Thursday, September 27, 2012

You think YOU got it bad

One fun thing about living in LA is seeing the city drowning in billboards for new television shows that are so clearly shamefully awful you know they'll be axed before being inflicted on the rest of world.

Some of these shows star people I know! Congratulations guys! I am genuinely as jealous as all hell. That’s why I have come up with several pitches for my own TV shows which are awful show ideas yet are better than half of the ones actually about to be released.

- Thick Marker: In a world where there is a fine line between pleasure and - pain, truth and lies, and love and hate - a man who runs a small failing stationary shop is really frustrated he isn't selling more thick markers.
- Women in heat? A bunch of women who lack a lot of patience are sent to a different sauna every week, but will their lack of patience allow them to hang around until those coals actually get hot? Who knows?
- Couffee..... or irony: A guy opens a coffee shop in an ethnically diverse neighborhood and finds imitating the various accents of his customers endlessly fun- until he gets stabbed. After six months in the hospital upon discharge he's told to 'lay off the caffeine' the very stuff he's got to sell to pay his medical bills!
- Climbing women: A gang of recreational rock climbing women find climbing the corporate ladder is not as easy as cliffs - especially as they're all (dum dum dum) women! Will they be 'roped' into bad deals, will they occasionally ‘anchor’ the odd conference call, will they ‘figure eight knot’ the man of their dreams? Or will their webolette, piton catchers and thrutching get in the way? Stay tuned!
- You think you've got it bad: After a psychiatrist discovers a cluster of his former clients have gone on to commit suicide he has a mental breakdown leaving him unable to say anything other than a sarcastically toned 'you think YOU got it bad? And to his surprise now he able to REALLY help those in need, but can he help himself? No, not really.

I know entertainment, so you can trust me networks, give me a call please. Ps for the record when I first saw commercials for ‘Friends’ my honest reaction was 'holy shit, that's going to BOMB!'

Friday, September 21, 2012

The New Normal


I’ve decided that I am so normal that I am going to start taking normal to places it’s never been before!

That’s right, I am going to strap a backpack to normal, point it north and tell it not to come back till it’s seen things that has blown it’s eyes right out of it’s sockets, so that they are left hanging and bouncing around on it’s chest like a tiny kangaroo boxing it, only to look down and realize it’s eyes are actually looking into cave filled with super clean dinner plates, yeah that’s right normal!

I am going to lock normal in a basement and tell it that when it comes up its body may well be covered in random bruises but that’s nothing compared to the bruises it will feel on it’s mind, and not just any part of it’s mind, but the parts that have never been used before, the parts full of donuts made out of elephant dreams, the parts where people sexually moan about dust on lampshades, the part where ‘two plus two clingy grouper filling’ makes more sense than anything that’s ever come out of the ear of a Nat, yeah that’s right normal!

I’m going to cover normal in honey then throw it out of a moving space train that’s been lost in the amazon jungle, and when it looks up and finds the honey is being licked off it will discover the tongues of Mayan pyramids ravishing it in an orgy of over conditioned confidence issues mixed with self perpetuating terrible arrogance, only the tongues won’t be made of flesh, but of the soft smell of rain washing away a single beer burp, yeah that’s right normal!

I’m taking you on a journey normal, so be scared, be afraid like the only cloud on a sunny day that is shaped like a giant guitar in the sky only with no one to play you so you start to fall apart into random vapor that will drift into a champagne flute only when you go to take a sip you’ll find that there is a huge shard missing from the side of the glass, but how is the orange juice it’s filled with not falling it out? How? HOW? Yeah that’s right normal, be afraid, you have now met David Tieck, and life is going to be very different from now on.

Oh also, normal, are any of those clean dinner plates cereal bowls? I kind of feel like some breakfast. Just let me know, you know, if you get a chance.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Inventions more smart than other things

Here at Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! I'm not just about experimenting with the boundaries of the comedic experience; I’m also occasionally interested in things that are simply true. Take bongo drums for instance, if they were real I may be interested in them in times that I am interested in things that are real, but seeing as they are clearly figments of various peoples’ imaginations I’m only interested in them on the times I am mostly interested in things which are clearly made up, which is most of the time. Well today isn’t most of the time!  

Yesterday I brought you the origins of one of the truly greatest inventions of all time, the Honda Red Key.

As I am writing this, right now (ooohhh, time travel) I'm waiting for the tow truck! Oh my god that's a great invention that red key, but here is the thing, as brilliant as providing a key for customers that does nothing but completely fuck up your own car is, I have actually personally invented some things even MORE smarter! And remember the red key is clearly quite brilliant, it fucked up my own car and cost me a lot of money, that's genius, I've been driving Hondas since my first driving lesson nearly 20 years ago and now I'm considering blacklisting them forever, that's a seriously great invention, so an invention that is even better than that invention would have to be truly revolutionary, and those are the type of inventions that I invented!

So here they are, my pitch to you of my inventions even smarterer than the red key as invented by me, three of them!

Do you love pet rocks? Ha ha, trick question, of course you do, but lets face it, they have one big flaw - they don’t give you an excuse to play with your own feces. That’s why I invented the pet poo, all the fun of a pet rock with the added benefit of fishing a poo out of your toilet and gluing eyes to it!

Are you Hungry? Ha ha, trick question, everyone knows the only correct answer to that question is 'depends what you’re offering', and you can’t possibly know what I am offering, unless I tell you, and now I will, because what I am offering is awesome - its tennis racket bolognaise! Just like regular spaghetti bolognaise but replacing messy spaghetti with full sized tennis rackets, finally you can eat bolognaises AND wear a white shirt.

Are you sick of having to open your door to get in your house? Ha ha, trick question, because if you’re like me, and I assume you’re exactly like me, then you know that opening your front door is tiresome, especially if you’re A. carrying lots of soda B. chewing gum that has lost its flavor but you haven’t spotted a trash can in ages so you’re still chewing it, but really looking forward to getting inside to spit it out, or even if C. you have a rapists chasing you. That’s why I invented the house with no front door. With the no front door house you'll never have to open your front door again, plus no pesky repairs from rapists breaking your lock!

Wow, that's just three inventions clearly smarterer than the Honda red key, and yet the Honda red key exists, and my better inventions are just rotting in my brain barely making me any money. That makes no sense, and this is a blog where I am concerned with nothing but truth, and how can something true not make sense? Damn you Honda.

Maybe I should invent things I can SELL to Honda, that'd be intellegenter of me, um…

Are you sick of having to get into car crashes to justify expensive car bodywork? Ha ha, trick question? The answer is 'no'. Well we at Honda think you SHOULD want to take your car to the repair shop guy even if you haven’t been in a car accident. That's why we provide a drunk father of a teenage girl with every Honda sold. Simply let your drunk father of a teenage girl out of your trunk, tell him you impregnated his daughter, hand him a big stick, then lock yourself in your car and you'll be at the repair works body fix mans shop in a jiffy. Drunk father of a teenage daughter's now standard on all Hondas.

Wow, am I awesome at inventing things more smarty than the red key? Trick question, fuck yeah I am!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

In the Honda offices many years ago

Honda executive type person one: Alright Honda executive type people, we need some new ideas, our cars are pretty good, but we’re Japanese, ‘pretty’ is for schoolgirls with really short skirts and really high socks, we need innovation damn it! Who has an idea?’

Honda executive type person two: Well we could make our cars drive better, look cooler, be more efficient, be cheaper, have better speaker systems, give free glow in the dark temporary tattoos, be more crash resistant, include extra sized roof racks, have a GPS system that tells you if a cop is near by, smell like movie popcorn, have more comfortable seats, clean themselves in the rain, or create a new font for our emblem ‘H’?

Honda executive type person one: I like them all! Who else has an idea?

Honda executive type person three: Oooh Ooooh, or we could have our emblem no longer be a capital ‘H’ but a lower case ‘h’?

Honda executive type person one: I LOVE it; especially how you pronounced those letters ‘atch’, instead of that horribly annoying ‘hatch’! Anyone else got an idea?

Honda executive type person four: I have an idea, we could create a key to give to all owners of Hondas, the key itself would look identical to the normal car key, with, and excuse the technical talk, the same groove and bumpy bits, and would open the car doors, but when you put it in the ignition it would not just fail to start the car but make it so all other official keys for that car also no longer work.

Honda executive type person one: Interesting, so if a person who owned this Honda accidently used this key what would happen?

Honda executive type person four: Well they would be unable to start their car’s engine, even as the owners of the car, and even if in possession of one of the keys that we gave with the car that up until moments earlier worked fine, and regardless of where the car is, be it remote, in an unsafe area, or a danger to other drivers - the variety of places where this could take place that would be of enormous determent to the driver are pretty much endless.

Honda executive type person one: So they would be the owners of the car, not a criminal or anything, and they would have accidently rendered their own keys useless?

Honda executive type person four: Yes! But more than that, we could give this key to the owner of the car upon purchase, make it look EXACTLY like their normal key, except make it red and pretty and enticing, and then have them keep it packaging that in no ways mentions that it will essentially turn their car into, and excuse the technical talk, a big shitty paper weight, make no mention of what this key does on our official websites, not inform sales staff at Honda dealers what this red key means so that when people get stranded and call up for advice they will receive none, not give any details on our websites on what to do if you accidently use this key, leaving it up to message board speculation onto the possible hundreds of things that the car owner may have done to their car, and make them fear possibilities such as having to have the car towed to the nearest Honda Service Center, no matter how far that may be, possibly half a continent away in some cases, and let them believe that the entire electronic programming of their car may have to be re-programmed or replaced potentially costing them thousands of dollars, but also making sure they would have no way of finding this information out unless their red key ceased their ability to turn on their own car engines during Service hours, meaning that if they attempted to use this red key in a more dangerous, or inconvenient time their burden would only increase drastically!

Honda executive type person one: Wow, so it would be like a key that looks totally innocent, and more than that, totally useful, and we’d give it to people who bought hugely expensive machinery off us, only for one day to discover that for no reason at all we have given these customers of ours a piece of equipment that may totally fuck their day, if not lead to far worse?

Honda executive type person four: Exactly!

Honda executive type person one: Well I can certainly see many, many, many, many downsides to providing this key to our customers, but I just can’t think of a single situation where a person who spends tens of thousands of dollars on a car may want to render their own car useless, requiring possibly great hassle and potentially great expense to rectify, and then only if fortunately they accidently use this key somewhere they can get reasonably easy access to one of our sporadic service centers, that is if, they can find a Honda staff member who can even help them with this situation, which as you have pointed out we would make sure is never the case, so I guess I must ask, is there a single positive aspect to this red key?

 Honda executive type person four: Well I have given this a lot of thought, and I did come up with a scenario that may make this red key a positive thing – say for example you are driving your Honda and a man with a gun approaches you wishing to steal your car, and say in the unlikely event that on this day you were for some unknown reason carrying around this potentially hugely dangerous red key with you, and say the man with the gun looked away for long enough for you to take your normal key out of the ignition and replace it with the red key, and say the man with the gun had also told you to turn off the engine so he could turn it on himself, because he values the joy of turning keys more than a fast get away, well if all those things all took place at once, and then also some reason came up where you would like to have this man with a gun stay next to you for longer, but also be extremely angry with you, and know that you had just fucked with him, like say for example you WANTED him, and excuse the technical talk, to shoot you in the fucking face, well then I guess you could use the red key and get a result that would be positive for you at least. Other than that this red key can only lead to expense, hassle, and possible danger for someone who bought a car from us.

Honda executive type person one: Just to be sure I am getting you right
-       It would often lead to fucking over our customers
-       Unless our customers wanted to be shot in the fucking face?

Honda executive type person four: Yes, and let’s face it, if you want to be shot in the face you’ll probably choose a Toyota, am I right?

Honda executive type person one: Ha ha! Awesome. You are right. Idiot Toyota drivers.

Honda executive type person four: So?

Honda executive type person one: All I can say is wow, that is possibly the dumbest idea that has ever been pitched, or even thought about, by any human ever. I demand all Honda’s be sold with this red key at once! Honda executive type person two and three, you’re fired! You stupid idiots, besides – glow in the dark temporary tattoos? If you get a glow in the dark tattoo of course you’ll want it permanent you tool!

And on that day Hondas did start giving all owners one of these red keys. And today, for the first time in six months I decided to try and drive my mom’s old Honda, and wondered which of all the weird keys I have lying around actually worked, and that’s why my mom’s old car is parked a long way a way from me, with an engine that won’t turn on and no idea how to fix it, and excuse the technical talk, but fuck you Honda, I like those short skirts and high socks!

Friday, September 7, 2012

The sad rainbow – a kids book

The Sad Rainbow

'I'm sad' said the rainbow, to his only friend, the dried dog poo.

'Are you sad because you only get to come out when it's raining?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but now that I think of it that does really suck’.

'Are you sad because everyone assumes you’re gay?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but everyone does always assume I’m gay, just because I’m a rainbow, it’s just a nasty stereotype, and I hate stereotypes’.

‘Are you sad because you basically look like a giant frown?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow ‘but I never even thought about that before, that’s awful, I am the world’s biggest frown, oh my god’.

‘Are you sad because it's really windy in Sydney at the moment making it difficult for David Tieck to read the newspaper in the park, or eat cotton candy on a lonely bridge, his two favorite activities?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but that really sucks, David Tieck is an awesome guy and he deserves better than that.'

'Are you sad because you can't pick just one color, you have to show off all the time and be like “look at me, I'm EVERY color, that's better than you dried poo, I can't just be brown once in a while cause I have to shooooow off”?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, 'But now that you say that, you're right, I always have to be fancy, sometimes a rainbow just wants to relax in sweats too!'

'Are you sad because your only friend is a dried dog poo who's kind of an angry prick who’s likes to point out all your flaws?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, 'but you are being particularly mean today, I was already sad, now I’m just mortified, what's your problem?'

‘My problem is that I am trying to help you, and you can't just friggin’ spit out why you’re sad!’ Said the dried dog poo, ‘For Christ sake I'm sick of always having to guess shit with you! Just say it already!!!!!’

‘Well what about you?’ retorted the sad rainbow, ‘you’re always like “I'm dry, I smell” you're a freaking whiner!’

‘Just tell me why you’re sad’ pleaded the dried dog poo ‘seriously man, the sun will come out and then I won't see you for weeks! Just get to the fucking point!’

‘Ok, ok, you’re right’ apologized the sad rainbow ‘I’m sorry’.

‘So why are you fucking sad?’ the dried dog poo asked.

‘Well, it's just, well’ began the sad rainbow on what was sure to be the start of a beautiful soliloquy ‘I can just never find a hat that suits me. I try on hats whenever I get the chance, but I have a weird head, and I just don’t suit hats.'

'Oh my god’ exclaimed the dried dog poo, ‘You’re a rainbow, you can't wear hats you idiot, they'd fall straight through you!'

'Screw you!' yelled the sad rainbow 'You’ll never understand what it's like to be me’!

Just then a German shepherd ate the dried dog poo then licked its owners face
The End 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I think I accidentally changed the world again


was in the news today, and I can only assume that this is all in direct response to a video I made several years ago. I am too scared to watch it back myself for fear that it is offensive, rude, and horribly embarrassing, and so all I can say is - you're welcome, and I am sorry.

And also, just because for some reason it linked in without me asking it to, and therefore is proof my rivalry with Dakota Fanning needs to be kicked up a notch, here is this video. 


The flight of the Canaries

I haven't blogged in ages. Mostly because I have been busy; and yet also because I haven't gotten around to it because of busyness. However something happened this week that was just too dramatic to NOT blog about it. 

I flew from Los Angeles to Sydney, and let's just say it was a roller-coaster. 

Here are the high/low-lights. All times in are Los Angeles mean ordinary time. Los Angeles being the place where I began…. But would I remain there….. Stay tuned….

-       9: 30 pm – Boarding
-       9: 45 pm – Take off
-       9: 49 pm – I fell asleep
-       5: 27 am – I wake up and go for a bathroom break, and make a shocking discovery - my hair is looking particularly cool, and I mean PARTICULARLY, I really don’t know to deal with this.
-       10:17 am - Hair not looking great, but it has potential.
-       10: 39 am - I feel like a soda, and think ‘they should put Walgreens on planes!’ Oh man, inside jokes when I am alone bring me so much joy. You have no idea how hard you would be laughing right now if you were on the inside.
-       10: 49 am - Staff announced they are about to commence breakfast service and then gave estimated arrival time in 'um, um ..... Sydney!' Should I be worried they're not sure where we're going? The fear of being on a plane possibly heading ‘anywhere’ makes me realize something drastic – it’s been ages since I checked my hair.
-       11:12 am - Bathroom has been occupied for ages, still don’t how my hair is? What if it’s back to being cool, or even being PARTICULARLY cool? And if it is, how do I deal with that?
-       11: 44 am - Back in bathroom, hair looks great, phew. Yet not ‘particularly cool’. Was it only to be but a brief moment in time? And if it was, how do I deal with that?
-       12: 10 pm - Kid next to me is picking his nose, that bastard! He's stealing my move!!!!!
-       12: 12 pm - Guy in front of me is watching a movie featuring topless girls; you can show that on a plane now? I must admit rather than being turned on, it made me think about the kid wiping his booger on her boob. Man the kids today. Gross.
-       12:27 pm - I don't think I'll need to pee again before we land; now I have no excuse to check my hair!!!! Oh no, it may be up to forty minutes before I get to check my hair again, how do I deal with that?

I know it’s hard to believe, but this was all a true story.