire in punishment for the ten thousand spider bites your nether crotch regions will soon get and/ or for making you do laundry! YOU BASTARD! So hell yeah vacuuming is fun. We knew that already Dave, you dick!”

And I agree with everything you thought there dear readers, but I’m here to tell you that there are even more great things about vacuuming than even that, things including but not limited to…

- Vacuuming up bugs that have less interesting and fulfilling social lives than spiders and therefore less wives or husbands, and less babies on your skin.

- Vacuuming up bugs with MORE interesting social lives, out of spite, bitterness, and jealousy.

- Vacuuming up things that aren’t bugs at all, like bug poop, bug carcasses, and bug shit. 

- Doing poops on bugs then vacuuming that up.

- Pooping on the Vacuum cleaner itself.

- Shitting on that poop.

- Pooh-poohing me for turning this into an avalanche of poo jokes.

- Pooh-Poohing me for greatly misusing the word “avalanche”

- Pooh-poohing me for saying “avalanche” was the word I misused, not “jokes”.

Yep Vacuuming is officially declared – FUN. Enjoy it while you can. And if you don’t agree, then go put on your favorite pants and take a nap, see I’m not spiteful.

Twenty Three - See Through Shake

It was clear as day what I had to do, bright clear like the bright sun, clear as a cloud that's a cloudy cloud, and more specifically like a cloudy cloud which was so not cloudy that it was clear, as obvious as what's on the other side of a door, and when the door is made of air, and the air was made in a vacuum, and the vacuum hadn't sucked up whatever it was that was on the other side of the door, but HAD sucked up anything that was between the other side of the door and the thing on the other side of the door. Clearly I had to listen to my lesson - never ever EVER delay anything! 

I needed to know what dilly dally meant NOW, or I was in BIG danger of doing it, where 'it' meant 'dilly dally', and there was only one clear thing to do, clear as what's left behind after a nuclear bomb has been dropped on a town, and thousands of years have passed to let the radiation radiate away, and then the future people, most likely people who are part human, part robot, part mole, part alien and mostly balloons filled with lightning bugs, have gone 'you know what, let's just clear this whole area', and then despite not having any hands or even arms they have somehow managed to get ancient bulldozing technology to work and have miraculously pulled off this clearing, only to NOW be frustrated, as they have no idea what to do with this cleared area, and yet they, being beings without fingernails nor heads, can't even have the joyful physical satisfaction of scratching their noggins while they figure it out, yep I'm talking clear! 'Really clear' would he another way to put it. That's right - I had to have the manager of this restaurant fired, and hope that his replacement would swiftly add a dictionary to the restaurant library, and hopefully also use his managerial powers to have the man from the photos stop yelling at me so I could look in the dictionary in peace.

Now, having someone else fired isn't as fun as you'd think. They lose their jobs, their families possibly break up under the strain, they often cry, sometimes they make big heartbreakingly desperate yet ultimately fruitless speeches begging for another chance, and you have to watch them pour out with a yearning passion, a despairing need and a desperately impassioned hope for a reprieve born from their desperation and their passion, only to see their faces go white, and their hearts implode, as they are told that their efforts were frucked! Yeah sure, but yes, as strange as it seems, there can also be a DOWN side to having someone fired. 

For example it can sometimes appear to others that YOU are the bad guy. This is a HUGE sacrifice for someone like me, because I HATE seeming like the bad guy. Hate it like morning dew on my raincoat, 'hey it's a RAINcoat, not a DEWcoat you condensationed dick! Go to a restaurant library and read a friggin' dictionary!' I'm forced to scream. 

That's why I'm careful to be nice all the time. Like when I used to whip Kev, I always used a whip braided into the head of a girl I knew he found both pretty of face and of personality, and I made him walk in front of us, which gave heavily subtle phycological guidance that he was our 'pride' or 'flock' leader, even though he wasn't, and to make sure she didn't figure out the phycological games I was using to toy with her emotions, I'd tell her that Kev didn't date girls that had met a wizard. That's how nice I am. 

Being nice is just built into my soul, I tell myself that all the time, so I know it's true, and having this man fired was just an extension of that, I just had to be willing to sacrifice 'looking' like the bad guy, even though I was clearly the good guy here. 

The only thing that wasn't clear was whether I'd be ABLE to make this sacrifice. Ableness is not my forte. My forte is wrestling fructose deficient Freemasons, frequenting firestorm founders fondle fountains, and starting trends, and you only get one forte, so ableidity could never be it. And this could be BIG. This little nugget of murkiness was as misty as a fog descended into the darkened windows of a nugget factory, but I had to wipe the window with a cloth NOW, and it had to be a BIG cloth, because it often stinks in nugget factories, so they need BIG windows to open to let the stink soar! 

Would I ponder making this sacrifice? You're damn right I would!  

*The results of such pondering to be revealed*

*Revealed like what was on the other side of that door*

*Which was a wizards* hat.

*The wizard himself was vacuumed up, they really need to work on their anti-being-vacuumed spells, we get it, you've got the going 'poof' and  disappearing into a cloud of smoke thing nailed, but we then always need to get out vacuums to clean up the dusty residue that this leaves behind and I for one am sick of having to shake you wizards out of my vacuum bag, dicks! 

Slurp Perfectible

Here's a curiosity...

Saying - 'Don't worry, we've all been there' -

To a friend as their eyes swiftly expand the moment they for the first time have their minds blown into a stratospheric level of perfectly reasonable, shocked, compilation as they gaze upon a mustache as it eats the hair piece off a bald man, at festival of new vacuum technology demonstration, where one of the new technologies was hair vacuuming advancements, yet NONE of the new technologies have even mentioned, let-alone included, mustaches that can eat, or move, or that are alive - is an unhelpful, terrible and deeply cruel thing to say. Trust me, I've been there. 

And yet saying 'buck up' is perfectly fine! 

Sayings sure are weird.